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A/N: I should be studying... But I suddenly had a wave of inspiration which I think you (cough you know who you are cough) will appreciate. And my exam isn't until tomorrow – YOLO!
Also – as a smart reviewer pointed out, Sherlock Holmes shouldn't really be published yet, since it came out just before 1900. Which I knew... my brain is sometimes slow at making connections. However, this is an AU fic so maybe Sherlock started a bit sooner in this universe?
Richard looked through everything in the little box that Kate had given him, and felt his heart break for her a little more with each new document. He had known she was wounded, he had guessed everything, almost teasing guesses... He felt terrible now. He had played with something that he should never have touched, that he should never have invaded, but at the same time, now that he knew about it all there was nothing he wanted to do more than help her. He wanted to fix it, to fix everything...
It all made sense now. Her fear, her fear of love and attachment. Everything had been taken away from her and she was constantly under observation, constantly under threat. That was why she hadn't wanted anyone to know about him, that was why she had been so careful. She hadn't wanted them to know about him. Them. In her own notes she called the leader 'Dragon'; she knew that he was a high up politician, but she didn't know who. She had never met him. There were a few names there with question marks beside them. Some she suspected to have connections to Dragon, some were just dishonest.
The thing which got to Richard the most was the clinical description of Kate's mother's case. Johanna Beckett, killed nine years ago, an unsolved stabbing, related to some charity work she was doing. The police had attributed her death to random violence in a dangerous area, but Kate had known this was wrong. She had considered police corruption, espionage, money... but none of her theories had been correct. She still did not even know why her mother had been killed. Richard could see how this could have destroyed her – and in a way it had destroyed her. Kate Beckett was a remarkable woman, a woman who brought justice and peace and safety to dozens of people, but she wasn't whole. She protected herself from the pain she must have felt, from the pain she must still be feeling, by not allowing herself to care for anyone and not letting anyone care about her.
Richard couldn't believe that this was working. As he read through this box that was Kate's life, he thought about her face when she had climbed through his window earlier. Desperate. Miserable and desperate. She had needed him, she had been lost... her steely strength had returned almost immediately but he knew that the scared nineteen year old was still in there. Kate hadn't been able to deal with her so she had locked her away instead, choosing to live this half-life of self denial and sacrifice.
As he waited for her return, he wondered what on earth he could do. There was nothing he wanted more than to save her. He was worried about Sally, but from what he had read about the people watching Kate, he was worried about Kate more. The thought of something happening to her because she went against their orders...
And then there was Lady Sara. Richard had thought Lady Sara existed purely so that Lady Beckett remained unknown. He had thought he was the only one to know that Sara was Kate. But it seemed that Dragon knew this as well. Though the thought hurt him more than he could describe, he couldn't help but wonder, if Dragon knew everything about Kate's life, both sides of it, why she was still alive.
Until he found a note that Kate had written herself, almost a journal entry. The penmanship was scruffy, almost illegible at times, and many words had been crossed out or changed. The paper was crumpled, as though she had screwed it up, intending to throw it out, but had changed her mind and unfolded it again.
He let me go. I don't understand. He found me, he was torturing me... I say he, I don't even know who the men were working for, they just said their boss. He knows everything about me and he's going to watch me, but he wants me to live. They told me he is a good person, he approves of my helping people, of this double life, of everything. They told me I owe him my life. They disabled me so I never forget. And they told me I live because he lets me, and I must never forget.
I will never forget. They will watch me for the rest of my life. They will watch me as I tear them down, they will watch me as I make them pay for everything they have done, and they will watch me as I smile, when they let out their last breath, bleeding out at my feet.
Such anger... He had never thought her capable of imagining it, imagining killing, killing more than one person, smiling while she did it. He saw a side to her in this which he had never seen before. A passionate side, a side which wanted more than justice – a side which sought revenge.
"They will watch me for the rest of my life." So they knew about Sally. They knew she was friends with him, and friends with Alexis. They knew where she lived. He felt terrified for his daughter and momentarily contemplated rushing her back to Castle manor as soon as she got home, but he realised that the power this 'Dragon' had meant if he wanted them dead, they would be dead already. So he must not think of them as a threat.
From the research Kate had done, he was a curious person. His name appeared, or rumours about it. He cared about children, little boys especially. Some said he had even saved a child once, putting himself in danger. No one admitted to working for him but the rumour that he was a good employer was still passed around. Richard read through Kate's list of possibilities again and his eyes settled on a name. A man interested in philanthropy, a man who was working to make factories safer and end child labour, a man who supported mass education and the welfare state... A man who no one would ever believe was a killer.
That was why Richard thought it had to be him. He had no proof, no evidence, just a gut feeling that it would be the one that nothing pointed to, it would be the one with the perfect mask.
Sir William Bracken.
He heard the front door, followed by Kate's and Alexis' voices. They were back. And he had to talk to her. They were smiling, talking... They both stopping in their tracks when they saw his face.
"Alexis," he said quietly. "Could I talk to Lady Beckett alone, please?"
Alexis opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it, brushed Kate's shoulder with her hand, and disappeared upstairs. Kate looked at Richard questioningly.
"Don't you want to know what happened?"
"I can see from your faces it turned out alright. I..." He knew exactly what he wanted to ask. He wanted to drop to his knees in front of her, tears in his eyes, and ask 'Why didn't you tell me?'. And then he wanted to ask why she had told him now. Instead he just looked at her, trying desperately to work her out, trying to see her, trying to see under her mask, beyond her walls, past the shields...
"What is it, Castle?" Kate asked, exasperated. She wanted to talk to him about Sally, about what had happened that morning, and he had just sent his daughter away, presumably because he wanted to talk about something which she really was not in the mood to talk about.
"I... I had no idea," he said weakly.
Kate realised what he was talking about. "Pandora's box," she said quietly. "You weren't supposed to have any idea. I'm sorry I gave that to you."
"Don't be sorry," he said, instinctively stepping forward and taking her gloved hand. She gently pulled away.
"I am," she said softly. "I didn't realise it would... you're hurt."
Richard couldn't help it, no matter how sad he was for her, he was angry now. How could she not see? How could she not have realised it would affect him emotionally? How could she not know that everything about her, every sad look that crossed her face, every tiny amount of pain she had ever suffered, ripped through his heart and drove him crazy.
"How could you not realise?" he asked, trying not to show her how angry he was. Kate looked up at him and felt like an idiot. But still she was pretending.
"I... bad things happen to people. They're not happening to me now. There's nothing you can do, you didn't know me then. You know me now and you're helping. You don't have to worry about anything else."
"Don't have to worry... what happened to you? You said they hurt you, you wrote it down! And then instead of talking to me, instead of letting me in, you show me these papers so you don't have to see my face..." he brought his arms up and down, shouting at her as he tried to make her understand, his eyes prickling with tears. "You didn't want to see my face, to talk to me about this, to admit that there's something between us, to show any weakness... You didn't want to tell me because you wanted to seem strong but I see through you, Kate Beckett! I see through this. This wall, this mask that you wear. I see through it. You won't let me touch what's behind there, you don't want to let me in, but I see you, Kate, and I am not going to stop looking until you admit to it all and you let me help you."
"Do you know what you're asking me to do?" Kate shouted back. "You know I care about you. But that's not enough. You want me to reopen all my old wounds, pour my life for you to explore and play in! Did you ever think that this might be more complicated? That I might not want to share this with you? Why do you even want to see that part of me?"
"Because... Because I love-"
"No. Don't you dare say that, Castle."
"Why not? Why shouldn't I? It's true. I love you, and I think it's a long time since anyone has ever said that to you, and I think you need to hear it."
Kate didn't say anything. She was so ready to shout, to scream at him, to run out of his house, to tell him she never wanted to see him again... Instead she bit her lip and tried not to cry. Her face calmed him instantly; in a second he was in front of her with his hands on her shoulders.
"I just... I don't know... What do you want, Kate?" he asked.
Kate looked up at him, catching his eyes with hers, forcing herself to let him cut into her soul.
"You," she whispered. "I just want you."
She reached up to touch him but he pushed her away.
"You don't know what you want," he told her, turning away. "You can show yourself out."
He had said no. Again. He had said no. He was so strong. Kate had never wanted him more. He was the only man who had ever said no, the only man she had ever wanted this way, the only man she had ever felt this way about.
She left his house. It had started to rain; it was the middle of the day but the streets were dark and almost empty. The only people she shared them with rushed past with black umbrellas, hurrying to get out of the downpour. She looked up at the sky, letting the heavy drops hit her face and wondered what the hell she was doing. This couldn't be it. It couldn't be over. She had to see him again. She needed him, she needed his help, but more than that, more than getting justice, more than worrying about Sally, more than caring about any other person in the world, she needed him for her-
She was standing in the rain, crying, looking so desolate, and he just had to. There was no alternative. It was what he needed, it was what she needed, it was a mess, a beautiful, disastrous mess, but there was nothing else to do but grab her from behind and kiss her for all he was worth.
Richard didn't need to say anything. Kate didn't either. Relief flooded through her as her body melted against his, as he pulled her back to the house and up the stairs... Kate knew it was bigger than this. He was going to give in to her, he was going to expose himself, put himself on the line... And she was not going to let him down. She might not be able to say it, but she... she was committed to this. She would not hurt him. She could never hurt him.
A/N: So the next chapter is... what a lot of you have been asking for. IF I feel loved. lol. I am so demanding. Review!
