Hawke stood outside the clinic doors. The lamps were lit so she knew he would be there. The doors seemed so imposing today. She tentatively placed her hand on the door pausing. Finally she pushed the door open and slipped inside the clinic. She observed Anders gently examine his patient asking questions about the nature of the injury. It would appear the child had a minor sprain from roughhousing with his brothers. Hawke smiled to herself, how many times had she done the same sparing with Carver? The boy eagerly took off as soon as Anders finished.
Anders looked at Hawke and became uneasy. She watched his eyes dart around the room.
"I came alone," Hawke softly reassured him pulling her hood back.
She could feel the spirit stir under his skin.
"You saw what I did at the Chantry and you still came alone. Are you mad," Anders asked with his brow furrowed?
"Perhaps, but I have done nothing to provoke a spirit. I am fairly sure that I have nothing to fear from you or your friend," Hawke looked him in the eye confident in her assertion.
Anders flashed blue, but she wasn't daunted. He seemed to be struggling internally. His eyes went far away and he stood silent for longer than would be considered normal.
"While she is correct I don't like her knowing about us," Justice grumbled.
"Is it so bad? Having one person in my life that has a chance of understanding me, understanding us, it seems too good to be true," Anders confessed.
"Understanding or not we have a mission and that will always come first. She will distract you," Justice chided.
Anders refocused on her and his shoulders slumped in resignation.
"Shouldn't you be accusing me of being an abomination," Anders questioned in a flat tone?
"If that would really make you happy I could," Hawke smirked in spite of her serious tone, "but we both know that isn't true".
Just like that she accepted him. Anders felt relieved, but wondered about her sanity.
He couldn't help but smile at her, "You are not what I expected".
She shrugged and asked, "What exactly where you expecting"?
"A rogue, maybe a mercenary, but I certainly never thought you would be a mage," He explained.
"I suppose I am a mercenary, but did my being a mage disappoint you," She asked curiously?
"No, I am intrigued," Anders confessed.
"May I sit," Hawke gestured towards a chair near the fire?
Anders nodded his silent consent. Hawke unhooked the clasp on her cloak slipping it off of her shoulders laying it on the back of the chair before she sat. He pulled another chair out from behind a privacy curtain setting it next to the one she claimed. He sank into the chair staring at the fire.
"I don't want to offer empty platitudes, but every time I think of something to say it sounds hollow. I am truly sorry for your loss and words can never really express that," she murmured.
He continued to gaze at the fire not acknowledging that she spoke.
"I understand, more than you might know. I know loss and it is worse when you have a hand in it. You always feel guilty…Second guess yourself," tears escaped her glazed eyes leaving trails down her face as she watched the flames dance.
Anders glanced in her direction then back at the fire, "I killed him. How am I to live with that," grief laced his voice?
"The Templars killed him when they made him tranquil. You set him free," Hawke corrected as her voice caught.
Her eyes drifted to Anders his weary face now tear streaked as well. Knowing she did the right thing advising Anders to kill Karl didn't make her feel less guilty. It was Aveline all over again. Doing the right thing should never hurt this bad.
"He didn't deserve that; being transferred here, or being made tranquil. Karl was a good man," Anders wept.
Hawke reached out touching his arm to remind him he is not alone.
"It wasn't even legal. He passed his harrowing; his skills spoke for themselves," his voice cracked as another sob escaped.
Anders reached up smearing the tears across his face as he held his head in his hands. She allowed his sorrow and rage to wash over her. Hawke found the depth and intensity of Anders' emotions somewhat overwhelming. Her chest felt tight and her breath short as she got up and stood in front of him. Anders must have sensed her because his eyes drifted up to her; the anguished look on his face broke something in her. Without a thought Hawke reached out to him offering a hug. He hesitated for a moment and then Anders wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her into his lap on the chair. Her arms encircled him just holding him. Anders rested his forehead on her shoulder; silent tears fell down his face as a glacial chill came to his hands. Anders' grip on his magic relaxed in grief, causing him to wrap them in a shroud of frosty air. Her empathy created a sympathetic magic, natural, simple, and unconscious, allowing a soothing sapphire aura to envelop them. Feeling Anders' body tremble with every sob that racked him caused tears to well up in her eyes. Hawke let Anders cry until he couldn't cry anymore just holding him so he wouldn't be alone.
He sucked in a shaky breath, "Maker, you must think I am pathetic," he mumbled into her shoulder.
"Why would I do that," Hawke's voice little more than vibrations dancing on his skin?
"I barely know you yet, here I am sobbing like a lost child holding on to you as if my life depended on it," she didn't miss the quiver in Anders' breath as he answered.
Leaning her head close to his ear she whispered, "Mourning someone you loved doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you human".
Slowly Anders lifted his head retracting his arms turning to search her face. He found no judgment there only compassion. Glowing green eyes, puffy and red stared back at him, unwavering, not daunted by him.
_
"Is she real or have I completely lost it," he wondered?
Compassion's soft voice answered, "Anders she is an empath it is a rare gift for a mortal, but I can assure you that she is quite real".
Hawke reached up touching his stubbly face easing a stray tear away with her thumb.
He snapped out of his reverie sliding his hand over Hawke's holding her small hand to his face, "Thank you, I, I am, I don't deserve such kindness".
Hawke quirked an eyebrow at his statement, "Everyone deserves kindness, Anders," her mild rebuke soft on her lips.
"Kindness is difficult to quantify, sometimes kindness is holding someone while they cry and other times it is a merciful end to their life," Wisdom spoke in a measured voice from the fade.
Anders let his hand fall away from hers.
Hawke fidgeted on his leg, "I don't think this chair was designed for two".
"Stand up for a second," Anders suggested.
Hawke stood in front of him wondering what he had in mind. He shifted back in the chair repositioning so his back rested partially on the plush back of the chair and partially leaning on the padded arm. His left leg swung around through the opening below the arm rest and the other remained hanging over the front of the chair touching the floor.
"There, room for both of us," he gestured to the open space between his legs.
Hawke laughed nervously, "Or I can sit in the other chair," she pointed next to him.
"Oh, I suppose you could," he blushed at having not thought of that.
"Okay, I'll try it your way since you went through all of the trouble rearranging your rather long legs on my behalf," Hawke quipped sensing his need for proximity.
She hesitated trying to figure the best way to sit without making things awkward. Settling on sitting with her back against the other padded arm rest facing him, her hip grazed his thigh as her right leg tucked under her left leg. Her left leg hooked over the front of the chair allowing her foot to rest on the floor.
"Are you comfortable with this," her voice pitched in question?
"It works," he replied simply.
"You are Ferelden, how did you know Karl," Hawke's curiosity got the better of her?
Anders' amber eyes went far away as he thought of Karl, "He was an apprentice in the Ferelden circle when I arrived there".
"My father started in the Ferelden circle as well," Hawke shared as she absently fidgeted with the edge of her glove.
"So your father escaped the circle as well," Anders extrapolated based on what little she had shared.
"Well, yes, but he ended up here in Kirkwall before that happened," Hawke divulged, "He met my mother here; when they ran they away together they went to Ferelden".
"They don't often transfer mages from Ferelden to Kirkwall, yet we are both connected to mages that were transferred. Why did they send your father," Anders inquired his interest being piqued?
"Kinloch Hold had a rather large influx of new apprentices so they asked for volunteers to transfer to other circles. Ten of them were divided and sent to Hossberg, Montsimmard, Jainen, and Kirkwall. I believe my father was the only one sent to Kirkwall, but all of that happened before I was born so my knowledge is limited," she enlightened Anders.
"So how did Karl end up here," she broached the subject with trepidation in her voice?
Anders expression changed he became more guarded, "Karl and I became close over the years together at Kinloch. When the Templars discovered how close we were they transferred him here under the guise of Kirkwall requiring new talent".
Hawke mulled his words over in her head searching the subtext, and then it dawned on her what he truly meant.
"You were lovers," she drew the conclusion with almost imperceptible shock.
Anders winced in fear of her judgment, "Yes," he managed to whisper.
He dared to meet her eyes and again he found acceptance, not judgment.
"Is that against the rules to have a lover," she asked more curious than anything else?
"The circle does not tolerate fraternization," he answered with a dull voice.
"So they expect to lock people up, cut them off from the outside world, and what? They won't form bonds or attractions," she shook her head in disbelief.
"It is only an issue if you get caught," Anders' tone had a bitter edge to it.
Hawke's face betrayed her irritation at the notion.
"That is ridiculous," she spouted!
The brilliant spark in her eyes did not escape his notice. He could feel Justice watching and found himself being thankful for his silence.
"Most people have discreet dalliances. It is usually nothing serious, just physical. Unfortunately I actually cared for Karl. I even stopped trying to escape while we were together," Anders' face wore a resigned expression of defeat as he explained.
"Why would caring for someone be unfortunate," Hawke quirked an eyebrow her voice pitched slightly higher in question?
"It gives templars too much power over you," his voice seemed so small and sad.
"Oh," her short response came with a gloomy undertone.
Absentmindedly Anders fingers brushed back stray hairs that had fallen in his face tucking them behind his ear.
"We weren't together for very long, but he was my first," Anders revealed keeping his voice as even as he possibly could.
Pensively Hawke sat with Anders searching for answers in her head. It appeared as though she might say something, but her expression changed yet again.
Anders touched her hand bringing her back, "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you".
She blew out a breath, blowing her wispy hair out of her face.
"You didn't, not really," she stammered, "It's just, I understand how you feel," pausing to find the right words, "mages, we never experience normal".
Anders' eyes had intensity behind them as he began to stroke the back of her hand with his thumb tracing the leaf design on her glove.
"I had a boyfriend once in Lothering, Sigmund. We were together for months and he never suspected I was a mage," Hawke began with a shaky breath.
Her discomfort with the subject showed in her body language. Anders observed the stiffness in her movements along with her avoidance of eye contact.
"I thought he loved me, he told me so, many times," the detachment in her voice caught him off guard.
"The first time we were together my magic reacted. With no way to hide; I decided to be honest with him," Hawke continued failing to maintain the distance she tried to create.
"We talked as we both dressed, but," she paused holding back tears, "his fear of what I could do overrode any feelings he might have had for me".
Hawke's glowing green eyes looked far away as she relived the events of her past in her head.
"He tried to convince me to turn myself in. I refused, he tried to grab me and I just reacted; I pushed him out of the hayloft," the waver in Hawke's voice caused Anders' compassion spirit to watch more intently from the fade.
"His family found him in their barn with his neck broken. Everyone assumed it had been an accident," Hawke's voice had an edge to it, "If he had turned me in," her voice trailed off due to her emotions.
"I couldn't allow it," Hawke's voice choked, "It wasn't just about me. I had to protect my family. They would have discovered my father and my sister. In that moment I realized I could never be normal".
Hawke still held Justice's attention adding more fuel to the fire within Anders.
"I couldn't afford to pursue relationships as a free mage. I also realized that my parents had one of the most impossible things I would ever see in my life," Anders observed the heartbreaking resignation that set into her voice.
Anders still held her hand; he pulled her close wrapping his arms around her.
Tears ran down Hawke's face soaking into Anders' shirt, "I am a monster," her soft voice barely audible speaking into his chest.
"You are not a monster," he reassured her, "How could you possibly think that"?
Hawke pulled back to look him in the eye, "Anders, I killed Sigmund. The act was a selfish one".
"You acted in self-defense to protect yourself and your family," Anders voice became stern.
Her eyes remained locked on his, but something about the expression on his face compelled Hawke to remain silent.
"I am so sick of mages apologizing for being mages," he grumbled, "in both of our situations no one would have died if mages weren't feared and hunted like fugitives".
Hawke laughed a bitterly, "Instead of marveling at the impossible things we can do people fear what we may do".
Anders' eyes flared blue, the binary voice spoke with sincerity, "This injustice is inflicted on all mages; we must rectify it".
Hawke sat transfixed appraising Anders, "A Justice Spirit," she intently searched his eyes, "Your spirit is a Justice Spirit," Hawke realized whispering her revelation to them.