Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Funeral. Such an ugly word. Starts with the word fun, and twists it into something ugly.
This is what I think as my mom picks out my outfit and ushers me into the shower. I stand in the shower as the scolding water flows over me and all I feel is numbness. The last 3 days all I've felt is numbness. I've been waiting for Jon to come into my room and yell at me to get up in his cheerful way. Or for him to call me to dinner.
It doesn't happen.
Everyday my mom brings my food to my room for me.
I don't eat it. I can't.
I can't do anything.
My mom looks in the bathroom and looks at me with a scrutinizing gaze. She looks tired, and like she's been crying.
I look worse.
She scans over my tangled red hair. Then my sad, hollow looking eyes. She looks over my skinny frame with a disapproving sigh and she looks at my eyes again. She decides that I'm not going to do anything so she grabs my arm and pulls me out of the shower. I slowly pull on my clothes, trying to make it last longer. If I go to the funeral, it will seem real.
I don't like real.
My mom grabs the black dress she picked for me and impatiently, but careful of my injuries, pulls it over my head. Her eyes fill with tears as she realized just how broken this has left me, physically and emotionally. I squeeze my eyes shut as tears spill down my mothers cheeks. She reaches out to me and pulls me into her and I grip her weakly.
I haven't cried.
There is just numbness.
*Line Break*
My mom and dad get me out of the car. My Mom stands on my left side, my Dad on the right. As we walk towards the church people give us pitying gazes and I squeeze my eyes shut.
I don't want pity, I want Jon.
Some people start to walk over to offer their condolences but dad ushers them away to comfort me.
It doesn't help.
*Jace POV*
I get out of the car with my parents. I don't want to be here, suffering the loss of my best friend alone. We didn't know each other long, but we got close, almost too close, fast. I see a flash of red out of the corner of my eye and look towards the vibrant color. I narrow my eyes to look at clary, and it seems as if she is taking this worse than the parents. Her hair is unkept, her usually happy green eyes lifeless and dull. She looks even skinnier then she did before the crash. And all those bandages and casts on her skinny frame look overpowering. She looks horrible. Like the shell of the Clary I love to tease. I think for once me and Clary can agree on something.
We want-we need Jon back.
*Clary POV*
The priest starts talking and I finally feel tears prickle my eyes. It's all seeming real now. But all I feel is numbness, a numbness like never before. It's slowly flowing through my body till I can't feel anything. I faintly hear what the priest is saying and I feel a single tear roll down my cheek. I can't let it all out now. I have to get out of here. The praise calls my name to speak a eulogy and I shake my head violently but my parents usher me up. I look around, at everyone. My family, classmates, and even some of Jon's teachers and professors. And I know that I can't do it. It seems as if the room is closing in on me, squeezing tighter and tighter, and I can't breathe. I run out of the church. I hit the ground and roll up into a ball and I start rocking back and forth, tears treating down my face like a dam broke and everything is coming through at once. I start shaking and feel a heaviness in my chest. My breath comes out in short, harsh pants and my heart races. I can't breathe. I can't do anything. The pain in my chest is like a weight pressing down and it's getting heavier and heavier. I am still numb. I am always numb. I'm going to die here. I'm going to die. I hear a door open and someone runs towards me. Jace.
"J-j-ja-ce." I manage to say and he nods.
"It's okay. Don't talk. I'm right here. You'll be okay. Your having a panic attack. It's okay." He whispers this to me as he grips my hands. "Focus on my face, okay?" He says and I try to nod. I look into his golden eyes and try to breath. "Steady breaths, control your breathing. In. Out. In. Out.-" he continues this for I don't know how long until I am leaning on him, taking deep breaths. I can't stop the shaking, and I can't go back into the church. Jace seems to understand this as he grabs my hand to help me up. I stand but my legs wobble and I topple forward. I brace myself for impact, but it never comes. Strong arms wrap around me and Jace picks me up, one arm on my back, the other under my knees. He carries me to his car and pulls out his phone and texts someone, then pulls out of the parking lot. I am still breathing heavy and the numbness won't go away, but I'm okay.
"How did you know?" I ask him. And he glances at me.
"Know what?" He asks and I look at him.
"What to do when I had the... Panic attack." I tell him and he looks at me knowingly.
"I have... Experience." He tells me and I gape at him.
"You've had a panic attack?" I ask him, bewildered and he nods.
"But that's a story for another time." He tells me and I look out the window and I realize something. He made me forget about Jon. Nothing has done that lately. Not even art. I tried to draw, sketch, paint. But nothing helps. I sigh, the numbness taking over me once again and I sink down in my seat, trying to get rid ofthe memories flashing back.
A bright light. A crash. Blood, So much blood. Screams, my screams. A snap-
"Clary! We're here." I look over at Jace as he looks at me with a concerned expression. I look up to see that we are at Jaces house.
"Bring me home." I say and he looks at me, as if unsure. "I said, bring me home. Now." He looks at me, studying me, until he finally nods and looks to the road as he pulls out.
*Line Break*
I get out of Jaces car and thank him for the ride and go into my room. Sure I had a few minutes of "happiness" but it didn't last. I lay down on my bed and squeeze my eyes shut as I sink into my cocoon of despair.
As I ly there I feel myself drifting off until I fall deep into sleep.
"Jon!" I yell, looking for my brother. We were playing hide&seek in the woods behind Luke's old farmhouse. The trees surround us as I continue walking. I see a flash of color and look up. I see a bird flying above my head. I continue to walk as I see animals move all around me.
A squirrel runs by my feet, startling me as I continue deeper into the trees. There are thorn bushes surrounding the path and I know Jon couldn't have gotten over those. I look up and as I do, I swear I hear my name whispered
"Clary..." The whispered voice says again and I look around, frightened.
"Jon?" I call out, starting to worry. Usually I've found him by now. I walk down the path, looking left and right, and up in the trees. I hear a slight groan and hear rustling. I follow the sound, which is coming from down the path. I go down the path and hear another rustle, to the right of me. I turn toward the sound and gasp.
Jon is lying in the underbrush, his neck bent at an odd angle, his body mangled and torn, like some wild animal tore him up. His eyes are fluttering and his mouth seems to be forming unknown words. A sob is ripped out of my chest as I bend down next to him.
I can slightly hear the whispered mumbles, but I can hardly make them out. I hear the words "Clary...your...forgive..." The mumbles get louder as I listen to him.
"Clary, it's all your fault" he accuses and I sob harder "I will never forgive you. I am gone and it's all your fault. No one will ever forgive you. You made me bring you to that party, and you made me leave" I sob as he accuses me of these things. "It's your fault" he chants as the world swings and swirls. Everything is falling apart and I see my family and friends. They join in the chanting with Jon as I sob harder and harder.
"Clary." A voice says.
"Clary!" More frantic this time
"Clary! Wake up!" I open my eyes and shoot up in bed, hitting heads with my mom. She winces as I lay back down.
"sorry, you were... Yelling in your sleep. Something about it being your fault?" She says and I nod. "Well, I brought you supper, if you... Want to eat." I nod, even though we both know that I'm not going to eat. My mom leaves the room and I sigh and lean back down.