15

A/N: It's 0038 and I am looking at my laptop like, "Should I? Shouldn't I?" Sadly I have decided no, I will study and I'll write this chapter in the morning. (So that's why you didn't get one last night. #fascinatingstories)

This one is for Dionizia, Lisa, Verity (even though she's in China), Serena (again), Jo (if she ever gets past ch11 - she wins best comment so far - "Is Lady B a lesbian?"), and KT (katietheunicorn)! You guys are awesome, thank you for making me feel awesome too!


Kate lay in bed watching Richard get washed and dressed, much as he had watched her earlier. She smiled to herself.

"You look like the cat that got the cream," he said. The pun wasn't lost on her and she giggled, stretching out to luxuriate in the sunlight that was seeping onto the bed through the gap in the curtains. Richard grinned.

"Who are you this morning?"

"What do you mean?" she asked sleepily.

"I mean... your mood... I've never seen you like this before."

Kate closed her eyes and smiled widely. Honestly, she had no idea what had got into her. But she wasn't going to tell him that – his ego did not need it.

"You haven't seen me like much before. Today is Tuesday. We met on Friday. It's understandable that you might not have seen everything."

Richard knelt back down on the bed and leaned over her, dropping a kiss to her forehead.

"I may not have seen everything, but I have seen a great deal."

Kate surprised him, pushing up and rolling on top of him.

"You ain't seen nothin' yet," she told him in an adorably harsh cockney accent. He pushed her away gently and wriggled off the bed.

"Will I see you later?" he asked, tucking his shirt in and smoothing it out.

"Do you mean at your house for a visit, or tonight?"

"Both, I suppose. Would you like to visit? Alexis would love it if you came for dinner."

"Then I'll see you at your house."

"Excellent. And will we be fighting crime tonight?"

Kate laughed. "I might be. I'll visit the police station today to see if they need my help with anything. I'll let you know later."

"And what about after that?"

Kate raised her eyebrows. "We'll see."

"You're a cruel woman."

"You're an easy mark. Now go on home before your daughter wakes up!"

Richard grinned and pulled her up for one last kiss before hurrying out of the door. Kate sighed. She didn't know what to think. She felt amazing. She couldn't wait for the evening, when she would just be with him again. It wasn't just the sex, it was being in his company, being with him, joking with him, talking with him... He made her feel young and free and interesting, he made her feel 'normal' but at the same time as though what they had together was the most fantastic, rare, exotic thing anyone could ever have.

But then there were the other feelings. The guilt that crept into her heart from her over-active mind, the worry about his life and his daughter and the danger she was putting them in, the anger at herself for rejecting the promise she had made to herself when she was 19 about putting others first, always. As soon as he had gone, her brain, which had been so relaxed and peaceful, kicked into gear and began tearing apart all the hope she had found the night before, all the joy and lust and... love? Not love. It couldn't be love.

She would not let her heart be broken again. She couldn't get into this. It had been a wonderful night and she had agreed to more because he was like a drug, like the opium that all these people seemed to take, the magical flower that took you somewhere far away where there was no pain... She was an addict after one dose, already desperate for the next. She was forgetting all that was important. She wanted to give up on her mother, give up on those who needed her, give up on justice! He was changing her, changing her values.

She couldn't let him change who she was. But could she be with him, be his friend and his lover but never his wife, without becoming attached? Without wanting more? And ignoring the risks... Ignoring the one gigantic risk that she had ignored the night before. She wasn't stupid. She could count. She knew when it was impossible and when it would probably be alright. But that was a huge probably. She knew how valuable life was. As Richard had said. Priceless. But what if they got careless? What if she needed the drug so badly she didn't remember to count, or she did but the pull of him was so strong she decided to risk it anyway? And what if they created a priceless life?

Kate would never be a mother. She knew... because she did not want to bring a child into the world that she saw. Into the world which had taken her own mother from her. She would protect the children of others. She had made this choice nine years ago... she forced herself to believe that there was no going back on it.

But... the risk was there. The risk that so many people took.

Kate got out of bed. Lying in bed half the morning, what had he done to her? She washed again in the now-cold water and put on some respectable clothes to go to the police station. She wore a bonnet with a low veil; her face was entirely hidden by it. She walked quickly; though the sun was shining it could not quite negate the effect of the Autumn chill which had fallen over London.

The officer at the front desk of the station handed her an envelope. This was how it worked. She took it with a nod and left. The envelope meant a case that they couldn't solve. The envelope meant she would definitely be working tonight.

She tried to get back to her room without meeting Lanie but her friend was too alert for that. Lanie was nice, though. She helped Kate take off her bonnet and made some coffee for them to drink while they talked. Kate left the envelope in her room. It could wait.

"So..." Lanie began. Kate stayed silent. It wasn't that she wanted to hide anything from her friend. It was just that she wasn't sure how to explain. Lanie seemed to understand.

"Did you know it took Javi and I a year before he even dared kiss me?"

Kate's eyes widened. "No. You never told me that."

"Well, it did. A whole year. Do you want to know why?"

Kate nodded eagerly. Lanie wasn't a great talker about her past; she had been born into slavery. Kate knew it had been traumatic but Lanie was a strong woman and didn't like to be pitied.

"He liked me from the day we met, the day I was sold. I was only sold because I was too smart, they didn't like that I could read. He called me 'Chica'. He was there with his master running errands and he winked at me from outside the ring. I was too strong willed to be embarrassed; his master must have noticed me too because the next thing I knew Javi had a black eye but the master was bidding on me. That night he came to visit me in my new room, it was in the basement of the house. He sat with me and we talked and joked, I knew that we would be friends. I liked him, too. I wanted more. And so did he, certainly. But I never let him touch me, not for a whole year."

"Why, though?"

"Because I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to go anywhere. I wanted to make sure nothing was going to happen, that we were secure, that we would be able to be together forever. I wanted to be ready. I wanted to know everything before I did anything."

Kate knew exactly what Lanie meant now. Lanie saw her frown as she understood.

"I don't mean that thinking about things is wrong. But thinking about them for too long does nothing but waste time. With some people there is no why. You just know that it's supposed to be. And I think you know you're supposed to be with Castle. There's nothing you can do about it. It's never going to change. So you might as well go for it while you're both fit and young and healthy, and most of all, living."

Kate pulled Lanie into a hug. Lanie pushed her away.

"Don't pity me. Just don't make the mistake I made."

Kate nodded. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd do exactly the same as you do now. You've never been one to take other people's advice."

Kate laughed. "You do make a very good point, though. Maybe that's why we... I don't know."

"I know why you slept with him."

"Why?"

"Because you had to. Because he loves you."

"Lanie! He does not love me!"

"I see it in his eyes. That's not just lust or admiration. That's love."

"He can't love me! He's known me for four days!"

"I loved Javi after four minutes. It's love. I'm not saying you love him but I am saying you need to be loved. And that's why you did it. And that's why you'll do it again."

"We... I let him do everything. Even though..."

"Be as careful as you can. I know you will be anyway. And if you do... have an accident... well, I always wanted to care for a child.

Kate laughed. "You're so relaxed about it."

"There's no point crying over spilt milk, and even less point crying over milk that's still safe in the glass and might not ever be spilt at all."

Kate grinned. "Thank you."

"What for?"

"For... making me feel almost as good as I did this morning."

"I'm flattered. Especially considering just how good you were feeling this morning."

"How do you-"

"You were fairly vocal about your mood at some points."

Kate blushed. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I'm happy for you. All real?"

Kate blushed more. "Yes, all real. Of course."

"Don't you of course me. You fake them all the time. Such a selfless person."

"Not really. Not all the time."

"Who gave you the last real one – apart from him?"

Kate thought her face might have turned into a tomato.

"And apart from you?" Lanie grinned at her. "You're so shy. Try sharing a bed with another woman, and a room with two more, both of whom were married. You'd get used to this kind of thing in a flash."

Kate smiled. "Josh...wasn't very good. He was sweet, though. Tom... he managed a few. Will... well the first time I was with him, yes. The rekindling thing... not so much. Some other things... there have been a few that were okay. What about you?"

Lanie winked. "Just Javi. I'm the one and done type."

Kate sighed. "There was a time when I thought I would be too."

"I think you are. And I think Castle's the one," Lanie teased. Kate threw a cushion at her. Then she saw the time.

"Speaking of Castle, I have to get ready to go there again."

"Ooh, another dinner invitation."

"I wish I didn't have to be Sara."

"Do you?"

"For Alexis and Martha? I think so..."

"I don't think they'd tell on you."

"No but... it's a dangerous secret to know."

"Maybe. I know you want to tell them."

"You're right. I hate lying to Alexis. But she's so... She thinks so well of Lady Beckett. I don't want to crush her expectations. In a way it's better only to dream of your heroes, rather than meeting them and discovering that they're just as flawed as anyone else."

"You don't make a bad role model, Kate. But just tell her when you're ready."

Kate nodded. She didn't even worry about what to wear; the blue off the shoulder evening dress that she touched first seemed fine.


"I liked the black one better," Richard muttered in her ear as he kissed her cheek by way of greeting. Kate wished there was a way for her to respond without Alexis hearing. Instead, she went to say hello to her young friend and was soon dragged into a discussion about the tea party that was going to happen on Thursday. Alexis was almost as reluctant to talk about it as she was, but Martha insisted that they make proper arrangements and Kate was immediately enlisted to help. Richard watched the three women with amusement. He had a book to read but didn't pay much attention to it; Kate was so captivating she took up most of his concentration.

Kate was getting used to eating with the Castles. Martha disappeared soon after the meal, and Alexis left her and Richard to it after about an hour of entertaining conversation. And then they were alone.

"So, did you catch a murder?" he asked.

"I have a case, yes. But I haven't even looked at it yet."

"Shall we go?"

Kate grinned. "Actually I brought the information with me, so if you like we can look at it here."

The murder turned out to be that of an industrialist, a man who had just made a huge fortune with a new factory.

"He must have upset a few people," Richard commented.

"Yes. Not to mention the fact that his entire fortune now goes to his estranged son."

"Ooh, a family feud! Yes please," Richard said gleefully.

"You enjoy this too much," Kate told him, narrowing her eyes.

"I make it less depressing for you."

Kate could have delivered a smart retort but the truth was... he had a point. They were going to have to talk to people to find out more about the case.

"We can go tomorrow, during the day, if you're not busy."

"How do you hide your identity?"

"I wear a veil. You could wear a hat and glasses. And maybe a fake beard," she added with a wicked grin.

"I will have you know I look excellent with a beard."

"I'm sure you do," Kate said with twinkling eyes.

"So does that mean we're free tonight?"

"Fairly. We have to get up early tho-"

He was already kissing her. When she finally managed to push him away he sighed happily.

"I've been waiting to do that since you walked through the door. I missed you all day."

Kate raised her eyebrows.

"I suppose I might have missed you if I hadn't been so busy-"

He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the room and into the hall. He saw Ryan and dropped her hand instantly.

"The carriage for Lady Katayev, please," he told his butler. Ryan nodded.

"It will be around momentarily, Sir."

"Thank you. And you can call it a night now."

"Thank you, Sir. Goodnight."

Richard nodded to him and he left the room. They collected Kate's things and Richard even had the foresight to bring clothes and his 'disguise' for the next morning. Kate waited while he hurried upstairs to get everything. She didn't know what was wrong with her. She was on fire, she just wanted to grab him and kiss him and take him... She had never felt this way about anyone before. When he reappeared it was all she could do not to knock him over with the force of her kiss. She paced around as they waited for the carriage. When it was ready they almost ran for it, desperate to be alone together even if they were only in a little moving box.

Kate decided carriage seats really should be wider. She was in great danger of slipping to the floor and the thing wasn't even moving yet. It jerked forwards and she did fall off her seat; Richard too. They collapsed in a tangled heap, both giggling like lunatics. Richard's hands found their way under Kate's skirt and she laughed more. He looked at the strange contraption with mock bafflement.

"What is this?" he asked, looking at the hoops and the belt that held them up.

Kate laughed. "It's what women use to express themselves."

"But it makes everything so difficult."

"Maybe that's the fun."

"Maybe I'll just get under there and keep your legs company. There's room."

"Later," she mumbled, her mouth already beginning to trap his again. They somehow managed to arrange themselves into a fairly comfortable position, though they fell out of it every time the carriage went over a bump. They were both relieved when it finally stopped and they could hurry upstairs. Kate locked the door to her room.

"And now, Lady Beckett, would you please show me how to get you out of that thing!"


A/N: Thanks for reading and for all the awesome comments! I hope you liked it, please review. Love you all xxx