Author's notes: You know what. I'm not done with this story. It doesn't end, it's a constant struggle. Plus I've been reading up on the characters more and I've learned some cool facts about Dick Grayson that I'm going to be exploring.
Also Big thank you to NoNaMe19Kaneis! Thank you so much for your review and answering my questions! This is a big shout out to you!
Trigger warning: Talks about self harm, trauma, mentions of religious stuff (in case you don't like that)
Wally can't stand the way they're looking at him. Like he's fragile and tiny. Something he's tried to avoid for so many years. Barry looks at his nephew in shock. He can't believe that Wally would do anything like this. Wally can't meet his uncle's eyes. The bandages around his arm, which Artemis had rewrapped last night, feel more like a badge of shame. A secret that should still be hidden.
"Wally, why-how could you do something like this?" Black Canary asks. As the therapist for the team, she tries to think of any signs he might have shown. Any signs she might have noticed but dismissed as something else or that she might have not seen all together.
Wally tries to speak, but the words die on his lips. Beyond his mentors, his team tries hard not to stare. Robin hasn't left his room all day, worrying them. Artemis still seems a little numb after their talk yesterday, but she doesn't look as betrayed as before. She nods at him, gesturing for him to talk to them.
"I'm sorry." His voice breaks," I didn't know how to ask for help."
"You four, give us the room," Canary orders the others. Wally's eyes widen with panic. He wouldn't be able to say anything if his friends weren't here. If Artemis wasn't here. Canary notices his reaction," On second thought, M'gann, lock the door."
M'gann obliges, and the four approach their friend. Canary gestures for them to sit around the table. Artemis sits closest to Wally, her hand a few inches from his. M'gann, Conner, and Kaldur sit beside the couple though distancing themselves to look at the speedster. Wally can't help but look up at them in shame. Kaldur has a stern, but concerned look to him. M'gann looks like she had been up all night. Conner still looks angry, but he always looks angry. A pit forms in his stomach with the absence of his best friend.
"I can't explain myself," He says," I've- I've been hurting for a long time. Even before I was a hero. I hurt you all and there's no excuse for it."
"Why didn't you come talk to one of us?" Canary asks," If not a league member than one of your teammates."
"Because you all needed me to be strong," He meets their eyes for the first time. Something is different in his green irises. Some spark that he had was gone," You all needed me to be Wally, and Wally is bright, funnyish, and happy. I've tried so hard to be Wally and I can't be him anymore."
"Wally, this job is hard, we all understand that-" Wally cuts Barry off.
"It's hard, yeah. But what's harder is there's no permanent solution. We put these villains in jail or in Arkham and they break out. Over and over and over and over. It feels like I'm running in circles fighting the same villains. One goes down another pops up. I'm trying to save as many people as I can, but someone still gets hurt. Someone gets killed when I fuck up."
The young heroes are shocked. Not that he swore, Wally generally swears when he's pissed off, freaking out, or turned on as Artemis knew. They're shocked at the pain in his eyes. The fact he genuinely believes what he's saying. Artemis closes the distance between their hands, intertwining her fingers with his. His skin is warmer than her own. She can practically feel the speed force pounding against her fingertips. Last night, after their talk, they had fallen asleep on her bed. She'd woken up when her mother came home, Wally's shirt balled up in her fist, like he'd be gone if she let go. Wally had woken up to see Artemis relaxed for the first time in a while. Like she'd let all the bad in her life stop having power over her.
"Wally, there are things that are beyond even our control," Canary understands where he's coming from, also noting the young couple's sudden dependency on each other.
"Why? I can break the sound barrier in my sneakers. Kaldur is from Atlantis. M'gann is from Mars and is more powerful than Manhunter. Artemis can hit a target from 150 yards. Conner is half kryptonian. Robin-" He bites his lip. Robin has suffered more than any of them. Artemis might have been raised to kill people, M'gann might have been persecuted on Mars, Conner might be clone, Kaldur might have had to leave his home, but Dick had watched his parents fall to their deaths. The others were practically breed to deal with this shit filled life, Wally knows that he wanted to a part of it since he was a kid. Dick had a chance. He had a chance to live a normal life. He could have avoided this all together. But his parents were murdered. He was alone and Batman had taken him in," Robin can disappear and reappear before most of us notice. That's just us. Not including Zatanna, Rocket, Tula, Garth, everyone else. Plus the league. Why shouldn't we be able to save more people?"
"This isn't what's concerning us," Canary tells him," You were hurting yourself-"
"Because I wasn't good enough. Someone died yesterday. Because I wasn't fast enough. I reacted to slow. One more second and I could have saved him," Wally's hands twitch. He wants to cut so badly. His chest begins to tighten so much that he can't breathe. His mind begins to run in circles, voices hissing his failures in his head. Artemis tightens her grip on his hand.
"Wally, you can't save everyone. People are going to get hurt. People are going to hurt other people because they can. Or they don't mean to. Either way someone is going to suffer. People suffer everyday," Mgann tries to provide his friend with some perspective," We're heroes, not miracle workers."
"I know that," He stands," I'm sorry. I need some time to think. I know I haven't earned any trust, hell, I've probably lost more than I ever had. I just… I need to clear my head."
"Of course. But we do have to talk about this, Wally," Canary says," This isn't going to go away."
"I know," Wally leans down, kissing Artemis's cheek. There's a lingering sadness between the two. A deeper understanding of each other's pain or just a deeper respect for the other. They all watch him leave. M'gann turns to her best friend.
"Artemis?" The archer won't meet any of their eyes as she leaves. Connor jumps up, grabbing her hand. There's no love to it, like when he grabs M'gann's hand. There's a panic.
"We almost lost one of our own yesterday. Ro-Dick still hasn't talked to any of us. I don't know if he's ok or finally breaking down. Please, we can't lose you too," Connor looks at her the way she wish Jade would look at her. With concern and love for her. Conner's in love with M'gann, they can all tell that, but as much as he might deny it, the team is his family. He loves Artemis like a sister, and wants her to be ok.
"Right now, I'm not important."
"Yes you are," Kaldur and M'gann join them now. The Atlantian places a hand on the archer's shoulder," You are important. You are a part of this team, of this family. No one here is without value."
Artemis doesn't know what to say. Every part of her mind screams for her to brush it off. To tell them she'll be fine and walk off. How many times has Wally done that to me? She wonders. No, they are her family. They love her. She takes a deep breath," There's somethings that I need to tell you."
Wally walks through Mount Justice slowly. He avoids any areas with sharp objects. He avoids his room. The need to cut is still in the back of his mind. His arm aches, begging for relief. He should call his parents. Tell them that he's ok. During the summer they weren't as worried about him not coming home at night, as training ran late or last minute missions popped up. They had hosted some of his friends before, when a mission ended at 2:30 and they were all to tired to get back to headquarters. They gave him a talk about responsibility and making smart choices, but said that they trusted him, even if he ended up spending the night with his girlfriend. As long as he called, they didn't mind. He'd have to tell them he spent the night at Artemis's place. They didn't do anything, aside from talking and sleeping. Her mom was really cool about it. Maybe she had sensed their need to be near each other. He'd slept in the spare bed in Artemis's room, but Artemis crawled in with him around 2 am. He had a sinking feeling that it was only because she needed to make sure he didn't die in the middle of the night.
He slips into the Med bay, hoping there might be something to help with his arm. He finds a bottle of pain meds specifically for him and Barry. He throws one back, giving the medicine a minute to null the throbbing in his arm. He returns the bottle to it's place, grabbing gauze and medical tape. He carefully unwraps his arm. The bleeding had stopped hours ago, so he gets a solid look at his work. Five thick cuts run across his wrist. No not cuts, the edges are still too jagged to be just cuts. He must have torn the flesh, not realizing it. It explains why they haven't healed. He'd scar no doubt. He grabs a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a fist full of q-tips. After dipping the q-tip into hydrogen peroxide, he dabs it into one of the wounds.
"Son of a bitch!" The sting catches him off guard. It's been awhile since he's had a cut this bad. Most of his wounds heal within a few minutes. Particularly bad wounds, like gun shot wounds or broken bones, take a few days or a few weeks. He grits his teeth, cleaning the wounds quickly before wrapping them up in gauze. He stares down at the blood tipped q-tips. Anger builds up inside him. He throws the bottle of hydrogen peroxide against the wall. The plastic bottle bounces off harmlessly, landing on the ground. He slams his fists into the counter.
He fucked up again! Anger, sadness, and fear fill his head. They weren't supposed to find out! He hurt them more than he hurt himself! He hurt Artemis! He slams his fists into the countertop over and over and over. He remembers the emptiness in her eyes as they talked. About her father calling her worthless. Tears burn his eyes. He made her feel that pain. He hurt her. Because he was selfish, and weak, and and and...
He realizes his hands are searching for something to cut with. Forcing himself to leave the room, he walks down towards the bedroom area. Not his own. No way in hell would he be able to go there anytime soon. He's tempted to go to Artemis's room. She never minded if he was in there with her. At least not after they were dating. He notices one door is ajar, one that's always tightly closed. Robin's room. He peeks inside. The fourteen year old lays, almost unmoving, on his bed. His hands cover his face, black hair poking through the gaps.
"Dick?" Wally knocks on the door," Hey, dude, you awake?"
Dick sits up. His messy black hair sticks up in odd angles. Wally can tell that he's just had a massive panic attack. Dick has had panic attacks for the last four years. Since his parents fell to their death. He has done a great job never letting anyone on the team know. Wally found out two years ago, when Dick told him his real identity. His blue eyes take a second to focus on the red head. Betrayal stings his eyes.
"You told her. You told her my name." He accuses.
Wally sighs, a fresh wave of guilt hitting him," I know. I told her and then begged her not to let you know I spilled the beans."
"That's two secrets you've kept from me." Dick points out. Wally can't answer," When did you tell her?"
"She cornered me in my room after you guys got back from Halley's circus. She demanded answers. She was worried about you, Dick," He slowly approaches the bed. When Dick doesn't throw anything at him, he takes it as a sign that he can sit down," You never get attached to any mission, besides the normal joy you get out of causing the other side pain. She knew something was up, something personal."
"You told her everything?" He shakes his head.
"I told her your name and how you were a part of a troupe called the Flying Graysons. I had to tell her about your parents, because she'd figure it out sooner or later. I told her as little as I could," Wally swears," I know that it wasn't right. I had no right to tell her about your past. Your secrets. I'm sorry, dude."
Silence fills the room for a solid minute. Dick looks down at his hands," Did I ever tell you I'm Christian?"
Wally stares at him in a stunned silence. He had figured anyone affiliated with Batman wasn't religious. His own mom had given up on him going to church.
"My parents, they wanted me to have something that was normal in my life. Because of the circus, school and home were kind of one in the same. But Mom use to tell me that every time she performed, she would thank God for the opportunity to do what she loved with the people she loved. She would also ask Him to keep them safe throughout the performance." His eyes squeeze shut remembering his mother's kind voice," Dad would tell me that as long as I kept faith, nothing bad would happen. Guess he didn't expect me to be an orphaned superhero by 10 years old."
"Dick, I don't know what to say." Wally is shocked by the look Dick gives him. The raw emotion in his eyes is something he's never seen before.
"After my parents died, the only thing that kept me from going completely off the deep end, like Bruce, the only thing was the fact that I knew they were with God. They were at peace even if they weren't with me. I wanted to hate God for taking them away, but I couldn't. He gave me another father. A different chance in life. It's not normal, but it's my life," He squeezes his hands into fists," I thought He had let everything in my life settle. Then we found you yesterday. I thought that God took you away, Wally."
Wally is shocked at the tears in his friend's eyes. Dick curls into a tight ball, just like yesterday. Like he's holding himself together, but only just. Wally reaches over, placing a hand on his best friend's knee.
"I don't believe in God, you know that, but I think if He does exist, He let me live, even though I should have died. Not just yesterday. Through all our missions, through the explosion that gave me my powers, through some of our dumb choices. I think He let me live because He knew you needed me to be ok." Wally tries hard to think of anything else to say," I don't know why He would let good people suffer, but I do know that He has to let good people have good in their lives."
Dick turns away from Wally," Can I be alone now?"
"Yeah." Wally starts to leave. He stops at the door," Dick, You know that what I did had nothing to do with you, right?"
"Wally, get out of my room." He commands. Wally leaves, trying not to feel awful about how the conversation went. He decides he can't stay inside anymore. They have their own private strip of beach, so he grabs a blanket and heads outside. The waves hit the sand in a soft, consistent rhythm. The June sun feels warm on his skin. He spread out his blanket before sitting down. The ocean glitters as far as he can see. Birds fly overhead, squawking about who knows what. Maybe it's about the weird, freckled, redhead kid sitting by himself.
Wally watches the ocean, waiting for a sign of some kind. That maybe he isn't a massive fuck up. He loses himself in this thoughts, ranging from pessimistic self hatred to possible apologies to the team to Artemis. He wonders what she's doing right now. If she's talked to Canary about what he told her. About his own past.
Who'd go out with a freak like you? You can't do anything right! Wally tenses. They aren't real. They're just memories. They don't mean anything. Just things the bullies said. He's doing great in his life. He has a lot. So why hurt yourself? If you have so much, why hurt yourself? His thoughts battle with him. Anytime he thinks of something happy, it comes up with a reason he should be sad. Anytime he thinks of something sad, it reminds him of something he has to look forward to.
As the sun begins to set, his phone buzzes, breaking his internal fight. A text from Artemis illuminates the screen. Wally? No one's seen you in a while. When did you eat last? His stomach growls in annoyance. Despite his mind's turmoil, he still needed to eat. He texts Artemis back I was on the beach thinking. I don't know when I ate last. I'm coming inside in a minute.
His phones buzzes less than a minute later. She says that it's ok. She just wanted to check in on him. He feels his heart leap. He hadn't fucked up his relationship! She was still worried about him. He goes inside, stopping in the kitchen to eat a quick sandwich. He washes his plate, hearing people walking towards him. Not wanting to be unintentionally shamed, he runs to the other door. He listens as M'gann begins cooking dinner.
"I still can't believe any of it," Her voice is soft.
"Neither can I," Kaldur agrees," We all have kept our secrets, for what we feel is for the good of the team or for ourselves, but this is not something to have been kept."
"Guys, you're missing one thing." Conner interjects," She was trained to be an assassin. Somehow, I doubt mistakes were tolerated by Sportsmaster. Wally had a point, we do expect him to be a certain way. As for Dick…"
"Has he come out of his room at all?" M'gann asks.
"No," Kaldur responds," I tried to speak with him earlier, but he seemed rather upset."
"Can you blame him? The last 24 hours haven't been normal, even by our standards,"Conner point out. Wally leaves, unable to listen anymore.
Artemis lays in her bed, drained. She had told them almost everything she had told Wally yesterday, enduring hugs and words of love and comfort and all that bullshit. That, plus waking up a billion times last night to check on Wally, left her exhausted. Aside from pushing her jacket and boots off, she can't move a muscle. This room is a little bigger than her room at home, but not nearly as comfortable. At home, her sheets smelled like her. She could hear her mom rolling down the hall, telling her the delicious smells wafting from outside meant dinner was done. The Cave has slowly become a second home over the last few months, but it's also way too big. There are times that she felt alone just being in her room. Her door slides open. She knows by the clumsy, but quick steps that it's Wally. He slides into bed beside her, pulling her body close to his.
She tries to imagine that they've both just finished training. Something about beating the crap out of each other seemed to make them want to be near each other. She focuses on his hands, one tracing lazy circles on her stomach. His body is warm and soft. She turns so she can hold him back. Burying her face in his neck, she tries hard not to fall asleep.
"You saved my life," He murmurs, twisting her long hair between his fingers. He loves her hair. The thick blonde locks were always soft. She never let her hair down around anyone but him. He had spent hours before, just playing with her hair, making her laugh. Now he's aware of her soft breathing, her barely open eyes. He kisses her forehead," If you hadn't come to find me, I would probably be dead."
"You're not allowed to die," She stifles a yawn," I need you still. If we ever break up, then you can die."
"So it's an if, not a when?" He clarifies. She kisses his neck lightly. He can't help but feel like this is right. Them cuddled together like this, Him holding her in his arms, where she feels safe. But where she gives him the strength to protect her. They've been dating for less than seven months, but superhero relationships were never normal. He trusted her with his life, trusted her to see the parts of him that he was insecure about. Artemis is learning to let her walls down around him, letting him in to see her fears and her flaws.
"Shut up," She orders. He obeys, kissing her sleepy mouth. There were some kisses between them that were definitely more about pleasure, There were some that were more about necessity, like just before a mission where they could die. There were some that were because they could, Wally tended to give most of these when she was doing something else. Thanks to his superspeed he had stolen many kisses and received many punches to the arm. These kisses are their favorite, though neither would admit it. The kiss isn't about them just pressing their mouths together. It's more them saying what they didn't have the courage to say. Things that they will say one day. Promises both intend to keep. He pulls away, hoping she understands that he needs her too. She falls asleep a minute later, his shirt balled up in her fists. He turns on his back, gently pulling her on top of him. He falls asleep not long after, comforted by her presence.
They look like they've been together for years instead of months. It's hard to believe they hated each other almost a year ago. They are so content with each other, so at peace. They had both been forced into a light they weren't 100% ready for, but as long as they have each other's backs, they don't care what comes next.
Author's notes: OH MY GOD! Sorry… Gave myself feels. Spitfire is probably my favorite pair ever. I actually found a great blog post from one of the show's creators (Link below) about their relationship and it's early stages. I have to admit, I kind of cried writing Artemis this time, because I am her. Emotionally at least *glares at my short brown hair*. I also cried because I thought my ex understood my baggage the way that Wally tries to understand Artemis's. Stepping away from my crappy love life, I also got a tumblr! Follow me ( .com ) to chat or request stories. I'm not sure if I'll put another chapter on this story. I'll think about. Love y'all.
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