Chapter 4
The ride home was unbearable, and it seemed to take forever. Lou kept still and silent as if she wasn't there at all. Kid continuously looked at her worriedly all the way to their house, but she never acknowledged him once. He noticed that she sat just on the very edge of the wagon seat, as if making sure that their bodies didn't touch. Kid was perplexed and hurt at this attitude of hers. He knew that she was hurting and wanted to comfort her, but how could he do that if she kept this cold manner towards him? He hoped that when she got some rest, they could talk things through. It was something that affected both of them, and they really needed to discuss their pain. Otherwise, Kid knew that if they kept it within themselves, it would end up affecting everything around them, even their marriage in the long run.
When they reached their homestead, Kid hurried to help her off the wagon, but Louise was quicker and jumped off the buckboard. She was still weak, and her legs did not respond for her so Lou fell on the ground heavily. Alarmed Kid ran to help her up from the hard ground. "Lou!" he called worriedly. "Are you all right?" He grabbed her by the arm, and she tried to push him away, but Kid reinforced his hold on her. "Stop this childish attitude, for goodness' sake. You're going to hurt yourself," he chided annoyed.
Louise didn't have the energy to protest and simply let him help her off the ground and steer her towards the house, one arm around her shoulders protectively and his hand holding her waist. They walked inside in silence and the sensation of feeling so vulnerable right now and his sweet gestures were too much for her, and for the first time since leaving the doctor's surgery Louise gave free rein to her hot tears, which gradually burst in sobs. Hearing her bitterly crying Kid pressed her against his chest and wrapped his arms around her small frame.
"Shh," he cooed, like he had done so many other times before, "everything's gonna be all right." The love behind his words made her heart melt and cry harder, but at the same time they enraged her. How could he say that everything would be all right? He had heard what the doctor had said, and still he assured her that everything would be fine. Lou felt that it was far from being all right, and she wanted to punch him hard on the face. She couldn't have her husband patronize her like everybody else had done when she didn't know if he'd come back from the war.
It had been years of hearing soft and endearing words that meant nothing, and for Louise it had been unbearable. She hated to inspire sympathy and pity in the others; she didn't need any of that nonsense to face her problems. She was more than able to see the reality however bleak it was, and there was no need to disguise it. When Kid had returned, all those pitiful looks and remarks behind her back had stopped, but now they'd begin again. She couldn't have it, especially if even her own husband was the first to make her feel so pitiful. Lou wanted to fight his hold, yell at him and hit him hard, but she was drained of all energy and her sobs continued to rack her petite body. Finally, the crying subsided and she heard Kid ask in a soft voice, "Shall I take you to bed, honey?" Lou simply nodded at his question; she felt so tired and right now she wished she could sleep and never wake up.
Lou was finally sleeping in their bedroom, getting her deserved rest after the nerves and predicament of the morning. Unwillingly she had let Kid help her into bed, cover her with the quilt and finally giving her a kiss on the forehead, he had whispered 'I love you'. Even though she had wept against his chest and at some point she had let him comfort her, she still kept that same attitude since they left the doctor: she was recoiling from him whenever he tried to come closer to her.
This wasn't new for him; it was the way she dealt with her problems. All those times in the past when her demons had haunted her and stirred up her existence like when her father took her siblings or when Charlotte appeared, Louise had tried to keep him clear of her trouble. It had been hard but Kid had thought that she had finally learnt to trust him and share her problems with him, because her problems were his as well. And now they were married, but it seemed that she still closed up and didn't let him in. He hoped that when the first shock of finding such a hard reality faded a bit, they could find the comfort in each other.
Kid couldn't begin to imagine what she was going through. He was really exhausted and jittery, and his mind was completely jumbled, and it wasn't his body that had suffered what Lou had. No wonder she hadn't even stirred when he had checked on her a few times. Kid really didn't know how to feel about what the day had brought about. He was still in a haze, unable to believe the news the doctor had dropped on them. They were supposed to be gaily celebrating the good news that they had hoped to get this morning, but instead he was plagued by worries for Lou and bitterness.
He remembered his hopes and the joy he had felt when Lou had playfully blurted out her suspicions that morning. At first he had been shocked as he had never thought that they would be on their way to being parents so soon, but when he got over his first reaction, he couldn't have been happier. However, now the hard reality they had been forced to meet killed all those dreams. There would never be a baby in Lou's arms while she sang a lullaby. No child would learn its first words from them nor walk its first steps tightly gripping his big hand in its little one. No child would call him pa or Lou ma. There wouldn't be cheerful and loud birthday parties, nor Christmas with dozens of presents for the children. It would be just him and Lou for the rest of their lives, and for the first time the thought reached his mind and left a painful mark.
Kid felt the pressure in his chest as the reality fell over him like a ton of bricks. He sank on the couch heavily and resting his elbows on his thighs he hid his face in his hands. All those years that Kid had been fighting in the war, all he had had in his mind was to be back with Lou. Many times he had fantasized about their life together, and every time he had pictured her surrounded by children, their children. That image now seemed like a cruel joke. Kid took a shivery breath and mustering all his willpower he tried to get a grip of himself. He couldn't crumble down; he had to be strong for Lou because she would need his support and his help more than ever.
In that moment a strong knock sounded at the main door, which snapped Kid out of his reverie. Slowly he rose to his feet and when the knocking became more insistent and loud, he rushed to open the door. He silently cursed whoever was causing that ruckus, which could wake Lou from her rest. Finally, he reached the door and when he opened it, he found the two smiling faces of Teaspoon and Rachel. Before Kid had time to say anything, Teaspoon's loud voice resounded in the stillness of the house.
"Rachel, look who I found, my fleeting deputy," the marshal said with a big smile, and Rachel had the same expression of utter delight as they walked in the house unceremoniously. At the older man's words Kid remembered that he had forgotten all about his job after what had happened at the doctor's. That morning he and Lou had stopped by Teaspoon's and had told the old marshal about his motives for wanting to see the new physician. Teaspoon had reacted to the news as they expected he would. He couldn't beam more proudly if he were actually related to them both by blood. Since Lou and Kid joined the Express years ago, the bond that all the riders had formed with Teaspoon, Rachel and before her, Emma, was so strong that they never doubted they were anything but family. Teaspoon had become the father figure that most of the riders never had. So it was only natural that the older man had jumped with joy at their news. Even though Jimmy had always seemed closer to the old marshal, the married couple seemed to have formed new bonds with him and Rachel now that the rest of the riders had gone. Teaspoon would have been the only grandfather that any of the children Lou and Kid might have had would have known, because for them Teaspoon was like a father.
"Teaspoon!" Kid tried to shush him before his voice could reach Louise's ears and wake her.
"Don't worry, Kid," the marshal said with the same loud voice. "It's understandable to want to be with your wife on such a joyous day, but we wanted to join in your celebration."
Rachel was giggling happily and before Kid could react, she hugged him in a motherly fashion and added, "I'm so happy for you two, Kid. By the way, where's the expecting mama?"
At this point Kid had to raise his voice to put an end to their excessive enthusiasm and gaiety, "Will you two stop it?"
The seriousness in Kid's tone made Teaspoon and Rachel sober at once, and the ex-rider continued in a calmer tone, "There's no baby." Before either of his visitors had time to offer any words of encouragement or comfort, Kid told them what had happened during their visit to the doctor. Talking about it wasn't easy, but somehow Kid felt better to be able to unload his troubled mind onto his friends. He hadn't realized how much the day's events had affected him until he found himself telling everything to Teaspoon and Rachel. A myriad of feelings coursed all over him: sadness, desperation and anger, but above all he felt completely powerless.
His only concern was Lou and making her happy, and so far he hadn't accomplished any, but rather the contrary. For one reason or another she ended up suffering, and just the thought of her bleak expression a few hours ago left him shattered. He had been the cause of her suffering for years because he had decided to fight, and when they could find some peace and happiness, another obstacle appeared on their path. Kid knew that nobody was to blame if things had turned out like that, but he couldn't help thinking that he was some kind of jinx and was rubbing his bad luck onto Lou. Looking back on his life he could only think of one lucky strike, coming to the Express and meeting Louise. The rest had been just a succession of bad moments, an abusive father, his mother dying, Jed leaving. No, there weren't many good memories, but somehow he had believed that he could make Lou happy, and he still did.
Kid finished his account and the two smiling faces he had found at his door just a few moments ago had turned into hurt expressions. They remained speechless for a while and it was Rachel who finally broke the silence.
"Oh Kid, I'm so sorry," she muttered sincerely. Kid just nodded and she asked, "Where's Louise?"
"Resting upstairs," was his curt answer.
"I'll go and see her," the lady said and scurried up the stairs without waiting for any indication.
The two men remained on the same spot and Teaspoon patted Kid on the shoulder affectionately, but didn't say a word. For once in his life he didn't have anything to say, because nothing he could say would make things improve or Kid feel better. After a while the old marshal just asked, "How's Lou, son?"
Kid sighed deeply and said, "She hasn't said a word since we left the doctor and doesn't even let me come close. I don't like seeing her like that, Teaspoon. I'm worried."
"Women take these things hard," the marshal replied, "just give her time and you can talk things through. It's just the shock, she'll come round."
"I know," was all Kid said but worry didn't leave him. Lou was the strongest woman he had ever met, but the person resting in their bedroom at this moment didn't look like his lively and courageous wife. Kid had never seen her look as hurt and drained as she did now. He just prayed that the alien woman that had set in her soul disappeared, and soon he could have the old Lou back.
Upstairs in the bedroom Louise had woken suddenly as the insistent knocks at the door reached her ears. For one moment she felt disoriented and confused to find herself in bed in the middle of the day; she was even about to jump out of bed to answer whoever was making that racket downstairs when realization dawned on her devastatingly. Memories of the day stabbed her painfully and left her completely empty.
She heard the door open downstairs and recognized the joyous voices of Teaspoon and Rachel. Tears blinded her eyes as she could make out snippets of the conversation between her two friends and Kid. Then everything went still, and she knew that he was telling them, and hot tears trickled down her face. She felt so hurt and embarrassed that she wanted to die. Lou knew how people sent pitiful looks at those women that were called barren, and now she was one of them. How could a day that cherished so many hopes end up so miserably?
Her visit to the doctor was a blurred image in her confused mind. She remembered lying on that makeshift bed as the doctor examined her. He had already told her that she wasn't with baby, that she had reached the wrong conclusions. At that stage she was all right with it. What if she wasn't pregnant yet? There was no hurry, and Kid and she had all the time of the world. But then acute pain as she had never felt before hit her, and she noticed something hot trickling down her legs and somehow she knew that she was bleeding. Louise could hardly make out the doctor's and his wife's words telling her not to panic, but she could hear the fear and hesitation in their voices. For a moment she thought she was dying, but right at that instant her only wish was for the pain to finish.
After that she hardly remembered anything, and the next thing she was aware of was the hovering figure of the doctor looking down at her and unceremoniously saying that she would never be able to have children. Louise had the sensation that she had lived the moment before. The coldness in the doctor's words and the pain afterwards were the same or even harder than when her mother had died. For a moment she felt like she was eight years old and was a lost and confused child. Thousands of thoughts had flashed through her mind in that moment and still she couldn't think clearly.
The image of Kid's smiling face that morning kept popping before her eyes, and it left her numb with grief. How could she face him now? It wasn't fair for him because he deserved to have what life had deprived him from at an early age, a real family. Now for what Lou thought was her fault he couldn't even dream of having that family someday. No, it wasn't fair. Louise wanted to scream in frustration. She could deal with it, after all it was her body, her problem and she couldn't flee from it, but how could she ask him to forget his dreams for her? Knowing her husband she was sure that he'd be happy to do that just for her, but accepting that would be just terribly selfish on her part.
A light knock at her door stopped her train of thought, and Lou heard Rachel's faint voice outside the bedroom calling her name. Louise closed her eyes tighter; she didn't want to see anybody now. She just needed to be left alone. After some brief moments she heard the door creak as it opened and light steps resounded in the room.
"Louise?" Rachel called softly, but Lou didn't even stir, wishing that her friend would leave her alone. She knew that Rachel wasn't a fool and wasn't buying that she was sleeping and her next words confirmed Lou's suspicions. "I know you're not asleep, and it's fine by me if you don't wanna talk, sweetheart. I just want you to know that you can count on me and Teaspoon if you need anything."
Rachel stared at the lying figure of her younger friend for some moments, and when she saw no reaction from Louise, she turned to leave the room. However, she stopped dead in her tracks as she heard a faint voice behind her. Rachel turned around, and Lou opened her eyes and her voice cracked. "Thanks."
Rachel smiled despite the anguish she felt for her friend, who looked so small and forlorn right now. Coming closer to her she planted a brief kiss on her forehead and whispered in her ear, "That's what family's for, honey. But now, young lady, you get your rest."
Louise didn't try to say anything, but closed her eyes to let herself drift to a dreamless sleep once again. Her soul was broken and was crying to see some light in this bleak day, but all she could see around her was darkness and shadows. Little by little her weary body finally relaxed and in no time Louise fell asleep.
Later that day Kid decided to fix something for Lou to eat. Teaspoon and Rachel had long gone, and now that he was on his own, the house seemed cold and enormous. It was strange how the place appeared so different to his eyes now. In the three months since he had come back, he couldn't recall one single bad moment, and surprisingly he and Lou hadn't even fought one single time. These walls had only witnessed their love for each other, their serene conversations and especially Lou's laughter had resounded warmly every day all over the place.
Louise had been sleeping for hours and hadn't eaten anything since breakfast that morning. Kid had made some broth and placed a plate with the hot soup on a tray; he suspected that Lou wouldn't be too willing to eat, but at least a bit of hot broth would do her good. Finally, to cheer her up a bit Kid had cut one of the beautiful flowers from their tiny garden and placed it in a vase on the tray. He knew that they were her favorites. He made his way up the stairs, and when he reached the bedroom, Kid opened the door tentatively. He peeked inside and to his surprise he found her fully awake, looking ahead of her but still with the same blank expression.
He let himself in carrying the tray and smiling at her he couldn't help but exclaim happily, "You're awake!" Lou didn't say anything, but kept looking blankly, and Kid instantly sobered as he placed the tray on the bedside table. "I brought you something to eat, Lou."
For one moment Kid thought that she hadn't even heard him, but after a few seconds she spoke up her voice sounding clear, cold and detached of all feeling. "I'm not hungry."
Kid expected this reaction from her and tried to reason with his wife. "Honey, you have to keep up your strength."
"What for?" she mumbled miserably.
"What for!" Kid repeated sarcastically, staring at her purposefully, but she never met his eye. He paused for a moment, and sighing deeply he crouched next to her and tried to catch her eyes. Kid reached out to get hold of her hand but Lou instantly recoiled it and buried it under the quilt. The gesture filled him with deep sadness, but he tried not to show it. "How are you, Lou?" he asked softly.
"Just fine," was her curt answer.
Kid sighed again, frustrated at her stubbornness. "I don't think you're fine in the same way I'm not." He wasn't talking about her physical state, but rather about the scar that had been imprinted in their souls after the visit to the doctor. For the first time her eyes met his, and Kid found such deep anger and fury in them that almost scared him. She didn't talk, and he said, "Louise, I know how you're feeling, but we can't let this beat us." He stopped for a second and then continued despite the hard looks she kept casting in his direction. "We have to think positively. We have each other and that doctor might be wrong. Maybe we should get a second opinion and see a doctor in St Jo…" He couldn't finish because Louise sat up against the headboard unexpectedly and shifted so that her body was as far from Kid as possible.
"I'm not seeing any more damn doctors!" she barked at the top of her voice. "I know what this one said, and that's enough for me!"
Kid rose to his feet from his crouching position and warily sat down on the edge of the bed, trying not to make her more nervous than she already was. "Please calm down, honey. We'll do whatever you feel like."
"Did you hear what that doctor said or were you deaf or dumb there?" she asked sarcastically, looking daggers at Kid.
He just nodded ruefully, unable to stop the anger rising to his chest. Why did she have to be so spiteful? He knew that she was hurting, but she wasn't alone in this. He was as broken as her, but she seemed to think that only she was hurting and the idea angered him deeply. "I clearly heard him say that we couldn't have children but…" he talked bitterly but she cut him off in mid-sentence.
"No!" Louise shouted as if she had been wounded. "It's me, Louise McCloud, who can't have children, not you!" She was getting more and more agitated, and Kid feared that she might hurt herself as she was so close to the edge of the bed that she might fall off it.
"Honey, will you calm down?" he said in a soft voice. "We're in this together, so what happens to you does happen to me. That's what marriage means." He spoke sincerely because that was the way he felt. Everything that affected one or the other directly involved both of them, and in this situation the cause was stronger as it concerned their possibilities to become parents. There might be nothing wrong with Kid, but if the woman he loved couldn't be the mother of his children, that left him in the same state as her.
Louise seemed to sober a bit and looking at him disdainfully she talked venomously. "Always the same good boy. Always eager to sacrifice everything for poor Louise. Always playing hero. Well, you can stop that with me because I'm damn tired of that smarty pants attitude of yours. Be a man for once in your life."
Lou felt tears pricking her eyes, but she would choke them. She knew that she was being so cruel to Kid, but she couldn't help herself. All she wanted was for the whole world to hurt as much as she was right now, and that world included her dear husband. The words that her mouth had so devastatingly uttered popped out in a rush and for a moment she thought that somebody else had spoken up. But no, it had been her saying all those terrible things to the person who meant the world to her. She was ridiculing what she loved in Kid the most: his nobility of character and his good heart. She had never met somebody as generous and upright as Kid, and she and her words were hurting his male pride deeply. It was too late to take them back, and anyway, Louise's mind was in such a tumult that she couldn't think clearly.
Kid looked at her with a hurtful expression, but tried to keep his composure. He knew what she was trying to do, but he wouldn't let her rile him up. It was just her pain talking through her, and Kid used all his willpower to keep calm. One of them needed to be strong for both their sakes. He turned his back to her and said, "You need to eat the soup before it gets cold."
The calmness reaching her ears wound her up so much that the anger rising was such that she wanted to actually hit him. "I don't want your stupid soup!" she growled energetically. "I don't want your pathetic words. I don't want anything from you!" By now tears were rolling down her face and paying no heed to her words Kid rounded to her side in a few quick steps.
"Please Lou calm down," he repeated for the third time and tried to hold her in his arms but Louise shoved him away roughly.
"Don't touch me and leave me alone!" she roared and buried herself under the bedding.
Kid stood with a hurt expression, watching her trembling shape under the quilt. He knew that she was sobbing, but he felt paralyzed by her attitude. "Leave me alone!" she repeated, her voice muffled by the material over her head. Kid kept staring at her figure for a few moments and after a while he turned round to leave the room with that woman that he didn't know any more.