Thanks for all the reviews!

So weird thinking that Sirius once didn't know about Voldemort and the war and things O.O

TODAY IS THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF ME BEGINNING THIS FIC!

WOOOOOO!

And we've hit 100,000+ words too so that's also really awesome!

Lots of reason to celebrate (*wink wink* and leave reviews *wink wink*) today!

"Love me or hate me, both are in my favour. If you love me, I'll always be in your heart… if you hate me, I'll always be in your mind."

–William Shakespeare

Chapter Forty-Six:

I set the mug down on the blood-stained table, a single candle burnt between us and I clasped my hands around the steaming tea.

There was a heavy silence hanging in the air.

Sirius breathed deeply, "Okay, so let me get this straight: you overheard a meeting you shouldn't have and Dumbledore told you not to tell anybody. So naturally you went and told Prongs. You two started piecing together the life of a guy called Tom who prefers to be call Volde-something,"

"Voldemort," I corrected.

He nodded, "Yeah, that who keeps in killing muggle-borns because he feels like it. You went on holidays and you became the godmother to your nephew who is also a wizard and also a metamorphmagus. You came back, and James had told Evens. Together they set up this place, which is quite impressive by the way – but seriously let's face it, Prongs telling her was just another scheme to her in her pants. You three watched the meeting, recorded everything. Remus somehow found out, and decided entry into the Super-Secret Club of Secrecy, which people seem to be finding out about quite regularly in this story. Then the three of you genius decided it would be a great idea to follow the Order or Exotic Birds who were following… what're they called?"

"Death Eaters,"

"That's a really stupid name… anyway; you stalked the elder brother of my ex-girlfriend but eventually got captured by my evil cousin and her crazy-eyed, tongue-flicking sidekick,"

I interjected again, "I actually think it was the other way around…"

Sirius grimaced, "Either way, I hate my family. She tortured you and used your arm as a doodle board of prejudice because they thought you were a werewolf. Potter and Evens rescued you from bleeding to death or worse. Remus nursed you back to health. You saw Andi and had a panic attack because she looked like Bella. Today you found out that you're all screwed but are still going to continue fighting in a secret war that is slowly becoming not-so-entirely-secret," he looked to me with a bemused expression, "Is that correct?"

I nodded with a shrug, "Basically, but I think you can see why I've been stressed lately,"

"Ha, yeah, quite possibly," he sorted bitterly, leaning back on his chair, "Well, I think you're all completely and utterly insane and that this entire operation is doomed and that you're all probably going to die,"

There was a pause.

"You know I'm so in on this, right?" he looked to me with a smirk.

I groaned, "Somehow I knew you were going to say that…"

"Is there anything else I don't know?" he questioned in all seriousness.

I thought for a moment, "Andi is pregnant, so Alice and I helped her and Ted elope a few hours ago…"

"You're kidding right? The bastard knocked up my cousin?" he looked positively murderous.

"They're long gone," I smirked, "You're taking all this surprisingly well; I suspected you're drama-queen out on me,"

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, "I am not a drama-queen,"

Shrugging I said, "Well, I owe Prongs five quid, and Remus ten,"

"Why?"

"James thought that when you eventually found out it'd be my doing, I didn't back it since, well, we weren't the best of friends at the time. Remus said you'd be calm, I thought you be really pissed off," I explained and he sent me an 'I am so done with my friends' look.

"Well, for the record, I am pissed that I was kept in the dark for so long… but I can't really blame you," he smiled forgivingly.

"I was trying to protect you," I whispered quietly.

He pulled me unto a tight hug, and I nested my head into the crook of his neck, "I know," he murmured into my hair.

We stayed that way for a while, clinging to each other in the madness until we couldn't hold on any longer and our arms fell to our sides. So, with a small smile, I reached a hand up and ruffled his hair, "It's good to have you back, Padfoot," I spoke wistfully.

"You too, Vixen, you too," he grinned.

And somehow, I knew I was forgiven.

Sitting in class, impatiently taping my fingers on the desk, I stared longingly at the clock as the last few minutes of Transfiguration ticked away on the clock, not fast enough for my liking. Having completed my work ages ago, I sat slumped in boredom – the empty feeling in my stomach causing irritation as a doodled nonsense across my school work.

Hope blossomed in my heart as Professor McGonagall stood, closing her book, "As it's lunchtime, you're all dismissed," she spoke with pursed lips as people exchanged grins and began packing away their things. I heard James and Sirius cry with joy, shoving everything into their bags. The three of us were the first to the door.

"Excuse me, Miss O'Conner, I'd like to see you please," the Professor called as I was almost out the door, following the boys.

James and Sirius gave me panicked looks and I winced – we all knew it was coming.

'Good luck' Padfoot mouthed as I ducked back into the classroom and approached her desk.

"Yes, Professor?" I spoke smoothly, remaining calm.

She smiled wryly, "I wanted to steak to you about your extracurricular activities, and you behaviour recently,"

Oh shit I'm so done – they might as well begin digging my gave, I thought to myself feeling my heart beat faster.

Still, I remained calm, "What do you mean, Professor?"

She gathered the notes on her desk while she spoke, "I've noticed a dramatic drop in your grades since the holidays, and not showing up to Quidditch practises. Now I know that you're doing fine in my class, but given we're studding human transfiguration, I'd expect you to be getting much higher grades. Many teachers have reported you having unsubmitted work and as Head of Gryffindor that really won't do,"

I felt myself relax for a few moments, but then stiffen again at the new thoughts. I had neglected my studies quite severely this year, especially in recent months, and it'd been getting to me. I've never been a prized student, but I've never been a bad one either. Now it seems I'd sunken to a new academic low.

"And after your… episode… I just wonder if you're all right," McGonagall looked to me with worried eyes.

I shrugged with a tight smile, "I'm okay, I guess. Just been struggling with some personal things recently… but I'm alright now. I-I'll try to be a better student from now on,"

She pursed her lips, "Well I guess anything is an improvement, you may go, I won't keep you from lunch any longer,"

"Thank you, Professor," I smiled.

Before I left she called after me, "But if you miss any more training sessions it's a month's worth of detention!"

I chuckled, murmuring "Will do," to myself as I decided to dump my books in my dorm before heading to lunch.

As I walked down the hallway I felt slightly better, knowing that the whispers weren't all about me. The student body seemed to have forgotten about my panic attack on the eve of Andi and Ted's mysterious disappearance. The first few days my friends and I had been bombarded with questions – Alice especially – to which we claimed not to know anything.

We were all pulled in for questioning one by one, standing outside of Dumbledore's office, faces confused and slightly distressed. At least people like James, Remus and Frank had no cue – Alice had looked like a complete wreak, and I probably no better. But together the group of us (some liars, some not) managed to convince the teachers that we all had absolutely no idea where the couple was.

Aside from a few hissed words from some bitter Slytherin's wanting to know where their Quidditch Captain had run off to, we escaped the fiasco relatively unscathed. However, no word had been heard from the young lovers as yet, but Alice promised to inform me the moment they do.

So far I'd heard a million rumours, everything from 'they were kidnapped by centaurs and the school is trying to cover it up' to 'it's all a lie and they're really being held in the dungeons by Professor O'Sullivan' who was known as the less than wretched old spinster who taught Arithmancy.

I thudded with heavy footsteps up the stairs and barged into my dorm room, seeing the quiet girl from the last bed jump slightly, eyes darting to me over the pages of her book.

She sent me a meek smile as I threw my Transfiguration textbooks onto my bed; in the corner of my eye I caught my dishevelled state in the faint reflection of the window. I didn't know why I could never remain neat – something was always spilt down the front of my white shirt, paint staining my grey skirt. My robes were crumpled and sewn where I'd torn them in the past. My tie was lose, one sock up and the other down, bangs falling into my face from the lose bun of curly auburn hair held together by my wand.

But despite all this, I smiled at myself. It was the best I'd looked in weeks. There was no bags under my eyes, I wasn't cradling injuries or desperately trying to hide mental trauma from everybody else. Stress lines were gone, as were the scars etched up my arm, hidden under my morphing. I still could feel them there under my skin, but at least I didn't need to look at the painful reminders of the worst thing I'd ever experienced in my life.

Hell, I was even friends with Sirius again! Something that'd improved my moodiness by a grand degree. Being able to talk with him again was like lifting a ginormous weight off my shoulders.

With that positive thought in mind, I felt the dorm and headed towards the Great Hall where I scouted for my friends.

The boys looked to me with worried and questioning eyes, but my smile as I approached the table reassured them everything was fine and the conversation continued.

Frank looked as if he was about to bite somebody's head off, "Puddlemere United are not going to win the cup, I swear to Godric you're an idiot sometimes, James…"

Alice rolled her eyes at her boyfriend, sending me a welcoming smile as I sat beside her.

"Right, because the Heidelberg Harriers are so much better," he snapped back.

Frank scowled, "Well, yeah, they are! Thank you!"

"I was being sarcastic!" James exclaimed but it descended into a frustrated groan.

I laughed at the bickering boys, "Personally, I think the Ballycastle Bats are in for a good year,"

Remus nodded along, however he wasn't such a devoted supporter, he did favour them over Puddlemore and the Harriers.

The two ignored me and continued bickering, so I left them alone with a roll of the eyes.

"So what'd Minnie say?" Sirius asked with a mouthful of food.

I shrugged nonchalant, "Not much, my grades are just falling a bit behind, is all. She was checking up,"

Sirius looked as if he was going to say something else when suddenly James turned back to us, a certain fierceness in his eyes, "Also, don't forget that there's Quidditch training tonight. I booked the pitch for tonight for three hours – you're okay for that right? Riley?"

I nodded, with a grin. It'd been a good while since our last intense Quidditch training session and it'd be great to get back up on the broom. Looking out the window, I hoped that the overcast weather wouldn't turn to rain. Or at the very least, a storm.

Sopping wet and grinning madly the Gryffindor team headed inside, trekking muddy foot prints up the dorm room stairs. Marlene and Hestia headed to the bathroom, taking the first showers as I stumbled into my dorm room, stripping myself of my soaked kit.

One girl wrinkled up her nose, "Must you keep that in here? It stinks up our room! Other people live here too you know,"

I scowled and turned, "How about you just fucking deal with it, princess, or would you rather us lose to Hufflepuff next game?"

She pursed her lips and muttered, "I guess I'll just do my homework down stairs,"

"Yeah. You go do that," I eyed her with daggers as she left the room, books clutched in her arms.

Lily watched the conversation with a bemused expression, "Must you pick a fight every time?" she sighed.

"Yup," I nodded with a mischievous grin.

"Sometimes I really wonder how you actually managed to survive this dorm room for six years. We all literally want to kill you," she spoke bluntly but there was a certain brightness in her emerald eyes that showed kindness.

I shrugged, "I don't really care, they're funny to irritate. So were you back before, well… everything,"

She folded her arms across her chest and chuckled, "The joy you take from other peoples suffering sometimes really astounds me sometimes, continuously have to remind myself that you're a decent person,"

"S'not my problem what others believe. I think I'm brilliant, and that's what counts" I winked, grabbing a towel, an old shirt that smelled alright and a pair of boxers.

"I noticed," she smirked.

And with that, I headed out the door and into the girls bathroom, immersing myself under the steaming water so hot it almost scalded my skin. I seemed to lose myself in time as the constant stream of water washed away the dirt and grime, but also served as a pleasurable anaesthetic, numbing my brain and rushing thoughts like a wash board in the mind.

Sometime later I stepped out, dripping and clean, feeling fresh as I dried myself and pulled on my pyjamas and a baggy hoodie.

Just before I was about to leave, I heard voices talking. Recognising them to be my dorm mates, I grinned.

"Ugh, I can't stand her!" the one I pissed of earlier said – Annabelle I think her name was.

The other agreed, "Yeah, she acts like she's queen of the world being a metamorphmagus and all, but she's really just a half-breed with serious issues,"

"I heard from Lizzie in Ravenclaw whose sister is in her Astronomy class. She said that O'Conner totally flipped out at Andromeda Black – and now she's gone, run off with that Ted guy. I mean, c'mon. There has to be a link!" Annabelle exclaimed and I cringed.

"Yeah, I heard she was on some muggle psychedelics or whatever," my dorm mate spoke, acid rolling of the tongue.

"Really? Somebody told me she had a panic attack or whatever, like a Post-Traumatic Stress sorta thing – still a freak though," Annabelle laughed.

It was at that moment where I decided to walk out; the two girls looked at me liked stunned mullets. I smiled maliciously, "Oh, don't mind me. Continue you're bitching, it's quite entertaining. I find it quite flattering and endearing how much time you spend obsessing over me,"

"Flattering? Are you crazy?" Annabelle tried to form words.

"It would seem so. William Shakespeare did say 'Love me or hate me, both are in my favour. If you love me I'll always be in your heart, if you hate me I'll always be on your mind',"

And with that I turned on my heel and left the steamy bathroom, feeling molten glares burning into my back between my shoulder blades. I'd spent a lifetime dealing with bullies, and the one thing they hate most is complete and utter indifference.

But the best part?

Earlier I put piss-yellow hair dye in their shampoo.

I felt all my bones snap like feeble twigs and flesh bubble as white hot flames burned me from within.

And she cackled.

"How much fun are we having, sweetie?" she sang as my skin peeled away, maggots worming their way through my muscle tissue, and nails ripped from their rightful place.

"We're having fun aren't we?" she giggled.

I felt the pain all in a single moment that seemed a lifetime long. A pain like fire, and ice, and smelted metal being poured into my skull.

And those crazed eyes, so dark, I could never forget.

And that laugh, so gleeful, it rang in my ears like a haunting song.

I gasped, jolting upwards suddenly in a sweaty mess of tangled sheets. My heart thudded in my chest and I could feel blood rushing in my ears.

Panting, I reached for the glass of water beside my bed and realised there wasn't one. Cursing myself, I decided to take a walk to the kitchens. To clear my head and lower my pulse rate.

Slipping out of bed, feet hitting the cold stone floor I grabbed my wand and the Marauders Map (which I'd yet to return) from my bedside table before heading downstairs and out of the Common Room.

"Lumos," I whispered as I made my way towards the kitchens, making sure there were no teachers wandering around. I wasn't completely clear on the time, but I guessed it to be somewhere around two or three in the morning.

Everything was so dark and still that even the slightest of sounds felt like it'd wake the castle.

Eventually though I made it to the kitchens, and so trying not to awaken the elves from slumber, I fixed myself a pot of tea. Sitting quietly on the bench as the kettle brewed, looking over the map. As far as I could tell, I was alone in wandering the castle, the only ones awake being a few Ravenclaws' pacing in their Common Room.

Soon enough, with mug in hand and Marauders Map tucked under my arm, I set off to wander. Hogwarts was just so massive – almost infinite. There is always more to explore and more to find. There's a thousand rooms and a thousand passageways yet to explore, and so with stubborn determination and caffeine running through my veins, I set off.

Unsure of how many rooms I'm passed through or corridors I'd walked. It was beginning to look the same as I stood at the crossroads – two doors; one wooden and old with a rusting brass handle and other door carved and elegant with silver adornments.

Of course, I chose the old one. Secrets are always held in the eldest of places.

Holding my wand out in front of me I entered the dusty room. It was practically empty aside from a few stacked chairs and a large structure covered by a white sheet.

Clutching the fabric in one hand I pulled it off in one swooping action that ended in a coughing fit because of all the dust invading my lungs.

Standing up straight before the grand mirror, I ran a finger down the side, reading the inscription of 'Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi' across the top in gold.

Mesmerised, I used my sleeve to wipe away the fog, but saw a silvery version of myself smiling back. It took a few moments to realise she wasn't really my reflection. This girl was elder and… lighter. Happier. She was laughing.

On her arm were scars though, scrawled into the skin.

I held mine out, smooth and pale. Hiding the torture.

I could see James, Lily and Remus standing behind me, and Sirius beside me fingers entwined with mine.

"Miss O'Conner I do not believe these are the hours to be gazing into the Mirror of Erised," a soft voice spoke and I nearly jumped out of my skin in shock as Dumbledore stood behind me, "It's quite troublesome this mirror, I'm constantly relocating it,"

"S-sorry Professor," I looked to him wide-eyed, "What exactly is this mirror for, though?"

He smiled, "Why? What do you see?"

"I see me, happy with my friends. Older, alive," I spoke simply, not realising the mistake.

He sent me a questioning look, "Alive?"

I shrug, "You never know what the future holds,"

"Very true. You know, the Order came across the strangest of things earlier this evening. Metamorphmagus blood in the cellar of a Death Eater base…"

Slightly taken back by his open mention of the Order, I covered it up and remained cool and calm, replying, "That is interesting,"

"But I believe the strangest of all, was the traces of wolf DNA too… very specific blood, I'd say," he looked at me pointedly.

I nodded, "I'd agree, quite strange indeed,"

"Riley, do you remember what I told you all those months ago?" he asked me in a gentle tone.

"You told me that bravery and fearlessness are not the same thing," I spoke off the top of my head.

He nodded with a small smile, questioning again, "And what are your thoughts now?"

I smiled warmly at the professor and answered simply and truthfully.

"I am absolutely terrified,"

PLEASE REVIEW!

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT'S THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

But I wonder what her deepest desire is? Hmm, I guess you'll all have to wait and see for what it all means!

I'm always so cryptic…