A/N: Flanny & The Freak cannot express how giddy it makes us that you all love these two as much as we do. Thank you for laughing with us (and crying, in some cases).

Thanks to Twilover76 for her pre-reads and to JaspersDestiny, Plummy (check out her amazing fic Love in Idleness) and jkane180 for beta'ing. Perrymaxwell is absent and missed in this chapter, but you should also check out her story Unrequited.

The Freak: Jo's deepest apologies for the play on words in this week's title. I accept full responsibility and promise a better one next time.

Flan: Love the title! It's so awful that it's brilliant. Kind of like fake vomit or that moose that poops chocolate jelly beans.

Penal Code Chapter 7

Pudding Your Heart on the Line

"Did you just say...?"

Did she just say boyfriend?

"You heard that, right?" I asked the receptionist. She looked up at me like I was a fucking lunatic as all Hell broke loose around us.

A blur of movement passed by in my periphery, and I turned to see it was Bella... and "Tanya-the-Hooker" sailing through the air. Bella's hands grasped at Tanya's over-sized hoop earrings, and the woman's face contorted to reflect her shock and awe. It was just like one of those slo-mo scenes from an action movie - muffled voices and all.

Shit.

They landed with a loud ummmph! and Bella was thrown off of the big-haired-hooker. People backed away, clearly in shock at the scene transpiring in front of them, as my girl jumped back up onto her feet, and pounced again, ready for more jewelry-pulling.

"Gate hare away from me!" the woman screamed in an odd, Russian-Jamaican accent.

"I don't think so!" Bella yelled back as she slapped her.

Tanya struck back, barely missing Bella's cheek with her claw-like talons. And fuck, my girl was a sight to behold, ducking and swinging, her hair flying wildly around her. The crowd of innocent bystanders let out a collective gasp.

"Ooooh!"

"Bella!" I screamed, and she stopped attacking for just long enough to glare up at me.

"I'm busy," she snapped as her fingernails grazed Tanya's arm.

The Bohemian shrieked. "Jure dead, little wooman. Game... ovar... I keeeel you now."

"You have stupid hair!" Bella screamed out like a war cry and hurled her small frame at Tanya again. This time, she knocked the Amazon right out of her alligator skin boots.

"I'm sorry," I interrupted, still somehow more interested in what Bella had proclaimed than the fact that she was acting out some sort of weird Rocky Balboa moment with this lunatic. "Did you really just say that...?"

"Ju weel pay for dose leetel person! Ju cannot have my boots!" Tanya screamed as she stalked back. Bella ducked and spun like a tiny tornado, evading Tanya's grasp.

"Ha! You couldn't pay me to w..."

Bella became momentarily struck by her own words. Her eyes shifted toward me quickly then back to the actual hooker in the room. "Never mind," she said, and then went for the throat. That's when I decided it was best to step in.

"Get... off of me!" she wailed when I grabbed her around the waist. I had a pretty good hold on her and wasn't letting go this time.

"I'm your boyfriend?" I grinned, giving Bella a nice strong tug. With my arms wrapped securely around her, I effectively pulled her off of the hooker, though she squealed and kicked her legs wildly.

Some blue uniforms rushed over to take care of controlling the banshee that wanted to hurt my Bella. I hadn't even noticed who one of them was – or realized that he even worked that precinct – until he said something to me.

"Dude!" Emmett exclaimed, as he slapped cuffs around Tanya's wrists. On some crazy level, I was glad to see the guy. "The fuck? What's going on, Cullen?"

"Bella called me her 'boyfriend'," I explained.

"Jore geerlfriend ees crazy."

"She's totally crazy," I confirmed, looking down at the most beautiful whack job in all of history.

"I'm not – I mean, I didn't..." she kind of sobbed. I realized I still had my arms around her.

"It's okay," I told her, loosening my grip so I could push her hair out of her face. She struggled, turning around to face me.

"It's not even remotely okay, Edward. I mean... I don't even... I'm really fucking confused right now. And I think I might've just had a psychotic episode. Clearly, this is all your fault."

I smiled like an idiot. "Clearly."

"I'm not a hooker."

I nearly laughed. I mean... I was still swooning over the fact that she'd just gotten into a cat fight over me. No one had ever fought over me before - except for that one time in middle school when Alice attacked the class bully for calling me "gay" on the playground.

Not the same thing.

"I know that," I told her.

"I'm..."

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Bella."

I damn near beamed, my back straightening and my dick hardening with pride, as we stood there, staring at each other for a few moments. Emmett and a couple other cops ushered Tanya into another holding area; Bella's eyes seemed weary, and I couldn't get a good read on whether she was actually beginning to forgive me or not.

I started to say something when a familiar voice boomed throughout the room.

"What in the hell is going on in here?"

"Commissioner Swan, sir," Rose Hale addressed him, and it was really the first time I noticed just how many people had gathered around the commotion.

My eyes locked on Bella's. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I hadn't exactly expected to be so close to her when I arrived this morning. Based on the look she gave me, and the rush of blood that colored her cheeks, I'm pretty sure my boner was poking her in the ribs.

That's when Commissioner Swan noticed her – and the shape she was in. I really hoped he hadn't noticed I was practically dry-humping her.

"Bella?"

"C-commissioner." Bella's face drained of color as her father stalked toward us. "I was..."

"What on God's green Earth are you doing fighting with a... " He waved his hand, almost as though he was against saying the word all together.

"Hooker," a few of us said for him.

The sound of that particular word seemed to have adverse affects on Bella, and she pushed herself out of my arms, distancing us in front of the entire precinct.

My dick wilted.

"Hooker," he repeated, tapping his toe and staring at his daughter.

As she tried to regain her composure, my chest tightened, and in my mind, I tried to explain away the shitball of fucked-upness I'd somehow landed her in... yet again. The words never made it past my mouth.

"I'm having a bit of a day," she said, chewing on her lip.

"Uh huh." Bella's father eyed me suspiciously. "And I presume you have a good reason for assaulting that prostitute?"

"She was touching something that didn't belong to her." Bella bowed her head.

"Uh huh," Commissioner Swan repeated. "And what would that be?"

"Yeah, that would be me," I announced, raising my hand only to lower it again under his judgmental gaze. He narrowed his eyes and made a scornful noise, his mustached bristling like an angry caterpillar.

"You belong to my daughter?"

"Well, I'm working on it, sir."

"Hmph."

"No, no... I just mean that..."

"Commissioner... Dad. Edward and I - "

"Hold the phone." His brow knit together into a deep crease. "Isabella, why is your boyfriend hanging around with a hooker?"

She shrugged. "I'm not exactly sure."

"Is he a pimp?"

I blurted out a guffaw because, I mean, come on... but then quickly retreated back into a concentrated stare, silently apologizing for what was now one long ass list of idiocies.

"No." Bella eyed me with disapproval, likely pleading with my to keep my trap shut. "A cop."

"Actually, sir..." I interrupted, hoping to distract Charlie Swan from making the wrong assumption. "That's why I'm here."

Just when I thought the man's scowl couldn't get any deeper, it did. Not only that, but Bella's forehead creased with the makings of one of her own. It must've been aSwan thing.

I tried to smile, to let her know how sorry I was - not only for all the misunderstandings from day one of our relationship, but for the undeserved lashing she was getting from her father. Then I pulled out the piece of paper that contained my resignation, looking it over before handing it to him. I made eye-contact with Bella one last time, and her gaze fell to the paper, realization widening her large eyes.

I stretched out my hand to give him the letter. "Sir, I regret to inform you that today is my-"

"Birthday!" Bella blurted, cutting me off as she grabbed my wrist and stopped me from handing him the paper. I caught her eyes with mine as my brow knit together in utter confusion.

The Commissioner crossed his arms and glowered at me, taking his time while the statement sunk in.

"There some reason I need to know it's your birthday, son?"

I turned to him, mouth hanging open and heart beating wildly, but there was nothing... absolutely nothing coming out of my mouth.

Bella spoke for me, again.

Bella POV

"I wanted to introduce you at a more opportune time, Dad. I mean, without all the fanfare of cops and prostitutes and such. You know me, though. If there's dog poop on the ground, I'm gonna step in it." I gasped for air as if I'd been swimming underwater. "I'll be making a point, eventually."

"That's right, sweetheart, use your words," Dad said dryly, his mustache twitching with mirth. I was glad he could see the humor in this situation.

"Edward and I are dating," I said, pointing to him. Edward didn't respond, so I grabbed him by his collar, pulling and pushing so that his head nodded in agreement like a sexy Bobblehead. "That is to say, he's my boyfriend."

"I see." My father's eyes narrowed as he appraised Edward. Charles Swan was all about propriety, but he had a wicked sense of humor. I couldn't quite tell if he was contemplating shaking Edward's hand or decking him.

"Edward," I hissed as he stuttered out gibberish.

"Is your boyfriend having a stroke, sweetheart? Perhaps I should call the paramedics."

"I'm Bella's boyfriend," Edward finally agreed like a puppet, his head still bobbing. I let go of his neck, sighing.

"And do you make a habit of hanging around hookers?" Dad asked.

For reasons I'll never understand, Edward replied, "I didn't pay your daughter for sex! She means the world to me, sir."

I shook my head, raking my fingers through my hair. "Please stop talking," I muttered, lacing my fingers through his. The heat of his skin seared me, and butterflies exploded in my stomach, their wings seeming to tickle my nether regions.

Stupid, slutty butterflies...

"What an odd thing to say. Bella, why would he say that?" Dad's mustache shuddered beneath an emotion I couldn't identify.

I shrugged. "Uh... you know... in case there was any doubt."

"That came out... the exact opposite of how I meant it to." Edward smiled. "I mean, I wasn't saying I did pay for her sex... or that she doesn't mean the world to me... shit...look, what I mean is I respect your daughter. And I don't hang around hookers. These things are mutually exclusive." He nodded again, eyeing me as if for approval. "She did have pudding, but I didn't come on her–"

"I didn't pay Edward for sex either!" I screamed. "You know, in case there's any doubt on my end." Oh, my fuck, kill me now! "'Cause I don't do things like that. I mean, I might be a little hard up after Jake turned out to be gay, but you know I'd never break the law...Daddy." I looked at Edward and added, "I'm definitely not a hooker!"

"Ix-nay on the ooker-hay," Edward whispered, his breath hot in my ear. Despite my discomfort, his mouth did weird things to my lady parts.

"Uck-fay oo-yay," I hissed under my breath. "People are watching...ay."

"And by the way, remind me to deck Jake-the-Gay-Asshole next time I see him," he added.

"He's not an asshole," I insisted. "He just didn't want me on account of my not having a cock and all."

"Okay, remind me to deck Jake-the-Dick next time I see him."

Speaking of dicks, I swear, Edward's was poking my ass again. Shit, could my father notice? Could anyone else see? I squirmed against him, and he made this sexy little whimpering sound.

That whorebag of a hooker had been carted away, but the lobby wasn't void of nosey onlookers. Gianna from my father's office stood not even six feet away, pretending to be deeply engrossed in a conversation with Heidi from personnel. "Look," I sort of whispered, but loud enough so my father could hear, "we certainly need to talk, but maybe this isn't the best venue for it."

"Agreed." My father pulled Edward and I into a hug – I presumed it was so he could whisper and be heard only by us. "Edward, happy birthday. I'm glad you're not paying my daughter for sex. If you were, I'd have to fire and kill you. In that order."

"Fire and kill me? On my birthday?" Edward cocked his eyebrow, which made me think of his dick again because, well, pretty much everything made me think of his dick. It was a really great dick.

Stop thinking the word dick!

Edward choked when Dad squeezed a little harder. "Understood, sir."

"Is he being funny, Bells?"

I shook my head. "He's not the least bit funny. All the same, I'd appreciate it if you didn't fire him."

"What about kill him?"

I shrugged. "I'll leave that one up to you."

As soon as I shut the office door behind me, Edward started yammering, "Bella . . . Jesus, I am... so glad you decided to try and work things out." He chuckled. "You have no idea how fucking sorry I am. And I thought you'd written us off and –"

"Please stop talking. I'm so angry right now I might punch you in the junk. And I really like your junk."

He covered his crotch; the left side of his mouth curved into a smirk. Either that or he was having convulsions. "You like my junk?"

"I do." I nodded. "But I could totally karate chop it off. I'm a third degree black belt." I shoved him into a chair so I wouldn't be tempted to launch myself at his crotch. "Now, what the fuck just happened downstairs?"

"You called me your boyfriend," he said quickly. "And introduced me to your father. And totally kicked that huge hooker's ass..."

"Jesus fuck. Can you get over that? It was a reflex to seeing that whore all over you."

His face fell a little. "You didn't mean it?"

I shrugged. "I don't like it when people touch my things."

"So what you're saying is my thing belongs to you? 'Cause I'm okay with that. Really."

"No. I mean, it did...until my thing found out your thing was paying it for its hospitality."

Edward stood, reaching for me. "Bella... My thing is really sorry about that. My thing would never intentionally hurt your feelings, and it's truly... truly remorseful for what it assumed your thing was doing. You have no idea how bad my thing feels about it."

I looked down, and he pulled my chin upward, so I would look him in the eyes. "You know what they say about assuming... right?"

"You made an ass out of your dick and my pussy?"

His eyes darkened. "Fuck me, it's hot when you say pussy."

"You too," I squeaked. "I mean...look, I don't know what I mean."

"Can I just... I mean, would it be okay if I put my arms around you, at least? You look really bummed, and it's killing me that I'm the one bumming you... it's also killing me that I'm not touching you right now."

I shook my head. "I don't trust myself around you, Edward. If you touch me, I might do something epic dumb like grab your dick. And I can't let myself do that."

"Please, Bella?" he whispered, taking my hand but angling his hips away. "Do you think there's some way you'll ever forgive me for this?"

"That's not even the issue! I can forgive you, sure, but I can't pretend you didn't treat me like a whore."

"I told you. It was the outfit and the hair and–" His hands were waving all over the place.

"No, I get how you could mistake me for a whore, Edward; I was dressed the part. But don't you understand that you treated me like one? That you paid me for sex? I thought you liked me."

"Bella, I do like you. I'm crazy about you. I came here today to quit my job to prove it." He sounded exasperated.

"Yeah, about that... what the ever-loving fuck were you thinking? How would quitting the force solve anything?"

"I don't know, you know?" He shrugged. "All that stuff you said... about cops using you to further their careers? I wanted you to know that you could trust me. That I'd never do that to you."

"Edward," I sighed, finally letting him wrap his arms around me. "After the night we spent together, I did trust you. I would have trusted you with my heart. And I know you weren't using me for my father, so quitting isn't going to fix things."

"What will?" He kissed my forehead, wiping tears away I hadn't even noticed had fallen. "Please tell me... how can I fix this, baby?"

"See, that's just it. I don't think you can." I ducked away from him. "I want you, Edward. So fucking much, but I don't see this working. I'm so ashamed of what happened... of myself."

"But it's not your fault!" He reached for me again, but I stopped him, backing away and holding my hands up in a defensive sort of way.

"I shouldn't have fucked you," I said, my voice breaking. "Maybe if I hadn't acted like a whore you wouldn't have treated me like one."

Edward's face crumpled, contorting as if in pain at my words. I felt like I should have apologized, but I didn't want to risk saying anything that would make things worse.

Finally he nodded. "Okay, Bella. I get it. I promise I won't harass you... I'm just gonna go... change my date of birth in my records before your father finds out it's not really today, and, I don't know, try not to beat myself up too bad for fucking this up."

He pulled the door open, but before he left, he turned to me one more time, and I had to fight to keep the tears at bay.

"But I want you to know something before I go." He shook his head. "You didn't act like a hooker, not once. It was all me, Bella. I'm the idiot here, never forget that."

Then he was gone. And I collapsed into my chair, letting my head fall onto the desk as I cried the past few days out of my system.