Chapter 4

"We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
We only bring each other tears and sorrow
But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow"
~Chris Young - Tomorrow

The motel room felt small. Too small. Amanda could feel the walls closing in on her. She sat on the sofa bed, her legs curled up underneath her and dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. She'd tied her damp hair back in a messy ponytail. Outside the rain lashed against the window and the sound of thunder continued rumble in the sky. Every few minutes a bright flash of lightening lit up the small room. In between flashes the only light came from the small TV.

Olivia lay on the bed, propped up against the pillows. She wore a pair of yoga pants and an off shoulder cream coloured shirt. Her brown hair had started to curl more than usual and was still wet. Ever since she came out of the bathroom she had barely spoken to Amanda. It seemed that neither of them really knew what to say. Instead they watched a movie in silence as outside Mother Nature reminded them who really controlled this Earth.

Eventually Amanda sat up. "I'm gonna get somethin' to eat," she said when she noticed Olivia looking at her. "Want me to get you anythin'?"

"Where are you going to get food from?" Olivia wanted to know. "Have you looked outside?!"

"I saw a snack machine on our way up here. It's sheltered," Amanda answered.

Olivia watched the blonde detective walk to the door. She didn't like the idea of Amanda going back out into the storm. "Don't they deliver pizza around here?"

Amanda turned around. "It may take a while to get here, that's all."

"Beats going outside, doesn't it?" Olivia suggested and she got up and opened one of the drawers of the bedside table. With a triumphant smile she pulled out what looked like a pizza menu and threw it Amanda. The blonde caught it, looking slightly bewildered, and Olivia's smile only grew wider. "Here, you choose!"

Amanda sat back down and looked at the menu. She chose a pizza with five different kinds of meat and dug her cell phone out of her pocket. She dialled the number on the front of the menu and after a couple of rings a woman with a strong Georgian accent answered. Amanda placed the order and added two six packs of beer and potato chips before giving the woman the address and room number of their motel room. She then hung up and found Olivia looking at her.

"What?"

"Nothing," Olivia replied and averted her gaze.

She had been unable to keep her eyes off Amanda since they got here. She didn't know why or how but somehow she was drawn to the younger woman. While Amanda was in the shower she'd called Brian to let him know she was allright and would be back some time the next day. He wasn't home and she left a message. The image of their empty apartment had filled her head and it wasn't until Amanda walked out of the bathroom that she realised that she was lonely; she didn't want to be alone.

Brian was a nice guy. She liked him. She didn't know if she loved him but she liked him. He was there when she came home from work. She wasn't alone anymore. He was a good man and although there were many things she wasn't certain about, she knew that he cared about her. She cared about him but that earthshattering kind of feeling people had always described to her…. It hadn't hit her yet. Sometimes she looked at him as he slept and wondered if it ever would or whether this was it.

For a long time she didn't believe she would actually meet someone she'd feel like she could settle down with. The job, the things she saw on a daily basis, had changed her perspective of life and love. It had made her synical and weary. Too many mistakes and one broken heart too many had left Olivia Benson feeling that perhaps love wasn't for everyone. It seemed that, from the way Amanda lived her life, Olivia wasn't the only one who had that thought. That brought them together, she realised. Two people in the same room together could still be the two loneliest people in the world.

"You heard of Nick and Fin?" Amanda asked, no longer able to bear the silence between them. At least if they talked about work, they wouldn't fall prisoner to the demons in their own heads.

Olivia nodded. "Nick said that our victim mentioned the same smell Lauren did. The cigarette smell. She'd been discharged from the hospital and staying with her mother in the Upper East Side. She said she didn't think she'd be able to go home again."

"We need to catch this guy," Amanda said through gritted teeth. "Son of a bitch."

"I know." Olivia's voice was soft and distant. "He's the one that got away. The one I've never given up on. I know he's out there…. I just need to find him..."

She was cut off by the sound of her cell phone ringing and she looked at the caller ID. When she saw Nick's name flash across the screen she grabbed it, showed it to Amanda real quick and then answered. The second she heard his voice she knew that what he was about to tell her was going to break her heart.

"We've got another one."

"Shit."

Amanda sat up when she heard Olivia swear. Slowly her eyes drifted up to the detective's face and she watched how the relaxed features slowly hardened and darkened. The glint she had seen in Olivia's eyes moments earlier slowly faded and what remained was the cold hard stare of a woman who was confronted with her nemesis.

After a few minutes Olivia hung up and she threw her phone on the bed. Bitterness laced her voice. "The bastard raped another woman."

Amanda covered her face in her hands. Anger coiled in the pit of her stomach, rearing its head like a cobra ready to strike. She chewed the inside of her cheek as the bitterness spread through her veins. "I feel useless sittin' here. We shouldn't be in Atlanta. We should be in New York nailing his ass!"

"I know." Olivia swallowed. Anger was evident in her voice. In her time as an SVU detective she'd handled more rape cases than she cared to remember but this one got to her. This was the kind of guy who got under her skin. Who still managed to attack women right under their noses, like he was taunting them. "God, I'd like to cut this guy's balls off with a rusty steak knife!"

Amanda got up, walked across the room and fell down on the bed next to Olivia. She cast her a sideways glance. "How many cases have you worked since joining SVU?"

Olivia snorted. "I lost count."

"How many have you had that got under your skin so badly that you felt like it would destroy you?"

Olivia's eyes fixed on Amanda. This was the first time Amanda dealt with this case. She was surprised it stirred such deep emotions in her. Slowly she began to understand. "You wanna talk about it?"

Amanda looked down at her hands. "I'd just joined Vice," she said softly. "My captain sent me undercover to bust a prostitution ring but we stumbled across a serial rapist instead. Sicko liked to rape women after he put a plastic bag over their heads. He'd carve them up afterwards. We had his sketch but he kept avoidin' us. One night he raped a girl in a brothel in downtown Atlanta." Amanda swallowed hard. "I was in the next room workin' my case and never heard a thing."

"Amanda, that wasn't your fault!"

Weary blue eyes looked up. "Wasn't it?" she challenged, her voice full of self-loathing. "Tell that to the girl he raped. He left her for dead."

Olivia's breath hitched when she saw the hurt in Amanda's eyes. She reached out and covered the blonde's hand with her own. It was a soft, comforting touch. The kind that could erase any demon in the room and bring you back to a place of safety. "Did you catch him?"

"Yeah," Amanda grimaced and her hand twitched underneath Olivia's in an attempt to pull away but Olivia's grip only tightened. She wasn't going to let go. "Two nights later he grabbed another girl. She was an undercover cop." Her features hardened and when she spoke again her voice was flat and void of emotion. "I put a bullet in his head."

"We all have been in situations like that," Olivia said softly. "The kind where we wish we had found a perp sooner, had a chance to change things. We have to accept that sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes we're too late and that burden, that guilt, we carry with us for the rest of our lives." She let her hand slip under Amanda's chin, forcing her to look at her. "But we have to remember the ones we did save. The ones where we caught the bad guy and gave somebody back their life knowing that the person who hurt them is in jail. Those are the ones I want to remember." There was a pause and her fingers absentmindedly stroked Amanda's jaw. "You should too."

Amanda jerked her head away when she felt Olivia's fingers graze her cheek and stood up. At that same moment there was a knock on the door and her hand shot down to the gun she had tucked into the back of her jeans before realising it was probably the pizza delivery guy. She opened the door and found a teenage boy, no older than eighteen, standing outside in the pouring rain. He gave Amanda the pizza box and a plastic bag with the beer and chips and she paid him. When she turned back to Olivia the older woman had climbed back onto the bed.

They ate in relatively silence, speaking only to comment on the food or the movie on the TV. The movie they had been watching earlier was finished and the next one was a movie they both knew well. Overly dramatized with so called epic special effects, it was only ironic that Twister was the movie on TV during one of the worst storms Georgia had experienced in months. The strong winds howled around the shabby motel, leaving the windows to rattle in their frame.

Amanda opened her second can of beer and the bitter taste of the alcohol in the back of her throat was strangely comforting. Every so often she looked at Olivia and once or twice she caught the older woman looking back at her. Whenever their eyes met her heart did a double flip. Her hand still burnt where Olivia had touched her and the prospect of spending the night in the same room was slowly starting to suffocate her.

Olivia was on her third beer when her phone vibrated and she saw it was a message from Cassidy. She opened it. Got your message. Glad everything's ok. Out with a couple of guys from work. There's a game on.

Amanda watched Olivia with her phone. "Cassidy?" she asked, not sure why she tortured herself by even asking that question.

"Yeah," Olivia answered as she put the device down. "He's out with his buddies."

"You two enjoyin' livin' together?" Amanda asked as she stared down into her lap.

"It's… different."

"You don't sound too convincin'."

Olivia couldn't suppress a grin. "Have you ever lived with someone?"

"I'm not exactly the room-mate type."

The dark haired detective studied Amanda's face. She leaned back into the pillows on the bed and sighed but never took her eyes off Amanda. "Brian is… how do I put this….Let's just say it's taking us both a little time to get used to actually being around each other all the time." She cocked her head when she noticed the distant look in Amanda's eyes. "Are you seeing anyone?"

Amanda's head whipped up at that question and the guard she had dared to drop moments earlier kicked back in. "No," she said sharply. "No, I'm not."

"But there is someone, isn't there?" Olivia pressed when she noticed how defensive Amanda became. The question wasn't a challenge. It was her own curiosity taking over. Amanda Rollins was a mystery to her and she was just looking for a way to get her to open up, to reveal something about herself. It wasn't meant to anger or upset the younger woman but Amanda jumped off the bed anyway and walked back to the couch. She didn't sit down. Instead she just stood there with her back turned towards Olivia, her hands suddenly clenched into fists.

"Amanda, I'm sorry," Olivia said and she slipped off the bed too. "I was just trying to find something to talk about. I didn't mean to…" It appeared that Amanda didn't want to share the loneliness she herself was feeling. Olivia reached out a hand to touch Amanda but the blonde pulled away. Her detective instinct took hold and Olivia's eyes widened slightly. "Listen, if you want to talk about it…"

"I don't want to talk about it," Amanda bit back. "There's nothing to talk about."

Olivia's hands fell down her sides in a helpless gesture. Amanda still had not turned around. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I crossed a line."

"Yes, you did," Amanda answered slowly and finally turned around. Bitterness flickered behind her eyes. "And now there's no way back from there. I told you I didn't want to go to Atlanta."

"That's what this is?" Olivia said softly. "This is about Atlanta?"

"No." Amanda's eyes had lost their shine. "This is about you."

Before Olivia had a chance to respond she was overwhelmed by the feeling of Amanda's lips crashing against her own. The weight of the blonde knocked her off her balance and she staggered backwards, in the general direction of the bed. Her legs made contact with the frame and she fell, grabbing hold of Amanda in her fall. Her arms were firmly wrapped around the younger woman's back and the kiss grew in intensity when Olivia's mind went blank and she gave in to the reeling sensation that took hold of her without warning.

Seconds seemed to feel like an eternity and she only emerged from the emptiness of her mind slowly, growing more and more aware of the weight on top of her, of the lips pressing against her own, of the hair that her fingers were threading and of the way her heart was beating in her chest. Insanely fast, insanely needy. Every cell of her body suddenly screamed for something she had never even known she could feel or want. But it was there, waking up inside of her like a monster that had been asleep for years. Reaching out slowly, grabbing hold of her. Olivia Benson's eyes snapped wide open to find that she gave herself over to the feeling of Amanda kissing her.

The need for oxygen eventually drove them apart and Amanda pushed herself away from the older woman lying beneath her. Propped up, her arms carrying all her weight, she looked down at Olivia and watched how the normal shade of brown in her eyes changed to almost black. Lust replaced surprise and it was Olivia who moved back in, looking for another kiss. When her lips found Amanda's, their forehead rested against each other.

"This is a bad idea," Amanda breathed as Olivia's lips brushed against her own. Her nimble fingers softly tucked at the dark haired woman's shirt. Fingertips grazed across suddenly exposed, warm flesh. "A really really bad idea."

Olivia had found the button of Amanda's jeans. "I know," she whispered as she opened it. She caught a glimpse of the light baby blue girly boxer shorts she wore underneath. "But I don't care."

Amanda carefully peeled Olivia's shirt away from her skin, pulling it up to reveal olive coloured skin. Olivia willingly raised her arms to Amanda could remove the shirt, revealing the simple yet elegant white laced bra she wore underneath. The contrast of the white against the tone of her skin was stunning and a soft gasp escaped Amanda as she let her fingers journey across Olivia's collar bone. She leaned in, leaving a trail of kisses across the now glowing flesh.

"Are you sure?"

In one swift move Olivia removed Amanda's sweatshirt and cupped her breasts through her bra. "Yeah," she uttered. "I'm sure."

Amanda didn't ask any more questions. She didn't ask why Olivia did this, what had brought them to this moment or how they would feel when the storm outside would ease and the sun would appear over the horizon. She didn't care about the fact this would be no good for either one of them. She didn't think about the consequences. She didn't think at all. Instead she leaned in and pressed Olivia back into the mattress before slowly kissing her way down across her chest.

Carefully she let her fingers slide behind the older woman's back and unhooked her bra. The fabric slipped away from Olivia's skin and Amanda's lips curled up into a teasing smile as she let her hands slide across the hardened nipples. Olivia's back arched off the bed when Amanda softly squeezed, her warm lips now sucking down on the pulse point just below Olivia's ear.

Olivia managed to take off Amanda's bra before impatiently tucking at her jeans. The blonde sat up, peeled the denim down her thighs and then kicked them across the room. As she climbed back on top of Olivia she slowly, teasingly, slid the yoga pants down Olivia's legs before hooking her fingers behind her panties. A few seconds later they were both naked, their bodies fitting perfectly together in a tangles mess of limbs and searing kisses. Outside another flash of lightening lit up the Georgia night and the sound of the rain rattling on the roof filled the room.

There was nothing left to stop them now. Nothing that could change what had already been done and Amanda didn't care. She looked into Olivia's eyes as her right hand dipped between the other woman's legs, exploring what lay waiting for her. She kissed Olivia and Olivia kissed her. Morning seemed like a lifetime away. All there was now was the beating of their own hearts, the desire that bound them together in this very moment. After tonight, there was no way back.