"So are we going to be adults about this, or just keep pretending everything's okay?"

I honestly didn't know what to say. What did I tell the man I've been in love with for the last three years, four months, two weeks, and seventeen days? I shrugged. I've gotten quite good at pretending things are okay. It doesn't mean I ever forget the truth.

"Fine, you want to play it like that, then you're going to listen to me, and I mean listen. You're going to hear every word that's going to come out of my mouth and then you can use that big ol' brain of yours to figure it all out. Over process it or whatever you have to do, but you're going to listen this time, got it?"

I nodded. I tucked my legs beneath me, turning to face him, tugging a pillow closer to my chest. He was fidgeting with his hands, something he did sometimes when he was nervous.

"Spencer, I, the first time I ever laid eyes on you I wasn't even at the register. I was on my break and Ethan came in. He orders the same thing every time and he was always alone. You were wearing this awful sweater vest, had these ridiculous glasses, and your hair was a mess, but then you smiled and started laughing at something he had said.

"Your eyes got even larger due to your glasses, and something inside of me slid into place. Like, like I had to know you. Like I had to find out everything I could about you. I tell you Pretty Boy, I felt like such a teenage girl when it came to you. It didn't even matter to me that you were a white boy, or even on the high end of the dork side. It was the fact that I thought this regular of mine was your boyfriend."

He laughed a little, shifting closer to me, his knee nudging my thigh, and his hands reaching slowly out to tug at one of my own clenched tightly to my throw pillow.

"I could go into detail about the beginning, but you, you made me want to be a better person. You made me want to be the person you saw every time you look at me. I want to be him for you. Then you, then you go and be all martyr-like and obnoxious, letting me go. Well if you were going by that stupid notion, I've come back. I returned. I'm here and I'd rather not have to go through this again.

"I've enjoyed the last month of watching the boys with you, and filling in the gaps when everyone gets together, but I've also thought long and hard about what I want. I know I touch lightly on how I felt in those letters, which I hope you read. Of course you did, it's you. The night I broke down in front of Kevin, I realized I didn't care how much you had hurt me because if I was hurting that bad I knew it was the same if not more for you. And knowing you, you were going it alone because you're stubborn and annoying like that."

His thumb was rubbing along my knuckles.

"The only person I've ever been this open with is Penelope. You have the power to destroy me, and you did once already, but I want nothing more than for you to have that power again. If we need to go slow, we go slow, but I need to know Spencer Reid, I need to know if this, if us, is something you want, and can do again. I want to know that when I'm visiting you or you me, that waking up next to you is something I'll get to have. I want to know that when I graduate next spring and come home that you're going to be a part of my future. I meant it when I said that I could spend the rest of my life with you and you can take that however you want to.

"You're it. You didn't ruin me so don't go thinking that. You're everything I've ever wanted and then some. If you need a ring, need me to go down on one knee I'll do it. I'll do whatever you want or need me to. If it's to walk out that door and never speak to you again because you can't do this again, tell me and I'll go. But tell me to go because you don't love me, not because you love me too much."

His thumb had stopped moving when he said my name, but our hands were still clasped. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't get a full breath. I felt light headed and top heavy at the same time. My heart felt like it was stopped but was going to burst out of my chest in a moments notice.

I looked at him; I hadn't stopped looking since he'd started talking.

He was terrified. He didn't look it but I could tell by his eyes, I could always tell by his eyes, especially when they were locked with my own.

"I'd be lying if I said the thought of you proposing to me hadn't crossed my mind but it's not something I need. You, you have always been enough Derek. We were both young and inexperienced and I'll even go so far as to say stupid because stupidity can be erased. One can always learn.

"And I have. I hid behind my intellect, my position, my godson, anything that I could really before I allowed myself to deal with the choice I had made by letting you go. The first time I allowed myself to even actively think about it was that homecoming game I saw you from a distance at. Actually, one of my students was down in the locker room area and overheard you and your family talking.

"He came to me, started asking me questions I didn't know how to answer or really wanted to. Your sister, that first day I saw her name on my roster, and then that first day of class when she just walked into the room and gave me a look I couldn't decipher—Derek, I didn't really deal with any of this until I got your letters."

I bit my lip and tightened my grip on his hand.

"Hey, hey, Pretty Boy, calm down, take a deep breath for me. There's no need to work yourself up, not now, not for me."

I nodded and kept our gazes locked and steadied my breathing. My grip slacked a little and he resumed moving his thumb against my skin.

"I know a lot of things Derek, but I don't know how to do this. I didn't the first time. I am out of my element when I don't know how to do something and it terrifies me that I might screw up again. You're, you're one of the most important people in this whole world to me and I cherish what I have with you.

"I've read so many books, articles, poems, and blogs, all to get a better insight on what it means to be in love and love another person so much. I was slightly relieved to know that I'm not the only person incompetent when it comes to relationships. However, I was overwhelmed that so many people were able to put into words how I feel at the mere thought of you, let alone when I am with you, or touching you, or, or when we're intimate. You make my words fail Derek and that scares me, more than my other phobias combined, but I, I wouldn't, I can't, I don't, I could never give this up. Please don't ask me to."

He moved so quickly, enveloping me in his arms and I let him. My arms trapped between us, clenching into his shirt, pulling him closer as I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

I had missed this. I had missed being in his arms. The few arms slung over my shoulders on various outings or for brief moments of photo ops with our friends didn't count, but I still held them dear.

It had been almost a week since we had woken up at Will and JJ's on the couch with Henry. Shared breakfast and even stayed for lunch at JJ's insistence. Will even sent us both home with leftovers because that man always cooks too much food for their small family of three.

During the almost week I had avoided Derek, perhaps not actively, but I was avoiding him. Waking up and wanting that to be something that happened every day, especially watching him with the boys, eh what was it JJ had said, my biological clock was ticking? I'm not a female so I don't think it applies per se but it does get the point across. I wanted the man currently holding me in his arms and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I wanted the waking up every morning to each other, falling asleep together each night. I want the stupid fights over what's for dinner, or what type of paint color for each room. I want the option of the third room to be left open to the possibility of a nursery one day. I want to know that on my lunches or even just because he'll come to campus and surprise me when he's done his shifts or has his own breaks.

I want to worry about his safety when he's out on call. I might even want him to go down on one knee one day and put a stupid ring on my finger. Have us stand before everyone important to us and show them how much we mean to each other, and argue with him over that's how I see weddings, where he'll tell me that no, it's us sharing our love with those we deem important to our love story.

"Pretty Boy?"

His words were whispered in my ear and I just nodded, allowing my thoughts to cease rambling.

"You remember the first time we kissed?"

I nodded. I squeaked. We were standing in the middle of one of the boy's bathrooms in a public high school, how could I forget?

"Do you remember how we made plans to get together that Sunday? To spend time at your apartment and we never did? We ended up going to the most random shops around town?"

"Your mom was so mad when you got home past dinner time. You hadn't called her once during the day to tell her you were okay."

He chuckled and pressed a kiss to my temple. I smiled.

"I've still never had sex Spence, not, not the way it matters. I'm glad we never jumped into bed. I'm glad you're not that kind of person and I can't thank you enough for teaching me not to be one of those people."

I pulled away from him and stared.

"No, no, I, I'm not, I mean I do, but I'm not saying that's what I want right now. I'm saying I'm glad we've waited. I'm glad that when we do, I'm glad that it's you. I just, I never knew how to say that and I've always wanted to say that to you."

I felt my cheeks flame and I could tell that he was blushing too. I was fond of this fact, that we could still make each other blush.

"We're still going slow though right?"

He nodded.

"But you can still stay right? You don't have to go home? We could just sleep, together, tonight?"

He grinned and pulled me back closer, placing brief kisses all over my face.

"Of course Pretty Boy, whatever you want is fine with me."

"You have to want it too!"

He pressed a kiss to my lips and pulled back and grinned at me.

"Spencer, believe me, I want it too."

I smiled and curled back up against him.