A/N: We are SO SORRY for how long this has taken to post. Real Life, Fake Life, Up Life, Down Life... so so so so sorry. Please to be forgiving and we realleh hope you likey dis here chappy. Big vats of smurf jizz to jaspersdestiny for her stellar beta work and a less disgusting drink to twilover for pre-reading. This was supposed to be the last chapter but it's actually the penultimate.

Penal Code Chapter 9 – TITLE "The Proof is in the Pudding Cup"

EPOV

Holding Bella in my arms without her pushing me away and telling me she wasn't a hooker for the hundredth time was like finding out I'd won a lifetime's supply of condoms and the sexiest woman alive to go with them. (A lifetime's supply of condoms used to be only one box with my previous track record.)

I smiled as I held her.

One outta two ain't bad.

"Shit, Edward...I've been such an idiot. If you had any idea about the emo temper tantrum I had thrown the last few days... I turned self-pity into an art form. I just felt so sorry for myself after Jake, and then I—"

"Shhh… Bella, you had me at cum on your face."

She giggled hard into my chest, and the vibration of it made me as stiff as a board in a certain place that her hands pressed up against all of a sudden.

"You were perfect. I mean, you are perfect. I just couldn't get over myself long enough to realize what I was giving up... Your cock is amazing. This is okay, right?"

I sucked in some air and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of it while willing the whole of the situation to not be a dream.

"I'm sorry. I totally just grabbed your junk without asking permission."

"Stop apologizing. And you never need permission."

"I know, it's just…I've been fantasizing about your dick all week, and it's just nice to touch it again."

And holy shit was she touching it! She was rubbing and massaging me, and if she didn't stop it pretty quickly, I was gonna have jizz all over myself.

I grabbed her by the wrist to stop her, and her eyes met mine. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing, Bella. I just...you make me want to..."

"What?"

"Do bad things to you." I cocked an eyebrow at her and she smiled. "Yeah?"

"You're not gonna sing the theme song to True Blood, are you? Actually, you totally should. That would be hot."

"Oh, yeah?" I began a lazy rendition of the song, moving the two of us closer to the brick wall that surrounded our favorite coffee shop so I could make out with my now official—I think, anyway—girlfriend. But then Bella started giggling, which put a slight damper on the mood.

"Okay, no, just...stop singing."

"What? Why? I'm a great singer."

Her eyes lit up with what I could only explain away as amused pity. "Edward, you are a horrible singer."

I stopped my romantic pursuit for a moment and looked down at her, searching for the joke she was playing on me. "Really?"

She stood her ground. "Can't hold a note to save your pudding."

I scrunched my eyebrows up a little, thinking about how Alice had always told me how great a singer I was over the years. "Huh."

"You wanna—"

Her cell phone rang, interrupting her, and all I could do while she answered it was try to finish off the question she was about to ask me.

You wanna...go take singing lessons?

You wanna...watch some True Blood re-runs?

You wanna...

I stopped and quirked an eyebrow at her as she spoke into her phone. She was eyeing me...perhaps wondering if I wanted to take her back to my place to have make-up sex.

'Cause I was all over that.

"Commissioner, I..."

Oh. That snapped me out of my Bella Swan, pudding-induced fantasy.

I gave her a questioning look, trying to figure out if she was in trouble for not getting back to the precinct immediately, but her expression gave me all the answers I needed.

Something was up.

When she moved past her father's title and let out an abrupt "Dad," I knew the reason for his call wasn't exactly about work.

"It wasn't...no, I just..." Her face turned beet red after her first couple of attempts at speech. I didn't even know if her father was still talking...or if she was just ranting for the sake of...you know...ranting.

"Well, maybeif you didn't hire assholes who tried forcing themselves onto your innocent, unsuspecting daughter, then he wouldn't have been physically assaulted, Daddy."

She ended the call and wound her arm up as if to throw her phone, but she stopped herself.

It took me a good, solid couple of minutes before I could even think about asking her if she was okay.

"You all right?"

"I'm..." She was still fuming, but she gathered her wits about her and finished her thought anyway. "We need to get to the precinct, ASAP."

Uh oh.

Not good.

"We?"

"The commissioner wants to know why his brand-spanking-new-top-banana-asshole-police-grunt is bleeding, and he wants the," she laughed, "situation cleared up before anything is leaked to the media."

"Oy, boy."

What?

It was really all I had under the circumstances.

"This is a nightmare," Bella mused. It was, but I knew once we got down to HQ and explained things it would all be fine.

Right?

I convinced Bella to let me drive her back to the commissioner's office. In her state, there could have been serious road rage issues.

When we arrived, it seemed like there was already some explaining going on—and not the honest, one-hundred percent truth kind of explaining, either.

Bella's hand tensed in mine as we approached a highly stressed, very scary looking Charlie Swan, and I squeezed her hand a little to reassure her we were not the ones at fault here.

Newton was schmoozing the head honcho in such a way that it made me want to deck him all over again.

"I was only trying to get to the truth, Commissioner. I had no idea Bella would take things so personally."

"So, you weren't trying to force yourself on my daughter?"

"Daughter?" Newton paused, the cheese-eating grin freezing on his face for a moment before he managed to laugh it off. "No, of course not, I—"

"Liar!"

I felt Bella start to lunge for the dumb ass, but luckily I was holding onto her already, and I pulled her back. No need for another WWE-type scenario again.

Not this week anyway.

Newton jerked his body away from us. "Whoa! See, sir? She's a little on edge, wouldn't you say? Complete misunderstanding here, is all this is."

Dick.

Charlie Swan scowled. We all knew it had been a long week, and he seemed to be thinking this theory over.

My own eyebrows did their specific version of a silent "What the Fuck?" as I tried to comprehend him ever questioning his own daughter, but then Rose Hale joined in on the fun, entering the office with the kind of flair only she could get away with.

"Apparently he thought Bella and I were serious when the two of you overheard our conversation, Commissioner," she informed him as she eyed the blonde-headed weasel. "Then he made her an offer he thought she couldn't possibly refuse. With all due respect, Commissioner, I'd like to take him out back pound the crap out of him for treating your little girl like a whore." She blinked innocently.

If it were actually possible to spontaneously combust, Bella's father would most certainly have done so at the end of Rose's announcement.

"Anyone care to explain to me why in the hell Officer Newton would be under the impression there's a brothel being run here as opposed to a goddamn police station?"

Immediately everyone started talking at the same time, but he shut us all up and asked for his daughter to speak, since she was the one who had allegedly—his words, not mine—been insulted by Newton.

"Well," she took a deep breath before starting then gave Rose a tight glance, "Rose, here, was having this party last week—"

"Last week? I thought this happened today?"

"It did, but to fully understand why today happened, you have to understand what happened last week, Dad."

He crossed his arms then scowled some more. "Go on."

Bella cleared her throat while Rose smiled innocently at the commissioner.

"Anyway, she had this party, a costume party—"

"A Vicar & Vixens party," Rose corrected, and Charlie cocked his eyebrow at her.

Then Bella went on to defend her friend. "Everyone has them dad. It's a British thing, and yeah, I know we're not British, but Rose has loved the idea since she read it in Bridget Jones."

Rose nodded in corroboration, a smirk playing on her lips.

"Anyway...I was on my way there—I mean, I wasn't even gonna go, you know, what with the whole Jake-being-gay thing."

I fake sneezed an "Asshole" in there, and Bella glared at me.

"Sorry."

"No, you're right," Charlie interrupted. "He was an asshole."

I sort of half-grinned at him, and Bella elbowed me, continuing her story. "That's when I met Edward," she said, and that was when my stomach fell. 'Cause this part of the story was not going to bode well for me.

Not to mention the fact I was really hoping to move past this whole conversation. I felt like I'd had it about a hundred times since that day in my apartment.

So I piped in, trying to make the whole encounter seem not quite so grossly inappropriate and more like...you know…an innocent mistake on my part.

"I was just getting off for the night, sir," I blurted out before realizing what I'd said. Commissioner Swan's eyes seemed to want to burn a hole through my skull. "I mean off of my shift! I was just getting off of my shift for the night, and I saw Bella here..." I waved toward his daughter and smiled.

"You thought my daughter was a hooker?"

"I didn't...I mean, I did...but I didn't think she was a bad hooker. I thought she was very pretty...and she didn't seem very hookerish at all actually. You know...she didn't have that hooker vibe."

"You know many hookers, do you?" he challenged.

"He only knows one—me—I mean, no! He doesn't know any hookers, Dad! He just thought I was one."

"See, I liked her...a lot...and I wanted to get to know her—"

"But he didn't want to insult me by not paying me."

"Right, so I left her money. I mean..." I chuckled a little. "I didn't know how much, you know?"

"Right, I mean, it was actually very thoughtful when you think about it," Bella said, trying to defend me.

"And then I kept trying to work the whole thing out in my head. And in conversations with my sister—"

"Your sister? Why would you...?"

"His sister is Alice, Dad. Turns out she's my friend, too, from college."

He rolled his eyes and scratched at the side of his face as I tried to hold my shit together.

"Right, and then she just...showed upout of the blue at my apartment the morning after we—"

Charlie's eyebrows were dancing now, so I decided to skip over the details of that night with Bella.

My mouth would not stop babbling, and I think at one point in the story I noticed Rose, who was just sitting on the sidelines watching this whole conversation of sorts go down with this look of horror on her face, and Newton...well, I'm not really sure where he was at that point, but I didn't really care, either.

All I cared about was Bella and me, and getting us through this fucked up day so we could move forward with...well...us.

It was Bella's turn to try to explain the next leg of the story. She told him every ugly detail—from Tanya (the real hooker), to explaining away the cat fight that day, to telling me it was over, to skipping work in order to have an ice cream-slash-booze fest—and when she got to the part where she reminded him of the conversation he'd walked in on earlier in the day, just before she took Newton to Starbucks, I stepped in.

"That's when I saw them. I mean, I wasn't stalking your daughter or anything...I was getting coffee," I told him. "I dropped some change and…" I shook my head. Not important. "Anyway, I ended up outside, and I heard people arguing. When I went to see what it was—"

"Because of his police instincts," Bella added, and I smiled over at her.

"Right...I, um...well, that's when I witnessed ass—I mean, officer Newton here—manhandling your daughter."

Charlie turned his head to face Newton. "You were manhandling my daughter?"

I nodded. "Well, he was trying to." I looked over at Bella with the most respect I'd ever felt for any woman in my entire life, remembering the way she'd handled him. "She knocked him upside the head with her bag before he could really do anything."

"Well," Charlie scowled, this time with confusion washing over his features, "then how'd he end up with all the blood and the swollen nose?"

"Edward," Bella told him, beaming.

"Edward."

She nodded. "He beat the shit out of him for even trying anything like that with me."

"That's not true. He attacked me for questioning this—"

Newton didn't get the chance to finish because that was when Rose, for the first time during the entire "meeting", said something herself.

"You call my friend one word that isn't flattering, jackhole, and I'll give you something more than a bloody nose to worry about."

He backed away a little bit more and held his hands up in surrender to her.

"I'm just saying... This is all so..."

"What?" Bella asked him, bitterness seeping from the word. "Ridiculous? Made up? Over exaggerated?"

He didn't respond, and she shook her head at him.

"People like you belong behind bars, not putting other people behind them."

"Well, now, Bella, let's not overreact," her father told her, and I think our mouths fell open just a little. But then the man said something that not only made him my official hero, surpassing Chips and John Cusack, but made me want to jump up and kiss him all at the same time.

He turned to the woman abuser standing next to him and said, "Newton, you're fired."

"What? You can't—"

"I can, and I am. And if you try to start up any trouble over this situation, I'll be sure to tell the DEA, the FBI, and any other law enforcement agency about your tendencies toward the not so impeccable."

"But I—"

"I don't want you applying for any jobs in the tri-state area either, son. I don't want you anywhere near this precinct again, and if I do see you..."

He eyed him, and Newton understood. Without another word, he left the office with his head hung low and his feet dragging behind him.

Rose followed him out—I assumed to make sure he left without incident, but then again, I'd learned a thing or two about assuming lately.

BPOV

"You know what they say about people who make assumptions, right?" I smirked.

"Get out of my head!" Edward replied, wrapping his arms around me.

Fuck me, he was gorgeous. And when he was close like this I couldn't help smelling him. That's not weird, right? Mmmm, Irish Spring. Why yes, I would like a little Irish in me.

"Isabella!" Dad said, using his firm, this-is-serious-business voice.

"Yes, Commissioner Swan?"

"What have we learned?"

"Um..." There were a few ways I could answer that question...

That I missed out on several days of fabulous sex because my ego got bigger than Edward's cock?

That my father has terrible taste in men, and I should never let him ambush me with a date again?

That mixing tequila with Cherry Garcia will turn my vomit pink?

"Um..." I repeated. "Not to dress like a hooker?"

Dad's mustache seemed to flap as he snorted. "No, Bells. The next time you dress like a hooker, make sure to take a fucking cab instead of the subway."

Huh. That was actually pretty good advice.

-PUDDING-

It wasn't until the heel of my shoe clocked the cab driver in the head that I was even aware of my surroundings. All I could register was Edward's tongue, enthusiastic and skilled, stroking my own like a cat rubbing up against a leg.

My hand ventured down his chest, past the concave dip in his stomach, and settled on his fly. His stomach twitched as my fingers hooked under the waistband of his pants. "Give it to me," I begged, my pussy aching with impatience. I rubbed myself against his knee a couple of times to further demonstrate how serious I was.

"You want it... here?" He looked over my shoulder, his brow furrowing.

"Can't...wait," I managed between kisses. It was difficult, but not impossible to undo the button of his fly and carefully, carefully pull at his zipper tooth by agonizing tooth.

"Fuuuuuuuck," Edward ground out. "I want you. I wanna do this so bad, but...I mean, we're in a cab."

And there he was, all soft skin poking out of his boxer briefs. As discreetly as I could manage it, I rubbed my thumb over the tip of his cock.

"You're killing me here," he said, his voice cracking.

"Take it out." I giggled.

A grin spread over his face. "You have no idea how much I want to give in."

"Do it!"

"Bella...oh, Jesus, fuck that feels good."

"Release the Kraken!" I demanded, and we both doubled over in hysterics.

"I mentioned you're killing me here, right?" he groaned, zipping up his fly while I pouted.

"I regret nothing! But seriously, we need to get back to your place quick! This midtown traffic is ridiculous."

"Fuck me," Edward said suddenly, slapping himself on the forehead.

"Okay," I agreed, feeling very amenable to such a suggestion.

He shook his head. "No... I mean, fuck me, I left my keys at the station."

"Which precinct?"

"First."

"Fuck."

"Me."

I glanced at my watch. "It'll take us an hour to swing back. And, Edward, I swear I'm going to explode if you don't fuck me soon."

"Oh, really?" He cocked a brow.

"For serious. You know women can die from blue balls, right? It's a scientifically proven fact. I need you," I practically whined.

His dick was so hot in my hand as I continued to rub him over his pants. "Alice!" he yelled suddenly.

"Do you usually yell out your sister's name in the throes of passion?"

His face turned the shade of a radish, and he shook his head. "No, I mean...no! She has my house keys. And she lives just off 9th."

I groaned out a very un-sexy sound and pressed my face into his chest. He chuckled, tightening his arms around me. "Let us off at 20th and 9th!" he called to the cabbie as politely as he could manage while I sucked on his neck.

The driver grunted in reply. This was the first time I'd ever made out in a moving cab, and somewhere in the back of my mind it occurred to me that my behavior was rather obscene.

-PUDDING-

We pounded for several minutes.

"Nothing?"

"No," I whined. "Do it harder; it's not working."

Again he pressed forward, his hand becoming a fist.

"Please." I tried not to sound frustrated, "Let me do it this time!"

"I got it!" He grunted, his face turning red from the exertion.

"It's no use." I threw my hands up, defeated. "She's not coming."

"Yeah," Edward agreed, wiping his sweaty brow on his sleeve. "I guess she's not home."

Oh, fuck, Jasper...harder!

"What did you just say?" Edward asked.

"Oh, fuck, Jasper...harder?"

"Yeah... Who's Jasper?"

"This guy (who might be gay) that your sister's seeing."

"Why did you call his name just now?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Um...yeah, that wasn't me." I squeezed Edward's hand gently. "I'm sorry. There's a very real chance your sister is having sex on the other side of that door."

"Alice Mary Cullen, you better open this door right the fuck now, or so help me I'll—"

"Stop!" I hissed. "If they're doing what I think they're doing, you don't want to see."

"Get your hands off my sister, you cock sucker!" The entire door shuddered on its frame under Edward's attack. His poor fists, still injured from the blows they sustained on Mike's hard head, bruised like spoiled fruit.

Alice giggled on the other side of the door.

"Please, Edward? Let's just give them a few minutes and then come back. This is all kinds of awkward." I kissed his hand. "And don't you dare injure your fingers...I have plans for them."

"Bella," he groaned, his head falling forward against my shoulder. "He's doing terrible things to my sister in there."

"Edward," I began as kindly as I could, "your sister's a bit of a freak. If anyone is being dominated, it's poor Jasper."

"That's, right, pony-boy, ride me!" Alice cried, and the sounds that immediately followed were kind of hard to decipher: the screech of either a chainsaw or a high-powered dildo, the sharp lick of a whip, and Jasper's ecstatic screams.

It sounded like a pretty good time.

Edward's face turned kind of green, and he ran into the janitor's closet. His loud retching could scarcely be heard over Jasper's sudden, inexplicable mooing.

A/N Review us, please, because we're into that kind of shit. Thanks for reading!