Even before I lost my vision, I had trouble believing in myself. It was never my strong suit. Of course, I had big dreams when I was little and I even intended to follow them up until I went blind, but I was always lacking in self-confidence. It seemed I always relied on others to give me that boost.
When I was 5 years old, I was playing on a jungle gym in the neighborhood. My mother was sitting on a nearby bench reading a book as I attempted to climb to the top. It was mighty high, though. I was a little kid, even for my age, and watching all the bigger children scale the monstrosity with ease was rather disheartening. I ran over to my mom and pulled at her pants leg.
"I wanna get to the top, mama," I said.
"You can do it, honey," mom answered. "It's not so hard. Look, all the other kids can do it. I know you can!"
I smiled big and ran back to the jungle gym. The tower of tangled metal stood before me like Mount Everest, and I was just a tiny backpacker with little experience. I braced myself. I knew I could do it. I put my hands on the highest point I could reach and hoisted myself up onto the first row of metal rods. I did this again. Twice more. I was a couple feet above the ground now but the top was still far away. Really far away. I looked over my shoulder and saw my mom, way back on the ground. She waved and blew a kiss at me. Yes! I could do this! I focused my attention back to the top and my stomach sank. No, no! I couldn't do this! But I was stuck. I couldn't back down now. I swallowed hard and climbed another row of metal bars.
A big kid swooshed past me real fast and almost bumped me off of the entire thing. I let out a squeal to myself and held on tight. Looking up, I saw a constant traffic of children coming and going, as if climbing this thing were no big deal. Why couldn't I do it? Okay, I thought. Gotta do it now.
I put my hand out to the next highest bar, but I miscalculated and slipped. I screamed and braced my body for impact with the ground, but somebody grabbed my hand. I looked up and saw a boy holding onto me. He smiled warmly and said, "It's okay, I got you!"
I laughed, he laughed, and I got back to the position I had been in prior to my fall.
"You want to go to the top?" he asked.
"Y-yeah," I said quietly.
"C'mon, it's easy. Here."
He took my hand and helped me climb up. Step by step, we made it. Finally, I had reached the summit! I looked out all around and saw real far. My mom was way down at the base, back to reading her book. It wasn't so hard after all. I smiled real big and went to thank the boy that helped me, but he was gone.
Logan woke up when James started to cover him with kisses. The taller boy made a trail of tiny pecks along his chest and up to his ear. "Good morning," he whispered.
"Hheey," Logan groaned.
"Can I fuck you?"
"Oh…not now."
"Do you wanna sleep longer?"
"Yeah. I woke up a lot last night."
"Awww why's that?"
"Just didn't sleep well."
"I'm sorry." James hugged Logan and propped his chin up on his sternum. "You know, you can always wake me up if you're having trouble."
"I don't want to bother you."
"Oofff. You're hopeless. But anyway," James sat up real quick. "I have class early. So you can sleep in late okay, right?"
"Yeah, that's fine."
"Mmmm alright. Be good, baby," he leaned over and gave Logan a little kiss on the cheek. "I'll be home ASAP."
"Yaaaay…"
When James left, Carlos was still hanging on the edge of the sofa and snoring loudly, but by the time Logan got up and stumbled out to the kitchen, he was awake.
"Ooooo!" Carlos yelled out as a shirtless Logan came out of the bedroom. Logan squealed and jumped.
"I didn't know you were here!" he shrieked.
"Ya sorry," Carlos apologized. "I just woke up like, two minutes ago."
"It's oka-a-ay," Logan said, both wincing and laughing. "You can have breakfast here, but I can't make it for you."
"No worries, man. Thanks though."
"How do you feel?" The blind boy managed to get out the milk and cereal, which was becoming routine now, and fixed himself something to eat. He leaned over the counter to consume it.
"Hung over."
"Hung over what?"
"No, no. That means, uhhhh, how do I explain…" Carlos watched Logan eating and made a frown. This was too much brain work for any time of day, let alone the morning. "When you feel like shit after drinking a lot."
"Ohh. I'm sorry you feel bad."
"It's fine, my fault."
"Are you going to go see Kendall at the hospital?"
"No."
"Oh? Why not?"
"I dunno if he wants to see me. I'd hate to do anything that will upset him, y'know?"
"Yeah, that makes sense."
Logan finished his cereal, dumped the bowl in the sink and carefully made his way over to the sofa, where he assumed Carlos still was. He sat down beside him.
"Do you think he'll take you back?" Logan asked.
"No idea. I hope so."
"You didn't really want to break up, did you?"
"Noooooo, not at all. Things just got out of control all at once. I dunno, man. It was weird. But it really upsets me…"
"What is so upsetting?"
"He must have been hurting," Carlos explained diligently. "He must have been feeling a lot of pain, even before our fight. I don't know why he didn't tell me. He acted like nothing was wrong. Honestly? I think when I yelled at him, it just happened to be the one thing that sent him over the edge. I don't believe my comment was isolated in making him upset."
Logan nodded as he listened to Carlos. He thought it was interesting how complicated everybody's lives are. Then, out of the blue, he asked, "How does it feel to be in love?"
"In love?" Carlos threw back at him. He chuckled to himself. "Aren't you in love with James?"
"Yeah I think so, but I don't have anything to compare it to, so, yeah."
"Ohhh, I see. Well, being in love is like…ugh…it's hard to explain. Love is a really hard emotion to explain. But if you're madly in love with someone, you feel like, sorta like they mean everything to you. You don't want to do anything without them, and you would do aannnything for them. You would die for them. You wanna spend the rest of your life and then some with 'em."
"Mm…" Logan sighed softly. He pressed his hands up to his chest and smiled.
"What are you doing?" Carlos asked with a giggle.
"I am in love with James," Logan whispered. "And James is in love with me."
"Wait, what's that?" Carlos pointed at Logan's left hand. He poked the engagement ring. "That's new, isn't it?"
"Yes. It's from James."
"Is it a…"
"Yeah."
"Niiiice!"
"You aren't going to scold me on how it's 'too soon'?" Logan asked, somewhat teasingly. But Carlos shook his head a whole lot.
"No, why would I?" he asked.
"That's what Kendall said. Too soon."
"Really? Because he asked me to marry him last week."
"Wait…he did?" Logan asked quietly.
"Uh huh."
"What did you say?"
"I'm not ready for that sort of commitment. And it's true."
"Maybe that's why he's so upset?" Logan suggested.
"Whaddya mean?"
"Well, he proposed to you, but you turned him down. That must have been painful. And then you start giving him a hard time because he's talking about James too much. I can imagine that could wear somebody down. He probably thinks you don't care much about him."
"Ohh…"
"Hm?"
"But I'm not ready for that sort of commitment," Carlos reiterated.
"Then maybe you're not ready to be with him at all."
"Ohh…"
"What do you want out of life?" Logan asked.
"I want to get through the academy and be a cop, just like my dad. And I uh, well, I dunno. I never thought any further than that."
"Kids?"
"I dunno, probably, yeah."
"Kids with Kendall?"
"Maybe someday."
"You have to 'strike while the iron is hot', or so they say," Logan said cutely. "Destiny doesn't wait."
"Well, listen to you!" Carlos said jovially. "Giving out life advice. How about that? But you're right, y'know. Ahh. I dunno what to do now."
"The next time I see Kendall, I'll ask him if he wants to talk to you. Does that work?"
"Would you do that for me?"
"Yeah of course."
"Awesome. Thanks. Let me know. Ummm, anyway, I gotta get home and head out to class, so I'll see you later. James has my number; you can always call me."
"Okay. I will let you know."
"Hey…"
James stepped inside the hospital room and held out a little white box to his friend lying in the bed. "I brought you a cake from Mr. Finkelman's."
"Thanks," Kendall said weakly, staring out the window. "Maybe later."
The taller guy set it down on a little table and took a seat. He put his elbows on his knees and stared at Kendall sympathetically. "How are you feeling?"
"Don't tell the doctors, but I still kind of want to die."
"Why would you say that?"
"'Cause this is all bullshit."
"What is?"
"Everything."
"Can you try to be more specific?"
"Carlos is a dickhead."
"How come?"
Still looking out the window, Kendall continued; "I pour my heart out to him, and he basically ignores it."
"Oh, you know Carlos. He's dense sometimes. I sure it wasn't on purpose."
"But it was important to me."
"Either way, there are other fish in the sea," James said, doing his best to cheer him up. Kendall scoffed.
"Not really. I was lucky to have found Carlos."
"That's silly…" the brunette sighed.
"After I dumped you, it occurred to me that I would never find a guy who loved me as much as you did."
James looked down and frowned.
"Then I found Carlos, and I thought I happened to get lucky. God gave me a second chance. But he fucked it up. Now I'll never have anybody."
"What's up with you? You've never, ever been this depressed. I've always known you as the friendly, optimistic guy who makes everyone else smile."
"Things change," Kendall sighed. He finally looked over at James. His eyes were dark and emotionless. "I just want to get out of here so I can go back to work and dwindle the last years of my life away."
"Ugghh. Don't say that. You'll find somebody else. And either way, you can't base your whole life on the outcome of your relationships."
"I don't know. I need to sleep. I'll see you later." Kendall turned over and pulled the thin blanket up to his face. James sighed to himself. Obviously he had no other choice but to go home.
