Chapter 19- Meaning of Love
Author's Note- Hey everyone! Thanks for all the lovely reviews last chapter, there was a slight dip but I was happy to hear from the people who did comment. Sorry for updating kind of late, basketball is like running my life right now and taking over my schedule. :P Well, anyways, in case anyone forgot the basketball championship is on Friday (in the story, lol) and right now we've skipped ahead to Wednesday. Here's the chapter, enjoy! ;)
It was Wednesday morning, in the hall, and Pam and Roy were talking with their friends about the championship. Lately, it seemed like the championship was the only that Roy cared about. It was always championship this or championship that. It kind of made Pam wish that he was just the slightest bit more humble. Roy turned to Pam, finally aborting the basketball talk. "Want to skip homeroom?" he offered, a mischievous smile playing across his lips.
Pam hesitated. They had skipped one more day of school since the first time but that one she hadn't really enjoyed. It felt wrong. Well, everything did lately, now that she no longer had Jim by her side. It felt wrong to be with Roy, just like it felt wrong to not talk to Jim for days. "Do we have to?" Pam asked, sighing.
"Well, we're all going," Roy replied, motioning to the group. "Did you not hear our whole conversation before this? We're going to get burgers."
"At eight in the morning?" Pam questioned. Had this not been her boyfriend, she would have been laughing.
"Duh," Jake laughed. "When else?"
"You don't have to eat any," Julie assured her. "I'm not going to; I'm trying this new diet."
"Again?" Grace raised an eyebrow.
Before Julie could start arguing with her friend, Pam spoke up. "I-I actually don't feel like it today, guys. Kind of tired."
"Come on, Pam! Please," Roy pleaded, taking her hand.
Pam sighed again, thinking it through. If Jim noticed that she was the only one that wasn't gone, maybe it would be a step in the right direction. Not a full recovery, of course, but a step. And sometimes, a step was all you needed. "Sorry, I'm not going to today. I nearly got caught last time by my mom," Pam lied.
Roy groaned. "Fine, Beesly, you're no fun. I'll call you after school." Pam nodded, silently, and their crowd took off down the hall. Pam didn't understand what the point of them coming to school was if they were just going to go somewhere else. After her friends had rounded the corner, Pam walked to homeroom. It was a class with Jim, just like most of hers. As Pam walked into the classroom, she realized that she would have no one to talk to now. With her group of friends gone and Jim and her not on speaking terms, it was going to be a lonely thirty minutes. Pam walked to her seat and sat down, quietly. The bell rang a few seconds later, as the class rushed to their desks. Their teacher, Ms. Drew, walked to the front of the class, clapping her hands together. Pam glanced around but Jim wasn't anywhere to be found. Ms. Drew opened her mouth to speak, just as a messy haired teen burst through the door.
"Sorry, I'm late," Jim said, attempting to pat down his unkempt hair that was currently sticking up in all directions. A few students snickered and Jim's lips curled into a half-smile. Pam felt herself smiling, knowing that he woke up late for sure.
Jim's teacher couldn't help but smile at the boy. "Do you have a pass?" she asked, holding her hand out.
Jim reached deep into his jean's pockets, digging around for the piece of paper. "Somewhere around here…" he mumbled. He reached around to his back pocket and pulled out a yellow slip, finally. "Aha! Here it is." He handed the slip to Ms. Drew, beaming.
His teacher glanced down at the piece of paper, stating that he was tardy. Jim hadn't been able to get the office to excuse it, even with his charm. Ms. Drew motioned for him to come closer before whispering something to Jim. Jim nodded, grinning, and took his seat. Pam heard him say to someone that their teacher excused it for him. Jim dumped his backpack by his feet and looked to the front of the room, with the other kids. "So," Ms. Drew started. "As I was saying, today we're going to do a partner exercise. Something simple, just to get your brains turning. You guys can each grab a partner and I'm going to go around and give you guys a slip of paper; with a commonly used word on it. I want you guys to define this word…in your own words. What you think the word means, not what the dictionary says. Okay? Go ahead in groups now and I'll pass them out."
As soon as their teacher finished talking, students were busting across the room to their best friends. Pam sulked in her seat, realizing that she would most likely end up alone. Jim didn't even get up from his chair, the same loneliness clicking in his head. Pam raised her hand, timidly. Her teacher motioned for her to ask the question. "Can we work…like alone?" Pam asked, shyly. She could feel Jim looking at her as she spoke and fought the urge to glance back at him.
Ms. Drew glanced from Jim to Pam and then back again. "No, you and Jim will just work together."
Jim averted his eyes and made himself busy with opening his notebook as Pam walked over, sighing. "Hey," Pam greeted. Jim didn't look up, instead turning as Ms. Drew handed them their piece of paper.
"There isn't a problem between you two, is there?" their teacher wondered.
"No, not at all," Jim lied.
"That's what I thought, you two are really close," she replied, before moving to another student's group.
Pam grimaced. "So. Hi."
Jim looked at her, his blue-green eyes glazed over; indicating that he wasn't really paying much attention. "Hey," he grumbled, staring down at their word.
"Um, what's our word?" Pam asked, politely. She was obviously trying to break the ice and avoid the elephant in the room at the same time. And it wasn't working.
Jim's eyes were practically burning through the paper as he spoke up. "Love," Jim mumbled, the syllables blending together so that Pam couldn't understand.
"Come again?" Pam squeaked.
"Our word," Jim started, with fake enthusiasm. "Is love."
"Oh," Pam sighed. She couldn't believe that out of all words, they ended up with this one. The irony. "Um, that's a strong word."
"Sure is," Jim replied, finally meeting her eyes. Pam instantly heard Jim's words ringing in her ears; It's not my fault that I'm in love with you. Surely, love was a strong word; making Pam think of why Jim used it.
"Well…what do you think love means, Jim?" Pam wondered, trying to peer behind his emotional shield that he had built up. All she needed was a sign, something to make him let his guard down. Jim sighed and his shoulders fell. Though this was what Pam was looking for, it didn't feel good at all to see him like this. "Come on, think, Jim!" Pam teased, trying to lighten the mood.
"Um, well, like it's a big thing, you know," Jim stuttered, ducking his head. Jim ran a hand through his chestnut hair, tufts sticking up. "I think…you know what, never mind. It's a stupid idea."
"No," Pam protested. "Tell me."
"Well, honestly, I think that love is like…an incredible invisible bond between two people. It's like they're connected to each other, always. One person hurts, the other hurts for them. One's happy, the other is on the ground laughing right with them. You know? But it's also uncontrollable. You can't stop your heart from speeding up around her or stop yourself from thinking about her all the time. You can't and that's what hurts the most. The fact that you have no control over your feelings. That you can't make yourself stop loving someone." Jim forced a smile. "That's the downside of love. But there is an upside, like an amazing side. To know that you have someone by your side at all times, even when you're a jerk or stupid, is like…great. You're in love with someone and it makes you look forward to the next day, even if you have a math test." Pam laughed at this. "So yeah. That's love for me."
Pam beamed, shocked by his confession. "T-that is so…just…well, Riley's a lucky girl."
Jim raised an eyebrow, though his heart was fluttering. Did this mean Pam liked him? Or was she just being nice?
"I mean," Pam started, rushing her words out of nervousness. "I think it's great that you care that much about your girlfriend."
"Oh," Jim sighed. "Actually…ex-girlfriend."
Pam's emerald green eyes doubled in size before she realized that she was happy, when she should be sympathetic. "W-what happened? You guys seemed so happy together," Pam asked, hoping she didn't sound too eager.
Jim shrugged. "I realized that we were both using this relationship to," Jim paused, planning out his next words. "Substitute for the friendships that we both desperately needed and missed." Jim tilted his head to the side, attempting to gauge Pam's reaction.
Pam tried to show sympathy, but was pretty sure that her face was contorted into a cross between a smile and a frown. "I think that it's great that you guys had a clean break-up. You know, like instead of an ugly one."
Jim nodded. "Yeah, I guess."
Pam glanced around, making sure that no other students were watching them or listening in. "Jim," Pam started, lowering her voice. "I just wanted to let you know," she continued.
Jim raised a hand, motioning for her to stop. "Don't," he warned. "Please. Look, Pam, I don't need any more of your apologies if you're just gonna turn around and hurt me again. That's not how a friendship works."
"No," Pam cried. A few heads turned to them and Pam waved them off. She leaned in closer to Jim and lowered her voice again. "Please, just let me talk. I'm really so sorry, Jim, for everything. You have no idea. I don't know what happened to me! The mean words were just coming out and I had no control, and, and, I just lost it. I'm sorry, Jim." Jim didn't look up, just continued staring at his Converse sneakers as if they were the most interesting things on earth. "I said…" Pam started up again.
"I know," Jim replied. "Just save your voice for Roy's late night phone calls or something, okay? No need to keep repeating the same words over and over again."
"So…do you accept the apology or what?" Pam asked, forcing a smile.
Jim grimaced, fearing his next words. "Actually," Jim started, hesitating. "No."
Pam bit her lip, awkwardly. "Do you want to explain why…?"
"When someone says the same words over and over again, they begin not to mean anything. They become just words, without any emotion behind them. And every time you tell me that you're sorry, you turn around and do something mean again. It's like that old saying, 'actions speak louder than words.' And they do. Your words mean nothing to me right now because your actions are betraying them," Jim explained. "So yeah, that's all," Jim sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"Um, okay," Pam blushed, embarrassed. Luckily, the bell rang, saving her from an uncomfortable situation. Before Pam could say goodbye, Jim scooped up his backpack and darted towards the door, leaving her behind.
That night, Pam was waiting for Roy to call her, like he promised. It was already ten-thirty and she hadn't heard from him. This was unusual behavior coming from him; he was actually pretty good at calling when he said he would. Pam would think that he was at least thinking of her, after skipping school today and being away from her. Finally, after mulling over what to do, Pam picked up her cell and dialed his number. She drummed her fingers on the side of her bed, as the line rang. After a few more rings, it went to voicemail. "Hey Roy, it's me, Pam. Um, you haven't called yet, so I just wanted to say goodnight. Yeah, okay, bye now." Pam sighed, as she hung up, hoping she hadn't sounded too clingy. She knew, as most girls did, that guys hated clingy girlfriends. This made her think of Jim; was she still trying to hold onto him? Did he not like that? Pam groaned to herself, slipping under the covers.
Ring! Ring! Pam fumbled around in the darkness, in search of her phone. Ring! Ring! Pam looked at her alarm clock; it was three in the morning on a school night. Who the heck would be calling at this hour? Pam finally clasped her hands around the object, before placing it to her ear. "Hello?" she grumbled.
"Hey babe," Roy greeted.
Pam nearly dropped the phone, as she remembered the time. Jim would certainly never do this unless he had an emergency mission or if they were like ten. "Do you know what time it is?" Pam whisper-yelled. She knew her mom would forever hate Roy if she found out about this.
"Our time," Roy laughed.
Pam scoffed, ignoring his comment. "Where were you earlier?"
"Oh right. Sorry. Me and the guys were at Jake's house…his cousin had a fake ID…scored us some beer," Roy explained.
"Are you drunk?!" Pam accused.
"What? No!" Roy disagreed, hastily. "Course not. I don't drink."
Pam sighed, maybe in another universe Roy Anderson had never tasted beer in his life, but in this one he had, one time too many. "Um, sure. So, how was your day?"
"Great. We hung out at Jake's mainly, his parents weren't home," Roy replied, slurring his words a bit.
"Are you at Jake's right now?" Pam asked.
"I don't think so." Roy burped into the speaker.
Pam shook her head, knowing that he was probably drunk right now. "Brilliant," she spat sarcastically.
"Hey, hey, I'm not drunk," Roy assured her, sobering up a bit.
"Prove it," Pam challenged.
"Okay, ask me a question," Roy replied.
"What do you think," Pam paused. "Love means?"
"Easy," Roy laughed. "Finding a girl who's hot and likes to make out with you…and you just wanna make out all the time."
Pam sighed, remembering Jim's answer. She honestly doubted that Roy's would change if he was sober. "I have to go back to bed, Roy."
"But wait, baby…"
"Good night," Pam sighed.
So what did you think? Good or bad? Boring or interesting? Please leave a review. Sorry that I updated kinda late again. I was pretty busy but we have Midwinter Break this week, so I should be able to prewrite the last couple chapters. Yes, there is only a few chapters left of this, sadly. I hope that everyone had a good Valentine's Day (I didn't…stupid Glee writers) and that your boyfriends were smarter than some other guys *cough* Roy *cough*. Well, bye, Harry Potter's on TV. R&R! ;)
