Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plotline. The song is "All I Wanted" by Paramore. Sorry this update took 5ever, but it's nice and long this time! =)
Think of me when you're out, when you're out there.
Katara sat at her desk, staring blankly at her computer screen. She was supposed to be drafting her personal statement. A list was taped to her wall directly above her desk, some of the items of the list had already been checked off, but "write and edit personal statement" had been left unchecked for days now. How did they expect Katara to praise her own self? Wasn't that what letters of recommendation were for? The part of Katara that knew she was good at what she did and generally awesome lay about 45 minutes south of where Katara was now, wrapped up in the hand of a boy who was likely either kissing his new girlfriend, or even . . . no, Katara thought to herself. She wouldn't think about him, he probably wasn't thinking of her. Katara doubted he ever did. She just wished she'd managed to extract her self-esteem from him before he left her all those months ago.
I'll beg you nice from my knees.
Zuko pressed his new girlfriend into his mattress, she was the third one this month. As he placed kisses along her jaw, the girl's fingers came up and curled themselves into his hair. Don't do it, Zuko chanted to himself, just don't say it. But the girl's fingers pulled at his hair, just like she would, and in a moan, Zuko said, "Katara, please." Silence ensued, hands stopped moving, and the girl got up quietly and left the room. Zuko sighed, mentally striking a line through Melanie from the waitstaff. At this point, he was surprised girls even went out with him anymore. He knew everyone at his job knew about the beautiful blue-eyed girl he'd lost. The girl whose name he would always say, causing whatever girl was under him to realize just how lost he truly was.
And when the world treats you way too fairly.
Katara and Sokka grinned at each other.
"Read it again," Katara cried gleefully.
"Dear Katara and Sokka, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to present at the 2014 Psychological Conference of Research and Society. Please respond to this email indicating your decision to attend." Katara jumped up from her seat and began happy dancing. Sokka grinned at her again, glad she was smiling once more.
Well it's a shame I'm a dream.
Zuko sat up in his bed, breathing heavily. His hand reached out involuntarily, searching for a warm body he knew he wouldn't find. As his hand grazed cold and empty sheets, the fragments of his dream started slipping away. Katara laughing and running. Zuko chasing her. Katara's lips pressing to his throat, as her fingers tugged on his hair. The softness of her curves under Zuko's calloused hands. Katara turning away with tears in her eyes. Her graceful stride as she walked away, not turning around no matter how many times Zuko cried out to her. No, stop, you can't do this every night. It's not fair, stop walking away. Zuko threw himself back onto his pillows. When would the night he didn't dream of her finally arrive?
All I wanted was you.
"Nervous, Katara?"
"What? No! Of course not."
"Really? Because you've been fiddling with your bracelet for an hour and a half now."
"What if they hate me? What if they hate our data?"
"They're gonna love you. And our data is awesome, they'll love it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Katara nodded and plastered a smile to her face, but today Sokka's words of comfort weren't as reassuring without a pair of bright golden eyes to accompany them.
All I wanted was you.
"Zuko, when is that nice girl coming back?"
"She isn't mom."
"Oh? But I liked her."
"So did I, mom."
"I want her back."
"I know, mom. Now, take your medicine and go to sleep."
"I want her back, Zuko, get her back."
Zuko gave his ailing mother her medicine and tucked her into her bed. As he left his sleeping mother's room, he murmured to himself, "I want her back too."
I think I'll pace my apartment a few times.
Katara walked around her hotel room aimlessly, throwing glances at the clock every half minute. Thirty minutes before she and Sokka had to go set up for their presentation. Katara was no longer nervous, she was just agitated, though she couldn't figure out why. She kept fiddling with her bracelet, the one Zuko had given her on her eighteenth birthday, even though the straps were nearly worn through.
"Katara! I snagged one of the programs! Take a look." Sokka tossed a program to Katara.
It was a nice glossy brochure made of card stock. On the front was the name of the conference they were at and the date. Katara felt as though she'd been punched in the stomach. The date on the brochure was Zuko's birthday.
And fall asleep on the couch.
Zuko walked into his house and collapsed on the couch in front of his TV. The guys at work had tried to make him forget Katara on his birthday by taking him clubhopping. As much as he liked pretty girls in short skirts, having hundreds of them gyrating on him hoping he'd buy them a drink was not his idea of a good time. And no matter how many shots of vodka or rum and cokes he'd consumed, whenever he closed his eyes, he still saw a pair of brilliant blue eyes shining with unshed tears.
And wake up early to black and white reruns.
Katara giggled as Zuko picked her up by her middle. He captured her giggles with his lips and kissed her softly as he placed her on the countertop. Grinning at her she pulled away and stood back in front of the stove, tossing some fresh spinach into the pan he was frying eggs in. Adding spices and various cheeses to the dish, Zuko danced around the kitchen humming to himself. Katara smiled as she watched him, sneaking cheese and tomato whenever he wasn't looking. Katara was the happiest she'd felt in weeks, but something felt wrong.
Sighing, Katara sat up in her bed. On the other side of the room, Sokka was awake watching old I Love Lucy reruns. It had only been a dream.
That escape from my mouth.
"Order's up!" Zuko hit the bell and placed a plate of steaming food onto the window counter for the waitress to grab. Grabbing the next order ticket, he absent-mindedly started buttering the grill. "2 eggs, fried, with spinach, cheese, tomato, and spiced with the firenation blend." That was Katara's favorite, she would eat it any day of the week, twice if she was nervous.
Stop it, Zuko thought to himself. It was a common order. Just because it was Katara's favorite didn't mean she was here. He needed to stop disappointing himself.
"Hiya, Zuko!" The cheery new waitress popped up on the other side of the window to retrieve her table's order.
"Hey, Ming."
Ming grinned and batted her eyelashes. Zuko was used to this reaction, it always precipitated the start of a new cycle of Zuko wining and bedding the newest addition to the staff.
"Hey Ming…" Zuko started before he could stop himself.
"Yeah, Zuko?" she looked up hopefully.
"There isn't a girl with dark brown hair, brown skin, and big, blue eyes out there today, is there? She might have ordered the fire nation eggs."
Ming's face fell. Mai had told her about the girl Zuko was describing and warned her not to try anything with him, but Ming had, like all the previous girls, hoped that she could make Zuko forget about the blue-eyed girl whose name wasn't spoken around here.
"No, I don't think so."
"Ah, of course. Thank you, Ming. Oh, and order up."
Ming took the plates and walked off. Zuko ripped off his apron and made for the backdoor. "I'm going on a smoke-break," he announced. "Don't blow up my kitchen."
As Zuko lit up, he attempted to force the pain down. He would not cry at work. Not again. Not this long after.
Zuko threw his unfinished cigarette to the ground as a small choked sob escaped his lips.
All I wanted was you.
Katara gulped slightly as Sokka parked the car at the tiny gas station located in a small town 45 miles away from where they were headed. Jet turned to her and asked if she needed him to let her out. Katara did need to get out, she had to use the bathroom and she was parched. Having woken up so early this morning and shuffling into the car to head home after the conference, Katara hadn't had more than a sip of juice as they checked out of the hotel. However, this town was where Zuko lived, and if she ran into him here, she wasn't sure she'd make it all the way home without sobbing at least once, and aside from Sokka, she didn't really know anyone else in the carpool well enough to allow a crying fit in their presence. Her eyes swept the parking lot and not seeing his car, Katara felt safe enough to go for a bathroom run, assuming they left in ten minutes or less, the chances of running into him were slim, right?
"Please," she nodded to Jet. Jet moved and let her out of the car, then thinking about it, he walked into the store after her.
As Katara used the restroom and Sokka pumped gas, Jet walked around the convenience store, searching for something to munch on the rest of the way home. The journey wouldn't be much longer, but he was starving now. As he raided the fire chip aisle, a tall handsome man walked into the convenience store.
"A pack of Marborol reds please," he says to the cashier. A small squeak behind Jet alerts him to Katara's return from the restroom.
"You want anything?" Jet turns to Katara motioning to the fire chips, but Katara isn't looking at him. She's staring at the man at the counter. Her eyes are alight, but she also looks sad. "Katara?" he asks.
Katara's eyes flit to Jet's face for a second, but immediately return to the man. The two stare at each other for a few seconds, and then Katara grabs her stomach and covers her mouth and runs back to the restroom.
Jet makes eye contact with the man at the counter, who nods his head briefly, throws money on the counter, takes his cigarettes and walks out the door, leaving Jet to wonder what just happened.
All I wanted was you.
Zuko stomped back to his car, where the newest waitress was waiting for his return. They had just gotten off a morning shift and were headed back to his place.
Well, they were.
"Ming, I need to take you home."
"I thought that was the plan," she giggled suggestively.
"No, your home," Zuko clarified.
"I can't, my parents – "
"I won't be staying."
Ming stared at Zuko in disbelief as he pulled out of the parking spot and sped onto the road, thoughts racing a mile a minute. Zuko couldn't stop thinking about the girl he saw in the convenience store, the man she was with, or how the mere sight of Zuko had made her need to vomit. He almost reconsidered his decision to take Ming home, but then he closed his eyes and saw the flash of pain in Katara's face and decided he needed a date with a bottle of firewhiskey instead.
All I wanted was you.
Katara sat on the floor of the gas station bathroom, dry-heaving into the toilet. After not having eaten since 7PM the night before, Katara's stomach had no contents to expel, and Katara was forced to deal with the pain of heaving up an empty stomach as tears streamed down her face.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, she thought to herself. Of course, of all the gas stations in all the world he just had to walk into this one during the five minutes she was in town. Ten miles before or after this town and Katara wouldn't have had to have seen him…and promptly get violently ill as the pain from that night came flooding back. Their break-up argument had been particularly bad, and Katara had thrown up every day for three weeks after. Sokka had gotten dangerously close to forcefully admitting her to the psychiatric unit of the nearby hospital thinking she was becoming bulimic.
As Katara struggled with getting up from the floor, there was a knock on the door. A chill ran down Katara's spine. It couldn't be. He wouldn't check on her. Not after that night.
"Katara? Are you okay?"
Jet.
Katara ignored the tiny sliver of disappointment that ran through her and got up to clean herself off.
"Yeah, I'll be out in a second. That juice must have been expired."
"Yeah, must have…" but Jet had a strong suspicion it wasn't.
All I wanted was you.
Zuko laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, an almost empty bottle of fire-whiskey in his hand. Damn, he knew she was mad at him, hurt even, but disgusted to the point she'd throw up at the sight of him? That was new. It must really be over, then, for the mere sight of him to engage her gag reflex like that. Zuko turned over onto his side and took another swig of the fire-whiskey. Fine, it's not like he wanted her anyway. It's not like his very blood called out for her or anything. Zuko was feeling nauseated, but he suspected that was the fire-whiskey.
I could follow you to the beginning.
Katara sat in the front seat next to Sokka. After she got sick in the bathroom, Jet had insisted Katara take the front seat. Toph was nice enough about it, seeing Katara's paled face she switched to the backseat and was sandwiched between Jet and Aang while Katara had leg room in the front. Sokka had opened her window slightly, so she could have fresh air on her face. Katara leaned her head against the window, slowly chanting to herself not to think about it. Not to think about him. Not to think about the first time they met, when she overheard that he was going to try and "hook" two of his friends up. She had marched up to him and told him they he needed to stay out of things that didn't involve him, and that included the romantic relationships of friends. He just smirked at her and pointed out that she was doing the thing she was telling him not to do. She just glared at him and turned away, but he grabbed her hand and encouraged her to stay. Several months later she found out that no one ever spoke to him like that, they were all too scared he'd whip their ass if they tried. Over the next several years, Katara had gotten away with a lot of other things no one else even attempted around Zuko, always with a knowing smirk. Zuko would glare at her and act angry while in public, but they both knew it was for show. For whatever reason, Katara did what she wanted, and Zuko always accepted it.
Just to relive the start.
Zuko threw his head against his headboard and chased down the pain with another swig of the newly opened bottle of Jack Daniels. He groaned as he closed his eyes and saw the graceful figure of a 15 year-old Katara marching up to him in the orchestra room of their high school, her mouth in a straight line and her eyes narrowed.
"Oh no you don't," she practically seethed. "You will not interfere with your friends relationships that way. If they want to be together, they will be. Don't you dare go around sticking yourself in business that does not apply to you, even the love lives of your friends."
Zuko just looked at her in shock. It had been a very long time since anyone had challenged him that way and walked away unscathed. Zuko didn't allow anyone to talk to him that way, not even his friends. And here was this girl, who looked at least three years younger than he, practically raging over something she knew nothing about at a guy she'd never met. Zuko expected the anger to arrive any second now, he would rail into her, but it never came. So he smirked and pointed out that she was sticking her nose in other people's business while simultaneously telling him to keep his own nose out.
And then the blue-eyed phenomenon just glared at him and turned away. And for the first time in Zuko's 18 years of life, he finally had a mental picture to match the phrase, "turned away with a huff." He caught her hand, even now he wasn't sure why, and told her she may as well stay now that she'd too gotten involved. She'd stared him down for several minutes and then nodded slightly, before looking down at their still joined hands. But she didn't pull hers away.
For the rest of their time together, Katara had managed to get away with all kinds of things. Grabbing food off his plate, climbing onto his bed and stealing his covers, taking the last oreo from the cookie jar and pretending she'd had nothing to do with it. It's not that Zuko let her get away with all of those things, he always waited for the anger, or maybe even frustration, but none of it ever came. Whatever Katara did was a part of her, and he loved all the parts of her, even the part that would steal his cigarettes and flush them.
Maybe then we'd remember to slow down.
"Katara, will you marry me?"
Katara looked at Zuko, on his knee in front of her, her calculus classroom behind him. She had texted him that she was bored and he should come pick her up and let her skip the rest of her school-day with him. She expected a no, Graduate Zuko was responsible and made sure Katara would get to school on time, that she was doing her homework properly, and that she turned her cellphone off at her curfew time, so when Zuko had texted her telling her to ask for a quick bathroom break, Katara was shocked but obliged. Now she was outside her classroom, watching her boyfriend of three years kneeling as he held up a ring asking her the most important question of her life. Her mind was racing. She wanted more than anything to marry him, she loved him, she'd given him everything she had, and he had given her everything he had, but she was a high school senior. They had the rest of their lives to get married. And was he really proposing to her in the middle of her high school during her math class? But Zuko looked adorable and dorky and sweet and so, Zuko. And that's when Katara knew her answer.
"Yes. Yes, of course!"
Zuko swept her up into his arms and pressed his lips to her hair. Katara was vaguely aware of sounds of applause coming from her closed classroom – the idiot must have told them all – but Katara didn't care. She was trying to figure out which emotion was strongest right now, the happiness of being engaged to her love, or the dread of rushing things too soon.
At all of our favorite parts.
Zuko watched Katara as she perched by the creek, her hands dipping into the water as she attempted to catch one of the small silver fish. She had swept her long hair over her shoulder to avoid it falling into the creek. As he watched her, his chest expanded with love and pride, and Zuko didn't really understand why. They had been dating for only three months, and somehow she had him standing outside in the chilly autumn weather watching her while she stuck her hands in the icy creek water. Katara loved the cold, he knew she wasn't uncomfortable out here, but he sure was. Zuko craved warmth, maybe a nice fire and hot tea, but no, he was out here in the cold at his girlfriend's request. He still didn't understand why he never got angry with her, or how she always managed to get her way. And he really didn't understand how after only a year of knowing her and three months of dating her – actual dating anyway, their actions had resembled a couple for about 10 of those 12 months – he had fallen in love with her. He didn't understand why the mere sight of her robbed him of his breath, or how her smile disarmed him, or how all of the willpower and self-control he had belonged to the little 5'3" blue-eyed, brown-skinned girl. Zuko craved power; he sought it all the time. Every interaction he had, he had to be the dominant one. He'd had girlfriends before, and they all knew the score, what he said went, and anytime they tried to tell him what to do they found themselves single faster than they could say sorry. But Katara, Katara walked into his life and his whole worldview shifted. His number one priority shifted from being the top dog to making sure she had everything she ever wanted. Not that Zuko didn't get what he wanted; he wasn't some lovesick sap that did every one of her biddings. Katara was very giving in their relationship. While she managed to take his food right off of his plate, she also managed to weasel her way onto his lap while she ate, something he knew she wasn't a big fan of, but loved doing because he loved it. And while he absolutely hated climbing into her bedroom window in the dead of night, Katara would curl her legs around his waist in a way that fulfilled every fantasy he'd ever had – sexual and non. No, Zuko wasn't in a one-sided relationship, and it was the first relationship of his to be so. He'd always reaped all the pleasure while giving nothing in return, but for Katara, he wanted to please her for the rest of their lives, because by pleasing her, he was pleasing himself.
As if sensing his eyes on her, Katara looked up and grinned at him, having finally caught a silver fish. She pulled out a jar and placed the fish and some water inside it. Closing it, she stood up and walked toward him.
"So, pray tell, why are we out here in this insanely cold weather so you could catch a measly fish?"
"It's for Azula's birthday. She's been wanting a cat, but your mom said she has to show she can take care of a smaller living creature before she gets to have one. I thought she'd might like this. It's pretty and easy to take care of. She can raise it, and maybe next year we can get her a kitten."
Zuko looked at Katara's face, full of love for his younger sister, and hope that he'd agree with her gift choice. He looked at Katara's face, pink from the chill, bright from the love and hope, and radiant from her own personal beauty.
And then Zuko realized. The reason why he wanted her to have everything she ever wanted was because she spent so much time and consideration trying to get everyone else whatever they wanted. And if she could do that, then his selfish ass could do that for her.
Zuko pulled Katara into his arms and kissed her soundly on the mouth, careful not to knock over her fish in a jar.
"She'll love it. Just like I love you."
Yes, Zuko thought. Katara's face the first time he told her he loved her was definitely one of his favorite moments with her.
All I wanted was you.
"I'm not saying I don't want to marry you. I'm just asking why we can't wait a year. One year? I graduate in a year. We can get married before I go to graduate school. You can come with me. Nothing will change. We won't change. We're just waiting one year."
"No. I'm tired of waiting. We got engaged when you were a senior in high school. I wanted to get married after you graduated high school. But you wanted to wait until you started college. You didn't want to be the only married freshman there. I understood that. Then I wanted to marry you the December of your second year, but you said you were still trying to juggle school and life, and planning a wedding wasn't ideal. So we waited. Then I wanted to marry you the summer between your sophomore and junior year, but you just had to go on that mission trip with those church people. Now, I'm trying to marry you and you want to wait because it'd be easier to get married after you've graduated? All I'm hearing at this point is that you don't want to marry me."
"Of course I want to marry you! But, I'm 22, Zuko! I'm too young for this. I'm still trying to figure out my career and you want me to plan a wedding? We have our whole lives ahead of us. Can't we, just for one more year, wait? Let me graduate, okay? Let me graduate and then you and I will get married in your parents' church, and I'll wear my mum's dress, and we'll have fire lilies and we'll dance in the moonlight until the sun comes up. It will be everything we've ever wanted and more. Just one year. Please."
As Zuko looked into her eyes, shining with tears, he wanted to give her that year – hell, he'd give her the rest of their lives and marry her on his deathbed if that's what she wanted – but he wanted to marry her now, today. And for the first time in their relationship, Zuko's selfishness reared its ugly head, and he spoke the words that he's regretted ever since.
"If you don't marry me this year, you're not marrying me at all."
Katara looked as though he had slapped her. "Zuko…I don't understand. What's one more year? Just so I can get settled into graduate school? Just so I can be accepted somewhere. I have all this uncertainty dealing with my future and I need to figure it all out. Why can't you understand that?"
"How does marrying me hinder that? I can take care of your future. You know that. Being my wife, you'll never have to worry about anything ever again. I will take care of you."
"I don't want to be 'taken care of,' I want to be equal with you. I want to bring my own career to the table. Why is it so hard to understand that I want to do this on my own?"
"Then do it on your own. Without me."
"Zuko!"
"You made your choice, Katara. You don't want to marry me now. I don't want to marry you in a year. I'm done waiting."
"You've always pushed me to succeed. You've always supported my decisions to work hard and dream big. And now?"
"You've never been this selfish before."
"Selfish? Me? I'm selfish? You really…you think…I'm selfish?"
Zuko noticed the first tear fall from her left eye. It was like a dagger to his heart to know he had caused it, to know he would cause even more. But he was hurt, and he wasn't going down alone.
"Yeah. You've always been selfish in our relationship. Getting whatever you wanted whenever you wanted. Half my friends dropped me cuz they thought I was whipped. But you were always so damn good in bed that I didn't even care. But I'm over it now, Katara, I'm done with this, with all of this, with you. This is the last straw. I'm done catering to a whiny, selfish, self-righteous, entitled little princess that thinks her career should come before the people that love her."
Katara blanched, and Zuko knew she would break down any second. Instead she drew herself to her full five-foot-three-inches with the grace of a queen and stared him square in the eye.
"Go to hell."
And then she turned on her heel and walked away.
Zuko never even saw her throw up once she'd gotten to her car.
All I wanted was you.
Katara was freaking out as she guided her car down the freeway towards Zuko's town. Why was she doing this? What was she thinking?
Zuko.
Katara bit her lip and pushed the accelerator. Ever since Sokka had dropped her off at her apartment three days ago, she hadn't been able to focus on anything. One name kept reverberating in her head.
Zuko.
It kept time with the beat of her heart.
Zuko. Zuko.
It came to her in dreams and in nightmares.
Zuko, Zuko, Zuko, Zuko.
She heard it in the rhythms of the songs she blared on her radio, trying to drown out her thoughts. She felt it in the wind patterns, heard the trees sigh it as their leaves rustled; she even saw his face on Sokka's head while they were celebrating a successful conference.
Zuko.
It made her whole body come alive; it made her soul dance, and her heart throb. It caused her to make stupid decisions like skipping her classes to jump in her car and drive the 45 minutes to see him, even though she knew he'd probably just slam the door in her face.
All I wanted was you.
Zuko woke up to a banging on his door. What. The Actual. Hell?
Opening the door, Zuko recoiled in shock. There standing on his porch was a phenomenon he'd never thought he'd see at his door again.
"Katara?"
And the blue-eyed beauty pushed past him into his house. Numbly he pressed the door closed behind her.
All I wanted was you.
"I'm not here because I want to get back together."
"Okay."
"I'm not here because I miss you. Or love you."
"Okay."
"I'm not here because I want you."
"Okay."
"Aren't you going to ask why I am here?"
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't care why you're here."
"I see."
"I only care about one thing."
"And that is?"
And then Zuko was kissing her. He wasn't sure when he'd gotten close enough to her that he could kiss her. He never consciously moved towards her. But that was how she worked. She pulled you into her depths with her siren song than drowned you while she smiled at you with those perfect blue eyes. And dammit if he wasn't going to drown himself in her over and over again.
All I wanted was you.
Hours later, she lay curled up in his arms on his bed, exactly where she should have always been. He stroked her hair unconsciously with his finger while he listened to her quiet breathing.
"Katara?"
"Hmm?"
"Why are you here?"
"I got into graduate school."
Zuko frowned. That wasn't what he'd been expecting. "Oh? That's great. Congratulations."
"It didn't make me happy."
"Why?"
"It's not what I wanted."
"It wasn't?"
"No."
"Then what did you want?"
"All I wanted was you."