22
It took Hawke three days to turn up at The Hanged Man. It had been the longest that Isabela had gone without seeing her for over a year. She missed her, and it was a very uncomfortable feeling. She had made a mistake, and had let this go too far. She didn't want love, or a relationship, or anything that would tie her down. She needed to be free. More importantly, she needed to free Hawke. She knew that now.
"Hello Isabela, you look pretty today. How are you?" Hawke asked, standing beside her lover at the bar, maintaining a short distance.
Isabela didn't look up from her drink. "Hello, Hawke. I'm well, thank you."
Hawke leaned a bit closer. "Can I ask what happened the other day? You'd left before I'd finished making your porridge, and my mother was looking particularly pleased with herself. She has certain... ideas, about how my life should go. Most of them involve involve me spending the rest of my 20's being pregnant. She didn't… say anything to you, did she?"
The truth bubbled in the back of Isabela's mind, but she kept it to herself. Leandra was the last of Hawke's family, and Isabela refused to take that away from her. She gave a dismissive wave. "You know me, Hawke. I'm not the sort of girl that you bring home to meet Mummy. I have no interest in family brunches."
"I know. I wasn't trying to force anything, I just thought you might be hungry. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. " Isabela knew she'd hurt Hawke's feelings, and felt a surge of guilt. "I would've come by sooner, but I thought you might've wanted some space, was I right?" Hawke continued.
Isabela nodded and hazarded a quick glance at her lover's face. "Yes, I do like my space. Actually, I was hoping for a lot more of it. I've enjoyed the last few days, without your constant visits."
Hawke's face dropped and she swallowed hard, before she gathered herself and brought a polite smile to her lips. "It seems that I have misjudged the situation again. I… didn't realise I was forcing my company on you. I apologise for disturbing you. I'll… just leave now."
Isabela grabbed at Hawke's hand as she turned away. Hawke paused, and turned her face in Isabela's direction, but kept her eyes downcast. Isabela pulled Hawke back, so that they were only a few inches apart.
"Maybe we could have a little bit less space, just for right now?" Isabela whispered in her ear, reaching around her waist and drawing Hawke's body into her own. One more time, to say goodbye. It can't hurt…
Hawke nodded rigidly, and followed Isabela to her room.
She was completely sober, with every sense ringing in clarity. She was determined to drink in every moment. She kissed Hawke so slowly and softly that Hawke looked at her in confusion.
Slow and gentle was Hawke's style, rough and passionate was Isabela's. They usually hit the perfect middle ground, working together with a mixture of tender ferocity. It had become as natural to them as breathing, anticipating each other's movements and desires. But today was different. Hawke couldn't read what Isabela was looking for, and all Isabela wanted to do was get lost in the mage's body, one last time.
Isabela tipped her over the bed. She kissed Hawke deeply, running her fingers through her long hair. Her hands moved slowly, gently caressing the tender skin, paying special attention to the parts that she knew Hawke was the most sensitive. She broke away and kissed Hawke's neck and nibbled her earlobe, watching as the mage's bosoms started heaving enticingly in her low cut robes. This is when Isabela would normally take a shortcut, pulling the dress undone impatiently or skipping the formalities altogether and lifting the skirt. But she was determined to take her time, if, for no other reason, than to avoid the inevitable.
Hawke was shifting beneath her, staring at her in a mixture of eagerness and uncertainty. She propped herself up and started undoing her own robes, before Isabela's hand stopped her.
"What's wrong?" Hawke asked quietly, her blue eyes flicking between Isabela's.
"I just want to take my time, sweet thing. We have all afternoon."
Hawke hesitated, the look in her eyes saying that she didn't fully believe Isabela. Smart girl, Isabela thought sadly to herself, she's got good instincts.
She returned her lips to Hawke's mouth. Hawke had eaten something delicious before coming to the tavern, and Isabela delighted in the flavour of the younger woman's lips and tongue. Her fingers nimbly worked on the buttons on the back of Hawke's robes, and she slid the fabric off Hawke's shoulders one at a time. She kissed and sucked her way along Hawke's collarbone. Hawke tried to slide a hand up Isabela's thigh, but the pirate caught it and brought it above Hawke's head, linking their fingers while she kissed her body.
Her own arousal was reaching critical levels, as was Hawke's, who was breathing heavily and quivering. Isabela pulled the rest of the dress down and dumped it in a heap on the floor, letting Hawke's full breasts spill out. She went to hook a finger in Hawke's pantyline, only to find them conspicuously missing. She looked at the mage in confusion. Hawke would never walk from Hightown to Lowtown without her undergarments on. Hawke gave her a sheepish smile, revealing the pair of undergarments that she was holding in her spare hand. "You were taking too long…" she muttered quietly as Isabela chuckled.
Isabela slid her hand between Hawke's legs and found her slippery with anticipation. She glided two fingers inside of her while her thumb worked on Hawke's sensitive spot. She brought her lips down to Hawke's left breast where she drew a hardened nipple into her mouth. She was rewarded almost instantly with loud, girlish moans and a pair of soft thighs crushing her hand.
She looked down at Hawke in amazement. "Already? I know I'm good but…"
Hawke looked at her with wide eyes. "I couldn't help it. You've just spent the last 20 minutes teasing me…"
Isabela gave her a smile. "It's okay. I'm just getting started."
She moved her mouth down and replaced her thumb with her tongue. Hawke's back arched dramatically at the new sensation. Isabela sucked and licked slowly, increasing the pace as Hawke's legs started to tremble. Hawke clamped her thighs down again, and Isabela laughed softly, watching as the mage's second orgasm rolled on top of the first.
Hawke reached desperately for Isabela, trying to grab a hold of some flesh or pull off an item of clothing, but Isabela grabbed her by the wrist and pinned her down again. Hawke exhaled in frustration, and shot another confused glance Isabela's. "What's going on? You haven't even taken your clothes off…"
Isabela slid her fingers out of Hawke's wetness and stood, slowly unlacing her tunic while the mage watched. They were 2-0, and Isabela was throbbing down below. She couldn't wait much longer. She crawled back on top of Hawke, who took both of Isabela's hips in her hands. Isabela was a lot stronger than Hawke, and when it came to a wrestling match, she always came out on top, but Hawke took her by surprise and managed to flip her onto her back. Hawke started to trail downwards with her mouth, but Isabela caught her. Hawke gave her a questioning look.
Isabela shrugged. "I want you to stay up here with me…"
"Okay then" Hawke said slowly. She knew that something was wrong, but she gave into her lover's request.
Hawke kissed her deeply and positioned their bodies against each other in the perfect way. She rocked her hips back and forth, and quickly found the rhythm that had them both moaning softly into each other's mouths. Their hands explored and touched each other, as the friction began to drive them to ecstasy. For the third time that day, Hawke called out to the Maker, as her and Isabela peaked in unison, in the synchronicity that only long time lovers know.
Hawke flopped down breathlessly, resting her head on Isabela's chest, listening to her heartbeat drumming. Their legs were still tangled, and they were both panting. Hawke's kiss, her breasts, her hair, her smell, her taste, her sounds; Isabela loved having having sex with this woman. She loved… her. She'd never felt such a strong connection to anyone, and her heart sank to think of what she was about to do. As if reading her mind, Hawke lifted her head and looked into Isabela's eyes.
"Is there something wrong? You seemed… different…" she whispered, looking into Isabela's face intently.
"I… suppose we should talk…" Isabela said, lightly sliding Hawke off of her so that they lay side by side.
Hawke turned to her side and propped her head up on her elbow, lightly drawing her fingernails across Isabela's chest. "You know that you can tell me anything."
Isabela looked at Hawke. Her cheeks were flushed, her hair was messy, her breasts were exposed. This was the way she wanted to remember her. She took a deep breath, and spoke before the courage left her. "Hawke... I think you're trying to complicate things. You and I… this was just rutting, it was just for fun. But, you're trying to bring feelings into it, aren't you?"
Hawke's eyes widened, sensing the trap that she'd just stepped into. "I'm… not going to answer this."
Isabela lifted the sheet over her chest, and focused on the ceiling. "Hawke, it's important. I need to know. Do you have feelings for me?"
Hawke sighed and rolled onto her back. "Why are you asking me this? You already know the answer. You've known it for a long time. Yes, I have feelings for you. Of course I do, look at you. But it doesn't need to change anything between us. I know you don't feel the same way about me, and I've accepted it."
I do feel the same way, that's the problem, Isabela thought angrily.
"No Hawke, it changes everything. It's not fair to you. I can never be what you want me to be. When my husband died, I swore I would never be tied down to anyone again. Not even you. I have had a lot of fun with you, sweet thing, but I can never be yours."
"I am 24 years old, Isabela. I am more than capable of making these decisions for myself. I've put up with this… arrangement, for years now. I've never once asked you to tie yourself to me. I would rather have this with you, than nothing at all."
"I get a say in this too, Hawke. It's not just your decision."
Hawke's jaw clenched. "Well it should be! I'm the one that's compromising here, that's missing out on getting what I really want from you, while you treat me like a fucking concubine!"
Isabela felt the tears well at Hawke's words, and quickly blinked them away. "You've just proved my point, Hawke. I won't let you waste the best years of your life on a compromise. I like you too much to do that."
Hawke covered her face with her hands. "Don't do this, Bela. Please. I swear, I won't ask for anything more from you. I don't care if you never hold my hand in public, or kiss me when I'm sick, or let me sleep beside you. This is enough. I promise, this is enough for me."
Isabela shook her head. "No, sweet thing, it's not. You're not like me. You shouldn't settle. You deserve somebody who can give you everything you need. Love is great, but it's not for me. It never will be."
Hawke let out a small sob. "I can't win this, can I? There's nothing I can say to change your mind?"
Isabela swallowed the lump in her throat, and willed her voice to remain steady. "No. There's nothing you can say. I think this has already gone on for too long."
Hawke sat up, and, for the first time in years, she dressed with her back to Isabela, deliberately trying to cover her nakedness. For some reason, that simple act made Isabela the saddest of all, that within the space of a two minute conversation, the bond they'd fostered over two years was gone. She pulled on her boots without bothering to lace them up, and didn't take the time to strap her staff into its holder, opting instead, to carry it loosely.
She paused at the door, with her hand on the knob. "I had thought… if I was patient…" she cleared her throat, "Never mind. I was obviously wrong. Goodbye, Bela."
Hawke's voice broke with emotion on the last word, and she hurried out of the room, never once looking at Isabela, who lay on the bed and let the hot tears sting her eyes.