Chapter Eleven – Morals
August 2022
Albus does not come up to bed tonight and I am glad. The guilt would be too much to bear. After kissing James outside the Leaky Cauldron and crying in his arms, we eventually parted. I came straight home and got in the shower so Albus would not see my tears, he was late home today though so I needn't have bothered. I cannot sleep; I toss and turn, my mind is restless, flicking between thoughts of James and thoughts of Albus. What I did was wrong, I knew that, but it didn't feel wrong… it felt so perfectly right.
When I wake in the morning, Albus has already left. I cannot eat breakfast but pace distractedly through the house. As the old clock strikes two, I grab my cloak a march out into the rain, my feet guide me and I soon find myself outside the Leaky Cauldron again. What am I doing here?
A hand grabs my wrist and pulls me into one of the narrow alleyways, his lips crush to mine. I do not need to look to see who it is – his lips are so familiar. I could be anywhere in the world but if I was kissing James, I would feel at home. He takes my hand and in silence we walk through muggle London where no one will recognise us. The rain prevents many people from coming out of their houses and we find a nice park and sit down on one the wooden benches muggles are so fond of.
"I love you Vivian Iris," he whispers into my hair as we cuddle up together – our bodies mould together as one. I kiss the tip of his nose in reply.
The next day passes in a similar fashion, with me hurrying home before Albus gets back from work. And the next. And the next. Almost a week goes by and I feel powerless to stop myself seeking out James, we meet earlier and earlier until I practically follow Albus out of the house in the mornings (without him noticing of course).
My food is beginning to improve again and Albus and I are sitting in the lounge eating spaghetti bolognaise in silence. He opens his mouth as if to say something but decides not to and closes it. He does this several time.
"Do you love him?" He at last spits out, his voice is calm with no hint of any underlying emotion.
"Who?" I ask stubbornly, I know full well who he is referring to.
"My brother."
"No." It is perhaps the biggest lie I have every told but living with Albus has become uncomfortable enough without him knowing I am still in love with his brother. He looks at me and I can see on his face he does not believe me but he says nothing. Again, he does not come up to bed; instead I hear the door creak open and his footsteps echo softly from the pavement.
Over the next few days, as I creep off to see James, Albus comes home later and later from work and goes out earlier and earlier in the evenings, coming back later and later until one day I come downstairs in the morning to find him just coming in through the door. I have no idea where he goes.
We no longer speak at all, we don't even look at each other, it is like we are trying to convince ourselves the other one does not exist.
I see James every day for as long as possible, sometimes not coming home until the small hours of the night. Albus is never home to notice.
It is an unusual day for me today as I am at home, James has something important to do, I job interview I think. I do not expect any company so when the doorbell rings I assume it is next doors. It is persistent so I go to tell them next door might not be in but when I open the door I am startled to see a tall witch standing on my doorstep (I can tell she is a witch by the robes she is wearing).
"Can I help you?" I ask none too friendly – I swear I have seen her before.
"Yes, actually, you can," she barges through into the house (which is a bit of a tip). I shut the door and turn to glare at her. "My name is Eloise Macmillan." Ah, the girl from the Leaky Cauldron… the girl who was kissing James, I make the connection at last.
"Well, Miss Macmillan, I would invite you in but apparently that is not necessary…" I sneer, jealously clawing at my heart. She ignores me.
"I have come to talk to you about James Potter."
"Oh really," I roll my eyes.
"Yes, really. I understand that you still have feelings for him that perhaps you ought not to have as a married woman," this girl is infuriating, what does she know about my life. "It must undoubtedly be hard for you to stay away from him but you must hear me out." She inhales deeply and I get the suspicion she is nervous. "James Potter is good man, he deserves a good life… It is not fair on him, or yourself, or his brother that you continue to see him and make his life so complicated. I know you do not want to hear this but I feel you must know, James was just starting to adjust to life without you, he was not happy as such but he was also not unhappy, after he saw you and your husband in Diagon Alley, everything fell apart again, he is broken and struggling to figure out a way to make his life work. I know that love is a hard feeling to overcome, sometimes even impossible, but I need you to try…" her voice has become quieter, taking on an almost begging tone. "I need you to try and let him go, it is killing him… and it is killing me." Her jaw was clenching as if she was holding back tears. "It is not fair on anyone, yourself included, that you keep up this… relationship. He needs to move on and he cannot do that if knows you are still prepared to be with him."
"Miss Macmillan-"
"Please, just hear me out. If you really loved him, hard though it may seem, you need to let him go." She at last comes to the end of her sermon and stands there, awkwardly, in my hallway.
"Miss Macmillan, I understand your concern but I do not see that what Mr Potter or myself get up to is any of your business."
"Which Mr Potter," she whisper, I am not even sure if she meant to say it out loud.
"Good day, Miss Macmillan and if you have any sense, I suggest you do not come back to my house." I hold open the door and resist the urge to hex her, my hand gripping my wand in my pocket. She sighs and walks out the door, as I go to close it she turns around again.
"At least think about, please, for James' sake." I slam the door in her face and whip out my wand, shattering the vase that stands on the small wooden table in the hall. Not quite rid of my anger, I proceed to punch the wall, repeatedly with my fist.
I hate Macmillan for what she said, I hate her! But a part of me knows she is right, a part of me knows that I cannot maintain my relationship with James without destroying his chances of a normal and happy life. Tears run uncontrollably down my face as I sink onto the floor. Sobs rack my body and sit, shaking against the wall, unable to quell my emotions.
Albus does not come home at all that night. The next morning I leave the house with a heavy heart: I know what I must do.
James and I have taken to meeting in muggle London where no one knows us and as I head over to our usual spot, my heart breaks. He is standing there, leaning against a tree that looks so out of place among all the tall grey buildings. As I approach him he looks up and he can see in my face that something is not right. He smiles weakly at me.
"Vivian-" I have to cut him off before he starts talking or I will never be able to do what needs to be done.
"James, I cannot do this anymore," my voice breaks. "This is not fair on you: you should be able to have a normal life with a normal family… it is not fair on Albus: he has been good to me and he deserves better than a cheating wife… it is not fair on Macmillan: she has always been there for you and she deserves to be with you without my interference… and it is not fair on me: I need to get on with my life." The tears I swore I would not cry come spilling out, he looks at me as if I am a ghost but I know that he understands. "Good bye James," I whisper and before he can gather himself enough to reply I turn and walk away.
Muggle London is a blessing, everyone hurries by you without even noticing you, focused on their own problems, no one knows anyone and no one really cares. I loose myself in the maze of roads and buildings until my feet can take it no more. Somehow I find my way back home.
Albus is sitting in the lounge with a take away; guilt consumes me as I sit across from him.
"I saw James," it comes out in a whisper and I pray he did not hear. He pauses with his fork hovering in mid-air then he looks up at me. I might as well tell him everything. "In fact, I have seen James every day for the last couple of weeks." He is still just staring at me, not blinking. "I'm sorry." How pathetic I must sound to him.
"Do you still love him?" there is no emotion in his voice.
"Yes," I sigh. "But I ended it; it was not fair on anyone." What a pitiful excuse. He just looks at me.
"I'm sorry."
"What?"
"I'm sorry I have ruined your life." Albus looks genuinely serious.
"Ruined my life? I ruined my own life! And I have ruined yours along with it!" He continues just to looks at me and I wish he would stop.
"You haven't ruined my life." His voice is so quiet I can barely hear him.
"Yes I have, it is not like you ever wanted to marry me is it? It is not like you wanted to have a child with me… Merlin, you probably didn't even want to sleep with me in the first place, you were just too drunk to realise who I was! I have ruined your life and I am sorry for it…" I shout in exasperation. He just continues to look at me.
"Is that what you think?" He asks after a moment of silence.
"What do you mean, is that what I think? It's obvious isn't it?"
"You think I do not want to be with you…"
"Well yeah," confusion tumbles inside me.
"I wasn't that drunk." I blink, momentarily unsure of what he was talking about. Oh Merlin. That night, the night that started all of this…
"Vivian?" someone calls out behind me. Odd, there are not very many people who call me by my first name… "Vivian?" they ask again.
"Yes…?" I turn around and see a black haired boy standing a few meters away. Potter, great. "What do you want?"
"Why do you hate me Vivian?"
"Because you're Potter; that is reason enough."
"You don't hate James,"
"How do you know how I feel about James?"
"I can see it in your eyes when you look at him…" Potter looks unhappy. He closes the gap between us – we are in a deserted corridor, the party is still going strong but I was bored so left.
"What do you care?" I am not normally this rude but watching James get it on with that Hufflepuff has put me in a foul temper.
"I like you Vivian…" an idea sparks in my head, I could really get my own back at James… (Okay so my somewhat drunk mind may have missed out the fact that in order for James to get jealous, he would have to like me in the first place – which he didn't, he didn't even know I existed.) I could make James Potter jealous… I could kiss his brother.
"Oh, well… I guess I like you too," I smile suggestively, putting my plan into action. Potter looks surprised but happy as I press closer to him.
"Really?" he breaths… stupid males, they believe everything women tell them. I nod. He wraps his arms around me and I tilt my head up for a kiss, which he obligingly bestows on me. He is a good kisser, better than I expected and I slowly begin to forget who I am kissing and why.
Suddenly our kissing takes on a new heat, he pushes me up against the wall and starts fumbling with my robes. I run my hands down his body as our kisses grow deeper. Skin on skin. Oh Merlin.
"Vivian…" he moans in my ear.
"You- you weren't that drunk?" I stutter, he shakes his head. Oh Merlin.
"I loved you Vivian, I still do." Now it is my turn to stare. This has to be some kind of sick joke. "I have loved you since we were in our third year and you hit that bludger into my back and got sent off the pitch. You were so mad, your hair was whipping wildly around your face, your eyes were so bright… When you told me you liked me that night I knew it wasn't true but I just let myself believe you because I was so desperate for you to love me back. Your kisses set me on fire, I couldn't think straight… I kicked myself the following morning, thinking I should never have rushed into things like that but when I saw you later on, you completely ignored me and I realised the extent of my mistake: you didn't like me, you never had.
"Then when your father came to me and told me you were pregnant, a part of me was overjoyed – I had a tie to you that could not be broken – and then he said you wanted to marry me I just let myself believe him… I let myself be fooled by my heart." His face is expressionless and I am suddenly aware of how much he is hurting. "I thought you wanted to be my wife, I would never have married you otherwise… I was a fool, I should have known you would never love me… I knew the minute James burst into the church that I was wrong, so horribly wrong and I hated myself for it… I hated that I had destroyed the little happiness in your life…"
I don't realise I am crying until a teardrop falls from my cheek onto my hand.
"All I ever wanted was to make you happy…" I am crying in earnest now, sobs wrack my body as tears run down my face. Albus just stares at me for a few moments before hesitantly coming over to sit beside me. Guilt twists in my gut and squeezes at my heart – how could I not have seen it. Now that I know it is so obvious, every look, every touch.
"I'm so sorry," I weep as he puts his arm around me. Why am I always crying, I never use to cry. I turn my head into his chest and let my tears soak his robes, he strokes my hair like he did the day before my birthday when I was missing my mother... like he did the day of our wedding. His body shakes slightly and I wonder if he is crying too… that is before I hear him chuckle.
"It is not funny!" I screech, sitting up to look him in the face. He is shaking with laughter and I wonder if everything he had just said was some horrific joke. He just shakes his head.
"Sorry," he gasps. "It is just- we are such a mess!" It still isn't funny but I can feel myself begin to giggle as well and before I know what is happening we are both crying our eyes out – half from laughter and half from pain and loss. "Oh Merlin," he whispers as I burry my face in his shirt again to stifle my hysterical laughter.
I know it is wrong but in my hysterical state I cannot seem to help it – I begin kissing his chest, working my way up to his neck… to his jaw… to his face… to his lips. He groans. Desire takes over as he runs his hands down my spine. I whimper. Fire takes hold deep within me, there is a connection between us that cannot be denied. He bites my lip as I move to sit upon him; he grasps my hips and pulls me closer to him.
Neither of us is laughing now.
He abruptly stands up but does not let go of me, wrapping his hands around my thighs he picks me up and I hold on tight with my legs, my arms draped over his shoulders… he moves towards the door. I feel the solid wood of the doorframe dig into my back as he kisses me hard… my legs slip back to the ground and we stumble up the staircase… not letting go of the other.
I fall back onto the bed and he comes crashing down on top of me… I hear the sound of ripping cloth as I tear at his robes. He kisses my neck, moving down across my chest, my breasts, my stomach… Oh Merlin. I shudder as he fumbles with my robes. Then they are gone and he collapses back onto me, kissing me until I forget who I am… A gasp escapes me as the insides of my thighs burn with a fire I did not know existed. Skin on skin. Gentle at first and then more persist, demanding… I groan and let myself go…
The next morning finds me in my husband's arms and for the first time I feel comfortable, like I belong there. Neither of us moves as we do not want to break the spell of peace that surrounds us. At last, I feel Albus' hand – the one not draped around my shoulder – gently stroke my stomach. The bump that is our child is clearly visible now; I feel a strange pressure in my stomach and Albus quickly retracts his hand.
"What the-"
"It moved," he whispers in awe. I turn my head onto his shoulder. It moved. Our baby is actually moving, for the first time it hits me that there is an actual human child growing inside me, real and alive…
"It moved…" I echo as a tear rolls down my cheek, Albus kisses the track left by the tear. I look at him and see awe and delight mingled on his features; I suspect the same emotions are mirrored on mine. He pulls me back into his arms and we just stay like that until my stomach tells me it is time for food.
Hand in hand we walk down the stairs to the kitchen where he fixes me up some bacon and eggs. We sit across from each other at the tiny table, our legs entangled, I almost feel happy. He traces the lines on the palm of my free hand as I shovel the food.
Author's Note: Hello again, let me know your thoughts :) and check out my blog if you feel like it x
