"Hey Alex, how are you today?" Jeremy's mom asked after school.
"Good, I guess," Alex mumbled quietly as Juanita pushed him over.
"Hey Juanita,"
"Hey Mrs Wallace," Juanita said warmly.
"Shall we get going?" Jeremy's mom asked.
They all nodded.
It was another half an hour before they were at Jeremy's place.
"Hey Jeremy!" Another kid said as they walked in. "Happy Birthday!"
"Hey Colin, you made it," Jeremy said happily.
"Wouldn't have missed it," Colin said with a grin.
"Thanks man, hey, this is a couple of friends, this is Juanita and that's Alex" Jeremy said gesturing to them. "Guys this is my friend from Colorado, Colin"
"Hey," Alex said quietly, he was a little distracted trying to get into his medication.
"Hey man, do you need a hand with that?" He asked watching Alex struggle.
"Yeah," Alex said wincing as he threw the bottle to Colin.
Colin opened the bottle and handed it to Alex.
"Holy Shit! Your Alex Wolff," Colin said a little excited.
"That's what they tell me," Alex said as he took one of his pills.
Juanita just smiled, she knew Alex didn't have the energy to care.
"So how do you know Alex Wolff?" Colin asked Jeremy.
"We go to the same school, but it was because Juanita was helping me settle in." Jeremy said, he was hoping to get to know Alex better.
"Cool, well anyway I got you this present," Colin said, he said handing him over the gift.
Jeremy opened it up and saw it was a customized Denver Nuggets singlet.
"Thanks man,"
"Well you got to come back to Denver so we can watch a game together," Colin said with a grin.
Alex looked at his hands, he felt bad now because he didn't get him a present. Juanita had given him some music, seeing as she really didn't know what he liked.
"I'm sorry I didn't get you anything," he mumbled
"Alex, we didn't expect you to, your mom explained how difficult it is for you to get out and do everyday things, we're just glad you could make it," Jeremy's mom said.
"But still…." Alex mumbled.
"Your mom knew you would feel bad, she said she would get something for him from you," She said with a smile.
"Come on man, presents aren't that important lets play some games," Jeremy said.
They all had lots of fun playing video games Jeremy's mom brought tea in, they were going to take them out for dinner tomorrow evening.
"MOM!" Jeremy called out panicked an hour an a half later.
Jeremy's mom came running in, to find Alex looking very pale and having trouble breathing. Juanita was trying to calm him down but with no success.
"You need to call my dad," She said urgently, she knew her dad would be the best one to help.
"Abigail I'm so sorry," Jeremy's mom said 25 minutes later as Abigail came in.
Abigail walked in and saw Alex being given oxygen by John, while Juanita tried to calm him down.
"Are you ok Alex?" Abigail said rushing up to him.
"He should be fine. It's just a panic attack," John said quietly as Abigail put her arm around Alex.
"I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened," Jeremy's mom said feeling a little a guilty.
"It's not your fault, from Nat was saying Alex had them a lot after it first happened," Abigail said gently, she could feel how shaken Alex was and could tell it wasn't a pleasant experience for the others.
"I think the best thing for him is to get home and unwind," John said quietly,
"Do you have an idea what set him off?" Abigail asked quietly.
"We were watching Family Guy and they were hitting a pinata, and it just happened," Juanita said, she knew things were difficult enough and although she was able to cope with everything she also knew Alex had suffered far worse.
"If it's alright, I'll see how he's feeling tomorrow and if he's up to it, I can still bring him back. I will give some medication to stop his panic attacks." Abigail said, not wanting his panic attack to ruin the party. She knew that Alex would blame himself if he did. Alex seemed to struggle to comprehend that when things happened to him, it wasn't always his fault.
"It's alright with me," Jeremy said looking a little off color, "We were going to watch a movie tomorrow and I think Alex would like it,"
"It's alright with me then," Jeremy's mom said although she was worried about it happening again.
"Thank you and I'm sorry you had to see Alex like, I know how scary it can be." Abigail said.
Alex was quiet the whole trip home. Abigail could see he was still a bit shaken, but she knew Alex and how angry and disappointed he must be in himself.
"Alex are you ok?" She asked as she wheeled him into the lounge.
Alex didn't look at her, but sulkily replied.
"No,"
"What's wrong then?"
"I ruined his party," Alex sulked.
"No you didn't,..."
"Yes I did, now he is scared of me and his mom is scared of me and they don't really want me to come back," Alex said on the verge of crying.
"Alex, honey, It's not like that. They understand just how hard things are for you. They know you didn't want it to happen, but it is a very scary experience especially for those who aren't used to it." Abigail said softly as she held Alex in her arms.
"Who would want to be friends with useless old me," Alex cried.
"Juanita," Abigail said a bit annoyed, she found it extremely frustrating to hear Alex putting himself down all the time. She tried to hide the frustration she knew that he had very little self esteem and she just wished she knew how to help him raise it. "Jeremy. I know Juanita will definitely be making sure Jeremy doesn't get the wrong opinion of you. She doesn't want you feeling any more isolated than you already do."
"Dad and Nat think I'm useless, that's why they left," Alex said quietly.
"Alex you dad and brother left because you told them you wanted them to go. They both would have passed up the opportunity if you told them you wanted them here."
"I did want them to go." Alex mumbled, he didn't know why he continued with this lie, he knew he didn't want them to go, never in his life would he want them to go, but he didn't want them to have to put up with him.
Abigail just gave him a skeptical look.
"Do you think Nat would want to talk with me?" Alex asked heavily.
"Of course, do you want to talk to him?" Abigail asked quietly.
Alex just nodded.
"Why don't you ring him?" Abigail asked.
"How?"
"Ring his cellphone from yours?"
"I can do that?" Alex asked.
"Alex, me and your father have made sure you can ring anyone of us when you need where ever we are. We know how important it is for you," Abigail explained.
"Thanks mom," Alex said reaching up and giving Abigail a hug.
Abigail hugged him back, she could feel that, he was still feeling angry and disappointed at himself, she just hoped Nat could change that.
"Hey bro," Nat said when he answered.
Alex didn't respond, Nat just heard him breathing, he knew instantly something was plaguing him.
"What's the matter Alex?" He asked quietly.
Alex still didn't answer, he didn't know what he wanted to say.
"Alex, I can't try and help you if you don't tell me whats wrong," Nat said quietly.
"I ruined someones birthday," Alex said angrily.
"What happened?" Nat asked, he was a bit surprised to hear Alex angry.
"I had a stupid panic attack and I scared everyone." Alex fumed.
"Alex you can't blame yourself..." Nat said softly.
"Who said I was blaming myself?" Alex growled.
"Dude, I know you, I know you take everything to heart," Nat said softly.
Alex just growled annoyed, but Nat was used to dealing with Alex like this.
"Alex just think when was the last time you had a panic attack?" Nat asked calmly.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Alex growled.
"It just shows how far you've come man, you used to have them everyday. But don't hate yourself because of it. I know it's not fun and I know you take every step backwards badly, but come on bro, you should be proud at how well your doing," Nat reassured.
"What should I be proud of?" Alex asked darkly.
"You hadn't had a panic attack in months, you seem a little bit happier now... you hardly have nightmares anymore," Nat said.
"What planet have you been on, I have them all the time... I had one last night or did dad not tell you...?" Alex asked heavily.
"Alex..." Nat began.
"I just wish I could have normal dreams like everyone else." Alex cried.
Nat felt a bit ignorant, he thought Alex had stopped having nightmares at least for the last couple of weeks.
"I know Alex, but you have been through so much, you should get them soon."
"I'm so sick of hearing that, I didn't want to go through all of that, I don't want to want to have nightmares... I just want things to be like the used to be," Alex sobbed quietly.
Nat couldn't help but feel sorry for Alex. He knew he didn't want this, he knew everyday was a struggle, and he knew there was no way out but through facing everything he wanted to forget.
"I know bro, but I don't think it will ever happen, you just need to try and move forward everyday. I want you to try and go back to the rest of the party tomorrow, I think you will see that you friends will be happy your back." Nat said trying to calm his brother down.
"What if it doesn't work?" Alex sniffed.
"Then they aren't good friends, but if you don't go you will never find out and that will hurts you more,"
"Ok Nat..." Alex mumbled.
"I love you Alex," Nat said softly.
"Thanks Nat, I love you too," Alex mumbled before hanging up. He didn't know what he would do if his brother wasn't there for him.