did you have to do this/i was thinking that you could be trusted/did you have to ruin what was shining and now it's all rusted/did you have to hit me where i'm weak/baby, i couldn't breathe/and rub it in so deep/salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me
did you think we'd be fine/still got scars on my back from your knife/so don't think it's in the past/these kinds of wounds/they last and they last/now did you think it all through/all these things will catch up to you/and time can heal/but this wont/so if you're coming my way/just don't
'cause baby, now we got bad blood
taylor swift - bad blood
You've barely reached the top of the stairs that lead down into the pits when you hear the faint sound of a horn, coming from the direction of the towering gates of Polis. You barely pay attention to it, so lost in your own thoughts of returning to your clan, though you do notice Indra's slight stiffening at your side as you pass through the gates and back into the streets of the city. You throw her a questioning look, but she doesn't even spare you a glance as she strides confidently down the alleyway, her hands clenched into fists at her sides.
You step out onto the main street, your eyes scanning the dirt and old cracked cement road thoughtlessly, noticing the people that are spilling out onto the street. Your spine becomes rigid beneath the multitude of eyes that land on you, but you keep your head held high as you walk towards the entrance of the city, ignoring the whispers that follow you.
Clarke, you hear them whisper your name, over and over as they watch you with a mixture of awe and fear. Klark kom Skaikru, Destroyer of the Maunon, Bringer of Death.
My legacy, you think bitterly. Death, death, death.
"Sky girl," Indra mutters into the silence between you, briefly catching your attention as you near the gates, where people are now crowded around the opening. You catch a glimpse of horses being led away in your peripheral vision, but you think nothing of it as you turn your head to meet the older woman's gaze.
She meets your eyes and the emotion in her dark orbs confuses you, a mixture of sympathy and pity. People are bumping into you from all sides and you stumble to a stop as a child slams hard into your knees and you tear your eyes away from Indra to look down. The young boy looks up at you with wide, almond colored eyes before muttering a quick apology and scrambling away. When you look up at Indra again, the older woman is no longer watching at you, but instead her eyes are focused intently on the gates.
That's when the noise that surrounds you begins to filter in and your entire body stiffens at the shouts that echo in your ears.
"Heda! Heda! Heda!"
You turn your head, feeling as if the world is moving in slow motion, and notice that the crowds of people that had been blocking your path have moved back to form two long lines of cheering walls on either side of the street. Your horrified gaze is unhindered as you look up the road, to find a small party striding quickly in your direction, with a regal figure in the lead.
The world tilts and spins and your breaths come hard and fast, and you were expecting this but it's still too soon, years too soon to see her again. You want to run; you want to run away as fast as your feet will carry you but you can't move. Your veins are filled with ice and your limbs are frozen in place and your heart is clenching so violently in your chest that you fear it might shatter at any moment.
The commander is moving closer and closer with every second that passes and you will your body to move, but it's unwilling and shit, you can just make out Lexa's face now as she glances in your direction. She's wearing a tight fitting pair of black leather pants with a loose black shirt, half covered by armor. Her sword is fitted in its sheath at her hip, where her hand rests casually on the pommel while the other reaches out to grasp the hands of her people that are welcoming her home. She is smiling, soft and warm and loving as she looks at her people and yet somehow restrained, like she doesn't want them to know it.
Love is weakness.
"Clarke." Indra's voice whispers, her use of your name enough to snap you from your staring as you turn to gaze at the woman beside you, who watches you with a hint of concern on her otherwise impassive features. Which is strange, so very strange, both the use of your name and the concern, but you're in no state of mind to consider it further.
She probably thinks you're about to have a mental break down in the middle of the street, which isn't so far from the truth, you think, but you won't. It's been six fucking years, and goddamnit, you have moved on.
(you haven't. you haven't moved on at all.)
"I'm fine," you manage to say, your voice hoarse and so strangled that it doesn't even sound human, as you feel your heart slamming in your chest, desperate to escape. Your stomach is twisting uncomfortably in your abdomen and when you close your eyes briefly, you see flashes of Lexa's face, eyes streaked with warpaint and blood covering every other inch of her.
You see bodies, burnt from radiation, mouths open in silent screams and eyes forever unseeing.
"Clarke." Indra hisses, a warning, causing your eyes to blink blearily open, just in time to watch as the warrior drops reverently to one knee, her head bowed in respect. "Heda."
"Indra." The voice is familiar and smooth, almost emotionless but for the hint of warmth that curls around the name. It pierces your very soul, leaving you frozen and unable to move for what feels like years, though in truth is only bare moments.
You turn your head slowly, feeling as if your skull weighs a thousand pounds, finally meeting the somewhat curious green gaze that is resting on you.
Double fuck, you manage to think, before your mind goes completely blank with the shock of standing there, in front of Lexa, after so many years.
Lexa looks almost exactly the same, all perfect high cheekbones and pouting pink lips, with no mark of time on her skin to show the years that have passed since you last saw her. It's been four years since you last caught a glimpse of her, in this very city, and another two since the night she betrayed you and she looks exactly the same.
There is no slump to her shoulders to show the weight of the world that she carries on her back, no visible scars that show the pain that has been inflicted upon her, no shadows in her eyes to show the things that haunt her. She stands tall and regal and so very beautiful, so fucking strong and it hurts because it's all so fucking unfair.
She is so unaffected and you, you are so very broken, still.
And Lexa is just staring at you, staring, staring, always staring at you, with her lips slightly parted and her green-so very green- eyes wide. She is a mirror image of what you imagine to be your own expression, blank except for the overwhelming shock that has turned your body to stone. She looks as if she's seen a ghost and you think it's not far from the truth.
You hear a familiar sharp voice speak inside your head, followed by the phantom smack from the flat of a blade against the back of your thighs, which finally forces you into motion.
"Remember your place, Clarke."
You give in to the shaking in your knees and let your legs collapse beneath you, dropping gracelessly to kneel in the middle of the road by Indra's silent form. You let your head drop forward in a show of respect, staring at the ground sightlessly. "Heda."
"Clarke?"
You feel surprisingly numb as you kneel on the ground, with a thousand gazes piercing you but only one that burns and burns and burns your skin. Lexa's shocked voice saying your name is enough to send an unpleasant shiver down your spine, but you repress it as you remain in your bowed position, unable to move. You don't really want to move, don't want to look up, don't want to face reality.
Don't want to face Lexa, who is standing a few feet away, still just staring at you.
You wonder where all your anger has gone, where that liquid fire that seems to constantly burn through your veins has disappeared to, replaced by this cold numbness. God, you want to be angry, you should be furious, but you don't feel anything except for a hollow ache in your chest where your heart used to be.
You hear more than feel Indra move beside you, followed by a surprisingly gentle hand hooking beneath your arm and pulling you effortlessly to your feet. Your lock your knees into place for fear of falling and send a brief, grateful glance at Indra who is staring back at you silently. You honestly don't think you would have been able to stand on your own.
You turn your head back towards the Commander, almost taking a step backwards in surprise at the distance that has rapidly diminished between you. Lexa stands now within touching distance, her wide green eyes filling your vision as you hold her wondering gaze and you fight the urge to tear your eyes away from her intense stare.
(you remember days and nights passed in the confines of her tent, years ago, where personal space was a foreign concept between the two of you. you remember the heat of her body, trapped between yours and her desk. you remember the feeling of her warm breath on your neck as she looked at maps from over your shoulder. you remember her lips, so soft, so unexpectedly gentle, pressed against yours. you remember. you remember everything.
you forget for a moment that this is now and that was then and nothing is the same.)
Another phantom hand smacks sharply on the back of your head, followed by the same voice that had pushed you into action earlier. "Remember your place, Clarke. Act accordingly to your position."
"Commander." You finally manage to choke out the title, sticking out your arm in short, mechanical movements. Lexa looks torn between throttling you and embracing you and you are grateful when instead she slowly reaches forward to grip your forearm in the way of her people.
You try to ignore the almost painful shock of electricity that courses up your arm at the contact. You grit your teeth against it and drop the hold as soon as respectfully possible.
"Clarke of the Sky People," Lexa murmurs reverently, causing that small shiver down your spine, part nostalgia, part pure rage for the way the woman's lips form your name. Like no time has passed, like this is an everyday occurrence, like she never left you at the bottom of a mountain to die.
Thoughts of the mountain are enough to slide your walls efficiently back into place and you feel your spine stiffening instinctually as your face becomes an emotionless mask. You remind yourself that you are no longer the girl that stood outside the mountain alone, remind yourself to lock those memories and thoughts back inside that box inside your chest, remind yourself that Lexa betrayed you. She betrayed you.
You remember that this is now and not back then and nothing is the same, especially you.
You're not the same and Lexa is nothing to you now; she's just a girl, the commander of the twelve clans, a married woman.
(not the girl that spoke so softly of her lost first love, not the girl you once trusted and whom trusted you in return, not the girl who would sometimes look at you so softly, like she wished she could be your whole world, not the girl who kissed you like you were hers.)
(not everyone, not you.)
(not yet. not yet. not yet.)
You wonder briefly if the Lexa that you used to know ever really existed at all.
"Heda." Indra says finally, still standing proud at your side, a godsend really. "There is urgent news from the coast."
Her words are enough to snap you back fully into consciousness, enough to finally tear your gaze from that of the commander's. You exchange a glance with Indra and nod your head in silent thanks.
"Does it require my attention immediately?" Lexa asks, and you can still see her in your peripheral vision, still staring at your profile intensely, as if afraid you'll disappear if she looks away. You would if you could, you think.
"Sha, Heda," Indra says, though her tone is somewhat apologetic as she glances between the two of you. "It is of utmost importance, I assure you."
"Very well," the commander says, as she finally takes her gaze off you to glance at her captain and you feel the breath that you didn't know you were holding slowly escape your lungs in the absence of her stare. "We will discuss it now, in the war room at my home. Will you join us, Clarke? There is much that I wish to discuss with you."
The words sound more like a command than an offer but you are resolute as you shake your head. "No. I'm not staying."
You can feel Lexa's gaze burning into you and it takes all of your effort to meet her slightly narrowed eyes. She seems to be considering what to say, and you want nothing more than to move past her and walk out of the gates, but your legs are still frozen in place.
"You should stay." It's Indra's voice that breaks the heavy silence, causing you to swing your head around to gaze disbelievingly at the other woman. She stares back at you unapologetically as she delivers her next words. "You know more information than I can provide on this matter and Heda will need every piece of information available to make a plan."
You narrow your eyes angrily at the dark skinned woman, receiving a thin smirk in response and you forget about every bit of gratefulness you felt for this woman since you entered the city.
"Come, Clarke." Lexa's says softly as she gestures for you to follow her towards the large white building that stands in the distance. "It seems that there is more for us to discuss than I thought."
You walk down the main street of Polis, a few steps behind Lexa with Indra striding at your side, silently seething.
You had known that this would happen, had prepared yourself to face the commander again after so many years. It had been expected and yet, when you had reached the gates only to hear that the commander wasn't in Polis, you had begun to hope. You had begun to hope for the first time in days that you could put off your inevitable meeting with Lexa. You had known that it wasn't indefinite, that you would surely see her when she brought her army to the coast, but it was time, time that you so desperately needed.
And yet now here you are, your plans of a quick escape foiled by the commander's betraying captain.
It takes only a few minutes to reach the commander's home, minutes that pass by far too quickly for your liking, before the towering white building is looming above you. You watch as Lexa hurriedly climbs the white stone steps that lead to a large door, with Indra following behind her, but you pause as you reach the first step, hesitating.
"Clarke?" Lexa calls to you, her voice soft and questioning as she stands in front of the door, with her hand resting on the handle.
You shake your head, taking a step back from the building. "I can't."
Lexa raises an expressive eyebrow at your words and you fight the urge to stamp your foot at her confused expression.
"I can't go in there," you say again, your voice pleading, glancing to Indra, whose dark eyes widen in realization before narrowing.
"Saka," she whispers the name, her eyes now darting around the porch on which they stand, her hand tightening around the pommel of her sword, while Lexa continues to gaze confusedly.
"Saka?" Lexa questions, as if she doesn't know the woman of whom you speak, as if she isn't married to her, to the enemy. A frown mars her forehead as she glances from Indra before her eyes land heavily on you.
You fight the urge to roll your eyes and instead turn to Indra. "Indra, please. If she sees me..." You let your words trail off, feeling your fingers twitch at the thought of coming face to face with the Azgeda prisa.
"Heda," Indra finally murmurs, lowering her voice and stepping closer to the commander. "It would be unwise of us to speak of this inside your home. We must move this meeting to somewhere without prying ears."
Lexa doesn't understand, that much is obvious, since you've given her no reason to, but you have to be grateful for the way she nods without question and steps off the porch, leading you across the road to where a line of slightly larger buildings resides. She opens the door to one of them, moving inside and you follow behind her and into a sunlit room with Indra at your back.
The building turns out to be a library of sorts, with floor to ceiling bookshelves that line that walls and leave your mouth gaping. There is a long wooden table down the center of the room, which is filled with one other single occupant that looks up in surprise at your sudden entrance.
"Bants." Lexa commands sharply, sending the man scurrying from the room, with his head bowed, leaving a scattering of parchments behind on the table.
And then the room is silent, except for the sounds of three people breathing.
"Explain." Lexa says, spinning around to face you with her arms crossed over her armor encased chest. Her green eyes are slightly narrowed, and only narrow further when you share a silent glance with Indra. Lexa's face is expressionless as she stares at you but her eyes are filled with emotion as you meet her gaze evenly before tilting your head towards Indra. "Tell her."
"Heda," Indra turns to speak to the commander after giving you a reproachful look, though those green eyes never stray from your face. "The Sky princess arrived mere hours ago, sent here by command of Luna kom Floukru-"
"Luna?" The commander asks, turning her head rapidly to face Indra before turning her shocked gaze back to you. "You've been with Luna, all this time?"
You suddenly understood the furious look on the commanders face and closed your eyes briefly in remembrance. Ah, fuck.
You know that your people had searched for you after you left Camp Jaha, more than six years ago. You had heard whispers of the skaikru in the woods, searching for their leader, while you passed through villages like a ghost.
And the Skaikru hadn't been the only ones looking for you, you remember.
"Not all this time," you mutter, almost petulantly. "Only the past four years."
"Heda," Indra quickly cuts into the conversation, sensing the impending argument that was beginning to rise, if only from the look of anger and betrayal on the commander's face. "Clarke came to us with urgent news. The Floukru have been under attack for the entire winter and they are in need of our aid, immediately."
You watched as the commander's face tightens with anger, turning her head to face Indra with narrowing eyes. "What?"
"The city of the Boat People has been under siege for the past three months," you say, turning Lexa's shocked and angry gaze back onto yourself, unwillingly. "We have fought them off as best as we've been able, but our numbers dwindle while those of the enemy grow stronger. Luna sent me to request for your help, Commander."
Lexa's green eyes are wide with shock as she stares at you, before she slowly turns around and lays her hands flat on the table behind her. Minutes pass in silence as the commander stares down, unseeingly at the wooden surface beneath her hands before she finally speaks.
"Who?" She says softly, her back tense with anger. "Who attacks the coastal city?"
You glance at Indra who stands by your side, sharing a worried look before you look back at the commander's stiff form.
"Azgeda." Indra says.
"Ice Nation." You murmur.
You wish you felt no sympathy at the way Lexa's shoulders seem to crumble at the name.
The silence in the room is thick and heavy, threatening to suffocate you as you stare at Lexa's back. The other woman seems to crumble in on herself, even as her shoulders remain tense and her back rigid with the weight of all the worlds that she carries. You feel a moment of sympathy for her, for this new stab of betrayal that weighs on her so heavily, but it passes quickly at the thought of your own scars that you carry on your back.
Scars from the commander's knife.
"Indra." Lexa finally speaks, with her back still turned towards you. "Leave us."
The dark skinned woman doesn't hesitate, merely nodding her head before turning to leave the building. The door shuts quietly behind her, but the sound echoes in your head with a sense of foreboding as you are left alone with the commander.
"Why is it," Lexa begins softly, her voice so quiet that you unconsciously lean forward to hear it. "That I'm always faced with these kinds of choices where you are concerned, Clarke?"
Your back stiffens at the rhetorical questions and you clench your jaw, saying nothing, though you know that Lexa doesn't expect you to. The words stab at you, not unexpectedly, since you know what choice that Lexa is referring to and the choice she made still hurts, even after all this time.
(i made this choice with my head and not my heart. i'm sorry, clarke.)
"It's a hard decision," you finally say, your voice thick and loud in the thundering silence. Lexa actually laughs, laughs, at your words, and you don't think you've ever heard her laugh before, though there is no humor to the cold sound.
"A hard decision?" Lexa asks, disbelievingly, finally lifting her hands from the table and turning around to catch your gaze. "To choose between you and my wife?"
The way she is staring at you, always staring at you, feels like a knife to the gut, but you continue to stand tall as you hold her gaze evenly.
"No," you answer coldly, your voice like ice. "I am no part of this choice. It is between the floukru and azgeda you must choose."
It is not entirely truthful, since you consider the Boat People your own and while you are not exactly one of them, you are. But you know that Lexa has a hard choice to make, you know what you are asking from her on behalf of Luna and you know that none of this is easy. You won't hold her decision against her. Not this time.
"Are you sure it's azgeda?" Lexa finally asks, her voice almost a plea, begging you to deny it, but you can't.
"We are certain," you answer stiffly. "We captured many of their warriors and our means of confession were quite... persuasive. They follow the commands of Asha kom Azgeda."
You feel briefly sick at the remembrance of your blade carving through flesh, of screams ringing in your ears, but you push the thoughts away for another time. You did what you had to do.
"Your wife may not know of her mother's betrayal," you finally say, though you are unsure of why you offer the words, since you don't believe them yourself, and by the look on Lexa's face, neither does she.
The weight of Lexa's gaze is heavy on your skin as you glance around the room, wanting nothing more than to leave. You wish to return to the coast, back to your people and back to Luna, but you're waiting for an answer. You do not want to be here in this city, in this room with Lexa, the one person in the world that you had hoped you would never see again.
"I thought you were dead." Lexa's voice says softly, and it's enough to make you turn your head back to meet her surprisingly soft eyes. They run all over your face, as if memorizing every inch of it and it sends an unwelcome tingle through your limbs.
"I'm not," you reply, because what else is there to say? You could tell her about all the years in which you had wished that you were. You could tell her about all the nights you sat with the muzzle of your gun against your temple, unable to pull the trigger with your shaking fingers. You could tell her of the ghosts that followed you from the mountain, the ones that haunted you, day and night. You could tell her about all the times you cried, over the blood on your hands, over the people that you left behind, over Lexa, but you don't.
You had wanted to tell her all these things once, wanted her to know the pain that she caused you, the way you had nightmares about her leaving you on that mountain, for years. You wanted to tell her everything once, but not anymore.
"You have been with Luna," Lexa continues and it sounds just like the accusation you know it is.
"Yes," you answer simply, because you try not to lie anymore.
"You must hold much power over her if you made her disobey a direct command from her heda," Lexa murmurs almost casually, though the words and the meaning behind them are anything but. You bristle at the words, narrowing your eyes at the other woman.
"Luna merely respected my wishes," you say tightly, as you feel anger begin to bubble in your abdomen, so very welcome. You're used to feeling angry and you know the burn swirling in the pit of your stomach intimately. Hello, my old friend. "I did not want to be found."
Especially by you, the words are not spoken but they hang heavily in the air nonetheless.
"So you let your people think you dead?" Lexa questions sharply as her hand grips the pommel of her sword so tightly that her knuckles whiten in moments. "You let your own mother think you dead?"
It's too much. You snap.
"Don't you talk about her," you snarl, taking a menacing step towards the other woman, until you are so close you can feel her breath brush against your cheek. She's pressed between your body and the wooden table behind her and this moment is so familiar that it almost makes you lose your breath. "Don't you dare speak about my mother to me. She is alive because of me and it's no thanks to you, natrona."
Lexa looks as if you've slapped her, her jaw going slack at the jab before it clenches so hard the muscle bulges visibly in her jaw. "It has been six years since the Mountain, Clarke. The skaikru have forgiven me for the choice that I made in return for our returned alliance."
The news of the alliance between skaikru and trikru is not new to you, but it hurts all the same.
"Yeah," you mutter bitterly. "But I haven't."
Lexa merely sighs at your words, the fight seeming to drain from her body in a matter of moments, while you are left feeling battered and bruised by the brief verbal sparring. Her gaze is sad as she looks at you and it's too much, so you turn your head away, blinking against the unwelcome burn in your eyes.
Let it go, Luna's voice whispers in your mind. Stop fighting, Clarke.
You feel some of the tension leave your body as you unclench your fists, letting your shoulders droop beneath the heavy weight on your shoulders, if only for a moment.
"Make you choice, Commander," you finally say, turning away from the other woman and heading towards the door, needing to put some space between you. "I leave for the coast at nightfall."