Chapter 9: Used Doll, Broken Toy

Warnings: Language, mention of rape

Shizuo sighed.

"Why do I have to do it...?"

He was carrying a small bag along with a glass of water. Shinra had told him to bring the food to a 'certain someone' instead because he had "business". Probably just dozing off to Celty, that perverted doctor.

It was later on the day- now afternoon- and time just wanted to mock him. Taking its sweet time other than yesterday which the sun was running through the sky. Just do whatever he can and he'll be be free.

He sighed again putting his hand upon the doorknob and twisting it. Shizuo walked in looking down at Izaya who looked like he was deep in thought but jumped slightly.

He leaned back watching the blond squat in front of him and set the bag and the filled glass upon the floor. Izaya gave a glare the same way as Shizuo beamed back at Izaya; annoyed, don't want to be bothered by each other's presence. The room was slightly lit by the window but the drapes were pulled across.

For at least a good couple of seconds or maybe even a minute of their stare-down, glaring at each other with the deadly intent that did not go unnoticed, Shizuo broke the visual link and reached for the bag he had set down.

"It's from Russia Sushi."

"Shinra said this would help, saying you love this stuff." He said while taking out the food present in the bag. Even though he was focusing on fixing the plate he could feel eyes heavily staring him down. He didn't have to look in order to know, Izaya was watching him. No, not really watching, was it more like... observering?

Shizuo raised the plate nonchalantly to the raven awaiting for him to react. Izaya just eyed the plate like it was of something foreign or poisoned. Knowing something like this he might as well have poisoned it...

"It's Otoro, so just eat flea." Izaya stared even more at the brute before him, turning his head to the side and pushing Shizuo's arm away from him.

"Not hungry." Izaya said while peaking a glance at the blond. "Not hungry? You haven't eaten since yesterday!"

"And you're fucking lying again...!" Shizuo spat behind closed teeth, fists clenched. He raised the plate over again only to be rejected by Izaya's pale hand pushing it away once more.

It had to be this annoying- it's always annoying when it comes to this idiot! It was like a mere tug of war game. Shizuo would try to push anything on Izaya while Izaya did the opposite; pulling away from it.

Even in a safe place like this, the man who believed he was untouchable always felt a wave of anxiety and danger everywhere.

"Maybe because I don't want you here, hm?" Izaya smirked.

He knew what the bastard wanted. He wanted him to lose control and eventually get kicked out. It was so hard for Shizuo to keep his control with his wrath busting down his sanity. The opportunity was right there; jump upon and strangle that pest. It took almost all he had, his hand was squeezing the plate but seemed to be resisting. He kept his cool.

The blond raised the plate of food towards the raven once again while batting an eye.

"I don't care. Eat, or I'll shove it down your throat." The threatening tone didn't go unnoticed making Izaya shoot daggers back. Threatening; angry, he didn't care. As long as no one was present during this moment of anxiety, he'd be better.

"Fine, if it makes you so happ- what are you doing...?"

Shizuo was holding a piece of Otoro to Izaya's mouth. "What else does it look like? I'm feeding you." He sighed once more.

"If it's by your hands then I shouldn't. Besides, how do I know if Shizu-chan didn't poison it? Shizu-chan really is a moron."

"Shut up and eat already."

With a small grunt from Shizuo, Izaya mumbled a little "Fine..." before opening his mouth slightly. Shizuo brought the piece to Izaya slowly making him lean forward. Izaya took a bite from the piece and just looked away from the blond's view.

It wasn't as bad as either of them thought but it was embarrassing. The man who loved humans and believed he was a God, higher than them, now being fed by a monster. And a monster feeding the so called God like he was tamed... It was truly embarrassing, or rather, close to the impossible.

Everytime Shizuo brought another piece to Izaya's lips, it was giving a feeling that they could get use to. It wasn't all too bad. Not like getting shot, hit by a train, slamming into the floor- not any of that. It felt decent. It felt genuine. How could such a feeling come from two enemies close together?

Just when he was about to pick another piece from the plate, there were no more pieces. Relief settled within him, but under the relief there was another feeling he couldn't point. Not necessarily anger, not happiness. He might have felt relieved that this embarrassing time of life was over but the relief never glazed or flashed in his eyes.

"There's no more. Are you happy now?" Shizuo breathed out. "I don't know if I'm happy that Shizu-chan did something embarrassing and leaving or disgusted that I was fed by Shizu-chan's hands." Crimson eyes flashed as a small grin tugged his lips upward. "Yeah, I don't want to do this with you either."

"Oh but Shizu-chan had the opportunity to shove his fingers down my throat and suffocate me! Too bad he missed it." Izaya placed a hand on his neck tracing it downward slowly while Shizuo just glared with confusion and annoyance.

"But that would be too exciting and suggestive, now wouldn't it, Shizu-chan?" If he could have treasured that scene right here, he would. Shizuo was practically grunting, but the way Izaya was acting threw him into a face of slight surprise. "The fuck are you talking about?" He growled. Izaya's grin grew wider. "You know, shoving things down my throat to kill me, or rather," His glare intensified towards Shizuo.

"make things even more explicit?"

His voice was seductive and smooth. As that grin on his face grew even more wider and carried malice, Shizuo was pretty much as red as a tomato. Izaya was just teasing. Nothing more than a pest.

"What the fuck are you getting at?" He hissed. He always knew Izaya was a tease that would do shit. His anger was strong but his calm nature kept him from lashing out and grabbing his victim before him by the hem of his shirt.

All the raven did was chuckle and say "Nothing. I thought that's what Shizu-chan wanted. To kill me in the most painful or humiliating way, or maybe even both, hm?"

"I don't have time to talk to a louse like you." And with that, Shizuo got onto his feet and marching out of the door not caring about the heat that rose to his cheeks. The door slightly slammed as Shizuo closed it.

So much for "bonding" like Shinra said. He could still remember exactly what they had discussed earlier.

...

"And he lost someone."

"Lost someone?" He asked as confusion took over his tone. "Yes. He never said particularly, but whatever happened or whoever he lost, it scared him to death." Shinra looked down as a sad smile formed upon his face only to have a frown replace it.

Kishitani Shinra was Orihara Izaya's friend.

Kishitani Shinra is Orihara Izaya's friend.

Close or not, Shinra still cared for his friend. The feeling of sadness and sentiment would never leave him. Not as long as his friend suffered from something he could not cure him from.

"Listen Shizuo," he said lifting his head to meet Shizuo's gaze-

"I don't care if you don't want to or you can't stand him. You need to start bonding and getting to know him."

"He might be a bother at times, but that's because he has nobody to cling to. He might even act in strange ways just to hide something or get you away from him..."

He took a step forward until he was right in front of Shizuo glaring into his honey eyes with determination flashing within them.

"He's more sensitive than you realize. Remember that."

"You have no idea what he's endured. So please..."

...

"Whatever. Like I care."

...

Izaya exhaled the air he was holding in. The door had closed and he was left alone in the room yet again. He finally got what he wanted; to be alone, let it all out.

Orihara Izaya was scared. Scared of what might happen.

'Impure'

Scared of when it will happen again...

'Forced upon'

The memories still haunted to no end. No matter what he did or would do, the nightmares would not cease. They would remind him of his disgraced being.

His hands were pinned and tied down. Clothes shredded and only his jacket remained unaltered.

"You're going to like this." A voice of a man chuckled.

"Give me the knife, I'm going to mark what's ours."

I'm not yours...

"LEAVE HIM ALONE! STOP IT! Please!"

"Oi, someone shut that guy up!"

Lips hovered above his ear as seething warm breathe that smelled of rot blew into it.

"I'm gonna fuck you in half til ya bleed, Orihara."

Eyes widen but tried to cover it up with a facade of immunity.

A-AAGH! H-Hurts!

"So tight... why don't you scream for me, darling?"

He held it in. Each thrust, cut, slap. He would never scream for them. Never.

"Come on, scream, you bitch!"

"Hey boss, lookie here!" The other man grasped a hand full of black hair and lifted him rather harshly.

"Look at this punk ass bitch crying!" He laughed. They laughed.

Stop... I said stop!

"Darling here doesn't wanna scream, but yet cry? As long as I see that pathetic face tormented in pain and fear, I'll never stop!"

S-STOP IT!

Blood. So much blood. Not from only his cuts and bruises.

When would it stop? He couldn't feel anything anymore.

"Fuck-! So damn tight I'm surprised you're not a girl! You feel so good inside! Hahaha!"

Just... stop...

"You're only a used doll."

He felt the seething white pain strike his back as something was being carved onto him.

"A broken toy."

That man was carving something on his back, painting it red.

"LEAVE IZAYA ALONE!"

A door opened. Izaya didn't realize he was shivering and gripping his shoulders like he had a death grip. The door that opened was enough to scare him straight out of his bedding, but did not since he saw none other than Shinra.

He had closed the door gently and brought himself before Izaya. Izaya could tell, Shinra saw. He saw him shivering, cradling himself. Crimson eyes could no longer look at hazel ones from the stigma he carried.

"It's gotten worse, hasn't it?"

Izaya didn't answer. He only held onto his arms and squeezed. "Izaya please, talk to me." He pleaded while reaching his hand out to meet Izaya's.

He was izaya's friend. He was worried sick for him. How badly he prayed to the God's to help him, never let what happened to him come again. Gray eyes filled with worry squeezed shut at the thought of never seeing his friend the same way ever again. Shinra kept his hand close to Izaya's until he moved it very slowly to take Izaya's hand but the raven's hand was trembling. Izaya slightly moved his hand away from the unknown touch.

"Please Izaya. I want to help you."

He hated seeing Izaya like this. Hated it from the very bottom of his soul.

"I wish I could, Shinra. I wish I could..."

"Then please tell me how I can help! It's gotten worse and that can't be allowed to carry on!" Shinra begged for the life of him. If it was Celty be would go all out to find the bastards who've done it, but this was a different story.

A different person.

"You of all people know that if I could get rid of this, I would've done it a long time ago."

"But why don't you tell me? Is there anything I can do?"

"Why are you so afraid of telling me?"

Izaya's shoulders tensed as he squeezed his arms so hard that his knuckles were turning a ghostly white. Shinra felt like he was drowning in guilt, but Izaya?

He was drowning in fear.

"This has happened for the second time, Izaya."

"We're all here to help you. Please don't bottle up everything and try to deal with it yourself!"

Silence greeted Shinra's desperate need like it was taping his mouth shut. Izaya wouldn't respond like he used to. He wasn't the same Shinra once knew him as.

That once brittle shelled heart had shared a weak spot to the wrong people. And they shattered it into pieces.

He wanted to find who ever did this, and make them pay. If he could only remember their faces.

"Alright, I see. I guess I'll just get to checking your wounds."

Izaya was still looking the opposite way as if his friend never existed or was never there, but he slowly nodded and stopped clenching his arms.

"I'll be careful, okay?"

"Yeah, I know."

Shinra began taking out some fresh new bandages and disinfectant while Izaya proceeded to take his shirt off.

The seen that was presented in front of the doctor was not at all pleasant. Very faint bruises were all on his sides and trailed downward to his pants. Deep cuts that looked like it was caused by a knife still remained intact, but they were healing. Why did some look new or at least not healing at a reasonable pace?

Just the sight of it made Shinra's stomach twist. Why did he have to endure such suffering? Why did Izaya have to? He was a prick, yes, but having this done upon him was crossing the line. Izaya must have been strong, strong to withstand it and still keep the shattered pieces of his pride to fend off for himself.

Shinra leaned closer and examined the bandages, removing them as careful as he could not to hurt his patient. He could tell by the tip of his tongue that it still hurt Izaya. He was trying to show that it didn't hurt but Shinra knew because of his light cringes and flinchings.

He pressed some disinfectant upon the old wounds earning whimpers and yelps from Izaya.

This was just horrible.

And then his hazel eyes picked it up. He had never seen it before, but it was faint and deep.

Shinra cringed with unsustainable fury, fists clenched until his knuckles camouflaged to white.

'Used Doll'

'Broken Toy'

Written in it's sloppy Kanji. He didn't know how but he managed to catch and bottle his flaming anger. Shinra couldn't believe this. No way in hell, God almighty.

The misery ate away at his heart as he bandaged Izaya's wounds, gently as he could manage.

Izaya finally turned to Shinra and gave a smile spilling with melancholy. "I understand how upset you are. And I appreciate it."

"It's not your fault, Shinra."

"Izaya, you might not think so, but the truth is that it is my fault."

Shinra halted at the door.

"Thank you."

Although he knew his ears heard right, he felt guilt tear him apart.

A thank you to the person he should hate.

He should hate Kishitani Shinra.

"I'm sorry... Izaya."

He whispered before storming out of the room and through the door.