Chapter 30
It was early in the morning the following day when Louise headed for town with the intention to see Doctor Logan. As she was driving the wagon out of her property, her three friends were riding in. She stopped the carriage momentarily to greet them good morning and to satisfy their curiosity, Lou simply told them that she had to go to town to leave Jack at school and run some errands. This was basically true, but she consciously left out her visit to the doctor. As she had told Kid the night before, she didn't want to draw attention over her with everybody wondering what was wrong with her. Hopefully, Doctor Logan would put her fears to rest, and Louise would simply have to follow his instructions to get over her present ailments. There was no need to start telling everybody that her health was declining lately. She'd hate to have all her friends speculating and besides, they were here to enjoy a few days of relaxation and being with the family, and not to hear about her problems.
Once in town Louise left Jack at school, who for once had not put up a fight. The boy was just too excited and couldn't wait to tell his school mates about the family friends visiting in his house. There was a real Indian, an army officer, and according to Jonathan Cain, one of them was even a gunslinger. Jack had never heard anything about Wild Bill Hickok, but Emma's son had told him everything as one day he had spied on his parents while they were talking about it. Anyway, all his friends were going to be so jealous of him as Jack planned to tell them about having the real Pony Express riders under his own roof.
The boy knew that Kid and Lou had also been riders, but somehow it was different. They were his own family, and all his friends knew them whereas these men were a novelty. They looked rough, not like somebody's parents, and the one called Cody must be some kind of hero. Jack had listened to him, captivated by all the adventures he told the boy. Yeah, everybody was going to wish they were in his shoes.
Of course Jack had not said any of this to Lou as they went to school. He knew that she wouldn't like all this fuss; she had even told off that man she called Jimmy when he had shown his gun to him and Jonathan. Jack didn't know why she had gotten so miffed for just something like that. Those adventures, the guns and everything else were kind of nice, and then it was something that he could later boast about with his friends, but apart from that, he wasn't really impressed. He still preferred the horses and animals they had at home, and he had the firm intention to be a horse rancher like Kid one day.
As soon as Lou kissed Jack good-bye, she directed her steps to the doctor's office, which was at the end of Rock Creek's main street. Tommy walked by her side, clutching her hand tightly. With every step she took forwards, she was becoming more and more nervous. Her history with doctors didn't help her to calm any of her frayed nerves; she knew she had a suspicious nature, but she just did not trust doctors however illogical it might sound. The last visit to Doctor Logan and its outcome still weighed heavily on her mind and it was no wonder that she had tried to delay going to the physician as much as possible.
"Where are we going?" Tommy asked in a soft voice by her side.
Louise looked down and her face softened at the image of Tommy's big eyes staring at her expectantly. "To the doctor, honey."
"You poorly, Mama?" the boy asked with a frown.
"Well, I just feel a bit under the weather," Lou replied brushing her hand on the top of his head. "That's all."
They walked on silently, and in that moment Lou caught sight of Teaspoon on the walkway just opposite her, talking to a man in an elegant suit. "Teaspoon!" she called loudly and as the marshal saw her, he waved at her with a big smile. Lou dashed across the street towards him, dragging Tommy along. When she reached the marshal, she exclaimed, "Teaspoon, where have you been all this time? We were so worried!"
"No reason to worry. Just needed to see to a little somethin'," he replied, casting a sideways look to the man by his side and then added, "Ain't it delightful to have the family fussin' and frettin' over you?"
The dapper tall man did not say anything, and as Lou glimpsed at him, he tipped his head politely to her. She just acknowledged his greeting with a stilted nod and turning her attention back to the marshal, she said, "We were all together at my place except for you, Teaspoon. You told me that you wouldn't miss our little reunion for anything."
"Well, I'm here now, ain't I?" he replied with a wink and then addressed the child clutching Lou's long skirt. "Hi there, Tommy. You been a good boy to Mama?"
Tommy nodded with a big smile and looking at Lou sideways as if expecting her approval, he replied in a whisper, "Good, good."
She had to smile and ruffling his hair, she exclaimed, "He's my little angel, ain't you, honey?" The boy flashed his bright smile at Louise, and in that moment an idea struck the young lady. "Teaspoon, can you do me a favor?" she asked tentatively.
"Sure, just name it."
"Could you take care of Tommy, just for a while? I need to check something at the doctor's," she explained without giving too many details. Lou had not been able to leave the boy with Kid today as he had a hectic day ahead of him. There were the new horses he had to break and their three friends were going to give him a hand. They hadn't done anything like that in years, but they had been quite excited about the possibility of proving their abilities on horses again. Louise expected that they would be too busy to keep an eye on the boy. Besides, she didn't want Tommy around or near the corral while they were working with those uncontrollable horses; there was no saying how those animals could react. Kid had repaired that fence around the corral three times already in just a few months. So she had decided to bring the boy along. Still, she wasn't very happy with the idea of having Tommy at the doctor's, especially since she didn't know what the physician might tell her, so leaving the boy with Teaspoon for just a few minutes would be the perfect arrangement.
The marshal raised one eyebrow quizzically as she mentioned visiting the physician. He remembered that time when Louise had felt suddenly dizzy, and Teaspoon wondered if that was what she had to check at the doctor's. Seeing as Lou didn't have the least intention to elaborate, the marshal replied, "Course I can." He paused momentarily and then he added, pointing at the man next to him, "And as luck will have it, you have the new doctor right here. This is Dr Webb, Louise."
"Oh…" she exclaimed surprised. "Nice to meet you, sir. I'm Louise McCloud."
"How do you do, Mrs. McCloud?" the man spoke for the first time.
Lou studied this man as closely as she could without crossing the limits of correctness. He was about forty years-old; a few silver threads shone between his trimmed brown hair. The smile he gave her seemed sincere and kindness emanated from his hazel eyes. To her own surprise, she felt that she liked this man despite being a doctor and all. "So where's Doctor Logan?" she asked after the silent lapse.
The two men exchanged a knowing look and Doctor Webb simply said, "I'll look after the townsfolk's health from now on." He paused for a moment and then he added, "Shall I escort you to my new office, Ma'am?"
Lou simply nodded, beginning to feel nervous again. For one moment she had forgotten what had brought her to town in the first place with all this conversation and the apparently mysterious change of doctors. Holding out her hand to the man to sign that she needed a minute, Lou crouched before her child. "Tommy-boy," she started while she neatly tucked the loose shirt ends inside his trousers, "You're gonna stay here with Teaspoon while Mama sees the doctor, is that all right, honey?"
Instead of answering, Tommy lifted his eyes to the marshal and asked, "You gonna tell me a story?"
Teaspoon grinned proudly, glad that at least somebody seemed to enjoy his long narrations. "Even two," he replied, winking at the boy.
Tommy smiled his brightest smile and scurrying out of Lou's hold, he ran to the marshal's side and grabbed his hand in his little one. "See, Lou? You should learn from your little fella and appreciate this old man's wisdom."
"See you later, Teaspoon," she said, shaking her head while grinning bemusedly.
"Come on, big boy. You and me are gonna have lots of fun today," he was saying as both marshal and child started walking down the walkway towards Teaspoon's office.
Lou kept staring at the strange pair, and at some point Tommy turned his head and while still following the marshal's lead, he waved his free little hand at her. Lou's heart surged with tenderness at his gesture, and she felt the impulse to run all the way to him and take him in her arms, but instead she just blew him a kiss. In that moment she was woken from his reverie by the doctor's deep voice. "Shall we, Ma'am?"
"Uh… yes," she said awkwardly as they began walking in the opposite direction Teaspoon and Tommy had taken. The doctor's office was just a few feet away, and she felt her heart pounding wildly as they came closer to the building. As she shuffled next to the man, Lou clutched her hands together, in a vain attempt to hide her nervous condition.
"Is Marshal Hunter related to you, Mrs. McCloud?" Doctor Webb asked as they reached the rooms housing his surgery.
"No, we're not blood relations, but he's definitely family. He's been like a father to me and my husband for years," Louise replied as she followed the doctor inside his office. As they made their way to the surgery that Lou had visited all these months ago, the doctor asked again, "So is that cute little boy your only child?"
"Uh… no," Louise answered hesitantly while she took the seat before the big mahogany desk in the small surgery as Doctor Webb gestured her to do so, "there's another one; he's at school."
"Good," the doctor let out with a contented expression as he sat down himself on his chair and started to look for his spectacles among the dozens of papers scattered on the table. Louise looked around her and seeing the makeshift bed where she had laid down that horrible day, her throat tightened and she felt a cold sweat on her forehead. She wanted to shut her eyes and block all those painful memories that came rushing over her overwhelmingly. Without even realizing it, she began wringing her hands nervously and tapping her feet on the hard floor. Her whole being was in such turmoil that Dr Webb had to call her name three times to draw her attention.
"Sorry, what did you say?" Louise responded clumsily.
The man chuckled at the lady's absent-mindedness and added, "I have the impression you don't like us doctors very much, do you?" Lou did not say anything, but smiled shyly in admittance. "Let me tell you a secret, Ma'am. We may have this all-serious and stilted appearance but we doctors really don't bite, only occasionally." Lou grinned at the comment, feeling strangely more relaxed by this man's easy and kind manners. "So will you tell me what the problem is here?" Doctor Webb asked, adjusting his spectacles which keep sliding down his nose.
"I… I haven't been feeling very well lately," she said in a very soft voice, the smell of the medicine in the room making her a bit light-headed.
"I understand, we'll see what we can do about it!" the doctor replied and straightway he began asking a long list of questions, which Lou answered without much enthusiasm and at the same time he scribbled all those answers on a paper with a steady and quick hand. The questions seemed endless, and Louise was getting tired, especially when she had to talk about some too embarrassing matters to her liking. She just wanted to finish with all this once and for all, and have the certainty of what was happening to her.
After the questioning and an examination which she had initially been reluctant to, Lou was again sitting just in the same position as she had been when she first stepped in. 'This is it," she thought fearfully as she waited for the doctor to start talking and once again she began unconsciously wringing her hands, which were strangely cold despite it being June already.
The doctor cleared his throat, and after taking off his spectacles he started, "Mrs. McCloud." Lou looked at him expectantly with big eyes while he paused for a moment to watch the woman sitting opposite him, who obviously was very agitated despite his previous reassurances. After those brief seconds he continued with a smile, "Let me be the first to congratulate you." At her obviously confused expression he added, "You're expecting."
Lou's face remained impassive, not showing any kind of emotion or reaction as if she wasn't understanding a word the doctor was saying and she simply stuttered, "Wh…What?"
"You are pregnant," he elaborated with a placid smile.
"That's impossible! I … I can't have children!" she exclaimed with an expression that was a mixture between shock and horror.
Doctor Webb sighed and began massaging the area between his two eyes. It wasn't the first time that he had been part of a scene similar to this one. Often a new baby was a curse rather than the blessing it should be to the parents. Another mouth to feed in these rough times wasn't really welcome when there were too many in the family as it was. "Mrs. McCloud," he began softly, "I know that a new child's arrival isn't always easy but…"
"It ain't that I don't want to have children," Lou replied; her voice had got a shrill pitch since the doctor had dropped that unexpected bombshell. "It's that I can't have children. There's a difference, sir." She was beginning to dislike this doctor, who had initially appeared so kind and polite. How did he dare play with her feelings like that? This was the one thing that hurt her most and she wasn't going to allow anybody to make hasty assumptions in that respect. What kind of doctor was he? Was he so inept that he just assumed that any woman feeling unwell had to be with child? The pain mixed with the fury was perturbing her greatly. She was feeling her throat tighten and tears threaten behind her eyes. Her right hand clutched the edge of the desk, sensing that her body might swing off the seat at any moment.
The doctor looked at her with a strange expression as if what she was saying didn't make any sense whatsoever. "You have two children," he reminded her.
"I do, but no pregnancies, Dr Webb," she said with a firmer voice than she believed she had right now. All the world seemed to have gone crazy, and she felt as if she were in some kind of surreal atmosphere. Why the hell was she taking part in this senseless discussion? She shouldn't have to try to convince the doctor about her own physical condition; he should know that by himself instead of making those crazy assumptions. Breathing in deeply, she added, "Doctor Logan clearly said that I can't bear children."
The man's expression changed drastically from disbelief to one of understanding. He leaned his back against the chair he was sitting on and simply said, "Oh I see."
Lou had half a mind in rising to her feet and leaving the place at once. She was angry that this man was making her feel so miserable all of a sudden with his rash words. However, she remained sitting there without moving. Deep down she knew that some tiny part of her heart wanted to believe what the doctor was telling her.
"Let me tell you a little story, Mrs. McCloud." Lou didn't say anything and just looked at him expectantly. "I met the woman who today is my wife through her brother. We went to medical school together in St Louis, and we became inseparable. He is … was like a brother to me." Lou nodded absently as the doctor talked, getting annoyed and impatient. She did not have the heart or the time to listen to his stories or anything, but still she did not say anything and stayed there impassively. "A few months ago he was found murdered in the garden of his house. His killers had buried him there and a stray dog sneaked in the property and made the discovery of the place that had been his grave," Doctor Webb let out bitterly.
"I'm sorry," Louise muttered.
"That man was Doctor Logan," he revealed, watching her reaction carefully.
Surprise and confusion registered in her face instantly and Louise stuttered, not understanding a thing, "But… but … how? What?"
"The person who made himself be known as Doctor Logan in this town was a certain Browne," the physician continued. "He had been working as an assistant for my brother-in-law for a couple of years. This man, Browne, was not completely unacquainted with medicine; apparently he had been working with a folk healer since he was a boy. In any case, he and Anne… the person you knew as Mrs. Logan took a liking to each other, became quite close, you know, and they must have thought that my good brother-in-law was in their way, so they decided to get rid of him and hide in this town under Doctor Logan's respectable name and impeccable reputation."
Shock was evident in Lou's countenance. "He was no doctor?" she asked in a shaky voice.
"I'm afraid not."
"He told me I would never be able to have children of my own; he told Kid," she continued in a whisper as if talking to herself. "He did."
Doctor Webb noticed that the lady in front of him was getting more and more upset. It was no wonder that Rock Creek's mayor had wanted to keep this matter of the fake Doctor Logan as discreet as possible. It wouldn't do him any good if people learned that he had put their lives in jeopardy by hiring somebody who wasn't a real doctor. Doctor Webb was also aware that many people could react understandably disturbed; there was no saying what havoc this Browne had caused in the months he had passed himself as a doctor. "Mrs. McCloud," he said hesitantly, "I imagine it's not easy, but could you tell me what happened to get this diagnosis from this… man?"
As steadily as she could, Lou told Doctor Webb what had taken place in this little room so many months ago. She had never talked about it to anybody, not even to Kid, and she felt she was breaking inside with every word she uttered. Even though that day was hazy in her mind, she could clearly still remember the terrible pain, Doctor Logan's (or whoever he was) scared countenance, the looks passing between him and the woman. She didn't want to remember anything and wished she could erase all that from her mind, but the memories clung to her like a limpet. Hot tears threatened to spill but she fought them hard and managed to finish her account without pouring a single one.
Doctor Webb remained silent for a few minutes after Lou had finished talking. He pondered everything of her telling, and then he said, "By what you tell me, I believe that you had … or more probably were caused a miscarriage."
"A…a miscarriage?" Lou let out with a cracked voice, her throat felt on fire as she repeated that word.
The doctor nodded and unable to sit still any longer, Louise jumped to her feet and turned her back to him. Doctor Webb continued talking from his position behind the desk. "I really can't say why he told you all that buck wash about you not being able to conceive. Maybe he was scared after realizing what he had done or just wanted to protect himself. Who knows?" Tears were rolling down her face as Louise listened to the doctor. The pressure in her chest was making it difficult to breathe and her head was starting to ache something terrible. "I imagine you must be really confused with all this, Ma'am," the doctor carried on talking as he gazed at the woman's figure with her back to him. Her shoulders were hunched and all her body seemed to be trembling; obviously she was upset at discovering such a turn of events in her life. "I guess you don't know what to believe. You can seek a second opinion if you want to, but if my calculations are correct, you're going to be a mother at the end of December."
"Oh God," Lou let out in a wail as her hands came to cover her mouth. Her whole body was shaking and she just couldn't stop the tears that were profusely flowing as all her thoughts went out for Kid. What would he say when she told him? His happy face danced before her eyes, and the sobs became more violent.
Noticing her upset condition, Doctor Webb stood up and came close to her. "Mrs. McCloud, are you all right?"
Louise wiped her tears with a handkerchief that the doctor handed to her, which was a rather useless task as she just couldn't stop sobbing. Nodding her head as an answer to the man's question, she said in a husky and shaky voice, "I need to go."
"You sure? Would you rather I go and fetch the marshal or … maybe your husband?" the doctor offered, not convinced that the woman was in a suitable condition to leave the office on her own.
"No!" she exclaimed, "I'm fine." Taking in a deep inhale, Lou momentarily managed to control the sobs which were ready to be released at any moment. "I'm fine," she repeated as he shook hands with Doctor Webb. "Thank you very much."
"Why don't you and your husband come back tomorrow or when you feel better and we can have a chat more calmly? I need to explain to you a few things you need to know as an expectant Mama," the doctor suggested and Lou simply nodded, not really paying attention to his words and eager to leave the place.
The doctor bid her good-day but Lou never said a word. She just dashed out of the building like a bat out of hell. The sobs started again as soon as the door clicked closed behind her. The conversation with Dr Webb kept replaying in her mind and the pain coursed over her devastatingly. She had had a miscarriage! Kid and she had started a baby, a baby that they had never even known of its existence and that man had killed it!
All those long months of bitterness and loneliness were agonizingly present as she aimlessly walked along Rock Creek's streets. The tears blurred her vision, and she couldn't really see where she was going. She painfully thought how she had made everybody suffer just for a lie, an evil damn lie. Kid could be out of her life for good right at this moment; that was what she had wanted, what she had been so adamant about during all these months. Imagining her husband making a life somewhere else with somebody else was enough to make her sobs increase and her legs stagger. She fell down against the wall of the building of the narrow alley she was blindly crossing in this crazy roaming of the town, hitting her face. There was nobody in sight as she dropped to her knees in this semi-darkened alley, feeling her right cheek throb painfully while her body was racked by loud sobs, which nobody ever heard.