Warning: This chapter contains explicit sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.
CHAPTER 5: STORY OF THE PAST
After defeating the blood thirsty monster, Harry and Hermione decided to move further deep into the forest in hope of avoiding another encounter with 'them' and find a place to spend the night without having to fear those monster coming after them. Harry finally decided to rest at an area next to a spring.
"This area is good. One side faces the spring, one faces empty land and the other two face woodlands. It's easy to observe." - He said, started setting up the tents with Hermione's help - "Luckily there are two Muggle makeshift tents in the horse saddle."
"That was my gift to Arthur...without Ron's consent of course. I told him some day it might come in handy. It just never occurred to me that someday would be...this day.." - Hermione whispered, hint of pain in her voice.
Harry nodded. Not really surprised. That was so Hermione-ish to prepare anything beforehand and thanked to that, they didn't have to spend a night under the chilled breeze of night forest.
When they were done with the tent, Harry went to the river bank, pulled out his wand and said aloud "capere pisces", a fish-calling spell that made several fish jumped out of the spring and landed under his feet. Harry next waved his wand to stop the spell and bent down to gather the fish. While he was gutting, scaling and grilling the fish on fire, Hermione used her bare hands to dig a hole around size of a small pot, then used her water-proof leather jacket to cover the hole bottom. She then took water from the spring, poured it in the hole centre and placed in some hot rocks heated up by the campfire.
"Well, this can help boil and purify the water. Harry, make sure your fish is grilled properly. We aren't sure if this disease is spread through food or water..." - she reminded to which he agreed.
...
Shortly after the two had finished their dinner and started cleaning up, Harry said:
"It's late. Hermione, you should take a bath and go to sleep!" - He suggested while digging a hole to bury the fish bones.
"It's all right, no need for bath; it's dangerous to go near a spring or river at night. But I'll ... wash my face though." - She said then walked to the spring and soaked wet her tiny handkerchief to wipe away all blood traces on her face and arms before rinsing it clean again.
Harry jerked his head to look at her as she walked back, taking one hand to wipe a sweat on his forehead - "Go to slee-"
He couldn't finish his sentence as she suddenly got down beside him, keeping Harry's face still on her hand while the other apply her handkerchief on him - "Your face...got blood..." - she whispered. For a brief moment there, it seemed like he couldn't escape from the depth of her eyes; the once sweet cinnamon brown now looked pained and withered. Harry felt as if he could just throw away everything to hold her in his arms, soothingly assuring her that everything would be okay and that...and...
"I can do that on my own!" - He stopped and took the handkerchief from her hands with all his willpower. She looked a little bit startled but didn't object either, instead she just silently walked away to sit by the campfire in front of the tent.
"Hermione..."
"Don't, Harry! Just let me be...Don't ask me to go to sleep...again." - Her tone was half begging, half sounding distant.
Harry stuffed the handkerchief into his pocket then also walked to sit beside her in silence. None of them made any attempt to converse with one another, each seemed to lost in their own thoughts. Almost ten minutes passed by before Hermione raised her voice.
"How could you - you overcome that feeling...I - I mean... it's..."
"...Nobody wants to lose both their parents and loved ones in a day, Hermione... It's just that sometimes life doesn't give a damn about your wish and certain things are bound to happen whether you like it or not. I know that feeling, Hermione, that broken feeling of being afraid to close my eyes and get tormented in dreams, repeatedly facing the pain of my failures night after night... You know what, I have never told you this...but the truth is I'm still haunted by the nightmares of that war and those who had fallen...my parents, Sirius, Dumbledore, Moody, Lupin, Tonks, Fred..."
"You still do...?"- She choked on her words.
"Uhm..." - Harry squinted as if he was trying to suppress those feelings in his heart - "...I'm neither a psychologist nor anyone with super ability to calm people down; and the only thing I could do at the moment is to stay by your side through this difficult time. Remember, Hermione, no matter what happens, I'll always be there for you." - His fingers found their way to hers, latching and slightly squeezing them.
She mouthed a soft 'thank' then forced a wry smile at him. Harry's brow twitched, not really what he was expecting but well...at least he managed to find her smile back. Her hand absent-mindedly caressing and scratching some dried blood off a cut on his hand. She furrowed her brows in her usual Hermione-ish manner.
"Harry... you've never told me in details how you managed to get out of the hospital with all those Soldiers and monster chasing right behind your back, wands pointing and teeth baring readily at you. Surely you couldn't have killed all of them." - Hermione suddenly changed the subject, her curious eyes were staring at him.
"Ah... that...er...uhm that was...well... uh..." - Harry gulped, looked as if he had just seen a ghost - "It's late, Hermione. You should go to sleep."
He stood up hastily, forgetting that his hand was still latching with hers. So she did the obvious and pulled him back down.
"Harry!" - She warned.
"Oh...okay then..." - He sighed, knowing he was fighting a losing battle when she used that bossy tone - "... but promise me, Hermione, that no matter what I'm about to say, you must stay calm."
She nodded and so he started his story - "...I - I...after I had killed Muller... I happened to find a layout of the hospital in that storeroom. Apart from the two main entrances at the front and back of the building, there was a small gate used for medical waste disposal purpose..."
"That was smart, Harry." - She exclaimed - "The Soldiers probably didn't notice that small exit."
"There was one problem though..." - he paused - "...when I came - came out of the building, there were a few of 'them' standing nearby the exit leading out to the road. So I - I took the body - body parts from the medical waste dump... uhm... you know...hands, feet, intestines or necrosis tissues that were taken out of the bodies - human bodies.. and... uhm... I - I - I..." - he buried his face in his hands, looking for the right word - "... I... fed 'them' with those to buy enough time for me to escape... as for the rest, you already knew..."
She fell silent, staring at him with an indescribable gaze. Suffocating? Examining? Or disappointing? And even though Harry couldn't put his finger on what that was; he had the impulse to turn his back away and try to avoid her eyes. His hands absent-mindedly pulled some grass out the ground.
"I keep thinking about it, Hermione...about Muller, about the first victims, about the people I'd encountered on the way back to the Burrow... Were they alive or dead? If they were alive, does it mean I'm a murderer? But if they were truly dead and revived as God's will, does it mean I took away their second chance of living...? Then I thought about the thing that is controlling them, disease, virus, bacteria, whatever... and what if there were a cure? Those people never got the chance to... Hermione… I - I…"
"There's no cure, Harry..." - She said quietly.
"Not today, but maybe tomorrow, Hermione..." - Harry choked on his own words - "After all this, after you've seen what I did and heard what I have to say, do you - do you despise me? Because... I do. I feel sick of myself." - his voice came out barely audible.
"Harry..."
"Back then...I guess I really wanted to see you..."
"Harry..."
"... And probably because I didn't want to die so I resorted to the most despicable method… sacrificing people's lives for my own good. What's worse? I'm using that as an excuse to defend for myself, Hermione... and I call myself an Auror? Can you believe it? An A-u-r-o-r." - he smirked, looking at the small pile of grass at his feet - "I even let you down.. twice..." - Harry mumbled the last few words, Ron's dying images once again was flashing through his mind and guilt started flooding in his heart.
"Harry! Harry! Harry!" - She said out loud; her voice sounding frustrated. Hermione used her hands to turn his head back, cupping his face and forcing him to look straight into her eyes - "You'd better listen carefully because I only say this once. You-did-not-do-anything-wrong. That was legitimate self-defense when your life was threatened. If that had been an ordinary circumstance, you were to take the responsibility but not now, not this time Harry. Because if you had spared their lives, they would go on killing more innocent people and spreading the disease to communities. Now that, Harry, is what I'd despise. In addition, I don't know about tomorrow... but at least right now, as a physician I can tell you that there has been no record of a similar disease in the medical history nor any evidence that a cure is on its way of development. How dare you, Harry? How dare you doubt my loyalty and worse...doubting yourself? ! Don't you ever forget, Harry...I'd never loathe you nor leave you for that or whatever the matter. So I'm asking you the same favor, Harry: Please treat yourself in a similar manner."
She pleaded in a low voice but Harry seemed hesitated to reply. He sat there in silence, lost deep in his thought for a while before he finally pulled out of Hermione's grip. Quickly, he pushed her back to the tent and stood in front of the door, blocking her way out.
"Sleep! And no 'buts' this time. I'll take watch."
"...Okay. But wake me up later, I'll take turn - "
"Sleep!" - He ordered, and she seemed to realize that he wasn't up for discussion anymore. So she lay down trying to coax a dream that he knew she would definitely not welcome at all.
-o-
Crackle. Crackle.
Harry stared silently at the fire's dancing shadow on the tent door. The wind was singing that sweet old lullaby, threading her sad tune through every branch and leaf of the forest trees. Silver moonlight basking on the the spring surface, forming a soft sparking silk sari that embraced and joined Mother Nature in her nightly melody.
The Nature was so beautiful, so vibrant that even Harry wondered why he was so depressed and felt lost as if this was already a different world. He couldn't enjoy the scenery because there were so many - many things on his mind. He was worried and feared for her life, his life as well as those of their friends' and families' and the million innocents' out there; all the while, reminded himself that he needed to stand strong more than ever and breaking down was just not an option at the moment, not anymore. He had to be tough and in order to do that, he must resort to the most despicable and disgraced way to survive… he must eliminate all threats...he must kill to survive.
He sighed , looking back at the tent.
She said she didn't hate him and warned him not to ever doubt her loyalty.
A small bitter laugh escaped his lips.
She was just as stubborn as that night...
Just as that night...
He dropped the wild dandelion in his hands and let it swing itself in the wind. He leaned his back to the tree stump, watching the wind carried the flower seeds to a far far away land while time seemed to be slowing down, bringing Harry back to the distant memory of five years ago. A forgotten one that was supposed to be buried deep in his heart and would never be brought up to the surface if not for this situation.
.
.
.
"I get it. You choose him."
"No! Ron! It's not like that. Don't go, Ron! Don't leave!"
Harry stood dumbfounded not understand why in just a moment, the golden trio of Gryffindor and all he ever knew about the unbreakable bond of their friendship suddenly melted away, rumbled and crushed beneath his feet. One of his friend was leaving - more like abandoning him while the other one was crying her heart out for said friend. Was it his fault? He gripped the locket on his neck tightly. Was-it-his-fault? Yes...No, it wasn't but it - it definitely was... how could...no - no !
Harry scratched his head, pulling his hair out uncontrollably as he couldn't control the anger rising in his heart, burning him alive. He had never felt this bad, this - this mad and frustrated. He was angry with everything, but first and foremost, he was angry at himself. Harry reached for a lantern at the side and violently threw it down to the ground...shattering...As if it wasn't enough, he continued his rampage and overturned the table next to him, tossing away what were lying on its top as well as kicking the chairs into a corner. His eyes burning red, looking at his brown hair friend who was kneeling on the ground, whimpering. For Merlin's sake, he hated girls who cried. He hated tears. And he also hated the reason that she was crying for.
"What are you crying for?" - He continued without waiting for her answer - "Are you scared? Or are you missing him already? Why are you still sitting here then? Why haven't you gone after him?"
"Harry..." she jerked up at him, startled.
"I've hit on a sore spot, haven't I? What's the point of staying here anyway? It's useless. Go back! Just go back to him and build your home together. No need to stay here and suffer with me." - He was almost screaming at her.
"Harry..." - Tears sparkling in her eyes.
"Look! Why are you still sitting here? Need me to pack your things? I'm fine without the both of you. Just go! Find your parents , find your boyfriend, find a warm bed and a home with redhead kids running around. Don't bother about me! It wasn't as if I had asked you two to go with me anyway. You were the one following me. It was you who insisted on coming along despite my warning."
"Harry!" - She growled -"Don't-Ever-Doubt-My-Loyalty!" - Hermione hissed through her teeth, standing up, eyes leveling at his.
"Loyalty? Pfff….Give me a break! Loyalty isn't edible and you can't survive with it. Wait until you run into troubles and danger and see what loyalty can do...Don't you see you're risking your life for as long as you're staying by my side?" - Harry smirked, challenging her determining attitude.
"I'm not afraid!" - She replied firmly, something sparkling in her eyes.
"Voldemort isn't the only one dangerous here. I-am-too. Who knows what I would do at times like this? When things got so frenzy and crazy all at once...As long as I'm wearing this, I'm a threat no less than that Dark Lord." - He stepped close to her, dangling the Slytherin locket in front of her eyes.
"I'm not afraid!" - She repeated again, seemingly not affected by his outrageous attitude.
"Fine! I'll make sure you regret - " - He didn't finish his sentence for he had crushed to her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her hungrily like a savaged beast. His hands slipped around the back of her neck then over to her shoulder and ripped open her shirt to the sides sending buttons flying all over places. Hermione-did-not-push-me-away. He didn't stop, his hands roaming, groping her body, lips crashing, tongue pressing deeper into her mouth. She-just-stood-still-and-let-me-do-whatever-I-want ed. Odd. He felt a dull throb in his heart. He would be scared of her reaction if she resisted and fought back, but he would be more damned scared if she didn't. Harry pulled away from her with all willpower, he was now feeling extremely ashamed and embarrassed... He couldn't dare to look her in the eyes, didn't dare to look at the swollen lips and wild disarrayed hair as realization of what he had done dawned on him.
He covered his mouth, his heart sank to the bottom pit and quickly he ran out of the tent to let the winter chilled air embrace him, cooled his head down. Bastard! Bastard! He vented out all his anger and frustration by continuously punching and kicking the tree in front of him, so hard that barks were peeling off the tree and biting into his skin. Then he bit his bottom lip, hands holding his head and sinking onto the ground, couldn't suppress his tears from rolling down.
...
Long long after that, when the moon had risen high and almost clouded in the pitch dark sky, Harry gathered all his courage and started finding his way back to the tent. Harry was so sure that by now, she would have been gone already. Just like Ron, she would leave him, she would abandon him, break off all ties with him and no longer care about him... The thought lingered briefly in his mind for a few seconds but was long enough to make him place a hand on his chest, feeling a dull throb aching deep within his heart even though Harry himself didn't understand why.
As he walked into the tent, he was pretty surprised to find her slender figure silently sitting there, curling up into a ball and waiting for him to get back. Disarrayed hair obscured half of her face and things around her were just as messy as when he had walked out of there. She didn't even bother to put on another shirt to replace for the one he had ripped earlier. Suddenly Harry felt a surge of relief washing over him...he must have got some mental problem then. Taking in that sight and felt relief? Really? But Harry knew deep down he was glad because she chose to stay back, even after all the despicable things he had done to her, she chose to stay back for him.
Harry walked up to her, his footsteps were as light as feathers for he feared that should he ever cause any loud noise, she would forever disappeared in the mist. When he couldn't come any closer, Harry stopped and kneeled down on his knees beside her. He took off his jacket and gently put it on her bare shoulders, waiting for what seemed like forever before he could mutter a few words...
"...sorry..."
She didn't respond to his apology. Her eyes remained as motionless as those of a broken doll's. His heart was beating frantically at the sight.
"...I'm sorry, Hermione. I didn't mean to..."
He had never felt this miserable in his life, looking at her face to face yet not knowing what to say. He wanted to blame what had happened on the locket he was wearing on his neck; but he knew all too well that the locket only projected his fear and intensified it in a twisted way. Harry knew he couldn't afford to lose Hermione, didn't want to lose her. The fear of losing her was so real that it had forced him to surrender, to succumb and for a brief moment there, selling his soul to the devil, acting foolishly to keep her by his side and claiming her his in the most brutal way. Thankfully he didn't go any further than that, didn't commit any more serious mistake than that, and now he would act like a man, would not use any circumstance to excuse and justify his actions.
"I know you're mad at me, and you probably don't ever want to see my face again. But there's this one thing you need to know, Hermione, you do... because you deserve the truth. You're really important to me, more than anyone else out there and I'd rather the one getting hurt was me, not you. But in a moment of my outburst, I was weak and I hurt you... I said what shouldn't have been said and did what shouldn't have been done. Nothing I do could make up for that terrible mistake, and I don't care if it takes me a lifetime to mend our friendship, to right my wrong, I'm willing to do so. All I'm asking you, Hermione, is not to leave me right now. I need you."
Harry placed a soft kiss on her forehead, trembling.
"I really need you."
Only then did Harry saw a flicker of emotion in her cold eyes. She mouthed softly:
"Kiss me!"
Harry sat still for a few minutes, wasn't sure what that was. Could it be that his frosted mind was playing a trick on him. Did he hear it right at all?
"Hold me! Kiss me! Love me!"
She repeated. And this time Harry didn't wait to find any excuse, he thoroughly obeyed her. He couldn't understand why, and even years later when he looked back at this, he still didn't understand why he did what he did at the moment. Ron had just left, yet he immediately wanted to get into the pants of his best friend's girlfriend who also happened to be his other best friend. But then again, he ignored the voice of conscience in his mind, this was no time for rational thought and what was right or wrong. He just knew that he needed her, and from the look of her eyes, he knew that she needed him too.
Harry carried her bridal style all the way to his bed and put her down gently. Then he joined her there, bending down to shower a rain of kisses over Hermione's forehead, nose, cheeks, jaw and down to her throat. His hands slid down the jacket he put on her earlier, revealing the white color of the small fabric she was wearing underneath.
He hesitated suddenly...
"Are you... sure?"
"Never been surer." She replied, pulling his head down while arching up to crash her lips on his, her hands removing his glasses and dropped them down to the ground. The blurry vision didn't affect that much on his feeling right now as he could savor the taste of her lips on his own, they were soft and sweet and none too soon, they quickly became an addictive drug to him. How could he have hurt those fragile lips just a while ago? The anguish feeling was soon forgotten when he found out she had unbuttoned his shirt all the way down and was now trying to take it off him which he gladly obliged.
She then slightly lifted her back so that Harry could slide his hands under and undo the hook of her bra...but again, it was almost a mission impossible as he absolutely had no idea how to unhook the girl's thing and was struggling for a while before he could manage to do it. Gleam of victory flickered in his eyes earning a giggle on her beautiful lips which consequently led to a wide grin on his face. Then Harry focused all his attention on her breasts. They weren't neither large nor small, they just fit nicely in his palms like two pieces of puzzle. Harry captured one of her rosy perk in his mouth while he cupped and massaged the breast equally before switching side. Hermione, meanwhile, was running a tickling hand along his collarbone down to his pants. She paused for a moment before boldly touching the bulge of his causing an electric shock coursing through his entire being as he felt himself getting harder with each and every stroke of her.
Damn!
He stood up, slid off his jeans and boxer to return to his bare self. It seemed like she was holding her breath and took a long look at him...or perhaps at the crimson boxer with a flying golden Snitch pattern on it... or...well, she sure was looking at him as her eyes were clouded with lust and admiration the moment she laid eyes on his manhood which made him feel both embarrassed and proud at the same time. Not to be outdone, he drew closer and started undo the zipper of her jeans. He definitely was talking time with the tiny zippers as if to gouge Hermione's reaction. When he was sure she wouldn't hex him into oblivion, he exhaled a breath and slipped the jeans out of her smooth silky legs. Harry felt his heart accelerating as he stared at the white tiny triangle piece of fabric on her body. The last one standing between them. Just this one more piece and they would cross the friendship line, never to go back to normal again.
"Don't … Harry..." - she grabbed his hands. He was paralyzed - "...Stop..."
Harry thought he had turned into a statue, because honestly what would he possibly do in this situation when Hermione suddenly requesting him to stop what they were doing. Yes, he was still uncertain about that just a few seconds ago...but then again...he looked down there and found himself in a pretty difficult case. It was hard. He thought then cursed himself inwardly, that was a bad pun, Potter. Harry stammered, his eyes averted up and down.
"Hermione...er...uhm...stop?"
"Don't stop, Harry! Don't stop!" - Her dreamy voice brought him pack to their passion and desire.
Harry sighed, now that he fully understood what she meant, he helped her take off the remaining piece of cloth and felt himself couldn't take his eyes of the most beautiful girl in front of him. Harry's heart stopped beating literally. She was gorgeous, so magnificent, so - so beautiful that he had to curse himself for taking too long to realize that.
He kissed her with all the sincerity in his heart, wanted to tell her how much he regretted his actions and sorry for them, at the same time telling her he did care about her...a lot.
She was wet. Very wet.
He could feel it through his index finger placing inside her most private part. Harry looked up at her as he adjusted himself in between her legs, silently seeking for her permission. Hermione nodded. And so he thrust inside her. She grabbed hardly at his hands, looking back at him through her tear-formed eyes and making him confused.
"...f-first time...?"
She nodded softly, grimaced as the pain was still there.
"Blood...Blood...Hermione! You're hurt.. I - I..." - Color drained out of his face as Harry spotted a tint of red from down there. Seriously...it was his first time too...and he must admit that he didn't have too much experience on this field.
"Don't!" - She grabbed his hands - "Don't pull out! It will pass soon! Go on, Harry!"
He nodded, carefully pushed in just a tiny little bit deeper. He took extra caution this time as he didn't want to hurt her nor made her cry. Harry kissed her, trying to divert her attention and helped her forget the pain. She soon got better indeed. Her arms slid around his neck and legs wrapped around his waist, nudging him slightly. She called his name though her dreamy eyes - "Harry! Oh Harry...Harry!"
The two of them danced together as both increased their wild tango rhythm in the sacred forest. Back and forth. Back and forth. Rhythmically calling each other's name as he brought her to climax and followed shortly after. For the first time in his life, Harry was sure he had found heaven and saw a real angel. The good feeling affected his mood so much that for a while there, Harry totally utterly forgot who Voldemort was and seemed like all his troubles had vanished.
Harry was still on top of Hermione, already missing her warmth. Right at this moment, she still looked really beautiful in his eyes, despite her sweaty body, wild bushy hair and sleepy eyes.
"I...love you..."
His hand traced along her cheek as he whispered that and finally managed to disentangled himself off her. Hermione mumbled something back then quickly fell into deep sleep in his arms.
The next morning and the mornings after that...none of them mentioned what had happened. It was as if there was a tacit agreement that it was a taboo subject and even one sentence was enough to break down the seemed-to-be-solid-but-in-fact-fragile friendship wall between them. They tried to behave normally around each other yet avoiding one another whenever possible. Two of them were never in the tent at the same time, saved for when they had to discuss strategies, other times...one was out and one was in until they changed their shift.
Then one day Ron returned, and the same day Harry decided to bury the haunting dreams of that night at the bottom of his heart. He buried it deeper and deeper with each passing day, so deep that he almost forgot it ever happened if she hadn't woken up his heart with an announcement of the wedding.
.
.
.
Splash!
A fish suddenly flipped up out of the water and then fell back in, stirring up the peaceful silence of a night forest and bringing Harry back to the present.
He rubbed his eyes, slapped on the face to keep himself awake. Harry secretly glanced into the tent and saw Hermione, though eyes shut closed kept turning sides, sweats were soaking her forehead. She was probably having a nightmare. Harry sighed. As he was about to walk in to check on her, he heard a rustle sound as if someone were stepping on the grass. Could be wild animals but could also be...
Harry clutched tightly at his scissors, stood up, facing where the sound was coming from. His eyes were wide opened, focused intently on a...one - no two - two shadowy figures slowly emerged from the darkness and growling at him.
...
He had thought it was a very long night until he realized that it was only a prelude of a never ending nightmare the next day.
To be continued...
A/N: OK! That was an awkward and clumsy sex...I know and it was intentional. That was their first time so let's just hope things will get better the second time round (if there's any, I'll leave that for you to find out).
Some of you might wonder what was the reason behind Hermione's action. We're clear on Harry's part but not really knowing what Hermione was thinking and whether her action was due to love or unresolved stress. Once again, I'll leave the answer at a much much later chap. For now, let's be content that the line was crossed once and it affects their platonic-friendship-status more than they seem to realize.
