A/N: Hell, what have I done to myself ;)!? I was not expecting MY OWN cliffhanger to actually kill me that much :P! Seriously, I needed to know SO BAD how this conversation would go on! PLUS I needed to solve this issue about Zuko abandoning Sureen...! And so, as a result of my impatience with my own "speed" of writing, I'm publishing chapter "10 a" now ;). Which means it's not even a complete chapter, it's just Sureen's and Zuko's dialogue ô.O! But I just. Can't. Wait. I can't wait for myself to write the f***ing rest of this chapter! So... here we go... :P
- 10 a -
DOUBT AND DETERMINATION
In the distance, Sureen noticed movement. The ferry was casting off, setting out for the opposite shore of Lake Laogai, picking up the next load of refugees at Fullmoon Bay. On its way back, the boat was almost empty. It was a strange contrast to the crowded harbor and the bustle at the foot of the huge wall of Ba Sing Se. Although people were queuing up in front of the city gates, the whole place seemed to be teeming with refugees from every tribe or nation.
Only Sureen and Zuko stood in fraught silence - the girl feverishly trying to find the right words for her reply... and the Fire Prince tensely waiting for whatever she was about to tell him.
"Zuko… Admittedly, you are neither blind nor wrong in your observations about Jet and me. Although, naturally, I can only speak for myself. I wasn't aware that things were THAT obvious, though. And maybe I wasn't even ready to admit it to myself thus far. But yes, I think you're right."
Sureen watched the prince's good eye go wide. Regardless, she went on.
"But it doesn't matter. It's of no importance. It doesn't change my priorities. My life has taught me to not let my spirit be guided by any visions of my future… 'cause my future will never come true. Or at least not the future I dare to imagine. Making future plans is one of the most crucial mistakes you can make, especially in times of war. 'Cause plans fill your soul with false hopes that only get shattered the moment everything changes. Never again will I make that mistake." The girl narrowed her eyes as she spit out the words.
"And besides…" She let out a deep breath before she continued. "No matter which way I decide when it comes to Jet - abandoning you because of him isn't even an option. There's no connection between those decisions. You KNOW why I came back for you. I told you right that day, remember? And I haven't changed my mind since then, 'cause I meant it! And so, for me, there's never been any reason to turn away from that principle! So why… how come you even question that? I mean… what on earth made you think I changed my plans that easily?! Most unrealistic idea EVER!" Anger flashed in Sureen's eyes when she faced the prince. How could he be that stupid?
Zuko couldn't withstand the piercing look the girl threw at him. For some reason, it made him boil with rage. He whirled around, punching the wall with his fist.
"'Cause that's what MY life taught me! Trusting others was one of the most crucial mistakes I could ever make. And… and… obviously I'm not as deliberate in my actions as YOU are when it comes to learning one's lessons, cause I DID make that mistake again," he ground out, his voice shaking with self-loathing. Another punch hit the wall. "Although I was second-guessing all along. Ever since that day in the abandoned village, in the back of my mind I felt that I was making a mistake when I began to trust you. But despite my misgivings, something kept me going. At the same time, though… it was like I was watching for the slightest hint to prove my doubt true. And eventually, yesterday, I got my hint. So, after all, I'm not turning away from MY principles, either. Just like you, I decided to act upon my experiences from the past." He wasn't behaving that differently from her, was he?! So where exactly was the 'unrealistic' point in his way of thinking? The prince defiantly folded his arms and finally found himself able to throw Sureen's dirty look back at her.
The girl bit her lip. Inwardly, she scolded herself for the direction this conversation was taking. It had NOT been her intention to argue with Zuko! What happened to NOT SCREWING THIS UP?! Mad at herself, she clenched her fists. No, it truly wasn't her day today. She took a deep breath to clear her mind before she spoke on.
"Very well. I'm sorry for questioning your reasons. Probably I'm in no position to depreciate them. I didn't mean to… to treat you like your reasons were kind of more stupid than mine or whatever. We both did what we thought was right, didn't we…" She flashed a rueful glance at her defiant companion, who shrugged his shoulders in reply and remained silent. "I just… I didn't have a clue. Why didn't you just ASK ME about that thing with Jet?"
"YOU didn't have a clue? Oh c'mon, seriously. All the time you see - or feel - things about me that I certainly don't intend to share with you! And then, all of a sudden, you tell me you didn't have a clue this time?"
Ouch. That one hit home. Shit! Another proof of how much Sureen actually was NOT in control of her abilities. Seemed like they decided on their own when to fail her and when to eavesdrop on other people's private thoughts or emotions. And there was no way she could explain this to him. Great.
"Yeah… so it seems. I'm sorry," she mumbled guiltily and lowered her eyes. "But still, I'm serious about what I told you earlier. About my priorities and what I'm going to do and what I'm NOT going to do. I mean… I understand that my behavior seems weird and illogical at times. And so, of course, I can't make you trust me. That's your own decision, after all. "
"Sure. But I DON'T KNOW how to decide. Like... anything. There are thousands of things I should possibly do or not do or obey or act against, and I don't know which way to go. Maybe I should really try to find my own way and I would be better off alone. I just don't have a clue. And so, all I can rely on is what my life has taught me in the past and all I know is that I want to avoid making the same mistakes time and again," the prince hissed, still angry with himself. He leaned his back against the wall and looked up to the sky, as if the answers he was searching for were hiding somewhere between the clouds. Then he slid down along the wall until he was crouched on the floor, his head buried in his arms.
Sureen felt her heart sink. Girl, watch it! You will NOT mess this up, no way, you just- you WON'T! she reminded herself sharply while taking a seat next to Zuko, her back leant against the wall as well.
"I know," she whispered. "I've been right there, too. There were times when I perfectly knew my goal and I was so sure where I was heading to and why… but way more often, I found myself at places where I couldn't tell right from wrong. Where I was faced with loads of possible options and destinations, but none of them seemed right and everything seemed to be a mistake in its own way. I've been to those determined kind of places and to those without any orientation left and everywhere in between. So I know those places exist and I know I can't make them disappear or whatever. Not when it comes to my own issues… and much less, I can make the situation change for you. But at least I know that I'm in a pretty determined place RIGHT NOW, 'cause I KNOW that I DON'T want to leave or to do anything to betray your trust. And that's all I can tell you, really, 'cause it's the truth, there's nothing else." The girl sighed. Carefully, she placed her hand on the boy's shoulder before she continued, her voice hardly more than a whisper. "I can't change the situation you're in. I can't find the answers for you. But at least I can stand by you and that's what I'm gonna do. I mean… provided you're okay with it."
Was he okay with it? The banished prince clenched his teeth. Sensing the girl crouching right next to him, feeling the touch of her hand on his shoulder, the memories of the past days came back to his mind. Sureen's dauntless appearance when he first saw her that day in the abandoned village, when she had decided to come back for him… despite his attacks that were meant to chase her away. How she didn't leave his side after he had burned down the village, giving him back at least a bit of the stability he had lost. How she even made him mount that Sera-creature and fly through the night for hours, miles above solid ground… although he was more than unwilling to. The way she had smiled at him a few days later, sitting at the campfire in that cave – her eyes had sparkled with elation in response to Zuko's awkward confession that she was 'not just a drop'. And still, he couldn't deny that that was how he felt about her. That she was more than just an unseen drop in the ocean for him. And so… was he really willing to abandon all that? Just because of some hint - some kind of "proof" of his misgivings? Because of the experiences he had had over the years? What should he listen to? Which option should he go for?
If he just had any… guidance-! Lost in thought, he reached for his bracelet. Always find the right path… What he wouldn't give for his uncle's advice right now. So many times he had gotten on Zuko's nerves with his wise words. Or at least that was what the boy had always pretended, as Iroh had never had any difficulties seeing through his nephew. As a result, the man always had come up with some hints that had unerringly hit Zuko's soft spots. Absentmindedly, the banished prince moved the engraved stones of the bracelet between his fingers. In this moment he needed and missed his uncle's wisdom more than ever. He swallowed hard.
But all of a sudden, it felt like something told him to lift his gaze. So he looked up, meeting Sureen's eyes immediately. He almost shied back when he was hit by all the determination he found in them. It felt so intense. In that moment, the look in her eyes appeared way more convincing than Zuko's suspicion about Sureen and Jet and what it could possibly lead to. And no matter what his life had taught him thus far – it couldn't paint over his rising hope that things were different this time. Although he still couldn't understand for what reason someone would seriously want to accompany him through his weird attempts to… to redeem his honor. To find his way. To keep going. Why should anyone want to share that? But for whatever reason, obviously, Sureen wanted to. There was no doubt about it. It felt just too real.
He hurried to avert his eyes again. Why was everything so difficult?!
So... he had two options, right? Option one: He could try to get along in Ba Sing Se all alone, without Sureen. But still, he would never know if he had made the right decision then. Maybe he would always wonder if he had done her wrong. So he wouldn't get rid of his doubt and misgivings anyway. Sure, they would be different than they were now, but they would still be there. So if he would be chased by doubt, no matter what... then where would the sense in abandoning Sureen be? So- option two then? 'I can't change the situation you're in, I can't find the answers for you… but at least I can stand by you and that's what I'm gonna do. I mean… provided you're okay with it.' Her words resounded in his head.
"Yeah... I think I am," he eventually mumbled.
"You... what?" Sureen replied haltingly, flashing Zuko a bemused glance.
"I'm okay with it."
"With wha-? Oh. You are. I see. Um... I mean..." The girl couldn't quite believe it. So... had he really changed his mind? He didn't want to leave anymore? Seriously?!
"Anyway. If we want to get into the city, we need our permission documents, right? So... back to queuing up then." With those words, he swiftly pushed himself off the ground and turned towards the queue on his left.
When the information sunk in, a relieved smile spread across Sureen's face. She hurried to reach for Zuko's shoulder once more, before he could walk back over to the queue. The prince didn't turn towards the girl, but she felt his back stiffen.
"Hey... thanks," Sureen whispered quickly.
For a second, Prince Zuko stood, motionless. Then he heaved a sigh and kept walking towards the queue without any further reply. But from the corner of his eye he made sure the girl followed close behind him.
It's never where you think you'll find it
The thing you think you're looking for
It could take you all your lifetime
And still you'd never quite be sure
You could look everywhere
Because you know it's there
Somewhere beneath the sky
Too close and you'll get burned
There's no lesson learned
Yet some people pass it by
You'll see things different when you look thru my eyes
Things are different if you see what I see
Just look closely and you'll see thru my eyes
It could be different, you'll see how it could be
If you can see
[PHIL COLLINS - THRU MY EYES]
Link to this song:
w w w . youtube . d e / watch?v = nMPZjKvo1yg
[Remove the blanks I've added here!]
-x-x-x-
A/N: THAT chapter. It was a hell of a rush :P! When I wrote this, I swear I felt like (yeah, I know, wrong movie, sorry... um.. NOT sorry :P) Armin from SnK when he (which episode was that?!) needed to convince everyone that Eren isn't some monster and that he must not be killed, cause it wouldn't make sense...! Yeah. Just like that. I wrote the entire thing IN ONE GO! With my heart in my fingers or whatever ;).
And then I sent the chapter to my beta... just to find out that everything had become freakin' over the top and waaaaaay too dramatic. Um... hehe..he..hmm *blush* :-S. Yeah. And so I went through that dialogue once more, trying to bring it back down to earth. Hopefully I did it. Or hopefully IROH did it, cause I really felt like I needed him in this ;). Or at least some hint of him. But no idea, really... it feels like it could be just anything between good and total crap... ;)
(But even if it's the latter - at least, in this case, no one will get killed o.O... pheeeww...)
PS: In response to my guest review: Hmm... not sure ;). Actually, that was just the arc of suspense I wanted to create here. (Like... although Jet is like "No, I can't" and Sureen is like "No, it's too unrealistic", they end up like that.) And eventually, it's just an embrace, it's not exactly THAT intimate... so... ;)! But yeah, maybe it was a little too quick or I went a little too far or both... and maybe that's the reason why I'm not really satisfied with that paragraph. So... thx for reviewing! :)