"All I want is the best for our lives my dear
And you know my wishes are sincere
What's to say for the days I cannot bear"
-Beirut
"You know when you really need to do something," I said one day, "but you really don't want to?"
Sasuke shrugged. "It depends on what you mean."
I sat up from where I was laying on the ground. I had run into him on my way to our spot under the tree. "You know what I mean. Like... responsibility. It sucks. I know I need to start preparing for the future, but I don't want to. I'm kind of scared." Sasuke was the only person that I could be so vulnerable around.
"I know what you mean." He sighed. "I'm not even sure what I'm doing most of the time." That was rich, coming from someone who was basically perfect. When I told him that, he snorted. "Not even close."
"Oh come on Uchiha," I grumbled, "it's like you know exactly what you're doing in life already."
"I've had a lot of time to think." He answered me. I guess that made sense. Sasuke was alone most of the time, when he wasn't with Naruto or me. "Besides, you're going to be fine."
"You have too much faith in me." I groaned, laying back on the ground with a thump. It was spring already, and I hadn't even decided what college I wanted to attend yet. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to do honestly. No matter what I projected to everyone else, I felt like I was flatlining.
"You'll figure it out." He said. "You always do."
Everyone returned to school about a week after New Year's Day. I was actually kind of excited to go back to school after winter break - I was returning as Student Body Vice President. Thankfully, the scratch that Karin had given me at Ino's party had healed. There was only a faint scar (which I was still kind of pissed about) but I covered it with makeup so that it wasn't even visible.
My parents had wanted to press charges after hearing about how I had gotten the mark, but I said no. I didn't want to draw any negative attention to myself. I hadn't really seen Sasuke either since that night either. He had called me the next day to check on me, but besides that I had heard nothing from him.
On the first day back from school, I was prepared to kick some butt. Our first official student council meeting wasn't until Thursday after school, but Sasuke had wanted to have an officer meeting that day so we could all make a plan for the semester.
"I think we all need to talk about what we want for the student body, and for the semester." Sasuke had told me that morning when he caught up to me in the hallway. I was just about to walk through the door to my English class when he stopped me.
"Hey Uchiha," I said, "I haven't seen you in like a week."
"I've been busy..." Sasuke said, but he didn't elaborate. I hoped everything was okay.
"I can meet after school." I told him. I really was about to be late.
Once I stepped into the classroom, I saw Karin. She had obviously been staring at the exchange between Sasuke and me, but when I looked at her she did meet my eyes. Did she feel bad or something? I hoped so.
To my surprise, Ino was sitting beside my usual seat, chatting with Hinata and Tenten. "Hey Ino," I said. "What are you doing?" She usually always sat with the group of friends she had in this class.
"I wanted to sit somewhere else," she replied, "for the new year." She told me later that she couldn't be friends with Karin anymore because of her drinking problem. Apparently it had been getting out of control before our little incident at New Year's.
I just shrugged. It's not like I was complaining.
I noticed a change in how everyone treated me since we returned to school. Thankfully, not a lot of people had heard about what had happened between Karin and me, but I did hear a lot of whispering when I passed by other students in the hallway. Also, I had a lot more people come up to talk to me. It was a little strange, actually. I had become so used to being invisible that this newfound popularity was hard to get used to. Really, at the beginning of the year I would have been delighted. Now it seemed out of place.
In fact, Art class was the only place that I felt I could really be myself. It was the place that I knew I wouldn't be judged, and that I was the most comfortable. Deidara was also pleased with how much I had progressed.
"This is much better than the beginning of the year," he informed me. We had just been sketching in class for the first week. We were about to start big projects soon and he didn't want to bother with getting a lot of material out before then. "See how your shading is now?" To tell the truth, I still wasn't quite sure what he was talking about, but I was happy that he had given me a rare compliment.
It was also a perfect place for me to be able to talk to Hinata without interruption. I loved Naruto, but sometimes I just wanted a moment alone with my friend.
"So," I said, "how is everything?"
"It's fine," she smiled at me, "just like everything now. How's your face?"
"It's great." I said. Honestly, I didn't really like talking about it, and was pretty ready for everyone to forget about it soon.
For my friends, it was like everything was going in their favor, and I was extremely happy for them. It kind of made me feel like I was taking care of them before I had to leave. If I had to leave, of course. I had even re-applied to the college I wanted to go to, plus one more that I had been thinking about. It was a way for me to feel like a normal high schooler again, and to be a little optimistic. Also, my essays were a lot more kick-ass than last time.
The day passed by, until the officer meeting after school. I was a little anxious to talk to Sasuke. He had seemed distant all day, in a way I couldn't describe. We had spoken some, but everything he said to me seemed very absentminded, like he wasn't paying much attention. I hoped that if I had some time alone with him after the meeting I could figure out if something was wrong.
I was the last one to arrive to the meeting (I had been running a little late because I had to grab something from the art room that I wanted to take home), and I found everyone staring at me. It was just the four of us today - Sasuke and me, plus the secretary and treasurer for the student body: Sai (the prodigy from my art class) and Jugo (one of the football team members that somehow ended up in the NHS).
"Good afternoon," Sasuke said to all of us once I was seated. "I wanted to have this meeting so that you could all meet our new Vice President," he nodded to me, "and so we could discuss what we're planning on doing for the semesters." He went on, explaining the plans he had sorted out, and the goals he wanted us to meet. I had to give it to him - Sasuke was very organized. I even received my own sheet of paper detailing what I was supposed to accomplish for the semester. A lot of it had to do with prom, but there was a significant portion that had some of Sasuke's own tasks that I was supposed to help with.
When the meeting was over, Sasuke left quickly before I could say anything to him. Obviously something was up, but how was I supposed to know what was wrong? Everything had seemed perfectly fine before we came back to school. I thought I had made progress.
A week passed, and he still seemed distant. Only Ino really seemed to notice.
"I don't know why he's acting like this." I told her, after I had become frustrated. Sure, back when I had been friends with Sasuke he had never really formed any other relationships with girls (at least, not much - the occasional girlfriend would come and go, but it was very short-lasting), but I couldn't remember him doing anything like this before. "It's weird though. It's not like he's ignoring me or anything, he's just being so... dismissive."
"Boys are weird." Ino said. We were sitting inside a café that was by her house after our Student Council meeting on Thursday (as it turned out, Ino was Secretary for the senior class). "I'll find out what his problem is though," she said slyly, "I always do."
"I hope so." I sighed. It was times like this when I was grateful for my friendship with Ino.
"He was so sweet to you at my party too." She said. "I don't think I've ever seen him look so concerned about someone who wasn't Naruto."
"Yeah," I said, "that was nice."
"He's probably just scared," she replied, "maybe he's not ready for a relationship yet or something, and he's afraid he's leading you on." Could that be it?
"I don't know," I said. "He hasn't really acted like he's interested in me that much." To me, he was just being a good friend.
"Are you being serious?" Ino laughed. "Of course he's into you. Why else would Karin be so jealous?"
"I don't know," I said. "Because she's crazy?"
"That too." Ino said, taking a sip of her coffee.
"I miss you." It was a miracle. I was standing in front of Sasuke, and he actually remembered me.
I teared up a little when he embraced me. It was so warm, and I hadn't realized how much I had missed this. Just being close to him, and knowing that he loved me back. Well, I hadn't really known before either, but it was comforting now. "I've always loved you." He said, and I could feel his breath on my shoulder.
"I wish it could be like this right now." I told him. "I didn't mean for it to end up this way..." I trailed off. He looked bothered by something.
"It could be different," he said quietly, "if you wouldn't have treated me the way you did."
"I know," I said, "I was horrible and I'm so sorry-"
"It's too late for that now," Sasuke interrupted, "look what you've done. Things will never be the same. What makes you think I would want to be with you if I could remember what you did to me? I've always loved you, but you threw it away." He sounded more than angry - like he hated me.
"But..." It was like I couldn't find the words. "I love you. Isn't that enough?"
"It's all about you, isn't it?" He said. "It always has been."
I woke up shaking and gasping for air. I hadn't had a nightmare like that in awhile, and this one caught me off guard. I knew it was just a dream, but could it be true? Would Sasuke want to be with me if he remembered how I had treated him before? I regretted it horribly, but did that mean I deserved his love? I desperately wished that I had someone to talk to about this, but I knew if I told anyone they would think I was crazy. I wasn't even sure if I would be able to if I tried.
Sitting up in my bed, I had an idea. "Konan?" I whispered. "Are you there?" God, I sounded stupid.
I waited a few seconds, to see if my summoning worked. To my disappointment, she wasn't there. Leave it to me to think that I could call some sort of witch/spirit/thing and have her respond to me immediately. She probably had better things to do anyway-
"You've never called me before." Konan looked out of place in my pink bedroom.
I shrieked. "I didn't actually think you would show up." I was hoping though.
"You have a lot on your mind," she observed. "You don't think that Sasuke will accept you back if he knew what happened."
"That's what I've been thinking." I said, wondering how she could get in my head like that. "How do I know if what I'm doing is right? For Sasuke, at least."
"That isn't up to me," Konan said unhelpfully.
Then what is? I thought. Instead, I said, "Is it against some sort of rules to tell someone about what's happening to me?"
"Not necessarily," she replied. Her glassy blue eyes revealed nothing. "However, in my experience those who have tried to talk about magic to their friends usually aren't received well." Well duh, I would think they were crazy too.
"I just wish I could talk to someone about this," I sighed, "it's kind of lonely, not having anyone to talk to about it. Besides you, of course." I added, although I wouldn't really call Konan's presence very comforting. It was the opposite actually.
"You don't have to worry about offending me, Sakura."
"Sorry," I said, "it's kind of a habit now."
"I'm glad to see that you've changed for the better." She said, surprising me. "This experience has worked out well for you."
"Yeah," I said sarcastically, "besides the fact that I could die in a few months if Sasuke doesn't fall in love with me, which doesn't seem like it's working out so far since he doesn't seem to want to talk to me right now." I suddenly felt frustrated. This was impossible.
"I never said this would be easy," she said. I felt like I had heard that from her a lot.
"I know," I said, "but can't it be a little less hard?"
She smiled a little, which startled me even more. "You have roughly five months."
I sighed. Why was this all so confusing? Konan was gone before I was done finishing that thought. I considered trying to go back to sleep, but - as usual - I was afraid to have another nightmare. I looked at my alarm clock; it was four in the morning. Great.
I went a few more days before I confronted Sasuke. I hadn't planned on talking to him about it, not really, but it slipped out one day after calculus when we were heading the same direction.
"Did I do something wrong?" I asked him. It was right after I had asked him how his weekend went (I hadn't heard from him at all), and he gave me a very vague, dismissive response. "Because I would appreciate it if you would just tell me to my face before I embarrass myself by thinking we're friends." Wow I sounded like a bitch.
He looked a little startled. "No," he said, "you haven't done anything wrong."
"Then why are you acting like I'm bothering you?" I figured I was in too deep already to back out.
"It's complicated." Was the only response he gave me. What was wrong with him?
"You seem confused." I went on. "Is there anything you want to say to me?"
"I'll tell you when it starts making sense for myself." He said.
I rolled my eyes. "Well, let me know when you stop feeling so conflicted." I walked away from him then. I couldn't explain why I was so annoyed with him. I think it had something to do with all of the progress I had thought I made.
"What if I told you that we were friends before?" I was with Ino again after school. Shikamaru had been busy lately with the chess team, so we had been hanging out a lot more. "Like, for a long time?"
"You mean like reincarnation?" Ino grinned. "I could get into that."
"Sort of," I said. But was it really? "But what if it wasn't from a past life. What if it was just last year?"
"I don't understand." Ino said, her smile fading. "Is this a new trend or something?"
"It's nothing." I said. "Just sometimes I wish I had been friends with everyone a little longer."
"It's so weird," Ino said thoughtfully. "No offense, but I don't even remember being in the same classes as you. I mean, I do, but it's very vague. I'm sorry if I sound like a jerk right now." She added. "It's just that Shikamaru said the same thing the other day." Did he really?
"That's so weird," I said. I wondered if it had to do with what Sasuke said sometimes. About me reminding him of a friend he had once.
We talked more after that, and then I left, wishing that she would believe me if I told her what was really wrong.
Author's Note: This chapter is a little shorter than the last one, but I'm trying to write a lot while I can! I feel like this chapter might be a little more disappointing than the last one (and I'm sorry) but I'm hoping that I can make it a little more exciting soon. :) Thank you so much for the reviews! Please let me know what you think about this one!