Chapter 4

Nikita woke up in a panic, her whole body in fight mode. Where was she? She looked around and then she remembered it all. She was back with her team, her family, her love. She allowed herself to relax, looked at the watch and saw that she slept for a whole night. Boy, talk about exhaustion! She heard faint voices coming from their makeshift office and she just took a second to let it all in. As much as she didn't want to involve them in this situation, it was so, so good to feel safe again, to be part of the team. Time spent on the run was frightening, exhausting and lonely as hell. It was the thing that consumed her the most, loneliness… She left the warmth of her bed, got dressed and decided to find something to eat because her stomach was kind of angry right now. Heading for the common work space, she stopped dead in her tracks. Alex! Alex was there! Beautiful, poised and looking better than ever. She and Michael were talking and Nikita stood there, in the shadows, listening.

Michael, are you really ok? You know you can't hide from me, big brother! Alex said with a smile. Don't try to be the brave one, don't put up your walls, talk to me! I know how hard this has been for you, remember?

Alex, I love you, but right now you need to back off and let this go! I have to deal with this myself, you know that.

I know…..but never forget that I am here for you…always…

I know…unlike other people …

Nikita cringed at his words. He was so cold towards her since her arrival. No nice words, no "how have you been all this time", nothing but coldness, all business…Well, she deserved it, but she couldn't help feeling sad and a little bit upset. She did this for them, after all. She was ready to kill the president for him, to die for him. Why couldn't he understand?

Michael…you know that Nikit…..

Why are you here anyway, Alex? You had a mission in Mumbai and you left to come see her? What you are doing there is important for everyone. I thought you knew better.

I know, Michael, I know better, but….what's here it's also important…to me! I know you don't understand, but it is how it is and I'm here now, so let it go. I'll be back in Mumbai tomorrow and everything will be fine!

Alex….you never learn your lesson, do you? What if she leaves again? What then? You barely survived the last time, what will happen to you this time? You are all excited and happy and hopeful now, but what if she leaves again?

She won't!

You don't know that! She did it once, what would stop her to do it again?

Michael…I'm not sure about anything in my life anymore, this situation we are in…we could get killed in any moment. But if Nikita came back, fully aware that she'll put a target on our backs again, I am sure that she won't leave this time. I am sure that if she left to protect us, now she will stay for the very same reason. To make sure we stay alive! I trust her and you should to…

Alex, you're too trusting for your own good…

I may be, but trusting Nikita it's not even a choice anymore, it's just how I feel. It's in me. Not trusting her would be like not trusting myself…..Open your eyes, Michael. She did this out of love, understand this before it's too late…

Alex, you don't kn…

Michael, let her be! I know you are deeply hurt right now, angry and frustrated, but don't take this on Alex. She doesn't deserve it. If you want to be pissed off with somebody, well, here I am, let it out! Nikita said coming out from her hiding spot, with a determined look on her face. Alex defended her and she couldn't believe it. After all that happened, Alex still defended her, trusted her completely. As sad as she was at Michael's words, she couldn't help but feel so proud of Alex and so happy that such a person existed in her life. She felt a little bit of hope again. Hope that they will get through this and then they can live again.

Everybody stopped what they were doing and turned to see Nikita standing behind them. Ryan gave her a sad look, but didn't say anything and Birkhoff cleared his throat and excused himself, not wanting to get involved between the three musketeers.

Well, I'll let you two talk, but remember Alex, you've been warned! Ryan, I need you help with something and we need to go now, Michael said and left with Ryan.

Nikita stood there, just a few feet from Alex, lost for words. What could she say? I'm sorry would be the understatement of the year! She swallowed hard, cleared her throat and tried to speak

Alex…I…I…..

But she didn't have the chance to say nothing more because she found herself enveloped in a hug that took her breath away. She was stunned, frozen to the spot and it took her a few good seconds to realize what was happening and hug Alex back. The girl in her arms was sobbing and it broke Nikita's heart in million pieces.

It's ok, Alex, let it all out, I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. I am here for you …Nikita said, gently caressing Alex's hair.

After a few minutes, Alex composed herself, took a step back and touched Nikita's face like she was seeing a ghost.

You're alive! You're alive…..and I can breathe again….

I am…barely, but I am…

How….what have…where have you been?

Everywhere! When I left I had no plan or destination in mind. All that I could think of was "how am I suppose to do this?". I couldn't stay in one place more than one day. My face was on every news channel and billboard everywhere. I honestly don't know how I managed to escape the authorities for so long. I guess I have to thank Division for all that training now. It paid off…

God, that must have been exhausting!

You have no idea….but how are you? I heard you are working for the UN now, being the new Batman or something, Nikita said smiling and whipping Alex's cheeks.

Yeah, I am! It's good for me you know. It gave me a purpose in life again. I can finally be who I am, Alexandra Udinov, and use my name to save others. It's not easy, but I can handle it.

I have no doubt about it, Nikita proudly said.

But most of all, I do this for you, to bring them down and clear your name. When things get hard I think about you and it all becomes clear again. Nikita…I've missed you so much!

I know, Alex, I know…..I've missed you too, all of you and…I'm sorry for…

No, you don't have to apologize to me! I understand why you did what you did, I would have probably done the same thing…you always put others before yourself, always protecting us and that's something not many people can do! I am with you 100 percent, Nikita! Don't ever doubt that!

Thank you…Nikita said with tears in her eyes, hugging Alex again. But Alex, we need to talk.

Yeah…I know, I left Mumbai, I didn't stay on mission like you taught me. I know you must be disappointed, but Nikita….

Alex, stop! What are you talking about? Disappointed? In you? Never! Do you hear me, NEVER, Alex! And don't you ever say that again or I will kick your ass so hard that you will fly faster than this plane!

Oh my God, Alex said laughing, just one day back and you already start to sound like Birkhoff!

Right? Weird, huh? Now I'm really scared!

Both girls laughed at that thought, forgetting for a few moments how completely messed up their lives were. It felt good to both of them to just enjoy each other's company; it gave them a new sense of hope for the future.

I am so glad you are here, Alex! I was kind of scared to face you, you know? When Birkhoff told me what happened to you after I…

Wait, what? Birkhoff told you? What did he tell you? Why did he tell you? It wasn't his business to tell you anything! Oh, my God, I will kill him, I swear! Why can't he just mind his own business?

Alex….

No, Nikita, it wasn't his place to tell you anything!

But Alex, it is his place…He was here for you when I wasn't, he dealt with it all, he had to put you back together, not me…I left…

Nikita….

Alex, it's the truth and I have to face it…and I want us to talk! I want to know everything! You have to let it out or it will eat you inside. We've made that mistake before, avoiding to talk. Let's not make it again. And don't be mad at Birkhoff. He made it clear to me that he was Team Alex or something. And I also kind of forced him to tell me what happened.

Team what? What teams? There are no teams here! We're all a team, Nikita!

I know that and he knows it, too. He's just worried about you, that's all. And he'll do anything to protect you, to make sure you won't have to deal with that kind of pain again. Apparently everybody thinks that I will hurt you again…I guess I understand them…but Alex, I made the choice to leave because there was no other choice at that moment for me. I was the most wanted woman in the world, Alex. And I don't speak about the authorities here. The real danger was and still is Amanda! You know that. I couldn't put you in Amanda's sights! I love you all too much and being responsible for your deaths is something I could have never lived with. It was on me to get to the bottom of this. So I did the only thing I could think of to protect all of you. I left. And as sorry as I am for disappointing and hurting you all so much and in so many different ways, I will never be sorry for choosing to protect you. I just hope you will be able to forgive me for that someday….

Nikita….look at me, Alex said lifting Nikita's head up. What you just said…I know it all…they all do…and it's not about forgiveness…but you said that our deaths would have been yoru death, too. That you couldn't stand knowing we were in danger. So what makes you think that we don't feel the same way about you? What makes you think that we would have survived your death? What makes you think Michael would've coped with your death better than you with his? What makes you think I would have been able to go on without you in my life? Don't you see? The need you feel to protect us, to keep us alive, it's the same for us, Nikita. Don't you think it's a little bit selfish to think that only you can care for us so deeply and we can't for you? Don't you know us by now? We are here for you, the same way you would be for any of us. We're in this fight together, there is no other way…Alex said with such warmth in her voice, that it broke Nikita's heart all over again. When she saved Alex from her miserable life, she never in a million years would have imagined that the girl would become such a huge, vital part of her life.

Oh, Alex…..I just…..what you are saying, I hear it now, I see that you're right. But at the time, leaving seemed the best choice…the ONLY choice….

I know…in the spur of the moment I would have probably done the same thing…I don't know…..I'm not blaming or judging you, I just want you to understand that you are not alone anymore in this life. You haven't been alone since the day you saved me from Ronnie…and I can't be who I am without you in my life, Nikita.

Oh, Alex….I know that…I really, really do! And I love you for that, so, so much!

I love you, too!

Nikita and Alex hugged each other, needing to feel reconnected again. It's been too long since they had a talk like that and it felt good, liberating, the way it should be.

And since this seems to be the moment of truth, Nikita said pulling back and looking Alex in the eyes, could we please talk about you, after I left? I really need to know Alex. I need to be here for you, even if it's three months too late. You need to talk, trust me!

Nikita, please, all I want is to just have this one day before I head back to Mumbai. I want to enjoy this day, to enjoy you being back in one piece and not in a body bag. I am happy and I want to stay that way even if for just a few hours. I am asking you to, please, do this for me. We will talk, I promise, but not right now. And you know…you kind of owe me one…for leaving me all bruised and battered, Alex said with a mischievous look on her face.

Alex, you are killing me, you know, Nikita said laughing. Okay, I'll let this go for now, but remember, you promised. And I never forget a promise. We will talk if it's the last thing I'll do in this life!

Ok, ok, sensei! Point taken! We'll talk! But right now, we eat! I am staaaarving and you know how I get when I'm hungry.

Ouch, yeah, I know! And besides, I am quite hungry myself. Let's go grab something. Assuming there is anything in that fridge other than Red Bull and more Red Bull!

Oh, God, I'm scared now. How Birkhoff can survive only on that I'll never know.

Right? Amanda doesn't need to kill him, he's doing it just fine by himself!

Laughter filled now the huge space of their new home quarters. For anyone who didn't know what was happening, Nikita and Alex would be just two friends, travelling in style and going to grab lunch. And in that moment, they were just that. No Amanda, The Shop or the whole world on their tracks. Just them!