Nathaniel and Castiel stood by Nathaniel's car, hugging and kissing for almost an hour as they said their goodbyes. Nathaniel had washed all of Castiel's clothing and helped him get dressed before putting his jacket back on. Now that Castiel was back at home, and his neighbor was on the lookout for him, he had to make his way up the stairs on his own. He trembled in Nathaniel's arms as he cried. Nathaniel wiped his tears again before kissing his forehead.
"Castiel…I've never seen you so emotional."
"I just…I don't want to go up by myself. I don't want you to leave. I don't understand why we can't just stay together."
"We'll be able to someday. Don't worry about that. I'll walk you to your room if you want."
"I want you to stay with me!"
"We both know I can't."
Castiel wiped his eyes again. They hugged. After kissing again, Nathaniel took Castiel's hand in his and walked him to the stairs. They let go of each other long enough for them to get past his neighbor and back to his room. When Nathaniel left again, Castiel laid on his bed, constantly wiping his eyes in misery.
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
"What?!"
He opened the door to see his neighbor, Mrs. Green standing there.
"Where have you been all night, young man?!"
He shook his head.
"Please just go away already! It's been a long night! I was at work and I got fired and-"
"Alright. At least you were doing something productive instead of messing around with boys again. Speaking of boys, who was that just now?"
"It was a coworker. He said he'd bring me home so I accepted. Now please go away."
She looked Castiel up and down.
"Rough night. Alright, I'm leaving, but if you're hungry I'm cooking in my apartment. Drop by for some tea if it'll make you feel better."
He nodded before closing the door. He hurried to his bathroom, and threw his clothes to the floor before turning on the shower, making sure the water was a hot as he could get it. He hurried into the shower and began to viciously scrub himself until his skin turned red. Blood constantly ran down the drain as he cleaned off his torn backside. After two hours of showering, he finally stepped out. He was sore from the heat and scrubbing, and was about to pass a mirror before he saw a glimpse of his reflection. He stared for a few minutes, frowning in disgust at the creature staring back at him.
He paced, mumbling to himself for a while until he finally stopped and stared in the mirror again.
"Disgusting."
He felt horrible in his own skin now. Everything that had been done to him and everything people whispered when he walked by as if he didn't notice came floating back to him. They were right. He was filthy, disgusting, vile, and not worthy of life. He balled his fists in anger before screaming and punching the mirror. As it shattered, shards cut into his fist, causing even more pain. He dropped his hand to the side and stared at the blank spot where the mirror once was. No reflection. That was better. He walked back to his bedroom and plopped on the bed, laying face down in the fabric.
(At Nathaniel's Apartment)
He finished cleaning the blood off the floor of the bathroom and the bathtub before going to lay down. He sighed as he thought about the one he loved. How could he be so miserable. If anything, he deserved happiness. He'd only had a shitty life and as soon as he found love, it was ripped away. He looked over at a picture of them together and smiled. They did have a few good times. Now, he wasn't even sure what was going on with Castiel mentally. He had no idea what Castiel was going through after what happened to him, yet he never stopped loving him. No matter where he was, he hoped Castiel was safe.
(At Castiel's Apartment)
Castiel looked down at the shards of the mirror around him and frowned. Instead of one big ugly reflection, there were many small ones. He hated everything about himself at this point and screamed as he slammed his fists into the ground next to him. He continued to bleed from smashing the mirror, but he didn't care. He wiped his eyes again before walking out and laying on the ground in the hallway. Once again, he heard knocking at the door.
"What do you want," he mumbled facedown in the floor.
"Castiel," his neighbor called, "I made you a plate, sweetheart. Come over whenever you're hungry."
"Okay."
He lay there for a few more minutes before his stomach started to growl. He really hadn't eaten all day…wait…how the hell did she know he would be hungry? Nosy as hell. He rolled over and pushed himself up, sulking to his kitchen to clean off his hand. He didn't dare go back to the bathroom to see all of those little faces staring back at him. He groaned as he pulled out the large shards. The smaller ones would have to work their way out.
He bandaged up his hand and shoved it into his pocket as he looked down at himself. Filthy. It didn't matter if he changed his clothes or showered again. That couldn't be changed. He walked to his front door, stopping with a hand on the knob. He thought for a moment. There was no reason to step out into the world…at least not the way he was. He didn't deserve to be seen. Who was he kidding…he was just as worthless outside as in. He opened the door and crossed the hallway, knocking on her door. Almost immediately she opened it.
"Hello- oh hi, sweetheart. Come on in! Your plate is on the table."
He nodded before stepping past her into the apartment. Castiel couldn't help but smile when he came in. Her apartment was nothing like his. It was warm and alive. The sweet smells of food on the stove warmed him immediately, and he locked eyes with the plate on the table. All sorts of food were piled on the plate. There was even a large slice of apple pie next to his dinner.
"There you are, darling."
"Thanks."
She nodded before walking back over to her living room and sitting on the couch. Castiel picked up the fork and picked at the food for a moment. Once he realized how well his neighbor could cook, he dug in, wasting no time to get to the pie. When he finished, he started to wash his dish when she interrupted him.
"Don't worry about the dishes, sweetheart. I got it."
"I can do it."
"Nope. You just sit right here with me and I'll take care of those later."
Castiel sat the plate down and wiped his hands off before joining her in the living room. No sooner than he'd sat down, her dog, Socks ran over to him and jumped up onto his lap, curling into a ball as he pet her.
"So Castiel…"
"Yes?"
"Where were you last night?"
"I got invited to a party. I just went and came home."
"I thought your coworker brought you home."
"He did. He was at the party too."
"I thought you said you were at work and got fired."
"Yeah. Then we went to the party and came home."
"Castiel, don't lie to me."
"I'm not."
"Castiel-"
"I just went to a party! That's it!"
She could see him tensing up, mostly because he'd completely stopped petting Socks. His other hand remained in his pocket, obviously clenched.
"Castiel, if something's wrong, you can tell me."
"There's nothing wrong."
"Yes there is. I can tell."
"There's nothing wrong."
She could hear his voice crack at the end of the sentence and sat next to him on the other couch. After turning off the television, she turned to face him. His eyes remained glued to the carpet, and his creased brow showed signs of stress. Something was bothering him, and she was going to find out what.
"Castiel, look at me."
He continued to stare at the floor. She put her hands to his cheeks.
"Look at me."
He glanced at her before looking down at Socks.
"What happened at the party?"
Castiel almost jumped up when she asked that question. She grabbed his arm just in time and pulled him back down onto the couch.
"What happened to you, Castiel?"
He was rocking back and forth now, fighting back tears as he shook his head.
"I'm okay."
His voice cracked again. She shook her head. Luckily, she knew the easiest way to make someone let out their emotions. She hugged him tightly and asked him again.
"What happened to you at that party, last night?"
He broke. Tears poured down his cheeks as he continuously wiped his eyes. She stared in shock. It must have been awful.
"I didn't want to do it! I told him to get off of me!"
"Oh my goodness…"
"They tied me down and took my clothes!"
"You poor dear."
"I didn't want to do it!"
She patted his back.
"Let it out."
"He raped me!"
His words sunk in and she felt tears well up in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Castiel."
She wiped his tears and kissed his forehead.
"It's not your fault."
"Yes it is! It's my fault Peggy recorded the fucking video!"
"I don't know what's in that video, but everyone in the neighborhood was talking about it. I don't know what happened, but it spread."
He nodded as tears continued to paint his cheeks. Socks must have realized what was going on because she was now on her hind legs with her front paws on Castiel's chest. She licked his face as she whimpered, doing her best to comfort him.
"I'm disgusting!"
"You're not-"
"Yes I am! No matter how much I scrub, the dirt just doesn't come off!"
She hugged him tightly.
"It is not your fault."
"It is…"
"Shh…it's not."
He didn't dare reply for the sake of ending the conversation, but deep down, he knew it was his fault.
