Pain.
Pain and thirst. They were the first things Hisa felt when she opened her eyes. It took a few seconds for her memory to return. She was taking the Chunin Exams, she had used her Rinnegan and accidently blown up a huge part of the minefield. Then she had collapsed from chakra exhaustion. So, where was she now?
She looked around. She was lying on the ground behind a bush. She could hear a river flowing nearby, and she could see a tree hanging over her. Slowly, she pieced everything together.
After the explosion, Nawaki and Oki must have continued on their way. They obviously couldn't leave her behind, so Hisa's best guess was that they carried her. They must have walked pretty far. She didn't recognize the landscape, and the sky was dark. They must have set up camp here. It was a good place to camp, seeing as the tree and the bush gave protection from enemies, and the river provided a fresh source of water.
There was only one piece of evidence missing. Where were her teammates? She slowly sat up, wincing slightly. Her lungs and stomach burned slightly and she had a pounding headache. All her limbs seemed to be functioning. She wiggled her toes and her fingers and found them slightly stiff.
Suddenly, she saw a familiar face coming towards her.
"Nawaki, she's awake." Oki said.
This one sentence made Hisa relax a bit. Her teammates were fine, which meant that she could still complete the exam. The one problem was that Oki's voice seemed slightly muted. The blast must have affected her hearing. She shook her head a few times, and her ears popped.
"How long have I been out?" she asked.
"Around ten hours." Oki answered. "How are you feeling?"
Hisa tried to stand up and groaned.
"My head, stomach, lungs and legs hurt. But I can move fine and it doesn't seem fatal."
"You're one of the lucky ones then."
Hisa recognized that voice. She looked around and spotted Nawaki sitting on a tree branch. His face was hidden from her in the darkness, but she recognized his fake ANBU uniform. She still thought the uniforms were ridiculous. She suddenly realised what he said and frowned.
"What are you talking about, idiot?"
Nawaki jumped off the tree branch. He landed with his face turned away from her, but even from his body language she could tell something was wrong.
"I'm out." he said.
Hisa watched incredously as he began to walk away. What was his problem?
"Nawaki wait." Oki said running over to him and blocking his path. "I understand that you're mad at Hisa but she's confused. Hear her out fully first."
"I've heard enough." Nawaki said, his voice cold. It reminded Hisa of their first C-Rank, when he thought Suigetsu had died.
He turned to leave but Oki grabbed his hand.
"Please," she said "If you leave, you sentence us all to death. I understand that you're mad, and if Hisa irritates you too much you can cool off by the river. Just don't leave for good."
Hisa was completely confused. What had she done that had made Nawaki angry at her? Why was Oki taking his side? Had something happened while she was knocked out?
"What's wrong?" she asked.
Nawaki laughed angrily.
"Oh nothing's wrong, you just slaughtered a bunch of children, that's all."
Hisa frowned.
"Don't be stupid. All I did was blast the mines then I was unconscious. I'm certain I haven't killed anyone."
"Actually Hisa, you did." Oki said gently. "It was an accident-"
"A stupid one." Nawaki muttered
"-but the fact is, you did kill a lot of people."
Hisa tried to understand, she really did. But she couldn't quite process it. They were both looking at her expectantly, and she realised she needed to say something.
"Good." she said. "That makes it easier for us. Less competition, right?"
Nawaki's face turned ugly. He looked like he wanted to hit her. Instead, he turned away.
"I'll be at the river." he said to Oki.
She nodded.
"I'll try to talk some sense into her."
He laughed bitterly.
"Good luck."
Hisa was annoyed. Couldn't they see she was listening to them?
Nawaki ignored her and walked away. Oki watched him go for a minute, then she turned to Hisa with a sigh.
"Sit down." she said, gesturing to the ground.
Hisa obeyed, too tired to argue.
"What are you doing?" she asked as Oki sat down opposite her.
Oki shrugged.
"I'm not really sure. I think I'm giving you a therapy session."
Hisa took a minute to comprehend that. The first thing she felt was indignation.
"Oki, I do not need a therapy session, especially not now. I am perfectly fine. Killing is a part of being a shinobi."
"Hisa, you really, really do need therapy. I know you feel terrible about killing those people, even if you don't know it yet."
Hisa opened her mouth to say that she really, really didn't, but Oki interrupted her.
"You may act like a cold-hearted bitch but you're still six years old. You know what you did, so your body is probably in shock right now. I'm here to help you through."
Part of Hisa cracked at that, but she kept her walls up. She wasn't ready to open up, not yet.
"Oki, this whole thing is stupid. Did you just call me a bitch?"
"No, I said you acted like one. I said that because it's true. You do act like one, but you're not really like that Naruko kid. You're not really fine with this."
Hisa still gave no response. Oki sighed.
"Look, think of it like this, Obito could have been caught in that blast. You might just have killed your own brother. You can't feel good about that?"
Hisa shrugged.
"I feel perfectly fine actually. After all, didn't Hanabi tell me to try and kill him? By the way, I'm telling your mother what you called me."
Oki reached forward and slapped Hisa across the face. Hisa was too shocked to do anything back.
"You're lying Hisa. You're lying to yourself, as well as to me. Deep down, you know that."
"Oki, let me explain something to you. Therapists do not slap their patients."
Oki shrugged.
"I never said I was qualified. But back to you, you understand now that your brother is possibly dead, and it's your fault. Doesn't that make you feel anything?"
"If you're trying to guilt trip me it won't work." Hisa told her coldy. "I'm not going to break down in the middle of the Chunin Exams. Besides, why wouldn't I be fine with it? Hanabi-"
"Hanabi's messed up and you know that."
A mixture of a laugh and a sob escaped Hisa.
"Well in case you haven't noticed, I'm messed up too."
Oki seemed to notice that she was finally caving. Her voice became softer.
"You're not messed up Hisa. You're just confused and scared. Tell me why, ok? I won't tell anyone else."
Hisa looked up at her, desperation in her eyes.
"Did I really kill that many people?" she asked.
Oki nodded sadly.
"But it was an accident. It's natural to feel guilty about it, but you also have to learn how to forgive yourself." She paused. "Wow. Maybe I should be a therapist after all."
Hisa laughed at that, but sobered up once she remembered what she had done. Tears formed in her eyes as it hit her fully. She had become a mass murderer in the space of a few hours. She took a deep breath and began to explain how she felt.
"There's a huge part of me that's just full of guilt right now." she explained hesitantly. Oki just sat there, waiting patiently. "But there's another part of me that's just really annoyed at myself. For… For losing control. I have this Rinnegan, and I thought that the Chunin Exams would be the perfect time to show how much control I have of it. Instead, I mess up and kill a bunch of people. Everyone probably hates me right now."
"I don't hate you." Oki said camly. "I heard and saw everything, but I don't hate you. Nawaki will come around-"
"Don't." Hisa said. "Don't try and make me feel better. I shouldn't even be thinking about myself right now. I should be thinking about the children I killed, and the families that will soon be grieving. Believe me, I'm trying to think of them, but it just comes back to me. That makes me feel even guiltier. All I can think about is myself, and I hate myself for that." she let out a choked sob. "I really, really hate myself."
With that, all her emotions seemed to come pouring out, and she collapsed onto Oki, crying and sobbing. Oki just hugged her, and didn't say a word. Hisa just cried and cried. She hated how she was so weak, she hated that she couldn't think of crying as anything but a weakness. She hated how confused she was feeling. She didn't even know why exactly she was crying. She just did.
Eventually, her sobs became hiccups and her tears stopped flowing as heavily. She sat up and wiped her eyes.
"Sorry about your top." she mumbled.
Oki smiled.
"Don't worry about it. It's waterproof. Look, what I want you to understand is crying and feeling guilty doesn't make you a weak shinobi. In fact, I think it makes you the opposite. So listen, you understand a bit better now don't you?"
Hisa nodded, not trusting her voice just yet. Suddenly, she felt exhausted. She lay back in the grass and enjoyed the sound of silence. After her emotional breakdown, it was a relief to feel so empty. After a minute, she turned to Oki.
"Oki?" she said
"Yes?"
"Thanks." she said quietly. "Thanks for putting up with my… bitchiness."
Oki laughed at that.
"Hisa, I've put up with your bitchiness for years now. You're not yourself without it. Promise me you won't have a total personality change, that'll just freak me out."
Hisa laughed.
"Don't worry, I don't think I can stop."
"Good." Oki said.
There was silence for another few minutes until Hisa sat up and sighed.
"I've got to go apologize to Nawaki now don't I?"
Oki nodded.
"Be nice." she warned. "Don't call him an idiot, and try not to put anyone down."
"Got it." Hisa said.
She stood up and began walking over to the riverbank. This was going to be a very awkward conversation.
A/N This chapter was difficult to write because of all the different emotions Hisa went through. I had to do this chapter though, because it's a big part of Hisa's character development. She finally realised that she wasn't as good as she thought. I loved writing Oki this chapter, as she genuinely cares about Hisa, and is a lot more level-headed than Nawaki. Anyway, I hope this chapter was ok, and I'll try and do better next chapter with Nawaki. I wanted to put in some NaruHina to lighten the mood, but I decided not to in the end. They will be in the next chapter though.