Sorry this is late. :x
It ended up a lot longer than I anticipated and gave me some trouble, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out in the end.
As always, thanks for reading and reviewing. X3
Regrets
Ryuuji stared down past his clasped hands, past the floor, his eyes focused on nothing as he waited. He'd long since passed the point of exhaustion where he could even focus on his worry—all the what if's and could be's—now simply existing in a state of ragged, fearful anticipation.
The hospital waiting room was stuffy and warm. People shifted around him, the occasional cough or sniffle breaking the silence as they all waited for a doctor or nurse to come free them from that uncomfortable hell of not knowing.
A can of cold coffee was pressed in to his hands and he looked up, noticing Rin for the first time. The half demon didn't say anything at first, simply falling in to the seat beside Ryuuji. When Ryuuji failed to move or respond in any way, Rin took the can of coffee from his limp hands and cracked it open before handing it back to him.
"Drink," Rin said, "You've been awake for over 24 hours. You look like hell."
Ryuuji raised the can to his lips, drinking from it like a robot following an order, not even tasting it, only to continue holding the can with limp fingers as he went back to staring blankly off in to the distance.
"He's gonna' be okay, you know?" Rin said, placing his hand on Ryuuji's shoulder, squeezing gently, but the statement lacked Rin's usual bullheaded certainty. Ryuuji glanced sidelong at him, his brow pinched in his usual glare, but his eyes were hopeful—pleading.
"He faced off against the Impure King by himself and survived. A heart attack is nothing."
Ryuuji finally sighed, the first real signs of life as he sat up, straightening himself and stretching in his chair, his joints popping audibly. He took another drink of the canned coffee and then rubbed his temples. "I should have been here," he said, his voice quiet, even for waiting room standards.
"You're here now," Rin offered, "That's what's important."
Ryuuji said nothing, simply shaking his head as if he didn't believe it was enough, and a quiet moment passed between them, filled with uncertainty and the quiet chatter of the waiting room around them.
"Do you ever think…" Rin trailed off, looking away from him hesitantly and scratching at the side of his face as if to cover the awkward silence with action. "Do you ever think maybe you made the wrong choice? Staying with me instead of taking over as the head of the Myodha?"
"Yes."
Ryuuji grunted as Rin punched him in the shoulder. It had been just on the edge of what you could call one of Rin's "playful" punches. Rin didn't have to say it. Ryuuji knew he had hurt his feelings by being so quick to answer the question that way. He took a deep breath, rubbing his shoulder where he knew a bruise would rapidly be forming as he exhaled softly.
"I think about it all the time. Did I abandon my life-long goals? Did I let the temple and my family down?" Ryuuji stopped, and took a deep breath as he collected his thoughts, "I think about those things, and I think about what happened to my father; the way his duty and the secrets he held almost consumed him. The way he was driven to drink and distance himself from our family, because he wasn't allowed to confide in anyone without breaking his oath; an oath he didn't have a choice in making. An oath that was foisted on him by his great-great-grandfather, or whoever it was that made the first pact. An oath I took upon myself on impulse when I was still young and naïve enough to believe I alone could help restore the Myodha to its former glory." He paused. "An oath I wouldn't have been able to fulfill if not for you."
Rin sucked in a quiet breath and Ryuuji could feel the half demon's stare boring holes in the side of his face as he listened intently. He didn't know if it was the exhaustion that spurred him on, but Ryuuji took another breath, about to continue, when a tug on his sleeve and a pointed look from Rin had him glancing up to find his mother approaching them.
"Well, if it isn't my favorite son."
Torako's voice was cheerful as she approached them with open arms, but the dark, tired circles under her eyes and her wan smile belied the fact that she'd probably gotten just as little sleep as they had. Blotchy red eyes showed she'd probably been crying, perhaps even right outside the hospital, as if she'd composed herself for their sake.
Ryuuji stood to greet his mother, feeling slightly lighter now that there was one more person to share their burden with, only to sputter indignantly as she moved first to hug Rin. But when she hugged Ryuuji she clung to him with a desperate strength not befitting her tiny frame, shaking in his arms. She took a deep breath, her head pressed to his shoulder, before stepping back and pulling a handkerchief from her pocket, dabbing her eyes.
"I've made all the necessary arrangements," she said after she'd composed herself, "The Inn will be fine without me for the next few days, so I don't have to worry about it. I can… I can take the time…" She trailed off.
"If there's anything you or Tatsuma need, we're here for you," Rin said, and Torako blinked, momentarily caught off guard by the inclusion of her husband in that offer, as if Rin wholly believed he'd pull through—as if it weren't even in question. She smiled.
"Thank you. Has there been any news?"
"Not yet. We've-"
"Suguro-san?"
They both jumped at the doctor's approach—all bundles of jittery nerves, like an elastic band held taught, waiting for the release.
"Yes?" Ryuuji and his mother said in unison, sharing a worried glance.
"Suguro Tatsuma is out of surgery. Would you come with me, please?"
The doctor turned without waiting for a response and Torako and Ryuuji shared a worried glance before she fell in step behind him, but Ryuuji held back. He'd been stuck in that exhausting state of uncertainty for so long his body had become numb. Now, if he followed the doctor, one way or the other, he'd know.
Ryuuji started as Rin took his hand, twining their fingers together, squeezing gently; a comforting stable reminder of his presence and silent support. Ryuuji took a deep breath and let Rin guide him after the doctor.
The doctor led them only as far as outside the waiting room doors, so they would be afforded some privacy away from the other families, waiting for their own release—to hear the fate of their loved ones—before he gave them the news. The good and the bad.
Tatsuma was stable for the time being, but he wasn't out of the woods yet. Infection and other complications marred the road to recovery. He was bed bound for the immediate future and would face the rest of his life weaker than before, but he was alive, and ready to take visitors.
The sound of the heart monitor echoed throughout the tiny room as they entered. The machines and wires crowded him, making Tatsuma look impossibly tiny and frail, a hard contrast to his normally robust and energetic persona.
He looked up as they entered, a weak smile lighting up his face and instantly making him look more alive as he sheepishly rubbed his head, nodding towards them in greeting.
"Sorry to worry you all."
"The hell are you apologizing for, old man?" Ryuuji said softly, the acerbic words familiar to his tongue, but holding none of their usual bite. He stepped up to the side of the bed, looking down at his father's weakened form before taking his hand and leaning down to embrace him in a hug, clapping him on the back before stepping back awkwardly, unused to showing him physical affection after the gap in their relationship had appeared, but wanting the physical touch to reassure himself that he wasn't simply dreaming, having fallen asleep in the hard plastic waiting room chair.
It was weird. Demons were one thing. Just as Rin had said, Tatsuma had faced off against some of the worst and lived to tell about it. To think that he could be brought this low because of something so simple—it was humbling. It could happen to anyone. It could happen to him too.
Torako stepped up to the side of the bed, scowling down at her husband, her face that of a disappointed mother ready to scold a child, before the stress of the whole situation overwhelmed her and her expression crumpled as she collapsed at the side of the bed, crying harder than her tiny handkerchief could handle.
"The doctors say it was probably caused by stress." Tatsuma sat up to take Torako's hand, rubbing her back as she cried.
"I'm sure the drinking doesn't help either," Torako cut in, her tone bitter, but the effect weakened as she continued to cry, her words broken up by her sobbing. Tatsuma chuckled lightly, but declined to comment.
Torako continued to scold him between sobs, chastising him for the poor choices that may or may not have contributed to this outcome, but Tatsuma just laughed it off, letting her cling to his hand. Ryuuji said nothing, merely taking in his parents' presence, knowing that everything Tatsuma had done had been done out of love. You couldn't change the past, but Ryuuji knew that given the opportunity and knowing where it would get him, his father would have done it all the same, taking that impossible burden upon himself without hesitation in order to protect his family.
After a while Rin and Ryuuji retreated from the room so his parents could be alone and his father could rest, the surgery and medication having taken its toll on the man.
"It looks like he'll be okay," Rin said in the hallway outside the room, his tone hopeful.
"Yeah… Looks like."
Ryuuji rubbed his temples, letting his head fall back against the wall behind him with a sigh. Rin sidled up next him, slipping an arm around his waist without a word, letting his head fall against Ryuuji's shoulder. After a minute Ryuuji's head slid down to rest against Rin's, and Rin nearly jump when Ryuuji started snoring right in his ear.
"Oi," Rin said, shrugging his shoulder to lightly jostle Ryuuji awake. "If you're gonna' sleep then let's get you back to your parent's place."
"Wasn't sleeping… I'm fine."
"Like hell you are. You've been awake for hours, and now that you know your dad is okay your body is crashing. We're getting you out of here and in to a bed. End of discussion."
Surprisingly Ryuuji nodded, rubbing his face as he started to move instead of arguing.
"Ya' know…" Ryuuji started softly, his words muffled by a severe lack of sleep, "All that shit that happened with me and my dad back then, back when we were just exwires? I was so pissed at him, thinking he was abandoning our family and our goals, only to realize he'd been protecting us all along and just couldn't tell us."
Rin nodded as he fell in step beside him.
"After everything that happened, I thought for sure he'd finally join The Order and help restore our temple… But he didn't, and I had no idea how to take it. Even though we parted on good terms, I didn't talk to him again for over a year."
Rin reached up and lightly cuffed Ryuuji on the back of the head.
"Ow! The hell was that for?!" Ryuuji asked, suddenly much more awake as he rubbed the back of his head. Add that to the list of bruises
"After everything I did to make sure you guys weren't fighting, you didn't talk to him for over a year?!"
"Would ya' just let me finish the damn story?" Ryuuji snapped, "It's not like I was actively avoiding talking to him either. It just wasn't convenient while I was going to school, but… My point was… I thought things would go back to the way they were when I was a kid and they didn't, and at first I didn't know how to take it, but… I realized I was being selfish. He's been so much happier, my mom too, just taking care of the inn and staying close to family."
"Yeah, he has, hasn't he?" Rin said quietly.
"Anyways, I just wanted to finish what I was saying earlier. Sometimes I do second guess the choices we've made, but every time I come to the same conclusion."
Ryuuji took Rin's hand and turned to face him, stepping in close and letting their foreheads touch.
"You don't have to say it…"
"Maybe, but I want to. Family is important, and for me that includes you. The choices I made, that led me here? With you? I wouldn't do anything different, except, maybe…" he trailed off, looking down at the floor between them. Rin narrowed his eyes and ducked slightly so Ryuuji would be forced to look at him, biting his lip in concern.
"Except what?"
"Except… I think I wouldn't wait so long before agreeing to let our family get bigger."
Rin stepped back and Ryuuji could practically see the wheels turning inside his head as the meaning dawned on him and Rin's eyes widened, his mouth dropping open, before stretching in to a wide smile as he began to bristle with newfound energy.
"Oh! Oh my- Are you serious?"
"I wouldn't joke about something like this, idiot."
"Oh my god," Rin said, hopping from foot to foot as he fished his phone out of his pocket. "I have to tell Shiemi!"
"Shiemi? Why?" Ryuuji asked, confused by the sudden turn of events, but Rin was already dialing, practically fumbling the numbers in his excitement before cradling the phone to his ear.
"Because she agreed to be our surrogate," he said quickly, before the line picked up and he turned away from Ryuuji to happily relay the news.
Ryuuji sighed, shaking his head. He could hardly believe that Rin had talked to Shiemi about something so personal when as far as he was concerned they were only considering things—Of course the two of them would talk, but to have her offer something like that?
They had talked about kids a few times since the first discussion, but it mostly just led to Ryuuji stressing over how expensive or difficult it would be. However, he'd come to realize that those concerns weren't as big as he thought. Family was important, and it wasn't like he didn't want kids. It sounded appealing when Rin talked about all the positives, but Ryuuji often felt like the job of considering the negatives fell to him alone. Sometimes that led to focusing on the negatives and not being able to see anything else, but thinking about his own relationship with his father had helped him realize that a lot of the negatives weren't that big of a deal.
It shocked him how easily his father had thrown aside his career as an exorcist, but he couldn't deny that it had been the right choice for him.
Despite all his misgivings, they could make things work, and doubt didn't mean they shouldn't try, right?
Ryuuji could hear Shiemi squeal through the phone, excitedly congratulating Rin before he hung up and turned back to Ryuuji only to squeeze him in a tight hug.
"Thank you."
"The hell are ya' thanking me for?" Ryuuji asked even as he returned the hug. "I'm not doing this just for you."
"I know, but still… Thank you."
Rin smiled up at him and Ryuuji couldn't help but smile back. Rin's infectious excitement almost overwrote the exhaustion he felt seeping out of his bones—almost.
"You're welcome," he kissed the top of Rin's head and then released him, taking his hand. "Let's get out of here, get some sleep, and then you can fill me in on exactly what it is you roped Shiemi in to."
Rin could only laugh, suppressing a smile as they left the hospital together.