Chapter 1

Mabel: And that concludes Mabel's Guide to Fitness, with Waddles: the jog hog. (pan over to Waddles on a tredmill) You want that sundae? You've got to JOG for it, jog hog! (smiles at the camera) Look at his little shorts

Cue theme song

Mabel: Today: Mabel's Guide to Dating! As we all know, I'm a dating expert. In fact, I can't get the boys to leave me alone.

Zack (actually a cardboard cutout held up by Mabel): Mabel, I love you so much baby! Why won't you let me into your life?

Mabel: You know what you did, Zack! (looks at the camera) Today, we're going to test the date-ability of four of Gravity Falls swingin'est singles: Soos!

Soos: Get ready to fall in love, America! Am I...am I looking at the right camera?

Mabel: Dipper!

Dipper: Who are you even making this for?

Mabel: Grunkle Stan!

Stan: I'm only here because you promised bacon. (gets thrown a piece of turkey bacon, which he catches in his mouth) I'm pacified.

Mabel: And, for those foolish enough to think I'm not their type, our featured bachelorette: Dani!

Dani: How did I let you talk me into this again? (cut to a clothing store) Mabel, I respect you and all, but I'll go on a dating show before I even THINK about wearing a skirt. (cut back to the Mystery Shack) Got to remember to choose my words more carefully.

Mabel: And now a simple 9000 question dating quiz.

Stan: Should men always pay for dinner? What is this: Russia?

Soos: How many kids would you like to have? Seven, perferably: that's one to love, every day of the week.

Dipper: How do you treat the opposite gender? Make sure you don't do anything to upset them, obviously. (smirks) I'm SO nailing this.

Dani: What is one question you never ask during a date? (frowns) How am I supposed to choose just one?

Mabel: While they're busy working, we give you...ANIMAL DATING!

Deep voice of some sort: (frogs are seen) TOAD-ALLY dating! (an owl is spooked) HOOT do you love? (squirells attack Mabel) Together FUR-EVER!

Mabel: The results are in! Grunkle Stan, on a scale of one to five, you scored a three.

Stan: YES! YES!

Deep voice of some sort: DATABLE!

Mabel: This will limit your dating pool to widows, lady plumbers, and convicts.

Stan: I still consider this a victory.

Mabel: Dipper, your score is...actually not as bad as one of the LAST people I tested (cut to some random guy taking the test as Mabel is still working on it and using as a tissue before handing it back) Ewww! (cuts back to the Mystery Shack) Anyway, scores don't really matter: you should just focus on being you.

Deep voice of some sort: QUESTIONABLE!

Mabel: Okay, Dani: let's see how you did with YOUR score. (Cue the sound of glass breaking) WOW! It's like you've spent a good amount of time with some wierdo who was in love with a married woman and is in desperate need of a cat or two.

Dani: (nervous laughter) Is it?

Dipper: (curious look) The town REALLY needs to find another place to play baseball around here (cut to a shot of a broken window with a baseball in the shot)

Mabel: (cut back to Dani and company) Worry about that later, bro-bro. (clears her throat) Anyway, Dani, you've managed a score similar to that of Dipper, but let's hope for better times.

Deep voice of some sort: WOMAN OF MYSTERY!

Mabel: Soos, on a scale of one to five, you scored...a TWELVE?

Soos: My grandmother was right all along: I am the world's most perfect man. (cue angelic music, light, and doves)

Deep voice of some sort: TOTAL HUNK!

Mabel: Love is all around us, and if it seems you two aren't the right fit...FORCE IT! (notices something) Oh no! The Squirrels! They're back! Aaah! Save me, Mr. Rhino! Save me!

Next time: Dani's Guide to Survival: Collecting Water

Author's note

Before you ask, I DID get permission to do this. If there are any questions on where I got this idea from, well, Gemini's Falling Phantom Tumblr DOES say that Dani at least knows about the videos that MABEL shoots, so I'd like to assume that she likes to be involved in the "Guide to" thing. Also, while it's true that I'll be using existing shorts, I'll ALSO be getting into a few of my own design. Until then, have a little patience. Til next time, remember that if you bring a snack, you've better have brought enough for everybody.