Once upon a time, Fionna the Human and Cake the Cat were walking in the Grass Lands, asking questions to one another.
"Hey, Cake," she called.
"Yeah?"
"You ever wonder what a demon's heart looks like?"
"Of course, honey," she confessed.
"You ever wonder what a demon's heart tastes like?"
"Hey, kid…" the reaper cut them, appearing before their eyes, "you want some magic powers...? Magic powers for absolutely free…"
"Heck yeah!" she exclaimed.
"Wait!" Cake whispered to Fionna, "let's not be too rash! Just look at this chick! Check out the sunken, lifeless eyes... The foul stench of decay... You know what that means?
"Means she's evil," she guessed.
" Well, evil, sure... but mostly, she's unattractive, and unattractive people are desperate," she explained, "you should haggle with her!"
Hey!" she called the reaper, "I want more than just free powers! What else ya got?!"
"Alright... Free magical powers and…" she pulled off her left arm, "eh! And this key-chain."
The human jumped from excitement.
"Play it cool, Fionna," Cake whispered.
"Right. I begrudgingly accept your offer," she faked.
"Yes…" she chuckled as storm clouds began to cluster above her, then the deal is struck!"
As the storm went away, a mystical dangerous-looking door appeared.
"This way…" she informed them, a 'FREE MAGICK' sign in her hands.
They entered the portal without questioning her and landed in a gray land where a circular mansion with a huge pearl as a roof was standing on top of a hill.
"This place looks magical," Fionna noticed, "you think this is where we get the powers?"
"Yes, I do," a toad with a purple cloak with a big star sew on it and two pointy hat emerged from the door, "free powers for all. Want some?"
"Yeah! Are you the guy handing 'em out?" Fionna asked.
"You seek Anura, the witch!"
"So, where's that girl?" she looked around.
"She is here, of course," she pointed himself.
"She's here…" Cake hesitated, "but she's not you."
"That's right."
"We should beat her up until she starts makin' sense!" the cat proposed, making her fist bigger.
Shrinking in fear, the toad expanded his neck and tadpoles emerged in it.
"We are Anura!" they all said as one.
Fionna was amazed.
"So... you wish to be inducted into the ancient order of—" they said as one wasn't following the rhythm, "Dang it, Leonore! If we don't talk at the same time, nobody can understand us!"
"Sorry... geez…" she apologized.
"Ahem…" they resumed, "So... You want free witch powers... Powers like… these!
Anura showed them magic bursting through her hands.
"Hahaha! Yeah! We want 'em! Give us the stuff!" they screamed in excitement.
"Then follow..." she ordered them.
The trio entered the mansion where witch students were training.
"Behold the Grand Hall of witchry!" the Great Witch said, "this is where young potentials train to become Ultimate witches! Most are not ready for the responsibility that comes with it.
"I'm responsible, lady!" Fionna swore.
"Yeah! So am I!" Cake promised.
"That's a lie!" she teased the cat.
"It is a lie... and I take full responsibility for it!"
"Yes, yes... very responsible," she compliment them, "now I bestow upon you these witch cloaks!"
"Hey! This is a dress!" Fionna realized as the purple cloak was now covering her body.
"Yeah! And I am into it! It's, like, gossamer!" she said, hugging herself.
"Now for every power that you accrue," Anura said, creating yellow star badges on her own cloak "you shall receive a star badge like these.
She then showed them the biggest one.
"This final star betokens the rank of Ultimate witch!"
"Mark me, Cake," she asked of her, "I shall have that final star!Where do we start?!"
"Level 1—Dustomancy." she told them.
"Yeah! Dustomancy!" she cheered, "whatever that is! Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme!"
"To receive this power, you must first…" she explained, making two brooms appear, "eat these brooms."
"Alright," the human said, disgusted as she picked the broom, "this is gross! Man, I can't eat this!"
"Yeah, you can!" she promised her before turning big, "do what I do!"
She opened her mouth to put the now tiny broom in then changed back to her normal size. She saw the broom outlines in her stomach, enlarged herself once more before getting small once again as the broom has disappeared.
"Ah, there we go," she said as a star got sew on her cloak.
"Whoooaaa! You got a star!"
"Haha! Observe my magics!" she laughed before Fionna stopped her.
"Wait, Cake!" she asked of her before gnawing at the broom, "don't use 'em until I finish my broom!
It took minutes, hours maybe, but Fionna had almost finished her broom.
"Last... bite…" she whispered, weakly before swallowing hardly.
"Honey, you got your star, too!" Cake realized, smiling.
"WE'RE DUSTOMANCERS!" she stood up, trying to use her new powers, "nothing happened! This is a total ripoff! Anura! You tricked us! Stupid power doesn't even work!
"Calm yourself, girl" she told Fionna,"you are acting hysterical. Do you not see that you are using Dustomancy? Behold…"
Suddenly, the human girl noticed the dust mote that had appeared.
"I'm doing this? So... I have—"
"Yes. Mastery over all dust motes. You can also read their emotions," she explained, "for instance, this mote is very unhappy in her marriage.
"Well, that's... sorta cool."
""Sorta" cool?!" Fionna retorted, "THIS IS RADICAL!"
"Whoo, yeah! Force that enthusiasm!" Cake told her.
"Are you ready for more magic?" the Ultimate Witch asked.
"We get more?!" the blond girl asked, amazed.
"So much more... like Level 2... the power of... Shadowcery!" she named as she was blindfolding them, "you can't see through those, right?"
"Nope... Not at all," Fionna promised.
"To gain provenance over the shadows," she informed, making a bowl full of grapes appear, "place your hands into this bowl!"
"What bowl?" the cat asked, trying to remove the blindfold.
"No! Cover your eyes!" she urged her.
"Mmmm, fine…"
"Thrust your hands into this bowl... of eyeballs," she faked in a menacing tone.
"Eyeballs?!" Fionna frowned
"Honey, it's okay," Cake reassured her, "they're just peeled grapes."
"No! They're eyeballs…" she giggled mischievously as the two apprentices reached for the grape making disgusted noises, "well done. You have groped the eyeballs fearlessly."
"Another star!" they realized, un-blindfolded, "yeah! Shadowcery…
Fionna concentrated to morph her shadow into a horse.
"Onward, my shadow steed!" she said trying to ride it but passing through.
"No touchies," it said before disappearing.
"Witch powers are so cool... I want ALL THE STAR BADGES!"
Our heroines kept training to become stronger. Level by level, testing their dexterity and their imagination, they gained all powers from growing hair to make mayonnaise appear.
Meanwhile, a snail was waving, unnoticed.
"All we're missing now is the big star!" Fionna soon realized, "you ready to complete the set, honey?"
"Nah, I'm good."
"WHAT?!" she could not believe her friend, "how can you stop now?"
"Eh... I've got everything I need. A limitless supply of mayonnaise, this captivating new hairstyle…," she said showing her puffy, curly hairs, "and I just learned the best spell of all!"
"What's that?" she wondered.
"Sleep," she told her, putting herself on a sleeping curse.
"Aw... What a lame-o," she complained before turning to the toad, "Anura! I'm ready to get that big star!"
"To tell true, the last power is not free," she confessed.
"Wha?"she growled, "you can't do this to me, girl! I've got no money!"
"No, no cash," she assured, "for the final star, you must take the pledge of ultimate responsibility."
"Okay. I'll take that pledge," she promised nonchalantly.
"Are you sure? Perhaps you are not sufficiently familiar with—"
"I'm ready!" shut cut her off.
"Well, there may be ramifications that you cannot—"
"Just let me take that pledge, man!" she said impatiently.
"My word, I've never met someone so irresponsibly responsible," she laughed, "very well, then. You must... grasp my hand."
"That's it? Easy!" as she did as told, she shined with a glorious light and screamed.
A big star glows on her cloak. Fionna was immediately pulled up by cables.
"Huh? My big star! Yes! Wha-hoo! Yeah! Wait, where am I?"
She now hung to the ceiling with three other old ladies who used their magic on an orb.
"Direct your attention to the scale-model orb," Anura asked.
"Huh?" she realized a comet was going directly to the hill, "is that an asteroid heading for this very temple?"
"Yes," she confessed, "it's been heading for this temple for 847 years. Only the magic of the ultimate witches keeps it from getting any closer. Quickly, add your power to that of the orb."
"Oh, okay," she agreed, adding her magic to the other witches', " Whoa! I got it! Now what?"
"Now I release the elder Jenny from her pledge," she explained, "razzamafoo!"
"It's about time…" the granny said as she was teleported.
"And you take her place…" she then said to Fionna, "for the rest of your natural life."
"Awesome," she smiled before realizing, "wait, what?!"
"This is what you signed up for when you took the pledge of ultimate responsibility," she informed her.
"This is what all the witch training was about?!" she now understood, letting go of the orb, "you tricked me!"
"Young witch!" one of the two remaining old lady called, "the asteroid approaches!"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry."
"I tricked you, of course…" she admitted, "but would anyone really volunteer to do this?" I'm out."
"Aw, man, this sucks," she stated, frustrated, "old people! There's gotta be a better way!"
" Nope... This is how the ancient ones wanted it," the stuck up lady declared.
"Yeah? I've got a younger idea!" she said, removing herself from the station.
"You fool! Your newfangled thinking will get us all killed!"
"Youth culture forever!" she chanted, running outside and spotting the oncoming asteroid.
"Hey! Have you gone crazy?!" Anura spotted her, putting the still living Jenny in her coffin, "get back in the bouncy harness!"
"Sleep!" she casted as the ultimate witch fell into her spell.
"Ultimate witchry, activate!" she named as nothing happened, "...Uh... Hm. Maybe my footing's off? There you go!. I cast... Dragon Eyes! Tiger Claw! Vorpal Hand! Blazing Feet! Beauteous Wings! And finally... every other power I didn't mention by naaaame!
She turned into a giant chimaera, the most powerful creature she could be.
"With all my magics combined, I'm powerful enough to move the entire village out of the asteroid's path!" she proclaimed," trying to lift the village in vain as the still sleeping cat titled out of the main temple.
"I need some help! Cake! Awaken!" she cast.
"Reflect," she mumbled in her sleep, redirecting the spell on a rock.
"Hey, I'm alive! What's that up there?" he wondered before noticing the asteroid, "AH! OH, NO!"
"Hah…" Fionna sighed, "my stupid young idea will be responsible for hundreds of deaths!"
"It sure will," she heard an old witch say behind her.
"Huh? Old witches!" she called, surprised to see them both, "you ditched your responsibilities to help me!
"What?" she asked, "no! We left so we wouldn't be killed by that asteroid!"
" Oh, okay, um," she sighed, "since you're here already, could you lend me a hand?"
With their joined powers, the ultimate witches could finally move the village out of the meteor's path. When the meteor landed, a giant explosion occured, destroying the clothes of the Old witches, Fionna, and Cake, waking her up.
"Whoo-hoo! Nice job!" she congratulated them as the village fell back down, "thanks to us, the village is saved. And we reclaimed a few of your twilight years!"
"Don't forget to thank me," Anura said proudly, "for this was my plan for all of these 847 years."
"No way!" Fionna snapped, "your plan was to dupe a succession of rubes into keeping the asteroid at bay!"
"Perhaps you're right," she admitted, guilty, "no more giving out free powers. I hereby renounce all life is oveeeeeer!
"Chill, man. You don't have to quit your job."
"I don't?" the tadpoles asked.
"Nah. Just don't take credit for ideas that aren't yours."
"Oh... okay…" she said as the two were leaving, "good idea... Glad I thought of it…"
As the two walked back to their Tree Fort, they met the reaper.
"Hey, naked kid. you want some free... Demon heart?!"
THE END