Koopie has been crying for three days without a single break, but now she rests, her wispy hair splayed over a pillow in the living room's couch. She sobs in her sleep from time to time, and when she does, Shelly and I take turns holding her hand and stroking her over her head. The reason we watch her like hawks is because if Doctor Clawdia gets her snout in Koopie's mental state, it won't be long for the latter to end up with a needle in her arm and a sharpie mark on either temple.

I don't know why she's so upset, but I think it has something to do with Jerry, the little Magikoopa who tried to kill himself. What else could it be? It is a stretch, however. If one of the residents choose to end their life, we others side with them. Suicide isn't a tragedy for us; death is always a welcome guest at Freaky Fred's. I've learned so quickly not to be frightened or bereaved, but now it bothers me how a veteran like Koopie can fall apart over a simple case of artery-slashing.

Jerry is fine, though. He lost a lot of blood, but he's slowly recovering at Toad Town Hospital, where he has his own room and can watch the news all day. The poor simpleton, all he wanted was to watch TV. Again, the bothering. It shows how being here reduces us.

Koopie yawns and turns over to her side. I close my eyes for a moment, remembering the worst I've been subjected to by Clawdia.

Last month I was awakened by the evil healer herself before anyone else were up. The night shift wasn't even over. I'm pretty sure why. She made me take a bath, then put a Real World t shirt on me. She took me out of the hospital, but made me hold her hand all the time. When we were out of everybody's sight, I was given a dose of Slumber Sleep. The thing is, however, that Ludwig's antidote has made me resistant to it. Immune. So I pretended to be asleep the entire train trip.

When we finally reached our destination, a large white house made of cement, I was taken by complete strangers to a little room, where I waited. And waited.

When they returned for me, they refused to answer my questions. I was dragged over to Dr. Clawdia, who waited for me in front of a large blue carpet. I recognized the room as a backstage place.

"Are we in the theater?" I asked.

"Sort of," she said coldly. "Follow me, be quiet and stand completely still."

The first thing that greeted me behind that curtain was the light; sharp like a hundred blades they stung me in the eyes. When I adjusted my glasses, I saw Koopas, Toads, and Humans; hundreds of them, sitting in rows. The area is humongous. We're not in a theater; we're in a hangar-like room. Along the walls were booths and banners, with pharmaceutical brand names and slogans. It must be some kind of drug convention, I thought to myself. There was a microphone taped to Clawdia's cheek. I look up at her. If Mama Koopa had been in the audience that would be the time she would have leaned over to Kamek and asked how Clawdia, with all that lipstick, managed not to paint her teeth as well. Kamek would snicker, and King Dad would have been asleep.

Dr. Clawdia must have attributed my mellow expression to her designer drug as well. She pointed to me, her hand open, and turned to the audience.

"Yes, as you can see, after only eight weeks of being administered a low dose of Silentium, the subject is completely meek and calm. At this point I should point out that this subject is one of the most obstinate, violent and impulsive patient I have ever dealt with in my 20 years as a medical doctor. Now look at him. I know that no drug alone can eliminate a mental disease, but thanks to its benign effects…"

She closed her eyes like a monk experiencing nirvana as the press took her picture. "…The true healing can begin."

Gee; I wonder what cheesy Lifetime movie she got that one from. I stared at her; not because I was meek and calm, but because I had finally decided to destroy her. I, scrawny little Iggy Koopa, was going to slay the dragon. I'm still adamant; if I have to sell Lemmy's soul, as his is the only valuable soul in Dark Land, and piss my life away, I'm going to crush Dr. Clawdia like the vermin she is.

This episode did have its ramifications. King Dad was so furious he threatened to sue the entire hospital and Doctor Clawdia personally. Unfortunately that was after pharmaceutical concerns in both the Mushroom World and Real World were all battling for the Silentium formula, so every single one of them lined up in front of Dr. Clawdia and Freaky Fred's. Sometimes I wonder what a world without lawyers would be like.

The winners are Pink Pharmaceuticals, situated in the United States. Ludwig told me so the last time I snuck off to visit Kastle Koopa. The company has made Dr. Clawdia a very wealthy woman. Of course, the millions of dollars she received from the formula alone are nothing compared to what the company will earn on the drug sales.


There's mushroom soup for lunch today. I butter a piece of bread and use it for a spoon when Shelly marches up to me. She sits down, and if looks could kill, I'd be face down in the chowder by now.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"I can't believe you let her make you the poster child for Slumber Sleep. Dickbrain!" she says, and her tone is rather accusatory. It's about the thirteenth time today. Say what you want about Shelly, but her commitment to being a sourpuss is nothing short of astounding.

"Well, you could try to wrap your head around the fact that I didn't really have much of a choice." I chew on the buttered bread. I find it a safe food as it doesn't have much taste. Shelly gives me that kiss of death with her eyes again and I hurl my spoon into the table.

"What is your problem?"

King Dad once explained to me that when girls are upset, they expect boys to understand what's wrong without an explanation; that it's in their nature. Unfortunately for him, Mama Koopa heard him and made him sleep on the couch for days.

Shelly looks sad now. I hope I haven't been too harsh.

"I've been in this hospital for six years, Iggy. Every day these last years I've asked when I can go home. Clawdia says "not yet", but I know on the inside that's her bureaucrat babble meaning that I will never get out of here. I want my mom, Iggy. I want my friends and I want… Booger brains! – to go back to school. My brain is atrophied from being unused. And do you know why she'll never let me go?"

I shake my head.

"Because I was the original poster child for Slumber Sleep. They started the trial on me – assface! That's why I have tics. Koopie? Why she's so angry. If that ever came out..."

I hug Shelly, and I don't let go until a shadow fall over us. It's Koops, holding Koopie's hand. She is red around the eyes from dehydration and crying, and her skin is almost completely white; matching her sallow, dry hair.

"She says she wants to talk to you," he says. He transfers her hand to mine, and Shelly takes the other. We take her unseen to Shelly's room, which is much more lived-in than mine. Drawings on lunch paper, napkins and candy wrappers plaster the walls, and she has her own quilt. It's not as nice as the one I have on my bed at home, but still, it's colorful and nice to look at.

Koopie wipes some clear mucus off her face with the sleeve of her nightshirt. "I wanna see Jerry," she says, heartbroken. But there's something else to her voice. It's guilt.

"And you will. He'll be back here next week." I help clean her snout with some paper towels. But my words don't comfort her. She begins sobbing again.

"He almost died and it's my fault." Koopie's dead eyes leak tears. "I traded him the razorblade. He… He said he wanted to attack Clawdia with it. He lied, but it's still my fault."

"But he didn't die, Koopie." I let her rest her head on my knees as she cries. Kamek does the same for us at home when we're having a bad day.

"I know." She's trembling, so Shelly puts a blanket over her. "But Clawdia found out, and she says that she was gonna see me about it on Friday. And – and I just know she's gonna do something awful to me."

I just know it, too. How could anyone as cruel as Attila the Shrink resist?

We both comfort Koopie, but she's still distraught. "I'm so scared."


Jerry returns to the ward the Friday in question. His mother has given him a big box of Kompeitō, a Japanese type candy, as he is obsessed with everything Japanese. He shares with everybody before steering his chair over to the others. We're sitting quietly, waiting for Koopie to come back from her session.

We wait, and we wait, but Koopie doesn't return. Not for dinner, not for medication time, or TV privileges. The next time we see her, is late in the evening. She's sitting in one of the armchairs with her chin propped up by her knees. She's quiet; not even breathing. She's not crying either.

I fetch Shelly and Koops; the latter being the first of us to try and talk to her.

"Koopie? What's going on?"

She doesn't reply. It's as if she can't hear or see us.

Shelly seems to understand what's going on. She gently moves Koopie's hair away from her face.

"Look. The perversion continues."

There's an X on her temple, made with a black marker. And another on the left side, too.

"What is it?" Koops asks."Is she dead?"

"ECT treatment," Shelly says ominously. "This is awful. Come on, girl…" She tries to shake some life into Koopie.

Out of nowhere Koopie emits a wraithlike, guttural screech. Her face doesn't change as she does it, but still it frightens me. We hear some noises from the nurses' station, and Koops sense danger, so he lifts Koopie into his arms and takes her to her room.

I sigh and sit down in the now empty armchair.

"I apologize if you feel I've been sitting on the fence," I say to Shelly. "But I didn't believe you at first. None of us can get used to this place. It's impossible."

"Are you gonna help us, Iggy?" Shelly smiles and the expression borderlines on evil. I don't mind this change at all…

"I will. That's a promise."

Ludwig is the oldest one of us, and as such, he knows everything about the mind and body. There must be a scientific explanation as to why I care about Shelly so much. I'm nervous as she kisses me on the nose. I can feel that it's from gratitude, but it still makes me feel very funny. Shelly's my best friend. Like Lemmy, but very different. I'll do like King Dad did for Mama and give Shelly a diamond ring one day. I'm sure I have enough in my piggy bank for it. But only after Ludwig performs all the necessary tests on us. I know that Shelly would also hate to burden the world with non-superior offspring.

I kiss her back. For some reason this makes it easier to plot revenge.