A/N: Oh my god I am SORRY for this. Holy crap, the angst train just kept rolling on this one. I promise I will try to make the next chapter fluffier. The writing just kind of got away from me. I'm sorryyyyy. I still don't own Dragon Age.
"Hawke! There you are. I was starting to wonder if you'd gotten lost. Even Daisy beat you here," Varric greeted the mage enthusiastically, waving her over to the large table the group was at. As he noted Anders right behind her, the dwarf arched a brow. "Well now, what's all this? Hawke and Blondie both late and showing up together?"
"Coincidence and nothing more, Varric. Sorry to disappoint. There's no gossip to add to your story." Hawke replied swiftly, still smiling. Of course Varric had noticed the longing glances Anders gave her when he thought she wasn't looking. Andrastae's tits, everyone had noticed. This was her friendly but firm way of letting them know that it hadn't happened, it wasn't going to happen, and that the subject was closed.
"Gossip? I don't see why. Maybe Anders just lost his ball of twine and he had to borrow Hawke's." Merrill said, fixing the two mages with an innocent, doe-eyed stare as they took their seats.
Isabela snorted into her cup mid-drink, earning a withering glance from Aveline. "That sounds like the premise for a show they could put on back at the Pearl. See, it starts with this fellow who looks sort of like the King showing up at the door of the Lay Warden. And he says, "I seem to have misplaced my scabbard. Might you have one that could fit my blade?" And she says, "Perhaps I do, but I shall have to test the length of your weapon firs-mmmhhffhhh!" the dark-skinned woman was silenced as Hawke leaned over and clapped a hand over her mouth.
"Right then. Let's get down to business, shall we? I don't think things need to turn tawdry before noon." Hawke laughed, though this turned to a squeal of alarm as Isabela licked her palm in protest, causing the mage to yank her hand away, flapping it around like it was on fire. "Eugh!"
Expression one of sly triumph, Isabela went back to her drink, leaning back in her seat.
"You look possessed, flailing around like that." Varric said with a snicker, leveling his gaze on Hawke.
"She licked me!"
"You say that like it's surprising." Aveline's dry response was immediate.
Laughter echoed around the table then, with Hawke joining in the chorus. Her glance moved around the group and stilled as she met the dark, mossy eyes of the silent elf at the other side of the table. Her smile had never once faltered from her lips, but that look still pierced her somehow. Those dark, angled brows lifted just slightly, silently questioning her. Giving a tiny shake of her head, she looked quickly away.
It hurt to have to shut him out, but she definitely couldn't talk about her discussion with her mother in front of the others. And really, she would be doing him a favour by avoiding subjecting him to her whining.
"Right, well. First of all, I've counted up the coin saved up thus far, and we only need another four sovereigns—and some change, but that'll come easily enough." Varric said once everyone had calmed down.
Hawke nodded approvingly. "So it looks like I'll be on the lookout for a few more jobs, and then we'll be in good shape as far as the money is concerned."
"Excellent. Second order of business, the map which Blondie was nice enough to provide," Varric continued, unrolling the map and placing it on the table. A few cups and a plate were donated to the cause of holding down the edges, and everyone leaned in to look at the parchment. "I've been examining our entrances and I think the one next to Daisy's finger will be our best bet."
"Why's that?" asked Carver, glancing from the map to Varric.
"First of all, it's fairly close by. However, it's in a remote enough location that it's not like everyone and their uncle knows about it. See, I've done my research, and it looks as though the entrance is on the north side of Sundermount, and half-buried by a rockslide. So it'll take the workers a bit of digging to clear a path, but we'll be looking at a section of the Deep Roads that hasn't been picked clean already."
"That makes sense." Carver had to admit, settling back in his chair.
"Well thank you. It's good to know I've got the Junior Seal of Approval." Varric replied smugly, earning a scowl in response.
"So we've almost got the money, and we have our way in. What else is there to talk about?" Isabela asked, absently fussing with the buckle on one of her boots.
"Well, I'd like to kind of get an idea of who will be able and willing to come along with Varric and me." Hawke said, rising and looking around the table.
Aveline glanced up. "I'm afraid I can't go with you on this one. My duties are here."
The mage glanced down at the woman, placing a hand on Aveline's pauldron as she smiled. "I hadn't planned on trying to ask you along in the first place. Your job comes first, Guard Captain."
"Thank you, Hawke." Aveline said with a faint smile of her own.
"I'd be happy if I never saw the Deep Roads or another Darkspawn ever again, but if you need me to come along I will." Anders said.
Isabela shrugged. "I owe you one for all the help you've given me. Though if I do go with you, can we go ahead and call that debt squared?"
"Of course." Hawke chuckled.
"I know a bit about the Darkspawn. I've fought them before. I'd be happy to help." Merrill said cheerfully.
"Well I'm going." Carver said flatly.
Hawke opened her mouth to protest, then decided against denying him in front of the others. She'd have to talk to him when it was just them.
Fenris spoke up at last, quietly, his gaze never leaving Hawke's. She felt mesmerized by both his eyes and his voice. "I will go."
"Thank you all for being so willing to help," Hawke forced another smile as she found her voice. "However, I think we'll only have enough room for two more people given the travel arrangements, right Varric…?"
The dwarf nodded in response, continuing where she left off. "So we'll make that decision later."
Aveline pushed her chair back and stood. "I'll keep watching for jobs that the guards can't be called on to deal with," she said. "Let me know if you need anything."
"Thanks, Aveline." Hawke said, waving as the woman departed.
"Does anyone else have any business to discuss?" Varric asked, glancing around at his companions. He was met with shrugs and head-shakes. "Alright then. I guess we're all done here unless you'd like to stay for a few rounds of Diamondback."
"What? Why can't we play Wicked Grace?" Isabela cooed, resting an elbow on the table and propping her chin in her hand.
"Alright, we'll play Wicked Grace, but only because Rivaini asked so nicely. Who else is in?"
"I'll play!" Merrill chirped.
"Why not? I could use a break from running the clinic." Anders agreed.
Before Carver could respond, Hawke caught her brother's glance and nodded toward the door. "None for me today, thanks. Need to take care of some things."
"I ought to get going too." Carver said. They said their goodbyes and left the tavern. Once they were outside, Carver scowled at her as if he already knew what was coming. "Well?"
Hawke sighed wearily, pushing a hand through her auburn hair. "Carver, I'm sorry but I just can't bring you along on the expedition."
"Why not?!" he raged, indignant. "Wait, Mother put you up to this."
"She did, so you know there's no point in trying to argue with her." Hawke replied stiffly. Her easygoing demeanor from the tavern had vanished, and she could feel the edge creeping into her voice.
"But you don't have to listen to her! Maker knows you never listen to her when it doesn't suit you anyway!"
"I'm not bringing you along, Carver. You'll just have to deal with it."
"Right, like I've dealt with following in your shadow and doing everything you've said for my whole life." He scowled. They were both arguing furiously at this point, but quietly so as not to attract attention.
"Can you stop thinking about yourself for a minute and a half and consider Mother in all this?"
"Oh come on, you can't play that card on m-"
She cut him off, her voice sharp. "She told me she can't stand the idea of losing you. You're all she has left."
"That's a crock. What about you?"
"She can't stand losing you." Hawke asked coldly.
All at once Carver's expression changed, the wind taken out of his sails. He stuttered, fumbling for the right thing to say.
"So you can't come. I'll be sure to bring a fortune back for you two to enjoy. I'll leave it in an envelope or something, before I crawl off and make myself small in a corner." Not waiting for a response, Hawke spun on a heel and stormed off. She bit hard at her lower lip, she bit until she tasted blood, but it was all she could do to try and control the ugly torrent of emotions that was threatening to make an appearance.
Hawke had no idea where she was going. She was so angry she couldn't see straight, finally feeling the full brunt of the realization that she wasn't worth as much to her mother as Carver and Bethany. That she never would be.
As she rounded a corner, she nearly barreled into someone, though a pair of strong hands caught her, gripping at her shoulders. She glanced up and into the deep eyes of Fenris. Before she could even attempt to put on a smile and act like everything was fine, he shook his head.
In that instant, she knew he'd heard everything, that whole awful conversation she'd had with Carver.
Shame burned in her cheeks now, along with her anger and hurt. But the elf's expression didn't change, his brows slightly furrowed, lips quirked downward into a tiny frown. His left hand lifted almost cautiously, and he brushed the pad of his thumb along her bottom lip, that gentle touch wiping away the blood there from where she'd bitten her lip. That touch, that gesture, that kindness—it was too much. Hawke felt herself release a small, choked sound somewhere between a sob and a whimper.
Wordlessly, Fenris wrapped his arm protectively around her shoulders and guided her toward the steps that led to Hightown.