Chapter 10
It was early evening by the time she walked out of Atlanta airport clutching the keys to a rental car. Olivia carried her bag over her shoulder. She'd barely had time to pack and opted instead to just grab the spare clothes she kept at the precinct instead of going back to her apartment. Walking into the squad room and seeing Amanda's empty desk hurt. Cragen didn't ask questions. He merely watched her as she walked to the locker room, took her bag, and walked back out.
She picked up her car, a simple black Ford Taurus, and dumped the bag in the trunk. She got behind the wheel, stuck the key in the ignition and heaved a sigh. Her heart hammered in her chest and her head hurt. Thoughts were spinning round in a crazy mixture of hope, fear, anger and resentment. Just as she was about to put the car into reverse her phone vibrated. She'd dropped it on the passenger seat and looked to see Brian's name appear. She let it ring out.
Olivia drove away from the airport and watched it grow smaller in the rear view mirror. She had to rely on the navigation system to get her onto the right road into Atlanta and once she was sure she was on the right track she picked up her phone, found Fin under speed dial and ignored the missed call of Brian. The phone rang and Fin answered only seconds later.
"What have you got?" Olivia asked.
"Address for her mother and her old precinct," Fin answered. "I'll text them to you."
"Which one would she have gone to?"
"I'd say her mother but you never know. They're relationship is strained."
Olivia sighed. "Figures. How can it not be with a sister like Kim?" She was only just in time to join the flow of traffic heading towards the suburbs of Atlanta and swore under her breath when a truck cut in front of her. "Any hits on her phone?"
"GPS has gone dead. She's either disabled it or turned her phone off."
Olivia wasn't surprised to hear Fin say he couldn't track Amanda's phone. They were cops. They all knew how not to be found. Undercover operations and safety protocols had all taught them that. Amanda, just like everybody else, knew how to stay below the radar.
"Liv, I know you probably don't wanna hear this right now but Cassidy stopped by the precinct earlier."
Her heart sank. "What did he say?"
"He said somethin' about taking his mother out to dinner tonight?" Fin answered. "He said he was going to call ya but I told him you were back out in Georgia."
"He knows we busted the 911 rapist," Olivia replied and the car came to a stop in front of a red traffic light. The truck that had cut in front of her was now pulled up beside her and she looked at the driver. He looked back at her and stuck up his middle finger. She reached down and unclipped the badge from her belt. Once he saw it his face fell and she grinned. She then focused back on Fin. "Didn't Brian ask why I went back here?"
"Hey, I'm helping you find Rollins. I'm not here to clean up the rest of your relationship mess," Fin reminded her. "I told him there were a few lose ends to be tied up but you gotta deal with this when you come home, Liv. I ain't gonna tell him what's goin' on but you should."
"I know," she sighed and at that same moment the traffic light changed. "I appreciate everything you've done so far, Fin."
She could hear him chuckle. "Just don't think I'm gonna be your partner from now on." There was a brief pause. "Good luck, Liv. Bring her back."
"I'll do my best," she answered before ending the call.
She knew she would have to deal with the aftermath of this when she came back to New York, with our without Amanda. She would have to talk to Brian, explain to him why she had left and why she wasn't going to come back, not to him. She would have to face her fear of breaking him like she had broken him once before. It seemed that not even thirteen years was enough to make her feelings strong enough. She couldn't stay.
She didn't want this to happen. She hadn't been looking for it, didn't even see it coming. And suddenly it had hit her in the face like a ton of bricks. One night in a small motel room as the rain rattled on the roof and the smell of pizza and beer filled her nose she had realised that the life she knew wasn't the life she wanted. Was it possible to just realise you had been in love with someone for quite some time without knowing it? Could you even fall in love and not realise it? To mistake that feeling of safety and warmth for something else altogether until you can't deny it anymore?
Olivia bit back the unexpected tears that had welled up in her eyes. It made driving difficult. The radio had kicked in to some pre-set station she didn't recognise. She didn't feel the need to change it as the music was a way to occupy her mind, to stop herself from dwelling and getting too lost. Her heart beat slowly in her chest and when she finally put in the address that Fin had text her she felt like she was getting closer to finding her answer; to bringing everything back together,
~()~
The skies had started to change. Grey clouds backed together over the Atlanta skyline, quickly erasing the bright shades of blue that had graced the city that afternoon. Now that darkness fell and night approached the winds picked up and the first drops of rain fell without warning. Within minutes the heavens opened and released a downpour upon the city.
The sound of the heavy drops against the windows and on the roof was drowned out by the voices talking on the TV. She wasn't watching it but the noise chased the away the silence in the house. Amanda sat on the couch with her legs curled up underneath herself and a glass of water on the table. She hadn't moved for the last hour. This was the home she remembered living in as a little girl but it didn't feel like home, it never had done. Between these walls lived the demons of Kim's psychotic moments and her mother's inability to cope. It was this house her father had walked out of, leaving them all to rot.
She'd always longed for a place to call home. She wanted what the other kids in school had; a normal family. A mommy and a daddy and a handful of siblings. A family that spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together. Not some screwed up little group of morons who had never learnt to look after themselves or each other. Christmas in her house was a mixture of a lot of hope and crushing disappointment. It seemed that Kim's moods always got worse over the holiday season, quickly destroying any kind of happiness. This house wasn't a place that knew any joy but right now it was the only place she had left to turn to.
Amanda sat up and her feet made contact with the floor. She felt restless. Her eyes drifted to the clock. It was almost six o'clock and her mother still hadn't come back. She didn't even know where she was and Amanda found herself somewhat surprised to realise she didn't actually care. With a sigh she stood up and padded from the living room to the kitchen. There she opened the fridge in the hope of finding something to eat.
The knock on the front door changed her mind and she left the kitchen. Bare footed she walked through the hallway to the door and opened it without checking to see who stood outside. Her breath died in the back of her throat when she laid eyes on the woman standing in the pouring rain.
"Amanda," Olivia whispered, her brown eyes widening at the sight of the blonde.
Amanda almost felt physically sick. "Liv," she breathed. "What are you doing here?"
"You left." The rain hammered down on Olivia's head. Her brown hair was stuck to her forehead and her clothes clung to her frame. "I…. I had to see you. Talk to you. I mean… I…"
"You came looking for me?" Amada couldn't stop staring at a soaking wet Olivia standing outside her mother's house. The strength she had felt earlier that day when she left New York and boarded the plane back to Georgia seemed to vanish. She grabbed a firmer hold of the door handle, her knuckles turning white. "Why?"
"Because I love you."
The words rolled off her lips with ease. It didn't hurt to speak them out loud. It didn't hurt to admit it to herself. She should have admitted it a long time ago and she could have spared them both the agony. Her brown eyes slowly trailed up along Amanda's slender frame and she held on to the fragment of hope that maybe Amanda would say those words in return too. She held on for dear life because hope was all she had left after today. If Amanda told her to leave she would return to New York but there would be nothing left.
"What about New York?" Amanda asked. "What about you saying that what happened was a mistake and it shouldn't happen again?" Her blue eyes swam with tears. "You told me that we should move on."
"And I was wrong," Olivia pleaded. "God, Amanda, I was so wrong. I was wrong about many things. I didn't handle any of this well. I was scared, confused, angry… I didn't know what to do with myself and I blamed it on you. I shouldn't' have but I did and look what happened."
Amanda tentatively stepped out of the house and into the rain. She felt the drops against her cheeks and in her hair. Her hands sought out Olivia's and she took them in her own. She then slowly leaned in until her lips found those of the brunette and she felt herself relax into Olivia's arms. Olivia's arms wrapped around Amanda's waist and pulled her closer. The kiss tasted of sadness, tears and rain but it answered every question they could ever have asked.
It grew in passion and intensity and Amanda led Olivia into the house. They were both drenched but she didn't care about the wet marks they left behind on the floor. Without speaking she led the older woman up the stairs, leaning in every so often to steal a kiss. Hands wandered off underneath shirts, grazing across burning and glowing flesh. By the time they reached the top step, both of Olivia's hands had cupped Amanda's breasts and the blonde groaned in sheer pleasure.
Amanda closed the door to the guest room behind her and her breath hitched when Olivia slammed her with her back against the door. Before she had a chance to protest Olivia had pulled her shirt over her head and unhooked her bra. Warm lips closed around a swollen and hard nipple and Amanda's fingers threaded Olivia's hair.
Olivia's nimble fingers helped Amanda out of her pants and she kicked them across the room. Now that she was naked other than her panties, Olivia took in the beautiful sight that was Amanda. She cupped both her breasts, rolling the dark pink nipples through her fingers and leaned in for a kiss. Their tongues fought for control and dominance and Amanda lost, willingly giving herself over to Olivia. She felt the warm wetness between her legs grow bigger and a throaty groan slipped over her lips when Olivia slid two fingers behind the cotton of her panties.
Anticipation and desire took over as Olivia very slowly parted Amanda's folds and slid two fingers deep inside of her. The blonde threw her head back, slamming it against the door behind her. Olivia's free hand punned both Amanda's wrists above her head and her hungry lops attacked the younger woman's neck, sucking down ferociously on the pulse point below her ear. She began softly thrusting in and out of Amanda, making sure to follow and listen to her body.
"Oh God," Amanda breathed as Olivia's fingers curled inside of her. "Liv…"
"Ssssh," Olivia whispered, quickly smothering Amanda's moans with her own mouth. The weight of her body pressed the shorter woman against the door and Amanda managed to slip one leg and then two around Olivia's waist.
Olivia held her up against the door, her fingers still thrusting in and out, faster and faster as the seconds began to change into minutes. Beads of sweat glistened on Amanda's forehead as her body was slammed into the door with every thrust. Her nails clawed desperately but Olivia's clothes prevented her from doing any harm. In the end she resulted to grabbing to fistfuls of the older woman's hair.
Olivia felt Amanda tighten around her fingers just before she hit her orgasm and slowly removed her lips from Amanda's mouth to hear her cry out in delight. Amanda's head crashed down against Olivia's shoulder as her body shuddered. Olivia stilled her fingers but didn't pull out, enjoying the warm wetness that enfolded her hands now that Amanda came.
They stayed like this for several minutes until Olivia slowly pulled back her hand. Amanda's shaky legs slid down to the floor and she held on to Olivia for support. Dazed blue eyes looked up into brown and she smiled. "I love you too."
She pushed Olivia backwards across the room until the older detective's knees buckled when she hit the bed. She fell onto her back and Amanda took advantage of Olivia losing her balance. She quickly unbuckled and unzipped her jeans before yanking the denim as well as her panties down her legs. Olivia didn't protest and Amanda dropped down to her knees on the floor beside the bed, pulling Olivia towards her by her legs. She then reached up to help Olivia remove her shirt and marvelled over the sight of her full, gorgeous breasts.
She let one of the hard nipples slide through her fingers, pinching softly, and watched how Olivia's face scrounged up in delight. Amanda then leant in and circled her tongue around the nipple she had just pinched, sucking down gently, before moving on to its twin. Olivia let her fingers slide through Amanda's hair.
She kissed her way down across the brunette's chest, dipping her tongue into her bellybutton playfully, before reaching the area around her pubic bone. Amanda placed her hands softly on the inside of Olivia's thighs and parted them. She was greeted with the sweet smell of arousal and her heart began to race in her chest. Slowly she kissed herself a way up along the length of Olivia's thighs before reaching the damp folds and entrance.
Olivia draped her legs over Amanda's shoulders when she felt the younger woman's tongue flick over her bundle of nerves and her eyes fluttered shut. She moaned in delight when Amanda carefully entered her with one finger before picking up the rhythm again with her tongue, teasing and circling, nibbling down at exactly the right moments.
Olivia knew she couldn't hold on for much longer and she fell onto her back, her fingers clutching desperately at the sheets around her. Amanda's left hand dug deeply into the flesh of her thigh, squeezing hard. The thrusting became faster and harder and Olivia felt the orgasm build up in the depths of her stomach. Her back arched off the bed when Amanda sucked down on her clit and curled her finger at the same time. The wave of release washed over her and a raw outcry of lust rose up from the back of her throat.
Amanda smiled to herself as she felt Olivia's body rock out the last waves of her orgasm. She slowly stood up and climbed onto the bed too. She wrapped the sheets around them as best as she could, snuggling her head into the older detective's shoulder and kissing the still warm, glowing skin.
"How did you know where I was?" she asked as Olivia turned her head to look at her.
"I just knew," Olivia whispered. Her brown eyes lit up. Her fingers drew meaningless shapes on Amanda's arm. "It's what I would have done."
Amanda didn't answer immediately. "You know this is going to be difficult, don't you?"
"I know," Olivia answered and left a kiss somewhere on Amanda's shoulder. "But I'm ready."
"How come?"
Olivia brushed a strand of hair out of Amanda's eyes. "Because I'm not afraid anymore."