For my dear Moni! All I say is Bones AW style! Which is the chapter 3 of this road. The title and soundtrack for this chapter though goes to Chiara!

I don't own the good wife... or Alicia would be crying her heart out right now and peter in jail!

Also bring tissues then you read this chapter... and a special thanks to Betty and Tali ;-) But really a huge thank you to all my amazing readers and reviewers!


I let it fall, my heart
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true
And the games you'd play, you would always win, always win

But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name


Set Fire To The Rain

I am crying, I am crumbling, I am shaking from the winter's cold. It is freezing and the coat and scarf do nothing to help against it. The icy wind seemed to rush right past my clothes, making me shiver and my body hurt. The tears on my cheeks are frozen into icy crystals, stinging my skin.

Today has been horrible, actually all of last week has been horrible, or maybe actually the last couple of weeks. Ever since my encounter with Will in his car. Only added up to that a yesterday in the elevator. The case, the Ashbaugh law suit, though he was now long dead, he had almost seemed to have been brought back to life these days. His relatives, vultures absent when he was living and suddenly fighting over his legacy. Family law, it always makes me wish I had David Lee's knowledge about the matter. I had been relieved when I saw that David Lee wasn't even the lawyer I was to face but Will was. At least until I found out it was all a set up, David Lee had been coaching Will in all family law matters to use, but he was doing it as he could rattle me more. He probably took the case on himself, knowing that after all that happened in his car he would already have me unsettled. And he knew this case would only make it worse, with Ashbaugh, a client he had given to me long ago. A client that had been heavily debated during our brief erotic and romantic time together. A client I now wish I had never taken on.

Will used everything he had, first it had been the law he played with. I could stand my ground there, even with David Lee playing behind the scenes. I hadn't however expected he would ever go there, undercutting me using memories of our time together. Not directly of us but things connected to Ashbaugh he had only known because of phone-calls to me, or my venting to him. Stuff he could only know because of me. Stuff that brought back memories. Memories of him healing me, of taking my anger, worries, pain and frustrations. Everything really he took away with his hands, lips, kisses and body. Memories that had me shivering from just the thought of how good it had felt. Memories he now used against me, as each one he brought up rattled me and he smirked knowing what it did to me, how it set me off.

I had fought back, of course I had fought back. Something I had done ever since that day two months ago where he came to my office and asked in a low but steady voice if I was leaving. Something that had me speechless, so I didn't answer. It was how it started coldly, he kept asking demanding an answer, his cool attitude actually rattled me a bit more, made me unsure what I was to say. But I did answer and the moment I uttered the word sorry all the dangerously cool and calm attitude was gone. I have never before seen him that angry, he was ruthless and cruel and my arguments fell on deaf ears. I was in shock when he demanded I left, and I wasn't sure what had made me foolish enough to stand up to him and refuse so, but I had. Back then I had told myself it was the only way to do it, to buy my new firm time, to buy myself a bit more time in relation to my new clients. That I now needed to fight for my rights and my firm.

In perspective I know it had been foolish, an idiotic move, one that had only sent us further down the rabbit-hole. Further down the deadly hollow I had stepped into, and Will's next actions of taking my phone and demanding Robyn to stay there and not let me leave. Unknowing that Robyn was in on it too. The day had gone from worse to destruction the moment he took out a restraining order. It had gone really bad when we fought it in court. The moment we left and David Lee called me Judas, and I had told them all off and told them I would come for them that in the end they would be left with a very nice suite of offices. I know I have turned the war deadly when I went to one of the judges involved in Will's bribery scandal.


This case was similar to that in many ways. Back then we used stuff to undercut the other. We had done that every since I left, but this time it topped. It became almost more deadly. I had tried the same approach as him, using things I only knew from being with him, things that were highly unethically to bring up, and he had been shocked, but not too much as he had gone right back at me. And that was how days had now been spend, cutting words, every sweet memory of us turned against the other as a deadly weapon. Each night I came home I felt weaker, sadder, more destroyed.

It doesn't help that even my dreams wouldn't let me escape but they were now filed with memories of love making, of teasing, of laughter, until the laughter turned into cruel sarcastic grinning, and memories of us in his car. Of how he wouldn't even let me kiss him. The sex we were now having was only just cold emotionless sex to him. Thoughts of how he hated me enough to fuck me hard but not kiss me or hold me. The teasing in the dreams turned into bleeding jabs at my heart, and the love making turned into another woman with Will laughing over how pathetic I was, and how much more he loved the faceless woman in his arms. Words whispered of how she was the one, and how I had nothing on her, that she was every bit the woman I never was. I woke up shaken and hurt, never able to find rest again, making me more and more sleep deprived.

Until yesterday in the elevator when I had ambushed him. One more time down the rabbit-hole, of course he still denied me every kiss I longed to share with him. He hoisted me up against the panels of cold elevator wall and made me feel all the pleasure my body craved. But he didn't kiss me, he didn't love me, it was all hate and pain. And god, I was crushed when he lowered me to the ground once more, starting the elevator without a word to me. Leaving me to crumble into a teary mess.

Today I had lost the case, he had won, with one last strike, one last witness, one last statement crushing everything in the defense I had build up, and his cruel smile at me as he won had only made the loss bigger. He really didn't love me anymore, or at least the love was covered by hate. He had won the case. He had won our moments, not a single one remained for me to treasure alone in my cold bed at night, no one to warm me up. That had so far been when I allowed myself to remember a time where Will's eyes were not cold with furry and hate, but instead warm and tender, loving and adoring me. The time when he was like healing balm to my soul because I felt at my lowest low. But he had destroyed them all every memory, every kiss, every silky touch, every smile, every word of adoration and bonding: nothing was left for me to treasure in my loneliness.

Instead I could now remember tender moments as deadly weapons used to destroy me and my case. I had memories of the rough dark encounters of our last couple of times. All memories of our sacred and private months of happiness were gone like lines in the water, broken by the waves. I didn't even have Georgetown left anymore, as the Will in Georgetown had no resemblance to the Will I saw now, I met now. My Will in Georgetown was laughing, smiling, teasing, caring, gentle, though he challenged my every thought or idea and opinion. This Will challenged me for sure, he beat me every chance he got, but he was ruthless, cruel, deliberated cunning and strategic. He was like a man possessed. Nothing would stop him until he had destroyed me, my firm, my family and my husband.

He is the reason why Peter and Eli are facing charges now, why money on the home front also went to Peter's defense, why I had to check so many bills yet again. A new firm that needed to be paid for, a son in college, and legal fees for a top defense lawyer for Peter. Peter that is facing hearings. Peter that is facing his impeached trial, Peter that is facing a civil lawsuit. Added up to all the money I also need money for the apartment, for Grace's private school, for living. It seemed that I am always paying bills and counting the money these days. The news of Peter had been sprung on me the day after my time with Will in his car. I know he is behind it. I wanted to ask if he did it before or after sleeping with me again, but I somehow couldn't. The fear that he really hated me that much that he would do it after was too painful. I still want to live in the hope it was done before. I don't know how much he has to do with it, but I do know it somehow goes back to him.

My life is a mess, even though Peter is facing charges I still in the end invited him to the office holiday party tonight. Eli, him and Cary all saying it would show his innocence, would show an united front, plus any press is better than no press like Cary said. And though the governor's image is now tainted it is still better than nothing. And I had bend in the end, I need the clients, I need to get the money to pay off the lawyers my family needs lately. I could have asked Cary for representation, but the cases were too big, too problematic that we needed top lawyers to not risk losing everything. And it is not like I could ask Will. I also might need a lawyer myself any up coming moment. The moment the press gets an idea that I helped covering Peter's election fraud and because I needed him as governor for my image when I started my new firm. Something like how I signed Chum-Hum would back up. So far it hasn't happened but it might any day. Ironic as it is, since I didn't know about it until the medias once again surprised me. Peter is the one that has told me Will knew, that Will held it back on election night. Why I also suspect the leak is coming from him. But we can't prove anything, though Peter will certainly have tried to have investigators find evidence linking Will to the cover up. Even though I told him not to, I am sure he has tried. But I know he won't find anything. Will has Kalinda on his side and Kalinda can cover up anything. More stuff is showing up, more stuff is being linked to Peter and his past for each day that passes. Stuff that though the trial is ongoing makes the outcome looks given already now. And I am sure it won't be in Peter's favor.


Now I am rushing toward my office along the empty streets. My car has broken down once again and Cary had already left the court building. For some reason no cab seemed to be in sight. The pavement is icy and my high heels are not a good thing here as I am close to falling many times. I just longed to go home (not that I could for many hours after all I have an office holiday party to get back to) and step into my warm shower, letting the water warm me up while the tears fell. Tears for all that I was, all that I have done, every moment and memory I have lost. Every promise and heart I have crushed. Because that was what the whole thing made me see.

That Will's anger and hate to me were all my own fault, because I was reckless and careless with his heart and trust. When he found out what I was doing he had called me awful, back then I had told myself I wasn't, that I was doing the right thing. But now, now I know differently. My whole body hurts from the cold wind and the breaking of my heart. I love him, I know that, I have always loved him, and it won't go away no matter how much hate we throw at each other. He was the only one to ever touch my heart so deeply he wouldn't leave it again, no matter how many cutting and painful words were spoken, or how many promises broken, and memories destroyed. He still wouldn't leave my heart.

I had thought if I got away from him, if I left him, if I saw him treat me differently it would be over. That he would leave my heart and soul once and for all, leaving me to commit to my marriage. I hadn't counted in that distance made the heart grow fonder or how much I would miss him. How much the hate in his eyes would feel like icy arrows thrown at my heart every time he looked at me. It wasn't even the hate so much it was the betrayal, the pain, the coldness like I was nothing to him, and had never been. Like he couldn't care less if I lived or died. Having Will look at me like that was horrible, it was the worst I have ever felt. Even more I didn't count on still not being able to stay away from him. That even his hate for me didn't make me desire or love him any less. That I had still slept with him now on two occasions, each one painful and heart crushing.

It felt even worse because I can't get him out of my heart, or my head. That he is always there, like a ghostly presence always reminding me of what we were, of what we used to be of what we could have been. At every single event I went to with Peter, I felt like Will's fingers were ghosting along my spine, making me shiver and long for him. Every time I faced him in court I wished he would take me in his arms and kiss me senseless, making me feel like I am whole again. That I am happy and that everything is like it should be.

I look around before crossing the road, but my heels catch in the ice under my feet, making me tumble to the ground. My knees get scratched along with my hands. My hip hurt from having hit the ground, and I cursed, I can only hope that my laptop hadn't broken from the fall or my phone. I scramble to sit up again, my body hurt more now than before. I manage to sit and start to get up but the ground is slippery, making me lose my balance once more and fall back on the ground. I feel tears gathering in my eyes, making it hard to see. Tears that long to spill over. Tears that have softly run down my cheeks since I left the courtroom, the same ones that are giving me frost bites on my cheeks now. Except it wasn't silent, it was impossible to stop crying any longer it was a steady stream of tears, close to turning into full blown sobs.

I try to get up again and am almost there when I get blinded by the long light of a car coming directly toward me. I lose my balance once more. And for a second I close my eyes. My body is in too much pain from the fall to move away though I try. The thoughts rushing through my mind are of how much pain I have caused. How many I have hurt. But the biggest is I will never tell Will how I love him without it being a mix of hate and anger and love. I will never get to tell him those words as I lay in his arms feeling his love surround me. In that moment it is all clear to me. He loved me, he had always loved me, I have just been to blind to see it, too stubborn to give him a chance with me. To scared to give my heart to him, though he already lived in it. I knew it when I ran away after our sex in his car, but now here alone it is like I realize he loved me as deeply as I love him.

I will die now though, and he will probably not even care at this point, because then I will finally be out of his life for good. I can hear the motor of the car and the blood thundering in my ears. Do you lose consciousness before you die because of the fear from dying?


I scream through the tears and pain and that is when I feel a couple of strong arms that grab me and drag me into safety the very last moment. The same arms that belong to a body that is now covering me, shielding me in case the car should lose its ground on the ice. A body I am clinging to and sobbing like a child into the neck of. It could be anyone that has saved my life, anyone really I don't know and yet my heart fully knows who it is. I cling to the person like a life-preserver. He is warm and strong against my small shivering cold form. My angel of mercy, my savior. Or maybe not, maybe he is just my eternal nemesis that once more came to serve me the price for all the betrayal and anger and hate I have caused. One that would doom me to a long life of nothing. While I know I have destroyed my every chance of happiness and true love with my soul-mate.

"Alicia... Alicia please talk to me, please move. Please be alright..." His voice calls to me through the thunder of my ears and my sobs of heartbreak. Him, the very man I am sure couldn't care less if I live or die has saved my life. His strong voice pulls me back to the world of the living and not just the shadow world I have felt caught in seconds before, and I flutter my eyelashes.

"What were you thinking? You could have been killed..." He whispers his lips close to my ear. I groan now. As I feel myself return I can also feel my body again and the pain I am in.

I flutter my eyes open to meet his. His eyes for once like I remember them in the past, maybe I really am dead because I think only after death I could see my Will, looking at me like that once again. His eyes are filled with worry and fear for my well-being as he carefully strokes my cheek, warming it. Only hours ago I felt like he would kill me with his own hands if he ever got the chance, now he looks at me like he used to. Like I am something precious, something cherished, something whole and loved. It only makes me cry harder and I bury my face into his shoulder once more, clinging to him, holding on to him like my life depends on not ever letting go, and it is not wrong how could I ever be so cruel to this man, I need him in my life I need him to love me. I need everything he is. His hands stroke my back and my hair, tenderly like you would do with a child.

"Alicia I need to get you home." He pushes me back from him a little to check on me again.

He looks so worried and I feel tears continue to run down my face. What have I done to us... to him?

I start to shake from the cold, rain and my sadness. And I feel him as he carefully wraps his arms around me in comfort, pulling me back into his chest. We are still sitting on the cold icy ground and I bury myself into his warmth. Seeking everything of him, every inch of comfort he is offering me, taking all he is giving me. I am soaking it up, like I am starving for it, which wasn't a lie. I was drowning and he pulled me from the waters. It is like I need him to breathe. I am soaking in his warmth and comfort, like I always should have, like I now wish I had done when I had the chance before.

"Hey... hey it is okay... I got you... you are okay... Alicia... it is all okay. I got you... It's okay." He holds me gently against him, stroking my back trying to calm me like I did with Zach and Grace when they were hurt or in pain, while I continue to sob, my head buried into his shoulder.

"Alicia, we need to get you home, you are soaked from the snow, and we are still at the road."

Snow ? I hadn't even realized the white substance had started to fall before he said it.

I feel how he moves, trying to stand up and pulling me with him. I am shaking and shivering from the cold and the fear still in my body. My legs are having a hard time holding me up, and I am pretty sure I am only standing up straight because of his arms still holding me. I feel like I am falling the moment he lets go of me to take off his coat so he can wrap it around my shoulders. His arm stays around me as he guides me a little down the road. As I stumble he sweeps me up into his arms without a word. He carries me gently like a child or a bride. Like something way more precious than I deserve, that is for sure. I wonders briefly how he has found me. But I am not sure he would give me an answer even if I asked.

He carries me over to the passenger side of the car and carefully places me back on the ground before he helps me get into the car. I put the seat-belt on and pull his warm woolen coat closer against me. It smells like him, and his after shaver. The one I prefer. I glance over as I hear the other door being opened and see him slip in. He reaches and turns the car on, before turning the heat up.

"I checked in the back, I am sorry I don't have a blanket with me. But I will turn the heat up as well as the warmth in the seat, so you can warm up a little." He offers me. And I nod slowly and silently. I reach my ice cold hands forward holding them in front of the fan, letting the heat steaming out warming them up.

He pulls the car out on the road, while he keeps glancing over at me. Tears are forming in my eyes once more. He is taking care of me even now, when I don't deserve him, when all I have done is to hate loving him so badly that I needed to destroy our friendship, our memories and our hearts. So much that I would rather stab him in the back than give him a chance to love me fully and completely. Still he is here pampering me like a lost child and it stuns me and breaks my heart a little more.

"Alicia what were you thinking, running around on the dark streets in the snow and cold..." He asks me gently as we drive. I have no answer, well I could tell him it only started to snow as I fell to the ground but he has just saved my life and that is no real answer.

"I could have died..." I whisper softly, he has saved my life, yet again. This time even literary. He had made sure she got a chance to correct her mistakes.

"You are alright Alicia..." He whispers, and I can hear his voice shake a little. It has an edge of fear and nervousness to it. I gulp, he is still calling me Alicia, a name that had otherwise been replaced by Mrs. Florrick, or a sarcastic version of my dear.

"Shall I take you home?" He asks gently and I shake my head, I still need to get back to the office to the damn party. I can only hope I still have an extra suit there, though it won't compare to the scarlet red dress I have on now that is most likely destroyed. Not that I care about the dress or the party. But if I don't go they will have my head for it tomorrow.

"The office please..." I whisper, my voice thick from my tears which makes me glance over.

"Maybe you need a few days off, a vacation or something... it has been a hard week..." He offers me, as I take his words in and shake my head.

"I am alright now..." I look down before adding what is really on my mind. "Except I made a mistake..." I whisper the latter and he glances over. I can feel he is uncomfortable.

"You lost the case Alicia... I won this one, you will win the next... you are okay now..." He adds, and I feel weird. He is trying to make it professional. Even though there is nothing professional about this anymore.

"It's... it is not that... Matthew, I made him settle once, and he didn't want to... he died with regrets..." I answer as I think back to the case, to the memories.
"Everyone has regrets Alicia... dead or alive..." He answers me, and I want to ask what his are. What he regrets, but I know I am not allowed that, and that he wouldn't answer.

"No, Will the point is I never gave him a chance to show me why he wanted to do it his way... I never listened..." I whisper.

"That is not true... Alicia you listened a lot and we know it... I saw and heard how many phone-calls you took from him." He offers, and I nod slowly.

"I would have died with regrets... " I whisper softly, scared to say the least.

"We all have regrets... Alicia... like I said dead or alive... it's life..." He tells me gently, giving me a quick glance over.

"No... I mean, I made a mistake... I didn't listen sooner" I tell him softly, looking over at him now. I know if don't tell him now in this moment I probably never will. And someday I will find myself dying without him knowing the truth.

He looks over at me quickly and I can see the confusion on his face. I feel tears on my own face.

"I made a mistake when I didn't talk with you on election night... I made a mistake when I never gave you a fair chance even when we were together... I made a mistake when I ended things with you. I made one when I never gave you a chance, a real one. I made one every time I ran from you instead of falling into your arms like I wished to." I whisper softly, looking over at him, I notice how he tenses up, and his hands tightens on the wheel in shock over my words. "I should have given you a chance... I wish I had... that is my regret. I wished I had never left you like that. That is my biggest regret." I add softly. He sighs, and glances over at me. His eyes are dark and hollowed.

I know I am being selfish once more telling him this now. I just couldn't live with the regret of never speaking those words, though. He looks back on the road, and I wait silently for him to speak. Finally he sighs.

"Alicia... I can't... it is too late... there is too much water under the bridge. I don't want to hurt you Alicia but.. I can't forget all that has happened... I am not sure I could ever trust you... and as far as I know you are still married... many of those things in the past they are still there... if I took you back right now I would always wonder if you only wanted me here in this moment because you were shaken from the accident or if you wanted me for real. I... don't want to hurt you whatever the last few months have looked like but... those are the facts..." He tells me softly as my heart breaks.

I know he is trying to be gentle with me, while turning me down, something I hadn't offered him much of. Something I certainly hadn't offered him this last time where I severed all ties to him and made him hate me, while saying it wasn't meant personally. Yet here he is talking to me softly after having saved my life, and listening to me practically ask him to take me back after I stabbed him and hurt him deeply. Because what? I had some kind of sign from the universe? I am crying openly now, turning my face against the window.

"I know... I know..." I whisper, my voice thick from my tears. "I missed my chance." I add softly making sure I won't risk him seeing my tears and how much this breaks me.

"I'm too late..." I whisper so softly it was most my own thoughts spoken out loud, yet I hear him sigh again.

"My whole world turned upside down. I can adjust." I add, unable to look over at him.

"I did." he whispers, and I know it is true how many times haven't I turned him down one way or another, and he always adjusted.

"Yes, you did." I whisper.

"Alicia..." he answered softly.

I am crying, hating myself more than ever that I hadn't seen what he offered me earlier, that I didn't follow or listen to her heart.

"Yeah... I did..." He whispers tenderly. He has adjusted, he probably doesn't love me anymore. And I can't do anything to turn back time to and hope to make things right before it came to this.

"Do you need me to call someone... anyone to be with you... I mean maybe you shouldn't be alone right now..." He asks me protectively, and I realize we have arrived at my office building. I shake my head, in reality I won't be alone though that is what I long for right now. I need to put on a fake smile.

"No... I will be okay..." I tell him softly forcing myself to sound stronger than I feel like.

He sighs and nods. Our eyes meet, and I know he wants to say more. However I can't stand to hear it right now. I know it might be cruel that I can't give him the decency of hearing his explanations or apologies for turning me down, something I probably owed him but it just hurts too much. "I understand..." I whisper once more, and start to take the coat off. "Alicia keep that... you still have to go out to get to inside and your clothes are soaked. You can give it back some other time." he tells me gently and I nod. For once I accept what he offers, something I won't ever again brush off.

"Thank you... and thank you for saving my life." I whisper softly, my eyes locked with his, and he nods in understanding. I hesitate for a moment, I have already said I made a mistake in choosing wrongly, in not giving him a chance but she still hadn't told him those words other than as whispers and pleas during sex, but I can't say them now. Those three words, because saying them now would be cruel to him.

I give him a half smile and brush a few tears away as I open the car door and step outside. Without looking back at him I hurry inside the office building and up to my office. Making sure no one sees me. In the safety of my office's bathroom I let my heart break once more and let the tears run freely until I manage to pull myself together and switch clothes. The rest of the night as I join the party I am giving fake smiles to everyone, not letting anyone see that I am heartbroken and have just been turned down by my soul-mate. Because I can't let anyone see my pain. A pain that is all my own fault because I was too late.


When laying with you
I could stay there, close my eyes
Feel you here, forever
You and me together, nothing is better

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Where I felt something die, 'cause I knew that
That was the last time, the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door
As if that heart you caught is still waiting for you
Even now when it's already over
I can't help myself from looking for you


Okay I am sorry if some of you are crying now... I cried while writing it... I really did... but she broke his heart badly in the past and with leaving the firm the way she did. So he wouldn't just take her back like that. Trust has to be rebuild... Also I am sorry for no sex in this one... I have started to write chapter 4 slowly but no idea then that will be done as I have to study as well;-) but keep reviewing all the encouragement I receive for this story makes me want to write more... So please keep up the work in that area!

(Oh and a note to Megan Grace i tried to PM you but couldn't the inconsistencies you commented on regarding protection under the m-rated part it wasnt one it was a choice i knew about, and I will explain it with that in 2-3 sex scenes of the show we have not seen Alicia worry about protection...)

Another thing there were a few commenting on the NSA tapes... will try to explain that one a bit more in a later chapter...