Chapter 7
Telling Casey what happened between her and Amanda helped relieve some of the guilt she felt. She talked for almost half an hour without stopping. Casey didn't interrupt her once, allowing Olivia to finish her story. When she reached the point where she mentioned they had returned to New York and had not talked about what happened between them, Casey shifted in her seat. Olivia noticed.
"What?" she asked.
Casey put down her coffee. "I think there are two things you need to think about here," she said slowly and looked at Olivia. The brunette detective had been her friend for many years and although they only saw each other every few months since she'd stopped working for SVU, she still considered Olivia to be one of the closest friends she had. "You need to think about why this happened but, first and foremost, you need to think about how this affects you and Amanda as people."
"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, furrowing her brow.
Casey effortlessly slipped back into her prosecutor role. "Why did you sleep with her?" she deadpanned.
"I…" Olivia's voice trailed off. "I don't know."
"You don't know or you don't want to know?"
"Hey, you can cut the cross examination act!" Olivia said with half a smile and Casey grinned. Olivia looked down into her lap, becoming aware that he cheeks were slowly turning a deeper shade of red. "I don't know why I slept with her."
"Then maybe we need to look at this in another way," Casey said. "Let's look at the evidence, shall we?" She pushed her coffee cup aside and folded her hands on the table. "You've known Amanda for the last three years. She's a woman. As far as I'm aware you've never been with another woman before." She briefly looked at Olivia for confirmation and Olivia shook her head. "So why her? What makes her so special? Is it the accent, the blonde hair?"
Olivia heaved a sigh. "I wish I knew. I just….I just feel so drawn to her, you know."
"So what about Brian?"
"He's a nice guy, honest," Olivia answered. "He's a good man and he makes me feel safe. He's been in my life for so long that it feels like I know him better than anyone else but at the same time I don't really know him at all. Sometimes I think he doesn't know me either." She picked at her fingernails. "Sometimes I look at him, wanting to feel that kind of love everyone always talks about, you know, but I don't. I don't think I have ever felt it. Some days I don't think I ever will with him."
"Would you want to risk all of that to be with Amanda?"
"I don't even know if I want to be with her!"
"Liv, you're going to have to talk to her. You said she doesn't want to but you can't keep going on like this. At some point this is going to blow up and there will be no way to put it back together again," Casey said seriously. "You need to talk to Amanda."
Olivia sighed. "I know."
They spent another hour talking about different things, mainly work, before getting up and leaving the coffee shop. Casey returned to the court house while Olivia got back into her car and drove back across Manhattan to the precinct. She pulled up in the car park and got out at the same time another unmarked sedan pulled up. She watched as Amanda and Fin got out and across the car park their eyes met.
"You go ahead," Amanda said to her partner. "I'll catch up."
"You allright?" Fin wanted to know, looking from Amanda to Olivia and back.
"Yeah," Amanda said quickly. "I'll see you back inside."
Fin disappeared into the building and Olivia slowly walked into Amanda's direction. The blonde didn't move, choosing to lean against the car with her hands in her pocket instead. She never took her eyes off Olivia as she came closer. Her heart thumped in her chest and when the older woman reached her she opened her mouth to speak but Olivia cut her off.
"We need to talk," she said. "I know that's not what you wanted but I think it's best if we do."
Amanda lifted up her chin. "Okay," she answered, her voice trembling. "Tonight."
Olivia's heart skipped a beat. "Sure."
"My place," Amanda added before pushing herself away from the car and starting her way towards the precinct entrance. "You know where it is, right?"
Olivia watched her walk away without answering and the turmoil that she'd felt earlier that day grabbed firm hold of her once again. She couldn't take her eyes off Amanda and continued to stare at the door long after the blonde had disappeared inside. By the time she made it into the building and into the squad room herself, everybody else was already at their desks. Amanda never even looked up when she walked in but Fin did. He shot Olivia a questioning look but she just shrugged and slipped into her seat.
For the remainder of the day Olivia's eyes continued to wander off to Amanda. She watched the way she walked, the way she tapped her foot against the side of the desk while she was on the phone and the way she chewed on the back of her pen. She'd pinned her blonde hair up with the use of a pencil. A few short strands fell down the side of her face. Olivia couldn't help but look. Her eyes were almost glued to the younger woman every time she moved.
They gained no new leads on their serial rapist, much to Olivia's frustration. She wanted to nail this bastard so badly. By the end of the day Cragen walked into the squad room and announced that the next night they would set up the honey trap for the rapist in an attempt to lure him out. As he spoke Amanda's eyes drifted off to Olivia and her heart skipped a beat when she saw the dark eyes staring back at her. When their gazes locked, the world suddenly seemed to drift to the background.
It was just after seven when Amanda picked up her jacket and her bag, swung them over her shoulder and announced she was leaving. Nick and Fin were still sitting at their desk; both were preparing testimonies for court but Olivia stood up and put on her coat. From across the room she felt Amanda's eyes burn into her back.
"I'll see you guys in the morning," she said before following Amanda to the elevator. The blonde held the doors for her.
"You want a ride?" Amanda asked, dangling the car keys from her index finger.
Olivia arched an eyebrow in surprise. "You're driving?"
"Just for once, yes."
The elevator doors opened and the two detectives got out. They reached the car park and Olivia considered driving her own car to Amanda's place but changed her mind when the blonde unlocked the vehicle. She climbed into the passenger seat, dropped her bag in the foot well and tried not to look at Amanda as she got in the car. Now that they were alone, the atmosphere changed and when Amanda stuck the key in the ignition the radio came to live. The jingle of a familiar country station filled the car and Olivia cringed. It was the same radio station they had listened to as they left Atlanta.
They drove home through New York City's rush hour and Olivia was surprised to see Amanda did know a couple of short cuts to get to her apartment whilst avoiding the major traffic gridlocks. They didn't speak. The only sound came from the radio playing country classics, from Dolly Parton and John Denver to Glen Campbell and Reba McEntire. The last notes of Reba's "I'll be" had just faded and the radio host announced a commercial break when Amanda pulled into the car park behind her apartment building.
The two women made their way to the second floor and Olivia stood a couple of steps behind Amanda as she unlocked the door. Amanda then held the door for Olivia to walk in and closed it behind them. She walked straight to the fridge and looked over her shoulder to the older woman standing in the small living room.
"You want a drink?" she offered, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.
"I'm good, thanks," Olivia declined. Her eyes were fixed of a picture of a little girl standing on a small side table in the corner of the room. One look was enough to tell her it was Amanda around the age of seven or eight, clutching what looked like a shotgun. A beaming smile and a gapped tooth grin, curtsey of her age, looked back at Olivia. The child in the picture looked happy.
Amanda saw her look. "I was eight," she said as she came closer. "My daddy taught me to hunt." Her face hardened. "Only thing he ever really taught me was how to handle a gun. Couple years later he would wish he hadn't."
Olivia turned around. "How come?"
"I aimed it at him when the night he was beatin' my momma," Amanda said, her voice void of emotion. The look in her eyes became cold and distant. "Told him I would blow his balls off if he ever lay another hand on her."
Olivia's heart sank. Amanda's childhood had been nothing but cruel. "What happened after that?"
"Don't know. Never saw him again after that. Last I heard he was livin' it up in Florida." Amanda put her water bottle down and looked at Olivia. "Look, Liv, I know why you're here and I know you said you wanted to talk but I thought we said things were best left the way they were?"
"I know," Olivia said softly, her brown eyes fixing on Amanda. "But I can't do this."
Amanda arched an eyebrow. "Can't do what?"
"I can't pretend nothing happened." Olivia stepped closer to Amanda. "What happened between us…"
"…Can never happen again. I get it, Olivia," Amanda finished her sentence. "It was a one-time thing, an indiscretion." She shrugged. "No lasting harm no foul, right?"
Olivia heaved a sigh. She hadn't come here to tell Amanda that what happened between them could never happen again. She didn't know if she wanted it to. She looked down at her hands. Those hands had done things that night in Atlanta she had never thought she'd be capable off. They had touched another woman, Amanda, in a way she had never even touched herself.
"I've been thinking about it. About what happened, I mean." She averted her eyes, her cheeks flushing red. The memory was fresh and the feelings they gave her were overpowering. "In fact, I haven't stopped thinking about it since we came back. Truth is, Amanda… I don't know how I feel."
Amanda frowned, confused by what the other woman was trying to say. "About all of this?"
"About you."
Olivia looked at the younger woman. The images of their moments together in Georgia were still fresh in her mind and the sudden urge to be closer overwhelmed her. She couldn't deny it, no matter how much she wanted to. She reached out her hand to touch Amanda's cheek but Amanda caught it and held it.
"Don't do this," she said softly. She couldn't bear the thought of Olivia loving her for another moment only to abandon and reject her all over again. She'd rather suffer in silence for as long as it took. "Liv, this isn't a good idea. What about Brian? What about work? What about…everything?"
"I don't know," Olivia whispered as she moved even closer until her body was almost flush against Amanda's. The sweet smell of the younger woman's perfume filled her nose and she carefully let a strand of blonde hair run through her fingers. "I really don't know but I want to find out."
She softly kissed her. A chaste, almost hesitant kiss. The type of kiss that whispered of desire but was too shy to really admit it. A kiss long enough to be remembered, to be tasted, but still gone too soon. Before she could really back away however, Amanda's hand slipped into her hair and pulled her back in for another kiss. More powerful this time. Searing, almost blinding. Amanda's other arm snuck around Olivia's back, softly tugging the hem of her shirt.
Amanda felt Olivia's tongue press against her lips and she slowly opened up and let her in. From the depths of her stomach her emotions overwhelmed her, taking hold. Her heart hammered in her chest and her mind went blank. There was only this moment now. There was nothing else in the world. Not the sound of the traffic outside or rain against her window. Not the guilt and the questions. Everything else was gone.
When they finally broke apart, Olivia rested her head against Amanda's. "I should go," she whispered, her hands not letting go of the other woman's body. Every part of her screamed to hold on, to not leave tonight. "I shouldn't be here."
Amanda's eyes fell shut. She knew this moment would come. Olivia would always leave. "I know."
"I know what this is," Olivia breathed, still unable to move away. "I know what this can become."
"So much for talking, eh?" Amanda said as she carefully took a step back, severing the contact between their bodies. She'd sensed Olivia hadn't been able to do it but someone had to end this. Her blue eyes reflected pain and she swallowed the hard lump in her throat away. "This is both our faults, Liv. This isn't just on you."
Olivia didn't answer. She just turned around and started for the door. She looked back over her shoulder to see Amanda standing in her living room, hands in her pockets, staring at the floor. Guilt, pain and regret were etched across her face and when Olivia closed the apartment door behind her she felt herself slip down into a deep, dark well of emptiness. It hurt to walk away, to leave. When she walked out of the building and looked up at the illuminated window she noticed Amanda had drawn the curtains. A heavy sigh escaped her as she crossed the road and headed in the direction of the nearest subway station.
~()~
It was 2.46 when her cell phone rang. The sound woke her from her sleep and Olivia sat up with a jolt. She grabbed her phone and saw Nick's name flash across the screen. Brian stirred in his sleep but dint wake and Olivia cast him a quick sideways glance before answering the phone. The first thing she noticed was the sound of sirens in the background.
"Nick?" she asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She struggled to hear her partner's voice. "What's going on?"
"We got him, Liv."
"What?"
"We got him! He attacked another girl but she managed to knock him down. Couple of cops driving by saw them, helped her out. We nailed his ass."
Olivia felt the adrenaline pump through her veins and she kicked the sheets away, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. Her bare feet made contact with the soft carpet. Suddenly she was wide awake. "I'll be there as soon as I can. Text me the address."
"Can you call Rollins? I've tried calling her but her phone keeps going to voicemail."
Olivia paused, having stripped off her shorts and t-shirt and with one leg into her jeans. Nick's slowly sank in. "She's not answering?"
Nick's voice was muffled by the background noise. "I know she's not on call tonight so maybe she's switched her phone off."
"Amanda never switches her phone off. She's probably just asleep," Olivia replied, knowing that the blonde detective was very much like herself in the way that she would never switch off her phone just in case something happened. "Want me to swing by her place and wake her up?"
"We'll see her in the morning. I just thought she'd like to hear it from us, that's all."
"Ok," Olivia answered and zipped up her jeans. She grabbed a sweatshirt that belonged to Brian of the chair in the corner of the room and pulled it over her head. "I'll see you when I get there. Don't let that jackass lawyer up before I've had a go at him."
She hung up and quickly scrolled through her recently dialled numbers before finding Amanda's. She hit 'dial' and the phone rang several times but then connected to Amanda's voicemail. Her heart did a double flip when she heard the woman's Southern accent ask her to leave a message. "Hey Amanda, it's me. I just want you to know that they caught the 911 rapist. Call me when you get this."
Olivia then grabbed her car keys and her purse, scribbled a note for Brian that she stuck on the fridge and left the apartment. The door fell into its lock behind her and as she walked through the corridor she checked her phone to see if Amanda had replied yet. Her screen just showed a picture of her and Brian and she paused for a few seconds, looking at it. She then pushed the phone back into her pocket, left the building and got into her car, switched on the engine and drove off into the New York City night.