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A/N: I feel I should apologise for being kind of 'Disney' sometimes. Sorry. But... I love Disney so actually I take being called that as a massive and adorable compliment!
Richard waited for Kate to answer. He was terribly worried that he'd overstepped, and her silence only scared him further. She had told him she didn't want complicated, she didn't want a relationship, she wanted them to just be friends... His question echoed around his own head as he wished he hadn't said it. "Don't you want me to know you?" It had been cruel, demanding. He had put her on the spot and it was his own fault she wasn't answering. She had made the boundaries very clear.
And he couldn't cope with them.
What? Was that really what he was thinking? He was the man, detachment was supposed to be easy for him. But the more he thought about it, the more he realised that he wasn't going to be able to cope with this. To draw it out would be unfair to both of them, and to everyone around him. They couldn't be together. It was just too complicated – and Kate didn't even want that. But they couldn't go on the way they were. Maybe she could. Maybe she was used to that kind of thing. He didn't judge her, he understood how difficult her life must be.
But she didn't want him to know her. He had seen the fear in her eyes when she revealed her identity to him. Fear... but mingled with relief. He could still help her. He still wanted to... because he loved her. Because... Because now she was in his life no other woman could ever satisfy him.
And yet he was about to end it. He was about to tell her that he wouldn't go on with what they were doing.
He looked over at her, her beautiful form draped on the couch across the room. She wasn't sleeping. He sat up and she did too; she had been paying attention in her silence. She probably felt guilty, but she shouldn't – he had asked, it was his fault.
"I can't do it," he whispered.
Kate looked at him, not understanding. Did he mean he was going to push her for answers?
"Can't do what?" she asked, afraid, but curious at the same time. What did he want from her? He seemed to cope with everything, seemed so eager to please. He didn't ask for much... Maybe he was going to ask now.
"I can't go on the way we are. I... I don't want to make love to you any more. I mean, I do. So badly. But I'm not going to force you into a relationship, being in one would only be dishonest – but at the same time, I can't... be attached to you physically but not emotionally."
Kate was stunned. She had not been expecting this. Richard was a man. She had never known a man to say no. To anything. She tried to think of what to say, how to convince him that he was wrong, that he wanted to be with her. She could kiss him, touch him in ways that only she knew how; she could make him beg for her to take him, to love him, to do anything with him as long as she didn't stop. She could have him completely under her control in seconds... But instead she nodded.
"I... I understand. I'm sorry. I'll go-" she began, standing up and picking up her dress.
"No! Don't leave!" he pleaded.
She was confused. "I thought you wanted me to."
"I... I still want us to be friends."
She smiled gently. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I... I don't want to torture you."
"I know what I can take. Not seeing you would be far, far worse than simply being your friend."
"But the sex is so good..." she joked half heartedly.
"I know," Richard said sadly. "But I'll only scare you away. I care about you too much to do that."
"You care about me too much to have sex with me? Now that is a first," Kate teased, but in her heart she was serious and she was touched. In a way she couldn't believe she was letting this happen, she was letting him slip away. She wanted to run into his arms and tell him that she loved him, that he was free to love her, that they would be together... But it would be a lie. She didn't love him. Did she? Perhaps it was too soon to tell...
No. She didn't. She couldn't. Her 'walls', as she called them, were the only thing separating her from unbearable pain. She couldn't break them down and she couldn't let him breach them. She lived in her own personal hell and she wasn't about to inflict that on anyone, let alone someone she cared so much about.
"So... can I still be your partner?" Richard asked tentatively. Kate wanted to hug him, he looked so nervous and desperate.
"Always," she whispered, still wishing there was something she could say or do to change what had just happened. But there was nothing. She could think of nothing.
He helped her put her dress back on. It was funny, really, how careful he was when only the night before his hands had ravaged her body. His fingers brushed between her shoulder blades and she felt a hard ache flow down her spine, settling below her stomach as she gritted her teeth and held in the little moan that wanted to escape her mouth.
They decided to work for the rest of the afternoon. Richard produced a map of London and Kate showed him the high danger areas that the police never seemed to reach. He listened intently. They also looked through the paper. Kate often searched for missing people – so many people just seemed to disappear, and a horrifying number of them were children. She began to tell Richard about one particular case involving a little girl not much younger than Alexis, but regretted it when she saw the pain in his eyes.
"How can I help?" he asked as he scanned the column of names. "There aren't even pictures. How... There must be so many that even you don't find."
"Far too many," Kate admitted. But it was her choice. The guilt should not have been hers but she chose to shoulder it, she chose to look all she could and do all she could, to regret every night not spent working, to regret every second she spent on herself and not on others... In a way it helped her not to think about the pain that was really hers.
"There are places to look," she told him. "I go to the poor house regularly; children often seem to end up there. And there's a baker who throws stale crusts out every morning... there are ways you can help."
"And that's where you go?"
"I was at the bakery this morning, before I came here. I take the name of every child and I try to find who they belong to. They look after each other, though. And they're often very useful when I need eyes and ears in the streets."
"Do you like children?" Richard asked with a glint in his eye. Kate caught it and raised her eyebrows.
"I like them when they're old enough to go to the toilet by themselves and know how to chew with their mouths closed."
Richard laughed. He could tell she was lying but he wasn't going to confront her about it. Women were strange about children. And a woman as wounded as Kate seemed to be... it was natural that she might be touchy about the subject.
Kate didn't find any of her names on the list. She knew that some missing people didn't want to be found. Children ran away from factories or abusive parents... There was nothing to support them. They had no one. No one but the rare friendly shopkeeper, and people like her. She didn't want to be a mother but she was already more of one than she would ever admit. She was even turning into one for Alexis.
Dinner time arrived and Alexis and Martha returned in good spirits. Alexis had found a pair of fencing gloves which Kate admired enthusiastically. Martha had ordered yet another hat, with Richard's money, but Richard's horror was entirely faked.
"I'm sure it's lovely," he said after she swatted him with her scarf. Alexis grinned.
"I think it's hideous," she whispered to Kate. Kate giggled. There was something so sweet about Alexis that no matter how worried she was, she always felt a younger and more innocent when she talked to the girl. Martha raised her eyebrows, having heard the comment, but in the end laughed as well.
"Did you have a nice afternoon?" she asked Kate. Kate smiled.
"I was working. It was fairly dull, really. I stayed here and explained some of what I do to Richard."
"He's going to write about you, isn't he?" Alexis asked with a sigh.
"Why is that bad?" Richard demanded.
"It's not. Necessarily. But... You can like someone without turning them into a character in one of your books."
Kate winked. "It's alright. I'm sure he'll do me justice. And if he doesn't, I'll ask for a higher percentage of the profits."
Alexis laughed. "I'm in one of his books. Maybe I should ask for some money."
"Who pays for all your clothes and education?" Richard asked her. Alexis blushed but he grinned.
"No, you're right," he said to her. "You really do deserve some credit. You're the one who makes sure I finish on time."
Martha looked sideways at Kate; they were seated round the dining table at this point. "He's right you know. She's the only organised one in the family. I don't know where she gets it."
"It wasn't her mother," Richard added. "That would explain it, but Meredith was just as flighty as I am."
Alexis looked at him. "Maybe you aren't really my father..."
She said it deadpan and for a moment Kate was quite worried, until the whole family erupted into laughter around her.
"You didn't think I meant it, did you?" Alexis asked, worried, as Kate produced a weak smile from her nervous face.
The dinner continued and they talked for over an hour after the food had been cleared away. Then Alexis insisted on some fencing, especially because she 'needed' to try out her new gloves. Martha excused herself to go to bed with a meaningful nod to Kate. She had sensed the changed atmosphere between Kate and Richard. Alexis hadn't, but she was getting there. Martha didn't miss much when it came to elephants in rooms and she had a pretty good idea about what had happened. She wouldn't interfere, but she hoped the two 'children' would realise on their own that they would be able to work it out.
An exhausted Alexis left after an hour of fencing, and as soon as she had gone Kate said she would go too.
"We can be alone together," Richard said. "I trust you."
Kate laughed. "I know. But I am tired, and I want to work tonight."
"Can I come?"
Kate bit her lip. "Is it alright if I say no? Just for tonight," she added hurriedly. "I... I have a lot to think about and I'd rather be alone."
"No problem," Richard said gently. "I understand. I wish... I wish it could be different."
"Me too," Kate said honestly. "You've no idea..."
"Maybe one day it will be," Richard said, trying to sound hopeful.
"Maybe," Kate agreed. She didn't know how, though. So much would have to change...
Richard finally closed his book, having written several thousand words. Kate might not love him but Nikki could love Rook, the ruggedly handsome journalist who was helping her with her detective work. In a way the fictional characters helped, but they also made reality even harder to face.
He threw off his sweaty clothes and washed himself, then collapsed into bed. He was drained, physically and emotionally. He couldn't believe he had chosen this. He had chosen to go to bed alone tonight, to be pining for her instead of devouring her, to be wishing instead of living the dream.
He told himself again and again that he had made the only rational choice. He had done the right thing. Anything else would have been unfair. He had to be strong. She had said maybe – maybe he could convince her. Maybe one day...
There was a tap on his bedroom door. He opened his eyes groggily and stumbled out of bed to open it, wondering what anyone could want at this time of night...
"Hey," she said shyly. She was wearing just a shirt, one of his, the one she had borrowed for fencing. She was holding a candle which lit her face with a flickering, golden glow.
"Why are you... I can't," he said weakly. "I want to, I do, and you're lovely, but I can't."
She came into the room and locked the door, then put the candle down on the chest of drawers. Not looking at him, she began to speak.
"I know what you said, and I agree. It wasn't enough. So," she turned to face him, "I want more. I... I didn't want to admit it and I know I'm a long way from simple and uncomplicated but... I can't stand to be without you. And the reason for that is... that I love you."
"You-"
"I won't say it again but it's the truth and this is embarrassing so will you please just accept it?"
"Uhm... sure. And I love you too... You're perfect..."
"Thank you," she said with a saucy smile, pulling the shirt off over her head to reveal her delectable naked body. She closed the gap between them and pulled his head to hers, capturing his mouth in a long, frenzied kiss.
A/N: Sorry... But never fear, I believe in happy endings. Now write me a review and I might continue his dream.
