The next couple days I woke up and helped my mother again. She was getting much worse and I called in Dr. Thomas for the second time, and he just told me to continue what I was doing, but prepare for the worst. I nodded and knew what he meant. She was barely awake anymore and I wasn't sure I would be able to tell her what I've been keeping from almost everybody. I wanted her to know, but I didn't want her to worry. This morning when I woke up I gave her her medicine and continued my routine like I do everyday. Before I left I told my mother I loved her even though she probably couldn't hear me.
After I revealed my secret to Specs I felt a little weird going back to work, knowing that someone knew what I was hiding, even if that person was someone I really trust. I just felt more exposed, and sort of like I didn't have to pretend anymore. I wish I didn't have to pretend anymore. I wanted to tell the others soon, especially if my mother...well... I won't think about that right now.
I arrived at the window in my newsboy "get-up" and bought 50 papers with a quarter I earned the other day. I was very happy to receive such an expensive coin. I was getting really confident about my selling, and I was glad I could kind of be myself when I sold alone, so that's what I did this morning. I wanted to sell with Specs, but I was afraid I would get too clingy, and I didn't want to seem like I needed him. I don't need anyone. I can take care of myself.
Selling went well today, even though I spent the day alone. I think I needed that though. I was walking back past the window when I heard his voice
"Hey! Little B!" I turned around to see Specs running towards me. I had a small smile on my face. I gave up trying to hide it. He always put one on my face. Once he was closer to me he talked quietly so no one else would hear. "Umm, I could help you buy more newsboy clothes if you need any help." For a moment I was angry. Why would I need any help. I already got some on my own, I can buy more. Is he noticing that I only have a few? Are the others noticing? I can take care of myself. I tired not to show my annoyance and knew that he meant well.
"Maybe," I said without much emotion. "I'm fine right now thanks." I turned around and started walking back home when he jumped forward and grabbed my shoulder, "Hey, what's wrong?" I didn't look back, but I did stop for him. I took his hand off my shoulder and said "Nothing" in a cold tone. I wasn't happy with myself and I wished I could accept his help easier. "I don't need any help okay?" I hoped he didn't catch the crack in my voice. I didn't want to seem weaker to him just because he knows what I was hiding. I continued walking, but he followed me. "Hey, Blue! Little B!" He called after me and I knew I should stop, but I didn't. Then I stopped and I was furious. He called me one more time, but this time he said "Penny." My face filled with anger. I turned around to face the older boy.
"Don't." I said vilely. "I don't need you." I looked him straight in the eye. He was hurt but the anger in my mind sequestered it. I turned back around and continued walking. I didn't look back once.
Specs POV
I watched my hiding friend walk briskly away from me. I reached for my hat and pulled it off my head and exhaled. This was exactly what I didn't want to do. I was trying to become a better friend not an enemy. I can't push her away because she's in denial to my help. I walked slowly back to the Lodging House, looking back at her. She was so strong, but I knew her fire couldn't last forever.
I got to the House and the boys were running around being chased by Race in another game of let's-see-how-long-it-will-take-Race-to-notice-we-took-his-cigars-and-how-long-it-takes-him-to-get-them-back. I sighed and continued up the stairs.
"Hey! Hey Specs!" Race called as he passed the stairs. "Can ya 'elp me out?" Before I could answer Davey ran up and took Race's hat and ran in the other direction. "So much for waiting for an answer" I thought and continued upstairs with a sour feeling. I strolled up to the "bunk room" and climbed onto my cot and closed my eyes.
I've never had this issue before. I was always the one taking people in not pushing them away. Helping people was always easy to me. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't the problem, but I couldn't push away the blame too. I tried to pick apart her behavior, but my head started to hurt too much and I just fell asleep. I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow until I can really figure this out.
Penny POV
I stormed into my mother and I's apartment furious with myself and with Specs. I grabbed my broken hair brush and started combing through my knotted hair. I hated stuffing it up into my hat. I kept yanking at my hair when I noticed something. The apartment was completely quiet. I stopped and listened again. Usually I could hear my mother's stressed breathing, but I heard nothing. Nothing at all. Slowly I set the brush down and let go of my hair. With tears gradually forming in my eyes, I made my way to the bed of my mother, where she had been for almost the past week. I stood in the doorway of her room when the tears began fallling. I walked up to her and took her hand. No pulse on her wrist. I kissed her hand and sat on the floor holding her hand to my cheek.
I'm not sure how long I sat there, but when I did finally get up I decided to call Dr. Thomas. I have to tell him that I had a place to stay so I wouldn't be sent to the orphanage. I would never live there. I told him about my late mother and he said they would be there tomorrow in the morning. I told him how I would be working at the bakery, and a potent feeling of guilt ran through my whole body. I never told her. After I hung up the phone I just sank into the floor of the kitchen, letting my guilt eat away at my feelings and my tears did not stop. I knew they wouldn't until I fixed the mistake I made. I had to tell all of the newsboys. Before I was caught. They will protect me. I won't be thrown away into the Refuge. I will fight on. I will allow the truth to come through.