Author's note:
I know that I said that this would be about COLLECTING water, but lately I've been thinking I shouldn't over-complicate things, so I didn't... Anyways, enjoy
Chapter 2
Dani: This video may display certain courses of action that could be hazardous to your health: do NOT attempt to copy what you see here unless you absolutely have to or without the supervision of a responsible party on hand
Mabel: Responsible party? Is there going to be cake? Hey: I recognize this thing!
Dani: (pauses) Wait, what? (notices what her friend is doing) Mabel, no: put that crossbow down! Mabel! (camera feed turns to static)
Soos: (voice-over) We are currently experiencing technical difficulties: we apologize for this delay and hope that this title sequence I made up will help you wait it out...
(cue techno remix of the theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" with footage of Gravity Falls wildlife being shown on screen)
Dani: Hello, and welcome to Dani Motnahp's Guide to Survival: the only wilderness survival show filmed and produced by a little girl who's spent nearly all her life doing so (eyes widen slightly) Surviving: I meant surviving, not that I have anything against those who film or produce survival shows but...ACH! (camera feed turns to static for a while) Today, we'll be focusing on what is arguably the most important part of surviving in the wilderness
Mabel: Enjoying the wilderness!
Dani: (sheepish grin) Ladies and gentlemen, my co-host, Mabel Pines (clears her throat) And while it IS true that nature is FULL of wonders, the fact remains that getting lost in the woods is no laughing matter; now it's true that, like most people, I've heard the conventional wisdom that when you get lost you are supposed to stay put, but the fact remains that sometimes this isn't an option, which is why I hope to give you some advice for if and when this will become the case, so that in the end you too can find your way back to civilization
Dipper: (from behind the camera) Wait if you know about staying put, why are you always...?
Dani: (glaring at the camera) Moving on! (clears throat) As I was saying, not everyone has the same level of survivability, but no matter how much knowledge on the subject you have, all human beings have the same basic needs
Mabel: I think I NEED to eat this entire bag of gummy worms! (pulls out a bag larger then her)
Dipper: Wait, Mabel! (runs past Dani to try and stop her)
Dani: (chuckles) Regardless of my co-host's randomness, she actually brought us into the fold, as hunger IS one of our bodily needs, as is clothing and shelter; however, you can be living inside the palace of the Queen of England, wearing the latest fashions, and dining on enough food to satisfy the army and you STILL wouldn't last too long; you want to know why?
Mabel: (coughs a bit) Ugh, I forgot how stale these were: my throat is killing me...
Dani: (smirks a bit) Yep, you guessed it: even in the best of conditions, the human body can only last a little more than four days tops without water... (we find ourselves by the lake) Fortunately, it's unlikely that you'll be finding yourself on a desert island in the middle of a vast expansion of salt water or something to that degree; however, finding water is only HALF the equation: the rest of it is making sure the water is safe to drink; to help illustrate my point, I've asked a few of my comrades to prepare a gallon of water I supplied for them from this lake behind me in any way they think is fitting; let's see how they are doing, shall we? (cue static)
Mabel: (singing a joyful tune as she blissfully prepares her specialty "Mabel Juice")
Stan: (looks on edge as he prepares his water for boiling) We're not going to be doing a taste test are we?
Dipper: (setting up what looks to be some sort of home-made filter) Dani just said that she didn't plan on anyone going to the hospital today...
Soos: (nods) I would hope not (looks at some dirty looking water) though this water looks terrible, what with all the leaves and twigs, not to mention the frogs and fish...
Wendy: (concerned) Uh, Soos: that's the aquarium I bought recently to help liven the Shack up a bit... (points to a jug of water that looks kind of murky) THAT'S the water you're supposed to prepare for drinking quality...
Soos: (realizes his mistake) Oh, well, that's easy then (takes out a sieve and uses it as he pours the water into another container, making it slightly less murky looking) Okay, this might take a while...
Wendy: (shakes her head) Dude, somehow I doubt it's that easy (takes out a coffee filter, does something similar, but adds some droplets of solvent into the mix; suddenly looks worried) There isn't a time limit on this, is there? (cue static)
Dani: Let's see how they've done (looks at the groups water samples, noting the technique each person used) Okay, first off, I'd like to commend everyone for not copying a method the others were using; however, I'm afraid that there were a few tactical errors in the preparations that were used (looks at Mabel) Keeping a positive out-look is great to have in ANY situation, but I know that there have been a few complaints from drinking what Stan over here says "is like coffee and nightmares had a baby", and that's when you're using water that you KNOW is safe; one of the first rules of survival is to never take risks unless you KNOW that they will be worth it in the end
Mabel: (scoffs) And I suppose you're going to tell me that everyone else took PERFECT risks...
Dani: (smirks) Not even close (points over at Dipper) This guy right here used a crudely put-together filter that he likely found the blueprints to on the internet; while I'll admit that it LOOKS safe to drink... (takes Dipper's water and pours it on a candy wrapper she took out of her back pocket, which proceeds to dissolve as result of the aforementioned course of action) Remember kids: looks can be deceiving, and not everything you find on the internet is necessarily true...
Wendy: (winces) I'm suddenly scared for my method...
Dani: A reasonable reaction, but don't worry: you only made a few REAL mistakes (takes the water Soos prepared) Like the handyman over here, you decided to filter your water; however, he made the mistake of thinking that it was the ONLY thing he needed to do
Soos: (face-palms) I knew it wasn't clean enough
Dani: (nods) Yes, but not in the way you think; after all, as Dipper demonstrated, just because the water LOOKS clean doesn't necessarily mean that it's safe to drink (points to the aquarium from earlier) And as Wendy's attempt at decoration shows, twigs and leaves aren't the only thing in the water that has the potential to make a person sick (gestures back to Wendy) Miss Conroy here had the right idea to filter it and THEN to take care of anything that could cause a person to get sick, but made the mistake of using chemicals to do so: not only do they take a long time to take full effect, but in a survival situation, even in the best case scenario the chemicals you brought with you will only last for a limited amount of time
Stan: (sighs) Well, I knew that there'd be complaints...
Dani: Hold on a second, Stan, because I may have forgotten to mention that this was a competition of sorts, and even though you still have a few problems to go over with your method, YOU are the winner of said competition!
Stan: (shocked) Wait, what?
Dani: (smirks) Out of all the people here, YOU were the only person who even CONSIDERED boiling the water; even WITH the mistake of forget to filter out the stuff that will obvious make actually DRINKING the water awkward, this is, by far, the best method to use when out in the wilderness, because as long as there is stuff to burn, there WILL be a way to start a fire to use for warming the water up a bit
Stan: (confused) So, if this was a competition, what did I win?
Dani: (smirking) Well, seeing as water makes it easier to digest your meals... (cue static)
Dipper (shown grudgingly washing dishes with the others in Greasy's Diner): How did you even arrange for Lazy Susan to agree to having all of us washing dishes to pay for our meals here for a week?
Dani: (smirks) I have my ways... (looks at Stan, who is finishing another piece of pie) ...and I see YOU are enjoying yourself
Stan: (shrugs) I never say "no" to a good meal, especially one I apparently don't have to pay for
Wendy: (pats Dipper on the back) Don't be too hard on her: we've probably being given a glimpse into a life she had for a LONG time
Mabel: (sighs) I'll just be glad when this is all over
Dani: (smiles) And on that note, thanks for watching "Dani Motnahp's Guide to Wilderness Survival"; remember, the only thing better than being able to survive in the wilderness is being able to escape the wilderness (cue the power in the building going out) Speaking of wilderness: Susan, I think a raccoon or two got into the fuse box again! (camera cuts out for the last time)
Next time: Mabel's Guide to Color
Author's note:
Just to get this out of the way, the stuff I put here are based off the things I found in my old Boy Scout Handbook; also, for those of you wondering, Motnahp is what Gemini has been using as Dani's last name in his/her canon. Until next, remember that if your reading stuff online, it doesn't hurt to learn something while doing so...