Disclaimer: Stargate: SG-1 and all related concepts are the property of MGM, while the character of Spike belongs to Joss Whedon and James Marsters, among other people (Also, the original idea for this story came from Jedi Buttercup's 'An Unexpected Gift', so I don't own it either, although I have put my own spin on things, and have been given his full permission to use his idea)
Feedback: I'd appreciate it, of course
The Ghost in the Team
God… Spike groaned as he slumped against the wall- or rather, tried to slump against the wall; if he actually did slump against the thing he'd probably just fall through it- and glanced over at the group of people sitting around the table studying the script for what Spike was rapidly becoming convinced was the dumbest movie he'd ever heard of in his life.
What the Hell was I thinking, coming along to this thing? he sighed, as Sam walked back into the room from some lower level where they apparently kept all the equipment that kept that dumb 'Stargate' thing doing whatever it was it did to link up to other planets. I haven't been this bored since Ol' One-Eye's would-be wedding last year; at least then the demon guests gave me some hope that things would get more interesting!
"Problem?" Vala suddenly asked, breaking into Spike's train of thought and drawing his attention back to the admittedly rather hot brunette now standing in front of him.
"Just a bit bored, luv; nothing major," Spike replied bluntly as he continued to study the room before him. "This whole thing's just getting a bit tedious; nothing serious."
"Yeah, I have to agree with you there; there really isn't that much in this movie," Vala replied, before a thoughtful expression crossed her face as she glanced up at Sam. "Hey, just a suggestion, but if you all want this to be more accurate, why don't you just give him your mission files?"
"They're classified," Sam retorted bluntly as she walked over to join the spectral vampire and the ex-space-thief.
"Uh… no offence intended," Spike pointed out, looking critically over at Sam, "but since nobody's going to believe this crap anyway, what's the harm in giving him something a bit more believable to base his story on?
"Spike," Sam said, looking in frustration at the vampire, "firstly, we can't just give anyone access to the mission files- there's no guarantee that some people wouldn't be able to put two and two together and realise that what they're seeing isn't totally fiction; not all of our activities occurred exclusively on other planets, even if the stuff on Earth never attracts much attention- and secondly, do you even know how many mission files there are?"
"One thousand, two hundred and sixty-three," Mitchell put in from one side, a slight smile on his face as he looked in their direction. "Hopefully going up to sixty-four by the end of the day."
"Actually," Daniel put in, smiling slightly over at Sam and Teal'c as the three of them turned to look at Mitchell, "it's one thousand, two hundred and sixty-four already."
"Nope, it's sixty-three," Mitchell stated confidently. "I'm pretty sure that's right; I've read all the files recently."
"Actually," Sam added, a slight smile on her face, "you haven't read file 30185."
"30185?" Spike said, looking in confusion over at the astrophysicist. "What the hell's so special about that one?"
"We can't tell you," Daniel said apologetically, before turning to Mitchell. "And I was including you when I said that, Mitchell; sorry."
"What do you mean you can't tell me?" Mitchell protested, standing up to look Daniel in the eyes as he spoke. "I mean, Spike I can get- the man's still new, after all, even if he has been vouched for by an independent witness with no reason to screw us around- but I've got the highest security clearance known to mankind. What is 30185?"
"We were sworn to secrecy," Sam said simply.
"Oh, secrecy?" Spike snorted as he glanced over at Sam. "What, you can let me know about a big stone ring that lets you go to other planets, but you can't tell him about a single bloody file about a mission through aforementioned ring when you're the ones who brought it up in the first place?"
"Sorry, but we promised," Sam said, shrugging slightly before a slight frown crossed her face and she turned to look back at Spike. "By the way, the Stargate's not made of stone; it's made of a non-Earth element known as naquadah which plays an important role in most alien technology-"
"OK, not interested in that kind of crap; I just want to know about this file you mentioned," Spike interrupted, looking inquiringly between Sam and Daniel. "Any chance you'd be prepared to fill me in?"
"Or maybe me?" Vala asked, smiling over at Daniel.
"Oh, yeah, we can tell you," Daniel replied casually, prompting an excited grin from Vala.
"Well…" Sam began, looking between Vala and Spike as she spoke, "it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969-"
"Hold on a minute," Spike said, looking over incredulously at Sam. "That thing lets you travel in time?"
"It's an imprecise art at best, Spike," Sam said, rolling her eyes slightly as she looked back at the vampire. "It only works if we dial the Stargate at the precise moment of a solar flare on Earth's sun and we're dialling an address that would take us close to the planet; the solar flare basically 'disrupts' the Stargate system and causes the wormhole to come out at a different location in time on the planet of origin. It's only happened to us once- we were sent back to 1969 for a couple of weeks during the early days of the program- and we have no real desire to go through it again; even if we could somehow predict a solar flare to send us back in time to a specific date, the risks of changing history the wrong way are just too great for us to bother trying it."
"Ah," Spike said, nodding briefly before sighing and sticking his hands in his pockets once more. "So, no chance of me nipping back a few months to stop myself being turned into the vampire Casper, huh?"
Daniel shook his head. "Sorry, Spike; it's just not going to happen," he said, looking apologetically at his new friend.
"Getting back to this file…" Mitchell commented, looking critically over at Sam, Daniel and Spike, "the time-travel trip can't have anything to do with me; I wasn't even born till a year later."
"Actually," Daniel said, a small smile on his face as he glanced over at the rest of the team, "it was exactly nine months before you were born."
Mitchell blinked in surprise at the implications of that statement.
"What?" he said incredulously.
"You have to remember, it was the 60's," Sam said, grinning at him.
"Oh, don't get me started on the bloody sixties," Spike groaned, clutching his head in one hand and nearly leaning back against the wall before he stopped himself; he'd rather not fall through the thing, thanks. "I drank a guy at Woodstock- this was during my evil phase, I'd like to make clear- and spent the next few hours watching my hand move; I do not want to have to deal with that kind of crap again…"
"Getting back on topic," Daniel said, glaring briefly over at Spike before turning to Mitchell with a slight smile, "didn't you ever wonder why Jack's always taken an interest in your life?"
"Jack?" Mitchell said, looking at the archaeologist in surprise. "O'Neill?"
"Indeed," Teal'c said simply.
"Do you remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you didn't think you should get in?" Sam continued, smiling slightly teasingly at Mitchell as she spoke. "How about when you were chosen for SG-1?"
"Wait a minute, are you saying this 'Jack' guy- and we are talking about the guy who used to be your boss before he got promoted out of here, right?- is actually the proud father of Cam here?" Spike asked, looking between Daniel and Mitchell with a frustrated glare in his eyes. "I don't know whether to be wowed or annoyed; I always thought that whole idea of your parents coming from the future in time travel movies was just plain stupid…"
"Hmm," Teal'c said briefly, as he smiled over at Mitchell. The lieutenant colonel studied Teal'c's expression thoughtfully for a moment, and then finally shook his head and grinned.
"Oh, I'm being punk'd, aren't I?" he said, a slight smirk on his face.
"We honestly can't tell you about 30185," Sam said simply.
"OK…" Mitchell groaned, slumping back into his chair, a look on his face that made it clear to Spike that this wasn't the end of the matter as far as the lieutenant-colonel was concerned.
"Well, if your files are out, maybe you could use some stuff from my life to give him some ideas?" Spike said, looking inquiringly over at Sam and Daniel. "You know, make the 'gate a portal to a world of demons, Daniel's the occult expert, Teal'c's the bad-guy-turned-good-due-to-a-curse, Sam's the science whiz, Mitchell's the demon-ass-kicker-"
"It wouldn't work," Sam interjected, shaking her head in frustration at Spike. "I'm sure we all appreciate the suggestion, Spike, but firstly, this is a movie based on a science-fiction series; we can't just change the emphasis to make it supernatural, and secondly-"
Whatever else Sam might have been about to say about Spike's suggestion was destined never to be revealed; before Daniel could continue talking, Marty chose that moment to walk back into the room, waving his phone in the air in frustration.
"I can't believe it!" he sighed, as he slumped down into the chair. "The whole cast heard Marlowe is holding out for more money, and now they're all joining in. Where do they think it comes from? How am I supposed to do a movie without any actors?"
"Carter," Mitchell said, smiling slightly as he raised one hand, "correct me if I'm wrong on this, but is it not a fact of parallel dimension physics that each of us exists somewhere in some universe in whatever way, shape, or form we can imagine?"
"Any way, shape, or form we can imagine," Carter said, nodding in confirmation. "We've seen it for ourselves," she added, glancing over at Spike. "We've actually visited alternate realities once or twice."
"There you go," the lieutenant colonel said, smiling nonchalantly as he leant back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his head as he glanced over at Marty. "Use your imagination. Maybe you could… I dunno, just use puppets or something? You know, make it a Gerry Anderson-style take on the whole thing?"
"Yeah, that'll work," Marty said, rolling his eyes sarcastically. "A whole movie made with puppets?"
"Hey, I'm just saying-" Mitchell began.
"Maybe we can have puppet O'Neill jump over a puppet shark on a one-third scale motorcycle," Marty continued, rolling his eyes in exasperation as he slumped back into his chair.
Blinking in confusion, Vala raised her eyebrows and glanced hopefully over at Mitchell.
"I don't get it," she said simply. Mitchell could only shrug at that.
"Look," Marty said, as he looked around at the rest of SG-1, "you don't know the business like I do. I don't have any money, so I have to give the actors something else."
"Why not just give them bigger trailers?" Spike suggested with a slightly dismissive shrug of his shoulders.
"I can't afford that either," Marty said, shaking his head in a manner that suggested to Spike he almost wasn't paying attention to his surroundings. "No, I have to give them something that costs me nothing but no actor can refuse."
"And… what's that?" Mitchell asked, waving a hand in a prompting manner.
"A good ego stroking," Marty said simply. "I have to make them think that I re-wrote the script just for them. In this draft, there has to be something that makes them want to do this movie even if it's for scale."
"Oh, and what do you call what we've been trying to do here for the last few hours; just a fancy form of breathing?" Spike retorted, waving one hand at the table.
"Oh, I appreciate it, but it's still not quite what I'm looking for," Marty said, shaking his head as he spoke. "No… I'm talking about a twist, something that nobody's expecting.
"You mean something like this?" a voice said from outside the door. As Spike glanced in the direction of the voice, a tall man, apparently in his mid-fifties with short grey hair, dressed in a blue dress uniform and smiling nonchalantly around the room. Spike had no idea who he was, but he was evidently well-known to everybody else in the room; Daniel, Sam and Teal'c in particular seemed happy to see him, and
"Wow," Vala said, as she jerked a thumb at the new arrival while glancing over at Marty, "I don't think anyone will see that coming."
"No, there'll be spoilers," Daniel said, shaking his head.
"Are you kidding?" Sam asked, nodding with a slight smile on her face. "It'll be in the commercial."
"Uh… question?" Spike interjected, looking critically around at the others as he walked forward to stand in the centre of the table, the better to make his presence known. "Would someone mind telling those of us who just got here who this guy actually is?"
Sighing slightly, the new arrival and turned to look at Spike, who was currently standing in the middle of the briefing table with his arms folded, as though daring somebody to make something of his current corporeally-challenged existence as he critically studied the man standing before him.
"So, based on that, I take it you're another new guy?" he asked, looking at the platinum-haired vampire with a small smile on his face that looked like he was trying to decide whether to shake Spike's hand or punch his face. "General Jack O'Neill- used to run this place- and I just have two questions for you; what planet did you come from, and why are you standing in the table?"
"Uh… actually, Spike's from Earth; we were sent an amulet of some kind, and, when I opened the package, Spike… well, appeared," Daniel explained, looking apologetically at his old friend. "As for the intangibility thing… we're still working on figuring that part out; it's not something he has any control over."
"Ah," Jack said, looking back at where the platinum-haired vampire was currently looking at him as though trying to decide whether he should like him or hate him
"So," Mitchell asked, looking curiously over at Jack as Marty's cell-phone suddenly rang, prompting him to walk away to answer it with a brief apologetic wave in their direction, "what brings you this way, sir?"
"What, a guy can't just stop by from Malibu to say hi?" Jack said, looking inquiringly at the younger man in front of him.
"Malibu?" Sam said critically.
"Sure," Jack said, nodding slightly. "I was there on… business."
Spike couldn't believe this guy; his 'cover story'- if it could be called that- was totally unbelievable. Why he'd ever thought anyone would buy such a lame excuse Spike doubted he'd ever understand…
"Exactly, sir," Sam said; clearly she didn't buy this guy's story any more than Spike did. "You're an air force general with enormous responsibilities; you can't just 'drop in' like this."
"OK," Jack said, looking around at them in an apologetic manner before he spoke once again, pulling out a chair and sitting down at the table with the rest of them. "Well, ostensibly, I just stopped by to see how you were doing with Marty, but… Well, truth be known that… uh, lately, I've been feeling a little…"
He waved a hand uncertainly as he looked around the table. "Well… how do I say it…?"
"It's OK to say that you missed us, sir," Sam said, smiling slightly at him.
"No, not that," he said dismissively. Spike briefly registered a slightly conflicted expression on Sam's face, as though she wasn't sure whether to be relieved or insulted at that, but she pushed it aside so quickly that he couldn't be sure whether or not it had been there in the first place.
"Like you have unfinished business?" Daniel asked.
"Yeah, pretty much," Jack said, nodding briefly in confirmation at his old friend.
"You need closure, and I have the perfect thing," Mitchell said, smiling slightly at the older man. "We're about to go on a mission to commemorate my two-hundredth trip through the gate."
"Really?" Jack said, looking at Mitchell with a slight smile. "Two hundred, you say?"
"That's two hundred times he's stepped through the gate, sir, not actual missions," Sam clarified.
"And I still don't get what the big deal is about that; I mean, it's not like anybody threw a party for me when I took out my two hundredth victim…" Spike began, only to pause as he realised the rest of the team were looking critically at him. "Hey, that was pre-soul, you know; I don't do that sort of thing any more!"
"Uh… yeah, whatever," Jack said, clearly deciding to just ignore that particular issue for a more convenient time as he turned back to look at the rest of his old team. "Getting back to the issue of a trip through the 'gate… to be honest, I wouldn't mind one last jaunt through the old orifice."
As he pointed at the Stargate, the rest of the group- Spike included- frowned critically at him.
"What?" Jack said, shrugging slightly. "We call it that sometimes, don't we? Orifice?"
A look exchanged between Sam and Daniel was all Spike needed to confirm what he already suspected; this guy either had one strange sense of humour, or he was only slightly less warped than Dru had been.
Still, Spike mused to himself, as Marty once again angrily terminated another phone call with the movie's producers, at least he's not downright homicidal.
"Stupid focus groups!" he groaned, as he slammed one hand against the wall. "They hate the ending; I have to think of something new!"
"They could go fishing," Jack said, looking over at Marty with an eager grin.
"Fishing?" Marty repeated, looking at the original commander of SG-1 as though he'd just grown another head.
"Yeah, it would be the perfect ending," Jack said, smiling encouragingly at Marty. "I mean, after that, anything else would seem... pointless. Think of it; they're sitting back, hanging out together as friends, casting a line into an… OK, an empty lake, probably, but still…"
He shrugged. "I think it works."
"Yeah, but where's the last-minute twist to leave the audience interested?" Marty retorted. "I mean, no fish? I need something with more impact, something more…moving."
"Hey," Vala put in, a broad grin on her face as she smacked Daniel briefly on the arm, "everyone loves a wedding; why not just do that?"
"A wedding?" Daniel repeated, looking incredulously over at Vala.
"Yeah; it's perfect!" Vala continued, smiling casually over at the archaeologist. "We have an Asgard overseeing the ceremonies, the bride teleports in after a little bit of harmless-yet-amusing innuendo between the groom and best man, then, finally, the wedding of those two guys in the series who had all that sexual tension building up between them… what were their names again?"
"Colonel Danning and Major Stacy Monroe," Daniel stated bluntly, glaring briefly at Vala in a manner that made it clear he didn't want to take this particular line of discussion any further.
Spike blinked in surprise.
Was it his imagination, or did his new friend sound almost… disappointed by that fact? He didn't remember much of what few episodes of Wormhole X-Treme he'd seen- as he'd said, he thought the series sucked- but, looking at the group around him now, he was guessing that Major Monroe was based on Carter and Danning had already been confirmed as being based on this 'Jack' sucker.
"Yeah, right," Marty snorted, breaking into Spike's train of thought. "I'd do that… if I want to torture the audience on purpose."
"Gotta agree with you; I don't think it'd work out either," Spike commented, smirking slightly from the back of the room.
"Excuse me?" Jack said, turning to look critically at the vampire 'ghost' standing behind him. "Who died and made you a movie critic?"
"Given that I was there at the world premiere of every 'Dracula' movie ever made in the last century- had to eat a few people to get the tickets, but I was always there; like seeing how the prat's portrayed by the general public these days- I think I know what people like over the years," Spike retorted. "You end with something permanent like a wedding when the characters haven't even admitted how they felt about each other for real before- and I saw X-Treme once or twice; none of the characters said anything about loving each other- and you just feel like they stuck that in there for the sheer heck of it. You've got to have had at least a few more explicit hints in the series before something like that, otherwise it just seems like you stuck it in for the heck of it."
Before Jack could reply to that- not that he or any of the other members of SG-1 were entirely sure how to respond in the first place-, the smirk had faded from Spike's face and he was glaring at Jack, folding his arms as he studied the man before him. "By the way, I resent the 'died' comment; I've already pretty much died twice, you know, and I'd appreciate you not making light of it."
Jack had only just opened his mouth to ask what Spike meant by that when Landry walked up the stairs from the 'gate control room, a slight smile on his face as he glanced over at the facility's top team.
"The gate's back up and running," he said, smiling briefly at them before he turned to nod at Jack. "General," he added, nodding with respect at his superior officer.
"General," Jack replied nodding in confirmation.
"With permission...?" Mitchell inquired, jerking his thumb towards the room door. Landry nodded in confirmation, and the entire SG-1 team instantly stood up and headed for the room's entrance, leaving Marty and Spike standing in the briefing room as Landry and Jack followed their colleagues.
"Oh, by the way, Spike," Landry said, pausing mid-way through the door as he turned to look back at the SGC's newest arrival, "I've contacted the IOA; they'll be sending an agent down to evaluate whether or not you should be allowed to serve on an SG team while we're away."
Spike opened his mouth to protest, but Landry raised a hand to stop him. "It's SGC policy; if you're going to stick around here, you have to do it, or we'll have to see whether calling in an exorcist would actually do anything to you."
For a moment, Spike and Landry simply stood there, glaring at each other, before Spike sighed and nodded.
"What the hell…" the vampire once known as William the Bloody sighed, as he looked at Landry. "If I've got to sit with a shrink, I'll sit with a shrink."
"Good," Landry said, nodding back at Spike. "If I'm not back by the time he arrives, I'll have Colonel Feretti call you when the man gets here; you'll find him in my office."
With that, Landry turned back to the door before him, and began to once again walk out of the room.
"But… but I still don't have my ending!" Marty protested weakly as the general left the room, leaving him alone with the vampire ghost.
Spike shrugged.
"Like to help you, but I'm afraid I can't," he said simply, looking with a teasingly apologetic grin at Marty. "You'll just have to improvise, I guess."
"Oh, great…" Marty groaned, as he slumped back into his chair. "I come all this way, try everything I can think of to get them interested, go over every resource available, and what do I have to show for it in the end? Nothing!"
"Hey, that's your problem; I've got enough issues of my own right now, buddy," Spike pointed out, as he waved his hand through the wall. "In case you weren't paying attention, I'm not meant to be like this; I'm stuck in a state that makes me practically a sodding ghost, and I'm going to have to actually take a bloody Q&A session before they even let me go through the bloody gate. You think you've got-?"
Before Spike could finish his sentence, Marty's phone rang once again.
"For cryin' out loud; how the hell do you even get reception down here?" Spike protested, staring incredulously at the phone in the other man's hand.
"With difficulty," Marty added, smiling slightly sheepishly at the other man before he put the phone to his ear. "Yes, what-?"
In all his years, Spike had never seen a man's expression shift so rapidly; one minute, Marty was looking as frustrated as Spike had ever seen somebody look when they weren't fighting for their lives, and the next he had a grin on his face that was so broad it looked like his head would fall in half.
"Really?" he said, grinning enthusiastically as he listened to the voice on the other end of the line. "That's… that's great! Really, that's fantastic! Thanks; you have no idea how much this means to me!"
"Good news, I take it?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow as he studied the man before him. Marty didn't appear to register what he'd said, however; he just kept on talking into the phone, walking around the room as Spike stared in surprise at the guy.
"OK, yeah, that works; we just pick up where we left off based on the DVD episodes," Marty continued, nodding slightly as he spoke into the phone. "Get the same actors back, come up with something to account for the age difference between this episode and the last one, work on a decent plot…"
"Hey, Marty!" Jack's voice suddenly called up from a lower level; glancing out of the window, Spike noted that the newly-arrived general was standing in front of the Stargate- which now resembled a vivid blue puddle standing at a ninety-degree angle; Spike must have missed it activating due to Marty- with Daniel, Sam and Teal'c on either side of him, with Mitchell, Vala, Landry and some bald guy in glasses that Spike didn't recognise just behind them.
"Why don't you come with us?" Jack continued, indicating the Stargate before them. "Maybe find a little inspiration for the 'end' of your little 'movie'," he added, using quote-marks with his fingers.
"Um… I can't," Marty said, shaking his head. "I just heard from the studio; the movie's been cancelled."
"Oh, there's some heartbreaking news," Jack said, shaking his head pityingly; somehow, Spike doubted anyone there was that broken up by the news.
"Oh, that's too bad," Vala added, her own voice also sounding- to Spike- more than slightly insincere.
"Not for me," Marty smiled eagerly. "They decided to renew the series instead!"
"Ah," Jack said simply, as he exchanged glances with the rest of the team before he nodded. "OK, enough of that; let's move out."
As they walked up the ramp to the Stargate, the four people who Spike had gathered formed the original members of SG-1 took the lead, with Vala, Mitchell, Landry and the unnamed bald guy just behind them. No sooner had they walked through the 'puddle' that apparently served as the way this thing sent you to other places- leaving a brief 'ripple' in the process, Spike noted- than the Stargate powered down, leaving only the ring once again.
Right then, Spike mused to himself, as he turned around to study the room around him, Marty already gathering up his scripts and heading for the door with an eager grin on his face. Guess all I can do now is wait.