Dear Aaron,

I don't really know how to do this. I don't know how to say the things that I need to say. I also don't really know what I need to say. So I guess I just don't really know anything right now.

By the time you read this, you will be heading out, leaving me, and on your way to continuing your life without the burden of us, of me, to keep holding you back. Either that or you won't read this until you're already moved or ten years from now, or maybe you'll just throw it away on your way outside the door. But I needed to write it anyway.

There are some things I need you to know. Which is why I'm writing this letter.

The first and most important thing is that I love you. I've loved you for a long time. When we were together, I was so incredibly happy. And you made me that happy. I know that you think that I wasn't as happy with you as I am with Derek. You couldn't be more wrong, Aaron. You just weren't looking. You know how in movies you can tell that the guy and the girl are completely head over heels for each other, but they can never seem to figure it out and then they'll look at each other when the other's looking away and that look says it all? That's how I looked at you.

I know things aren't the same and they won't ever be the same again. But you need to know above all else how much our time together meant to me. You are the first man that I have ever loved. You'll always be that for me, the man who first held my heart. You'll always be with me and a part of me, a huge part of my life. There will always be a part of me that is in love with you, that wishes things had been different, but I don't regret anything. I don't regret loving you, I don't regret being with you and having to hide our relationship, and I don't regret ending things for the reason that I did.

The breakup was terrible. It hurt me to have to do that to you, and I hate being apart from you, but I needed it. We both needed it. Someday, I hope you understand why I had to end it and why I can't regret that decision. In a different world, if we had met differently, been different people, lived different lives, things might have worked out perfectly, happily ever after and all. But we're not different people. We're us. And that's amazing. But as us, in this time and place, it wasn't going to work. You were going to gradually begin resenting me for my friendship with Derek, I would have hated that we had to hide our relationship constantly, and so many other things would have come between us. It would have ended poorly no matter what.

But no matter how things ended up. Forget the fact that I'm seeing someone else and that it's the guy you thought I would end up with. Forget that he and I got together so quickly. None of that diminishes what we had together. What we had was incredible. That's why it scared me so much. I fell so deeply in love with you that I lost sight of myself. Because all I wanted to imagine was who I was with you, not who I am on my own. And that's how badly I wanted to be with you, that I wanted to forget about me and just be us. But I'm too young to be giving up everything. I can't be where you are in your life. You want to settle down, start a family, and begin your life. But I'm not ready for that and you deserve to be with someone who is.

I know you're not going to like it, but I need to tell you about Derek. I know you think you know everything there is to know about my relationship with him, but you're wrong. Derek and I have a long history. He's been my friend for years. And that's all we were – friends. That's all I wanted us to be. I wasn't lying to you when I told you about staying with him. Derek and I never so much as held hands before you and I broke up. Derek is my best friend. He was there for me when I was in need. And, yes, he and I got together quickly, but it is not because I was cheating on you or not in love with you. It was because I knew being with Derek would make me happy again. And I needed that more than anything. I needed to stop feeling miserable all the time and thinking about you and how things could have ended up differently. So when Derek told me that he had feelings for me, I started thinking about him. And it made the pain lessen. I hope that someday soon you find someone who makes your pain lessen. Someone who is your solace.

There's only one more thing I really need to tell you. And you might not read this in time or ever, but I'm writing it anyway. I don't want you to leave. My reasons are entirely selfish, but I can't imagine my world without you in it somewhere. I want to know that you're always around. Because one day soon, I might find myself outside your office door needing to talk to you. I get that you need to leave and refocus, but I don't want you to. I'm going to miss you so much. Thank you for being you and for being with me. For giving us a chance.

Aaron, I love you and I want the best for you. I want you to lead the incredible life I know you were meant to lead. You are the kindest, most intelligent, funniest, sexiest man I have had the pleasure of knowing. The pleasure of being with. Never forget how amazing you are and never forget how much you mean to me.

Love always,

Penelope