A/N: Flanny and The Freak apologize for going a little long this chapter. We uh... got a little carried away. {winks}. Beta'd by Perrymaxwell. Pre-read by Twilover76. MANY THANKS.
Chapter 4 "Pudding Talk"
Bella POV
Alice agreed to meet me at Naked Lunch in Soho for an emergency dinner. I was already half way through my third Warsaw Mule when she finally fluttered in.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry," she huffed, pulling her skull cap off her head and shaking out her hair. She had a kinetic energy about her that I secretly coveted, the graceful way she immediately commanded the attention of a room.
"S'ok." I took a pull of my cocktail, draining the last bit of liquid from the ice. "I'm feeling a little less spastic than a couple hours ago."
"How did it go with Bloomberg?"
"Oh, fine," I said, waving my hand. "The accusations were completely false. It just created a shit storm of paperwork for the PD. Speaking of which...I sorta met someone."
Alice leaned forward, tenting her hands beneath her chin. "Does he work for Bloomberg?"
"Er, no. He's a cop." I squeezed my eyes shut as she responded with a resounding squeal.
"No way! Tell me everything."
"It kind of happened fast. I was on my way to Rose's party, and he just started talking to me." I took a deep breath and speared a piece of lettuce with my fork. "He's so gorgeous, Alice. Fuck me, I couldn't keep my hands out of his pants."
"Did he have a nice cock?"
I nodded, feeling my cheeks burn. "Perfect. Not too thick, but definitely not too thin. Good length . . . none of those weird veiny things."
The waiter cleared his throat; I hadn't noticed him approach the table. "Sorry to interrupt a nice cock description, but can I take your order?"
"Caviar blinis and a vodka martini with a twist." She passed him the menu, her eyes never leaving my face. "How long was it?"
"Alice!" I kicked her foot under the table.
"What, him?" She glanced up at our waiter, and for the first time I could ever recall, her entire face flushed. "Uh . . . you don't mind . . ."
"If you talk about dick in front of me?" He cocked his head and offered a lascivious grin. My gaydar exploded in a fit of sirens.
"Yeah. That's okay, right?"
Don't fall for him, Alice. He plays for the other team!
"Oh yeah," he drawled, and Alice kicked out a seat, seemingly transfixed by his face . . . which wasn't that bad if you were into blonds. "In fact, I'll buy your next round if you let me listen to the rest of this conversation. It's been so long since I've heard a nice cock description."
He's into pole! I screamed telepathically.
"Come on and join us for a couple minutes," she cooed, draping her hand over his shoulder. I glared at her. This was supposed to be my emergency dinner. Mine!
"Thanks. I'm Jasper, by the way." He held out his hand and she shook it.
"Alice." She grinned, lowering her eyes in a manner I could only describe as demure. Gah! She was totally flirting with our gay waiter. Did my previous relationship with Jake teach her nothing?
"So, Jasper . . . do you like cock?" I asked, jumping nearly a foot out of my chair as Alice dug the heel of her boot into my shin.
"Ah, well . . . sometimes." He grinned, his cheeks dimpling. I could almost hear Alice's inner squee - she had a dimple fetish. Particularly ass dimples. "But there's a hot girl at this table I just have to get to know better."
"Uh . . . which one of us?" She made her eyes wide while I stifled a snort.
"Oh my fuck," I muttered under my breath. "Jasper, Alice likes you. I think she'd be amenable to meeting with you after you get off tonight."
Alice shot daggers at me but nodded.
"I hope Alice agrees to meet with me before I get off," he sassed.
Ew. Like really, dude? That's your pick-up line? Then again, Edward had compared me to Bea Arthur and then mentioned coming on my face on our first non-date. Perhaps I wasn't the best judge of character.
Alice giggled, passing him her business card. "Call my cell after work. And as far as getting off... ladies first."
I pretended to pound my forehead against the table.
"He's cute, right?" She smiled, gloating as he walked away swaying his hips a little.
"Yeah, cute," I agreed. "But I think he might be a fireman short of a flaming closet."
Alice clicked her tongue in disapproval and stole a tomato off my plate. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
"Of course not." I blew out a frustrated sigh. "Can I tell you what happened now, or is there a busboy you'd like to hit on?"
"Go on. Tell me everything. So . . . we were talking about your dream guy's cock?"
"Yeah. Edward's cock is nice."
Alice spit out a mouthful of water. "Fucking, gross!"
"Excuse me?"
"Edward's my brother's name." She shook her head and muttered, "He thinks I'm too interested in his sex life and . . . holy shit! Did you say his name is Edward and he's a cop?"
"I thought your brother's name was Edgar?"
"What's his last name? Tell me you know his last name?" she whined, and I narrowed my eyes at her.
"Of course I do. Shit, I'm not a complete ho-bag. It's Masen."
She let out a long breath. "Well . . . I'm disappointed, but at least I didn't just get a description of my brother's dick."
"Thank god for small miracles," I agreed. "May I continue?"
"Please."
"So I went back to Edward's house for pudding and-"
"Excuse me?" She cackled, spitting water at me again. My entire shirt was soaked. "Pudding?"
I shrugged. "You know I like pudding. He wanted to take me somewhere, and I suggested going to his place for a pudding cup. That's not weird."
"It's a little weird, Bella. But you know that pudding cup sounds like code for something dirty, right?"
"Like what?"
"Oh, I don't know. Anal sex? Rimming? Something to do with the ass."
"He didn't touch my ass," I protested.
"Not even during sex? A little finger up the ass can be-"
"Ew! No!" I covered my ears. "I didn't sleep with him. I just gave him a handjob and ate his pudding."
"So you blew him?"
"No. The pudding isn't a euphemism." I balled up a napkin and threw it at her face. "Look, will you let me get to the weird part, already?"
She raised her eyebrows. "The pudding wasn't the weird part."
I shook my head. "No. It gets . . . weirder."
"Proceed."
"So I spent the night . . . I fell asleep before he did, and I think he slept on the couch."
"You think he did?"
"Yeah. Well, he was gone when I got up," I explained, raking my hands through my hair. "He did leave a note saying that he was glad to have met me and happy that I enjoyed the pudding."
A peal of laughter escaped her lips. "That's positively spastic."
"Alice," I squeaked, tears of hysterics rolling down my cheek.
"Tell me that was the weird part," she managed through her cackling.
"Heleftmefiftydollars," I slurred into my palm, averting eye contact.
"He let you feed his Dodge?"
I shook my head. "He left me . . ."
"Yes," she prompted. "He left you . . ."
"A fifty. Like, money." I cradled my head in my hands. "The fuck, Alice? Why would he do that?"
"Dude." She shook her head. "I have no clue. That's not normal. Did you ask him?"
"No . . . well, he asked me why I didn't take the money. At first I thought he was accusing me of embezzling because we were talking about the Bloomberg report. But later I realized he must've meant the fifty."
"Cab fare?"
"I guess. I mean, what else could it be?"
Jasper returned to the table with two electric blue shots. "Cock-sucking Cowboy for the ladies."
Alice tilted back her drink and said, "Maybe he was paying you for your services."
Edward POV
"So you've never heard of a Bella Cum-Swan around these parts?"
"Nope."
"Bella Cum?"
The mid-town pimp shook his head.
"Bella Pudding Cup?"
He eyeballed me.
"Bella…"
"I said no, asshole! Now get the fuck up out my territory before someone thinks I'm a damn narc or somethin'," Jane threatened, waving his blinged-out hand at me before collapsing his fingers into a fist.
Fucking Jane!
Caius Jane, to be exact. He was nothing. Just a pimp I'd given shit to a few times on my beat before. He strutted away, walking slightly bow-legged like his dick was too big for his pants. Good thing he didn't know my Bella. I might've had to kill the fucker.
It kinda amazed me how a dude who went by the name of Jane could have the rep for being such a bad ass, but hey, who was I to judge the inner workings of the hooker world?
Actually, as a cop, I suppose I had the right to reserve some sort of judgement.
I rubbed my temples, frustrated about the not-being-able-to-find-Bella thing. I mean, I guess I could have gone back over to HQ to see if she showed up there again, but then, I didn't really have a good excuse to be there, so it just would have raised suspicion where suspicion wasn't needed.
Instead of chasing down my only lead again, I tried calling Alice for the fifth time since she'd blown me off the night before.
This friend of hers was really starting to piss me off, and I'd never even met her.
Alice's voicemail greeted me once again, and I decided this time to leave her a message.
"Sis . . . You. Must. Call. Me," I told her, enunciating each word for dramatic effect. But I just couldn't take it anymore. Pervy or not, I had to vent to someone, and she was all I had.
"Dude, I met this girl the other night, and… shit. I don't know, it was… she's like… perfect, ya' know? I mean, she's not perfect perfect. She's a hhhh…" I stopped and looked around to make sure no nosy people were listening, then I lowered my voice a little, "hooker. And look, don't freak out, okay? I know it's fucked but…"
Beeeeeep!
"Shit! Shit shit shit."
I dialed her again, half hoping she'd answer this time so I wouldn't have to wait for the recording all over again, but… no such luck.
I tapped my thigh, impatient as I waited for Alice's voicemail prompt, and then started again, this time at warp speed. "Okay, so yes, she's a hooker. No, we didn't get caught. I don't know what the fuck to do though, Alice, because she's sweet, and sexy, and gives really good handjobs… pretend I didn't fucking say that… shit… anyway she fell asleep at my place the other night, and I had to go to work but left her fifty bucks, hoping that would cover the handjob, and then I saw her, Ali… I fucking saw her at HQ, and long story short, we're supposed to meet for coffee later, and I don't wanna lose my job but . . . fuck me, I don't know if I can stop seeing her."
I took a much needed breath and added, "Call me."
The rest of my day went by with absolutely no word from my sister, and it drove me completely insane. Did she get the message or not? And if she had, why wasn't she calling me back? Was she concocting some plan to get Bella out of the prostitution business? Was she debating turning me in? I mean, Alice loved me and all, but she was also very by the book.
I was still thinking about it - wondering why I hadn't heard from my sister - when Bella walked up on me as I waited outside my apartment building.
She must have had the night off because the hair looked like it did at the Commissioner's office the day before, and her make-up was barely there at all. The smile that spread across her lips as she approached put me a little more at ease . . . Who was I kidding? I was shaking in my boots, not just from first date jitters, but from genuine fear that someone would see me out with her.
"Hey," she said.
"Your hair flattens out nicely," I greeted like a schmuck.
She laughed. "Uh . . . I have absolutely no idea how to reply to that. You ready to go? Or would you prefer to begin with a solemn oath that you won't cum on my face?"
"Unless you ask me to," I joked, taking her hand. We walked in silence the rest of the way to the coffee shop.
I don't know about Bella, but I was thinking about how our "relationship" got off to the weirdest start, how she reminded me nothing of Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, and how I didn't have nearly enough money to make her feel like she could leave a life of what was probably bringing her a steady stream of cash..
Once we entered the coffee place, Bella broke the silence. And my insane inner ramblings.
"Um, I'm gonna hit the ladies' room real quick. Order me something sweet if I'm not back before you get up to the cash register, kay?"
"Sure."
I watched her go 'til I couldn't see her anymore, and when I was no longer distracted by her ass, I fell into a tailspin. What the fuck did I get myself into? In an act of pure desperation, I attempted calling Alice again. I almost left a message for her to tell Mom and Dad I loved them and that I was sorry... before I was carted off to jail for solicitation.
No, for real.
Because while I had a nervous break down in line, no less than five cops from my precinct walked in.
Stay calm, you've done nothing wrong.
As far as they know.
"Hey, Cullen, what's the word, buddy?"
I smiled and nodded a short polite greeting to them and then looked away, hoping they'd just... leave.
Stand your ground... it's all going to be... oh... kay.
"Rough week, right?" another one asked, probably because I was sweating bullets.
When they see Bella walk out and join me, I am a dead man.
Dead man walking!
"So what brings you out at night? Don't you usually..."
Don't I usually what? Stay home and cry? Masturbate? Masturbate while crying?
Seriously, words were coming out of his mouth, but I could hear nothing but my own thoughts telling me to just run! Before I could make a break for it, Bella appeared back in line with me.
Shit and fuck and shit again...
"Hey! Bella!" Emmett McCarty, a bear of a cop, sung, and my brow furrowed a little.
He knows her?
Oh shit. He knows her!
"Hey, guys. You better not be on the clock," she said sarcastically, and they all laughed at some inside joke that better not have been an all-the-way-inside joke.
"You hangin' out with Edward here, huh?" McCarty clapped me on the shoulder and shook me playfully while he winked. But I wasn't laughing. I wanted to puke. "Lowering your standards lately?" he teased, and I laughed off of pure adrenalin. I swore to God I was about to pass out, but then they all finally left, chuckling and patting each other on the backs.
Bella waved. "See ya 'round, guys!"
I was... dumbfounded that they were as blatant as they had been. I looked over at Bella for some guidance in this situation, who was giggling and shaking her head at the men. We managed to order our drinks and sit down somehow, but she's finally noticed I was staring like an imbecile.
"What's wrong?" she asked, with this... crazy cockeyed innocence, like we hadn't just had a run in with the law.
So I pushed my coffee off to the side to let it cool down a bit and leaned toward her, whispering, "How..."
I couldn't say it, so Bella just smiled, encouraging me to continue. "How...?"
The sparkle in her eyes was crazy beautiful. I couldn't for the life of me understand how she ended up wasting her life away. Not that it mattered anymore since I was planning on saving her from herself and from the life she'd led up to that point. But I was curious.
"How many cops do you... you know..."
"What?"
And did she really not get what I was trying to say here?
Maybe she just liked to see me squirm.
"Spit it out, Edward," she told me as she took a drink of her hot chocolate.
Or maybe she was just worried someone would over hear us, I thought... so I broke into code.
"How many cops do you... know, exactly?"
"Oh!" she laughed, and it was like music. I loved her laugh so fucking much.
"Lots," she said, and then rolled her eyes sarcastically. "Too many to count, ya know what I mean?" And had I not just taken a big ass sip of my coffee, it might not have ended up all over Bella's shirt when I lost my shit.
"Jesus, Edward, when I said to spit it out, I didn't exactly mean for you to …. you know, actually spit it out."
"Shit, Bella, I am... so sorry." I made to help her wipe the coffee off, but really, it was fucking coffee... and it was not coming out.
She was laughing her ass off, which made me laugh despite the fact that I'd just uncovered this huge ring of cops who hired hookers for their own sick fantastical desires, and before I knew it, I was a little more comfortable than I had been since she showed up in front of my building.
I know. Ironic.
Then suddenly I was a little worried about what these assholes did with Bella when they "hung out".
"You don't um... eat those guys' pudding, too... do you?"
"Pudding?" she asked, wiping at the front of her shirt to try and get the stain out.
"Yeah, you know..."
She finally gave up on the shirt, interrupting my next question as she threw her hands up in defeat at the dreaded coffee stain. "Guess you owe me a shirt," she teased, and I couldn't even begin to hide the grin her words caused, or the dick they hardened.
While she made a flippant comment about something I couldn't focus on... because of, you know, the hard on, I finally got the fucker to go down, and when I felt like it was safe, I stood and offered my hand to Bella.. "Wanna take these to go?"
She smiled.
"I mean, what's left of them anyway."
She smiled bigger and took my hand.
The coffees were discarded and we were outta there.
It was darker outside, and I was a little more at ease. Honestly, because people don't generally pay attention to anyone else they might pass by at night. They're too busy trying to avoid eye contact and get to a safer place than to look at someone's face and just say "hi".
The funny thing was, they should be paying more attention. It really helped us cops out when a crime was committed so we could get a good description of the perp; however, in this particular case, I was glad they weren't looking.
And I was too busy looking at Bella as she talked about what she liked to do, where she grew up, and the places she'd like to go sometime to notice anyone else. So in the end, it was a win win situation.
We got back to my apartment building, and I didn't know what to say. What to do. I wanted to kiss her. I mean, I really wanted to kiss her, and then some... but after the way I acted like an idiot at HQ and the way she seemed so offended at me leaving her a fifty for the other night... I had no clue how to proceed.
Until she took my hand in hers and swung it out between the two of us.
I was trying to figure her out. How she could be so... ridiculously cute and innocent and be a hooker... when she said, "Gonna ask me up to see your Chips sheets again, Romeo?"
I dipped my head a little and smiled. "Those are really just my backup sheets. The Starsky and Hutch ones were in the wash."
Bella laughed and then took a deep breath before just staring up at me, waiting.
I finally got my mouth to work. "You wanna come up, Bella Cum-Swan?"
She nodded in this super sexy, bashful kinda way, and then we did it, went up to my apartment, that is. And man, the tension was thick. It was sexual. At least I was pretty sure it was sexual, based on the fact that Bella eyed me like a piece of candy while chewing on that bottom lip of hers, and my dick was hardening again.
Other than that, though, it was a perfectly non-sexual moment.
I couldn't think.
I was hard as a rock with the cutest hooker in all the world in my apartment, and I couldn't fucking think of a single thing to say, so, I decided to see if she wanted some pudding.
Pudding had been good to us so far.
"You wanna..."
I barely got the words out before Bella's lips were on mine. She crashed into me so hard; it knocked me backwards onto the couch, and I pulled her down with me.
No way I was letting her go.
Everything moved kinda fast after that. Bella's hands were in my jeans, my hands were in my jeans, then her legs hitched up so she was straddling me, and I lifted her cappuccino stained shirt off of her while she wiggled her way out of her jeans.
She murmured something about tasting my pudding while she trailed hot kisses against my neck, and I choked when her hands wrapped themselves around my dick.
"Fuck."
Her tits were beautiful. I hadn't gotten a great look the other night, but now... they were right there, and they were... beautiful.
"I want you, Bella."
"I know. I want you, too."
"I mean, really want this, but..."
She pulled back a little. "But what?"
"I mean, I don't have the cash to..."
"Edward, if you don't stop offering me cash, I'm going to knee you in the groin and call it a night. I'm a big girl; I can afford my way around."
Damn, she really wasn't gonna charge me.
That had to mean something, right?
Right?
I nodded. "I'm sorry. That was stupid," I told her and then pulled her back down on top of me to kiss her.
Her tongue was warm and soft, and fuck I wanted it on my dick. I wanted it all the fuck around my dick. Up to the top and down to the nitty gritty.
"You sure you wanna do this?" I asked because, you know... no means no.
"I'm sure," she whispered into my ear, so I pulled my jeans off the rest of the way and kicked them out of the way, letting my hands find her legs on the way back up, then her thighs, finally settling on her hips.
She looked down at me, hair dangling around her, tickling my chest, and she smiled. Her hand reached down between us and cupped my balls, and my eyes rolled back, because it felt so... fucking good to have her hands on me again.
Then I made a confession. "I didn't think I'd see you again."
She dipped down to kiss me on the lips before telling me, "Me either."
Fuck, her hands... I mentioned they felt great, right? They were so soft, so perfectly perfect and professional. She was extremely... professional.
"Shit."
"You like?"
"Oh, I likey. I likey a lot," I told her, moving my hands down between the two of us as well to find her already wet and ready.
She hummed and rocked her hips against my fingers, and I pushed a couple inside of her, then decided to just watch her for a minute before moving forward with anything else.
She mesmerized me.
"Edward."
"Yes, Bella?"
Another finger and the humming turned to slight groans. "That feels really good."
And my hips mighta rocked a little themselves at that point.
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "Mmmm hmmmm."
"Want me to keep going?"
"No."
I scowled a little. "No?"
She moaned a soft "no" sound, and I thought, shit... maybe she's having second thoughts.
That's when I realized she had something else in mind.
Once her hand was no longer on my dick, she took my hands and put them on her hips. "I want your cock."
And fuck. Me.
"Jesus."
Talk about not beating around the bush...
She smirked, moving to adjust herself better. Her hand found my dick again, and she teased me with her mouth - the one found at the entrance to her pussy.
"Bella."
She simply hummed again in answer.
"You might have a premature ejaculation on your hands if you keep this up. You know that, right?"
Bella giggled and then didn't torment me any longer.
She settled herself down onto me, taking every inch with a little roll at the end just to make her point clear.
That she was definitely not having second thoughts about what was happening.
"A perfect fit." She groaned, biting my shoulder.
No shit! I grabbed at her hips, pulling her over me again and again, trying to think about disgusting shit like that movie The Human Centipede (thank you, Netflix) or Alice naked, so I wouldn't blow my load.
"You're not gay at all," she cried, making this breathy, squeaking sound.
"Not unless I have a pussy, baby," I agreed.
"Oh, shit . . ."
"Fuck!"
"I'm . . ."
"Can you?"
"Yes!"
"I'm gonna . . ."
"Come!"
"Cum!"
She collapsed against my chest and proceeded to snore softly.
I laughed and shook her. "You haven't even had your pudding yet."
"Oh, I had my pudding, all right," she mumbled, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Time for bed.
It was early.
And I mean, it was... fucking early when there was this loud as all get out knock at my door, and I fumbled out of bed and across the apartment to answer it before whoever the hell it was woke Bella.
Just as I pulled the door open, though, she was behind me, asking who in the world knocked on doors at six a.m., and I grinned because she had my Starsky and Hutch top sheet wrapped around her like a toga.
That was when I finished opening the door, to see the answer to her question standing before us.
"Jesus Christ, seriously?" I muttered.
I only wanted her to answer my phone calls, not give me a wake up call.
"Oh, good, I see you two have finally figured it out," Alice said with this knowing smirk playing across her face, and I was confused.
"What?" The fuck?
"What are you talking about, Alice? How did you even know I was here?" Bella asked, and I was in the middle of making sense out of my sister's sentence still when I realized what Bella just said.
"You know Alice?"
She pulled her chin back a little. "You know Alice?"
"How do you know Alice?" I asked, and then the devil herself made a disgusted noise, and we both looked over at her.
She cocked an eyebrow and shook her head before gesticulating and speaking slowly, like we didn't understand English.
"Bella... this is my brother... Edward Cullen. The cop..." Then she looked to me. "Edward, this Bella... Bella Swan. My friend from college, who's definitely not a hooker."
A/N: HEY HEY HEY! Penal Code is up for "Fic of the Week" over at The Lemonade Stand this week along with a bunch of other fantastic stories! Go vote! The poll closes tonight! www (dot) tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com.
THANKS FOR READING!