IV
Numb
April2022
I gasp as we land in the dining room: side along apparition is never much fun.
"Vivian!" my mother screams, running over and gathering me in her arms.
"Iris," my father's tone is warning and my mother immediately let go of me. "Sit down." I don't dare refuse his order so I take a seat at the dining table, my mother sits down next to me and Zabini and my father sit opposite. "So, I assume that you are here because you have agreed to my conditions?"
"Only the first was does she have a problem with, as you anticipated." Zabini's eyes gleam in the dull light from the fire.
"Did you bring what I requested," a humourless smile flickers across my father's face.
"Of course," Zabini reaches into his cloak and pulls out a tiny glass vial. As he shows it to my father, my mother lets out a whimper.
"Would you be so kind as to get my daughter a glass of water," Zabini disappears into the kitchen and returns moments later with a glass of water in his hands, the vial has disappeared. I look at it suspiciously. He places the glass before me and then returns to his seat. "Have a drink, Vivian." Never have I wanted a drink less, I do not trust either my father or Zabini in the slightest and I am positive that whatever is in that glass, it is not just water.
"I'm not thirsty," I mutter in vain, I know it will be no use: they will make me drink it, whatever it is.
"Vivian, my dear," my father leans across the table, his voice void of affection. "I said, have a drink." I have no choice, I lift the glass to my lips and take a sip. It tastes and smells just like water. "And another one, Vivian." I sigh and finish the glass in one swing. "Very good."
Beside me my mother has her head on her arms, whimpering noises escape her as I drink. My father ignores her entirely.
"Now, Vivian," he smiles at me again. "Who is the father of your unborn child?" I know at once what I have just drunken and I am powerless against it. There is an antidote but I do not carry it on me, I am powerless to resist.
"Albus Severus Potter." Veritaserum: the truth telling potion. Illegal without Ministry consent but that would never have stopped my father.
I look up when my father does not respond. He is staring at me in shock, I suppose he did not expect my reply. Even my mother ceases her whimpering and looks up.
"Potter? Albus Potter?" she stutters.
"Yes." My father still says nothing, Zabini is watching him – as if ready to hold him back should he explode again. I sigh, I wonder what on earth he is going to do now that he knows.
"Potter," he hisses. Oh Merlin, he is not impressed. "Potter," he hisses again.
"Albus Potter," I cannot help myself, I don't know if it is the Veritaserum or just me. Suddenly, my father gets up and disapparates. Zabini frowns and my mother looks worried: neither have a clue where he might have gone nor do they have anyway of finding out. After an awkward silence, I decide that there is no point in me hanging around. "Excuse me, I think I'm going to go to bed now," Zabini nods absentmindedly and mother looks at the clock.
"Three o'clock!" she gasps in alarm, doesn't time travel fast when you're having fun.
"Mrs Nott, if you don't mind, I think I will go home. Let me know of any further developments." Zabini too stands up and disapparates. Mother shoos me up the stairs in front of her.
"Good night, Vivian, we will talk more in the morning." I strip off my emerald dress and hang it in the closet (it will need some serious skill to decrease it) and remove the last remaining pins from my hair. Crashing onto the bed I toss and turn; the pain of my father's remarks – filthy harlot and a common whore – echo around my head and my face burns with shame. What have I done?
The next two days pass in a trance like state, my father has not returned and my mother just sits in the kitchen drinking cup after cup of tea (which I am sure has a hint of firewhiskey in it). I have resorted to wandering aimlessly through the many rooms of our house thinking of nothing in particular. I have managed to resist my burning desire to run back into James' arms but that does not mean I do not think of him when I lie wake at night. If James had not been Albus' brother then perhaps I would not have fought so hard against my emotions but he is and as such, there is no future for us.
Albus Severus Potter: archenemy of my best friend, brother of the boy I love and father of my unborn child.
Albus Severus Potter: the boy who hates me.
"Vivian?" my mother calls weakly up the stairs.
"Yes?" I walk into the hallway to hear her.
"Have you packed your trunk?"
"Yes," I lie (the Veritaserum wore of after the first night). Wandering back into my room, I begin to mechanically pack my trunk for Hogwarts, this will be my last term there and I feel sad at the thought. I may not have always enjoyed school but it was a huge part of my life and it will be weird not having it there anymore, it was practically a second home.
The following day at eleven o'clock, finds me standing in the fog on Platform 9¾ watching the crowd of families rush past. I have a sudden image of myself, in eleven years from now, hastily kissing a child goodbye and shooing them onto the train. With all that has happened I have never really thought about what it will be like actually having a child. Absentmindedly, my hand creeps to my stomach; it seems utterly amazing that there is a human child growing inside me. The train toots and at last I climb aboard. There is no one here to see me off, my father has still not returned and my mother claims she has a headache.
Emotions have become too hard to deal with so I have simply shut them out. I feel nothing anymore, no sadness, no pain, nothing. I walk slowly up the emptying corridor, past compartments full of chattering students, I do not stop, just keep walking until I reach the front of the train. When I get there, I turn around and walk back. I don't know what I'm doing, I just feel numb.
After a few hours of wandering, I settle myself in one of the toilets. Ignoring the banging on the door of students wishing to use the loo, I change into my school robes. I remain there for the rest of the journey until I can feel the train pull up at Hogsmeade station. Merging into the throng of students taking carriages up to the castle, I find myself beside some rather intimidated third years. I hardly notice them but one in particular seems to be looking at me. I turn to glare at her and find myself looking into the eyes of Lily Potter. Her eyes are so like James' it sends a pang through my numbed body. I look away quickly, I cannot afford to feel anything for James Potter.
As I come into the Entrance Hall, Zabini approaches me.
"Miss Nott, how was your holiday?" he asks politely, steering us away from the crowd. I don't bother to reply as I know he is not really interested, besides he already knows most of what happened. "Have you heard from your father?" he asks once we are out of earshot.
"No, he still hasn't come home."
"Right, okay, well…" Zabini does not really look concerned, in fact Zabini never really looks anything.
"My mother is not doing so well," I inform him to fill the silence.
"Oh, dear," he says blandly. "Look, have you told anyone about your condition?" I shake my head. "No one? Not even Potter?"
"Potter? Why on earth would I tell him?"
"He is the father," oh, that Potter. No, I haven't told any of the Potters, neither do I plan too. The sooner I leave this school the better. "Right, well for now I think it best you leave it that way." I nod and then turn to go, he does not stop me.
"Hey, Viv," someone calls. "Oi Vivian!" she shouts when I don't react, I turn around slowly to see Violet coming towards me. "You alright?" She does not even bother to wait for an answer. "What did Zabini want?"
"To see how my holiday was," it was partly true. She looks crest fallen as if she had been expecting something juicy.
"Oh," she looks as though she might turn away but then she remembers something. "Oh, Viv, I forgot to ask you, I saw you dancing with that Potter kid at the Ministry, I thought you said there was nothing going on between you and the Potters." Oh, Vi, if only you knew.
"There isn't." My voice is cold and she can tell she is not going to get anything out of me so she leaves me alone. I'm not hungry and have no desire to sit through the Headmaster's speeches so I make my way down to the common room and my dormitory.
A couple of house-elves scamper from the room as I come in and throw myself on the bed: this is going to be a long term. A 'crack' alerts me to the return of one of the house-elves.
"I'm ever so sorry, Mistress Nott but Master Potter bade me give you this," the elf sunk into a bow at my bedside, holding out a letter. I grudgingly take it and he vanishes again.
Astronomy Tower, midnight.
Is all the letter reads, oh James, why do you have to make it so hard? I roll over and try to fall back to sleep, it comes to be in bursts but when midnight arrives, I am awake. Crack. I jump up, terrified my father has at last come to kill me but I cannot see anything in the darkness. None of my roommates appear to have been woken up and I almost settle back down again when someone tugs at my sleeve.
"Mistress Nott, Master Potter sent me to get you," it is only the house-elf from earlier, I breathe out in relief.
"Well tell Master Potter that he has no business with me in the middle of the night…" the house-elf doesn't seem to be listening.
"I'm begging your pardon Mistress Nott but-" he grabs my sleeve again and I feel a tugging sensation in my stomach. Seconds later I find myself on top of the astronomy tower.
"What the-"
"Viv, I'm sorry, I had to see you," James gathers me in his arms. I can't help it: the hurt and confusion that I shut out come flooding back in and I burst into tears. James must think I am insane, crying whenever he is trying to be nice. "Viv… Viv… Viv…" he whispers into my hair. He is so comforting, so gentle, so perfect. He kisses my hair, my forehead, my nose, my lips… Oh Merlin.
The kiss is so perfect, so completely void of bitterness or regret. I loose myself in it, letting it deepen until I forget where I am. In the back of my mind, someone screams at me how wrong this is but I don't listen. The summer breeze, warm for so far North, catches at my robes; his hands entwine themselves in my hair as I press closer to him. Oh James…
