Chapter 6

It had been a long day. Even though she'd punched out just before seven it felt like she had been in the squad room for three solid days. Her head was spinning and her muscles protested as she walked towards the elevator. She was the last one to leave. Nick had promised to take his daughter out to dinner so he'd left just after five. Fin was going to meet Ken and Alejandro and left at six. Amanda had left without saying where she was going but just followed her partner out of the squad room without looking back at Olivia.

Olivia sighed as she stepped into the elevator. It was empty, much to her relief. As the doors slid shut she remembered Amanda storming off earlier that day after the fall out in the squad room. She really didn't want Amanda to put herself out there on the streets to catch this asshole but she knew, deep down, it was one of the best chances they had. Amanda fitted the profile perfectly.

Amanda.

Her eyes fell shut as the images from Georgia flooded back into her mind. She could still taste the sweetness of Amanda's lips on her own. She could still taste the hint of beer and clear feeling of desire. Inside her chest her heart felt like it was breaking. Waking up beside the blonde in the middle of the night and watching her sleep was one of the most beautiful and terrifying things she had ever experienced. Just seeing Amanda lying next to her, her face finally void of the mask she wore every day, she got to see just how beautiful and fragile the younger woman was. And yet she still got out of that bed, got dressed and took the keys to the truck. She sat in the cabin for the remainder of the night and watched the sun come up over the trees, painting the skies in shades of pink, orange and amber.

She'd slept with Amanda Rollins. Nothing she would ever do or say would change that. She couldn't even deny she didn't want it because she did. She had wanted it. She'd wanted it like she had never wanted anything in her life. But when she woke she realised that what she wanted and what she had were two different things. She suddenly thought of Brian, waiting for her at home. A man who was good to her, who cared about her and did his best to make her smile. What she had done betrayed the trust he had in her and the faith she had in herself.

After coming home from Georgia she took a long shower. Brian wasn't home. She then got changed and drove to the precinct. She'd sat in the car park for almost an hour before finally going inside. The second she laid eyes on Amanda and heard her voice, all her defences came back down. Amanda got to her in a way nobody else had managed to; she'd gotten under her skin.

Olivia got out of the elevator in the precinct's lobby, walked out of the front door and to the car park. She got in her car, buckled up and switched on the radio before reversing out. She drove home through New York's rush hour traffic. She drove on autopilot, without really thinking, and when she pulled up outside the apartment building and looked up she saw the lights were on inside. Brian was home.

When she stuck the key in the door and the lock turned, her stomach dropped. She tried to swallow the hard lump in the back of her throat away as she stepped into the apartment. The sound of the TV hit her first, followed by the feeling of Brian wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her cheek. She turned her head away slightly so his lips handed on her jaw. He didn't seem to notice how her body stiffened in his arms.

"Hey," he whispered into her ear and brushed some of her hair aside. "It's good to have you back."

"Yeah," she answered without making eye contact. She carefully freed himself from his embrace. "I'm sorry, Brian, but I've got a headache and I'm beat. Do you mind if I just grab a shower and go to bed?"

"Sure," he answered, a hint of worry in his voice. "You ok, Liv?"

"It's just… this case," she began as she shrugged herself out of her coat and draped it over the back of the couch. "He attacked another woman and we're nowhere near closer to finding him. Amanda…" It hurt to just speak her name and when she looked at Brian she saw the questioning look on his face. She had a habit of calling her co-workers by their last name. "Rollins… She spotted a common link and wants to set up a honey trap but I don't think it's a good idea and I really just want a good night's sleep and deal with all of this in the morning."

"OK." He kissed her on her forehead. "Want me to get you a drink before you go to bed?"

She shook her head. "I'm good, thanks." She tried to smile. "I'm sorry I'm not better company tonight."

"How was Atlanta?" he asked as he followed her into the direction of the bathroom.

Olivia froze. "Good," she lied without turning around and looking at him. The guilt and the shame weighed too heavy for her to meet his eyes. The mere mention of Atlanta almost tore her apart. She did her best to keep her voice calm. "I think we really got somewhere."

"That's great," Brian answered and let his fingers run through her hair just before she stepped into the bathroom. "Go enjoy your shower and get some sleep."

She closed the bathroom door behind her and rested against it with her back for a couple of seconds before switching on the shower. She slowly stripped off and turned to the mirror. Her fingers ghosted over the red marks across her chest where Amanda's fingernails had scratched her skin a little too hard. Olivia flinched as she followed the marks with her own fingers, remembering how they had ended up there. The warm feeling that spread through her body was overpowering and she turned away from her own reflection and stepped into the shower.

When she got out she slipped into a pair of comfortable pyjamas and softly closed the bedroom door behind her. She pulled back the comforter and climbed into bed. The room was dark. She hadn't bothered to switch on the lights. As she lay down a quiet sob escaped her and then, without warning, the tears came and Olivia Benson cried herself to sleep.

~()~

She woke early the next morning. The room was still dark. She rolled over to check the alarm clock. 5.17 am. She groaned. She had another hour before she was supposed to get up for work but the realisation she'd had a solid night hit her. She didn't feel any better. In fact, she felt worse. Carefully she rolled over to find Brian fast asleep beside her, his back turned towards her. He snored softly. Somehow the sound irritated her.

With a sigh Olivia got up, padded around the room and picked out a clean set of clothes. She got dressed, left the bedroom and scribbled a note in the kitchen that she stuck onto the fridge before picking up her bag and car keys and leaving the apartment. When she stepped out of the building the bitter cold wind took her breath away and she realised the pavement was covered in a fine dusting of snow. Pure white flakes fell from the still dark sky. Winter had arrived in New York City.

She drove to the precinct, parked her car in the almost empty parking lot. It was a quarter past 6 when she reached her desk but as she dropped her bag and threw her coat over the back of her chair she realised she wasn't the only person here. A single light was on at one of the other desk and a quick sweep of the squad room soon told her that Amanda was here too.

Her heart sank when she saw the blonde standing in the coffee corner, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Olivia had just walked in. Olivia watched her as she moved, her eyes lingering on the slight curve of her hip and the way her golden hair stood out against the black blouse she was wearing. Faded jeans clung to her slender frame and Amanda seemed lost in her own little world. It wasn't until she turned around, coffee mug in hand, that her eyes met those of Olivia across the room.

"Hi," Olivia said, suddenly feeling like she'd been caught out. Her cheeks flushed read and he stomach tightened into a knot. She felt sick. Every imaginable emotion welled up inside her. Amanda stood nailed to the ground. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise anyone else would be in this early."

"S'allright," Amanda answered, breaking the eye contact as she walked back to her desk. She set her mug down on the side, switched on her computer and continued to ignore Olivia.

The older woman heaved a sigh. "Listen, Amanda," she began and the blonde looked up briefly. "Can we talk?"

"I got the feelin' you didn't wanna talk."

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair. Desperation kicked in. "I…I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should have thought about that before we went to Atlanta."

"Yeah, maybe I should have."

Amanda turned her chair so she could look at Olivia. The look in her eyes was cold and distant. Her normally kind features were hard. "I get it, Liv. You made a mistake and now you're wonderin' what you're goin' to do with yourself. It happens. People screw up. Maybe we should just try to move on and forget about it, ok?"

Olivia was taken aback by the younger woman's harshness. "Is that what you want?" she asked.

"What I want?" Amanda retorted. She'd focused on her computer again. "No, it's not about what I want. It's about what you want. I don't think you even once thought about what I want. So yeah, let's leave it at that, shall we?"

Olivia slowly walked over to Amanda's desk. She was careful not to come too close, remembering how jumpy the other woman became if people crossed too far into her personal space. Brown eyes reflected sadness and hurt. She wanted to talk but she didn't know how or what to say. "Amanda, I'm sorry."

"Don't," Amanda warned her, her voice dangerously low. "Just… don't."

"Ok," Olivia whispered and slowly moved back to her own desk.

She sat down, picked up the paperwork she had left the evening before and opened the file. Her eyes drifted back to Amanda every few seconds, unable to focus on anything else. She knew that they couldn't deny what happened between them forever. Hell, she didn't even want to deny it but she didn't know what else to do. She was already in a relationship. How could she even entertain the thought of being with somebody else? With Amanda? Was that even a possibility? Could she even consider the fact that perhaps that was what she really wanted? Change her life and everything she had? Risk everything she had built up to this point, including her career?

Around seven thirty Cragen, Nick and Fin walked in together. None of the men was surprised to find the two female detectives already working but when Amanda looked up, Cragen met her gaze. He then nodded and she smiled before he turned towards Nick and Olivia.

"We're setting up a honey trap for our rapist tomorrow night," he said and Olivia's head whipped up straight away. She looked at Amanda, dark eyes blazing, but the blonde didn't meet her gaze. "Rollins here will go out onto the streets of Chelsea. Homicide and Vice have offered a couple of their female detectives who match the description and they will join our ranks for the evening." Cragen loomed at Nick. "Nick and Liv, you two will shadow Rollins. Fin and I will tail one of the detectives from Vice and Homicide have provided their own protection detail."

"Captain, are you sure this is a good idea?" Olivia asked. Fear settled in her chest at the thought of Amanda wandering the streets with a serial rapist on the loose.

"It's the only idea we've got. Unless we wait for this guy to screw up, this is our best shot and I am not willing to let any more women get hurt." Cragen looked at Olivia. "You're not normally one to turn down a honey trap, if I remember correctly."

She knew he was right. She couldn't count the amount of times she had been part of one herself. She didn't answer and instead looked at Amanda who now reluctantly looked back at her. When their gazes locked it was as if the world seemed to freeze. For a moment in time there was only them without the people or the noise from the squad room. One look that betrayed that everything they had talked about this morning was a lie; wasn't what they had wanted to say. When Olivia averted her eyes and looked back at her desk she knew that this wasn't the end of it.

Cragen disappeared into his office and the four detectives returned to the order of the day. As horrific as it was, there was more than one case on their desks.

Fin and Amanda went out to check up on a witness due to testify in court later that week and once they were gone, Nick leaned across his desk. "Hey, Liv," he said and she looked up. "Is Rollins ok?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"She seems a little off."

"The poor girl was sent back to Atlanta, a place she tried really hard to leave behind," Olivia reminded him. She had noticed Amanda seemed quieter than normal. She had barely spoken more than a dozen words to anyone and she had noticed Fin and Amaro sharing the occasional question glance. "She ran into some demons while we were there. I think it hit her harder than she thought it would. But she's good. She'll work through them."

"Safely?" Nick questioned. "'Cause we all know what Rollins does when she gets stressed."

"She doesn't gamble anymore," Olivia said. It sounded sharper than she had intended. She came to Amanda's defence without even realising it and Nick shot her a somewhat surprised look. She tried to scramble a sentence together that didn't make her look like a total idiot and added, "She says she's going to regular meetings. I have no reason to doubt her and you shouldn't either. If she says she's fine then…"

"She's fine," Nick finished her sentence. He shook his head, smirking, and gave Olivia a knowing look. "Sounds like somebody else I know."

Olivia didn't answer. Instead she grabbed her cell phone, scrolled through her contact details and found the name she was looking for. She typed a quick message and put the device back down. Before she even had chance to turn a page of the report she was reading her phone vibrated again. She checked the message and then sloped the phone into her back pocket as she stood up.

"Hey Nick, yoi alright to cover for me?" she asked as she put on her coat.

"Sure. Where're you going?"

She flashed him a smile as she walked out of the squad room. "Early lunch."

~()~

The New York State Supreme Court Building was a well-known feature in the city. Iconic because of its looks as well as of the cases that were handled inside its walls, the building stood on Foley Square in Manhattan it was a New York City landmark.

Olivia knew the building well, having spent a lot of time inside. She climbed the steps to the courthouse building and stepped inside. It was busy. Lawyers were walking in various directions. People of all walks of life gathered here. Some were waiting to see relatives or loved ones in court. Others were here to face those who had done them wrong. Within these walls there was always a mixture of sadness, hope and a desperate desire for justice.

She took the elevator to the third floor and walked down one of the corridors until she reached the courtroom towards the end. The doors had just opened and a small crowd of people flooded out. One of the last people to appear was a woman dressed in a knee length skirt, white blouse and matching black blazer. Her red hair reached down to her shoulders and she looked around the hallway.

"Casey!" Olivia said, drawing the redhead's attention.

"Hey, Liv," Casey said when she reached the detective. Her green eyes narrowed when she noticed the distressed look on the older woman's face. "What's going on?"

"Sorry to bother you in between sessions," Olivia answered. "You got a minute?"

"I got more than one. This was my only arraignment for the day. Rest of my day will be spent writing pre-trial motions," Casey answered. "Now that they've got me working Homicide that seems to be all I ever do. I'm lucky to see a courtroom from the inside twice a month!" She searched the detectives face. "Wanna go for a walk?"

Olivia just nodded and the two women joined a group of people stepping into the elevator. They didn't speak until the left the courthouse. As they were making their way down the steps Casey noticed Olivia walked with her hands in her pockets and her head hung low. It seemed like there was a massive weight resting on her shoulders. It had been a long time since she'd seen Olivia look this broken, the last time being in the first few weeks after Elliot resigned.

They walked along the street for a little while before Casey suggested they'd grab a coffee. They found a small coffee shop three blocks from the court house and took the seat furthest from the door. Casey ordered two cappuccinos and took the cups to the table where Olivia sat. She'd taken off her coat and her brown eyes wandered around the shop. Decorated in Italian style with soft music playing in the background, the walls painted in a deep shade of red with pictures of Tuscany.

"So," Casey said as she slipped into her seat and pushed the coffee towards Olivia. "You said you wanted to talk. What's going on, Olivia?"

Olivia fingered the lid on her cup, taking it off before putting it back on.

"I errr… I made a mistake. Or, I think I did."

"A mistake? Is this about one of your cases? You know I can't help you with them. You're going to have to talk to Barba about that."

"It's not about a case," Olivia answered. Her voice trembled a little. "It's about Brian."

Casey leaned back in her chair. "Cassidy." There as a brief pause. "What did he do this time?"

"It's nothing something he did. It's something I did."

"Something you did?" Casey questioned, feeling a little unnerved. "Liv, what on Earth is going on?"

Olivia's brown eyes finally snapped up. They swam with tears.

"I cheated on him. And the thing is, I don't think I regret it."