6 DAYS LATER
Chuck and Sarah drove home from the hospital in silence. When they arrived they both hopped out of the car and Chuck offered to get the hospital bag. Sarah walked up to the apartment and unlocked the door before opening it and stepping into the familiar house. She set her keys down and walked down the hallway toward her and Chuck's bedroom. She slowly came to a stop as she looked into the entry way of the unfinished nursery remembering how different their lives were just a few weeks ago.
Sarah and Chuck were sitting in the nursery going through all the gifts they received from the baby shower.
"Hey, Ellie sent this one." Chuck said as he grabbed the knife to open the package, "What the crap is this?"
Sarah turned her head towards Chuck and started laughing while Chuck opened the box and took out the contents inside. He twisted it around, sniffed it and proceeded to put it over his eyes all while Sarah continued laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" Chuck said, "What is it! What am I holding?"
"It's a breast pump, Chuck." Sarah replied, "So I can store milk so I'm not a walking milk machine."
"Wait so you place it there!?" Chuck said as he pointed at Sarah's chest.
"No Chuck I place it on my ears." Sarah said sarcastically
"Hey, no need to be rude, you don't know every machine I have, remember that one time when you-
"DO NOT REPEAT THAT, YOU SWORE NEVER TO REPEAT THAT! Now keep folding those baby clothes." Sarah yelled at him
Chuck quickly placed the breast pump down and turned to the box full of baby clothes.
"I don't understand why babies need so many clothes! I mean you don't even have this many clothes, and that's saying something!" Chuck blurted out
"Okay, Chuck, you're losing brownie points real fast over there. I recommend you shut your mouth before I make you sleep on the couch." Sarah said in an angry tone
"Oh honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I was just kidding around, please forgive me." Chuck said with puppy dog eyes and his bottom lip drooped
"Chuck you're fine, I'm not mad." Sarah said
"Ellie got ANOTHER dress for us!" Chuck yelled as he tossed the dress at Sarah
"Hey at least this is only the second one covered in glitter." Sarah replied as she put it into a different box
"She is so insistent that we are gonna have a girl NOT a boy. Even though she has seen the ultrasound pictures!" Chuck replied in an annoyed voice
"Chuck it's okay, we may have a girl sometime." Sarah replied calmly
"Your mom says she thinks we're going to have 7 boys." Chuck stated
Sarah dropped the package she was holding and fell to her knees and started to cough. Chuck quickly got up and ran to her side.
"Honey, what's wrong." Chuck asked
"SEVEN BOYS!" Sarah yelled "I can't handle seven kids; let alone seven BOYS!"
"Sarah, I know, I can barely handle Clara, let's just start with the one kid for now." Chuck said as he helped her up and continued folding.
"Sarah look at this one!" Chuck stated with excitement
Sarah turned around to see Chuck holding a small white onesie with the phrase "snuggle this muggle" on it.
"You're such a nerd!" Sarah stated as she threw a lime green burp cloth at him.
"Yah, but I'm your nerd." Chuck said as he kissed Sarah.
He pulled Sarah close and held onto her waist as he continued to kiss her.
"How long do we have until your meeting?" Chuck whispered in her ear
"30 minutes." Sarah seductively replied
"Perfect." Chuck smiled as he picked her up.
That night, their lives changed forever.
-
Sarah slowly entered the nursery and walked toward the far wall where the crib stood. She brushed her hand across the blanket that lay across the front rail.
Sarah reached down inside the crib ignoring the pain in her stomach as it hit the side. She grabbed the little blue bear that leaned up against a corner. Her mother had made it for her when they had found out they were having a boy. She held it close to her chest as she squeezed her eyes shut to avoid crying. Still holding the bear, she walked over to the closet. She set the bear down on a shelf and ran her hand across the onesies that were hung up. Her hands brushed along colors of blue and gray until she stopped and pulled out a cream colored onesie that Chuck had given her when she told him she was pregnant.
Sarah slid the soft fabric off the tiny hanger. Her eyes glanced over the words that were embroidered into the soft material.
'Always, forever, my mama you'll be'
At this Sarah broke down. She slid her back down the side of the wall until she reached the ground. She cried out for her lost child, the pain in her stomach, and the nasty scar that would eventually form into a painful reminder of her dead son.
Chuck opened the door to the car that led to the backseat. He reached into grab the hospital bag before he suddenly stopped.
"Chuck?" Sarah asked
"Yes?" Chuck responded in a questioning tone
"Why are you installing the carseat? I'm only five months along." Sarah asked
"Well, we bought it today and I felt that I would forget to install it and then you would go into labor in 4 months and then we'd be all happy until we come out to the car and, uh oh, there would be no carseat. Then you would get all mad at me and you would start crying and I would feel bad, and-"
"Ok I get it!" Sarah responded sounding annoyed
"I just don't want to forget." Chuck reassured her and gave her a kiss on the forehead
"I know, it's just the whole thing is just so nerve wrecking." Sarah said as she fell into his embrace
"What part?" Chuck asked
"Everything is so scary and frustrating. It's too much sometimes." Sarah cried
"Here let's go inside and talk about this." Chuck said as he led Sarah inside
Chuck led his wife over to the couch and sat down before her. She rested her head against his chest and cuddled up to him.
"Okay, tell me everything that's bothering you." He uttered
"No, it's a stupid thing to worry about anyways." Sarah replied starting to get up
Chuck gently pulled her back and turned her so she would face him. He then proceeded to rest his forehead against hers and brush some hair out of her face.
"It's not stupid Sarah. Please tell me." Chuck pleaded
"The whole thing is so overwhelming. Going to the doctor and making sure the baby is alright and people asking me all the time how I'm doing. I don't even have all my memories back and people act like I'm all there, but I'm not. I'm not Chuck, and hate pretending to act like it! Everywhere I turn there's a face I don't recognize or something I don't understand. I feel so out of place. The only time I feel safe is when I'm here, but then my mind starts to tell me that the only reason you are here is because of the baby. I'm so afraid I'm gonna wake up one day and you and the baby will be gone and I'll be back to square one. I feel so useless all the time. Plus, once the baby comes what am I supposed to do? I don't have the slightest idea of how to handle a baby. Everywhere I turn there is something new that guarantees my child will be perfect. What if I mess up? What if things go wrong? How can someone like me raise a kid. All I have known are scams and ruthless killing. I can't have a baby! I'm so scared Chuck! Everyone keeps telling me I'm going to be the perfect mother, but how do they know that! How can they be sure? I don't know how to do anything. I can barely change a diaper. How am I supposed to calm it or feed it! Chuck what am I supposed to do? Do I use formula or do I breastfeed? Ellie said either is fine, but everyone else says it's better to go natural cause formula can harm the baby. I can't do this Chuck! Please help!" Sarah pleaded while she sobbed
"Oh, Sarah, come here.'" Chuck said as he opened his arms to her
Sarah went over to Chuck and quietly cried into his chest while Chuck enveloped his arms around her.
"I don't know what to do." Sarah cried
"Just breathe and take it one step at a time. You're not alone in this. I will be by your side every step of the way no matter what. I'm not going to leave you. You can count on me. And you're not going to be the perfect mother, there is no such thing; but, I know you, and I know you will you will be the best mother you can be. I know how much you love your baby and that love will just grow, I promise. I know you, and I know you will do anything for the ones you love, no matter how difficult. Just remember Sarah, there is more than one type of a good mother." Chuck concluded as he kissed her head
"Thank you." Sarah whispered
Chuck' s hand brushed across the carseat. The empty carseat that was supposed to hold his son. Now there was no baby to place in it, and there will never be.
Chuck slowly grabbed the bag and went inside the house to find Sarah in the nursery softly crying. Chuck went and sat by her side and cradled her in his arms. Neither spoke for hours they just sat there staring at the nursery that will forever be empty.
"I don't want a big funeral." Sarah suddenly spoke
"What?" Chuck asked
"I just want me and you. I want a simple headstone and no ceremony. I just want something simple. Please." Sarah responded
"Are you sure?" He questioned
"Yes, I don't want anybody's sympathy. I don't want to hear any 'it'll be okay' or 'he's in a better place.'" Sarah finished
"Okay." Chuck said
Sarah then broke down and started to sob again.
"I just want him here! Why does everything bad always happens to us Chuck?"
"Sarah, it'll be-"
"No! Do not tell me it will be okay! It will never be okay! Don't you understand! I've lost my baby and my ability to have children! All of my happiness is gone! And nothing that you or anybody else says will bring him back! Why did I join the CIA! They took all my happiness away! All the times I was beaten, tortured, and raped has led to me losing my child and my chance to even have anymore! All the injuries I sustained and procedures I've had, they've damaged my body beyond repair. Nothing good has come out of the CIA! Nothing!"
"Not even me?" Chuck quietly asked
"Oh, Chuck I didn't mean it like that." Sarah said as she continued to cry
"I know, but we will get through this together, okay." Chuck said as he took her into his embrace
"Okay." Sarah whispered
"I love you." Chuck said
"I love you too."
