CHAPTER ELEVEN– TOBIAS 16, TRIS 14
TRIS POV
Tobias had his aptitude test today. I am walking home with Caleb neither of us have said anything. I think we are both nervous about what will happen tomorrow.
"What do you think he will do?" I ask Caleb.
"I don't know but I will kinda be upset if he doesn't pick Dauntless," he says.
"What? Why?" I ask. Shocked that he would say such a thing.
"Well I have been training you both to be Dauntless, so if he doesn't pick Dauntless then I would feel it was all for nothing," he says.
"Does that mean you expect me to pick Dauntless in two years' time?"
"I hadn't really thought about it that way. But do you really think you would be happy in Abnegation? Especially after what we have seen our wonderful leader to be capable of."
"True. I will just miss him so much if he goes," I say.
"Me too," Caleb says.
I walk into Tobias's room and he is lying on his bed. I go over and sit on the end of his bed and start playing with his hair. I don't know when I started doing this but I used to do it as a comfort thing for Tobias after he had a nightmare but today I think it is more for me.
"What are you thinking Tris?" he asks me.
"Have you made a decision Tobias?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says.
"Are you going to tell me what it is?" I ask.
"I think you know what it is," he says.
"I'm going to miss you," I say. I know where he is going, he doesn't have to tell me.
"I'm going to miss you too," he says. "But it's only two years Tris."
"How do you know that I will follow?"
"Because you won't be doing it for me, you will be doing it for yourself. You have always said that you don't fit in here," he says.
"What do you think it will be like?" I ask.
"I don't know. Probably a lot like our training session with Caleb just not as fun," he says.
"Do you think Caleb would come with us? He is pretty good at the whole self-defence thingy."
"I wouldn't like to guess when it comes to Caleb. He loves to read but he seems so selfless, it comes so naturally to him compared to you or I," he says.
"I wish we could stay like we are right now forever," I say.
"You don't really mean that. You would get bored being fourteen forever. Plus, you would have to keep going to school, keep volunteering, keep pretending your someone you're not," he says.
"True but I didn't really mean it like that," I say.
"I know," he says.
Dinner is very quiet tonight. I don't think that any of us know exactly what to say. We all know that Tobias will be leaving tomorrow and I think we are all trying not to show how much we are going to miss him. We don't want him to change his mind for us. We understand that he needs to leave, but it is really hard to let him go.
"Dad and I will clean up tonight. I think you three should go upstairs and have some time together," mum says.
"Thank you," Tobias says.
We get up from the table and make our way upstairs. Tobias and Caleb walk into Tobias's room.
"Are you coming Beatrice?" Caleb asks.
"I'm going to have my shower first, then I'll be there," I say.
I walk into my room and grab the clothes I will need and then walk towards the bathroom. I go to walk into the bathroom when I hear Caleb ask Tobias, "Are you sure you want to go?"
I know I shouldn't listen but I can't help myself. "I need to Caleb. I will never be happy here."
"Not even for Beatrice?"
"What?" Tobias asks. What? What does Caleb mean by that?
"It's pretty obvious you have feelings for her. You wouldn't stay for her?" Caleb asks him.
What is Caleb talking about? What feelings?
"Do you really think she is going to stay here when she chooses?"
"I think she would if you were here," Caleb says. Really? I have never thought about it before. I never thought that someone like Tobias could ever have feelings for me.
"She deserves better than me Caleb. She deserves someone who isn't going to wake her in the middle of the night with nightmares. Someone who isn't as broken as I am," Tobias says.
I walk into the bathroom I don't want to hear the rest of that conversation. How can Tobias think that way about himself? He isn't broken. He is so strong. Do I want him to stay for me? Would I stay here for him? Would I? Could I? I think I would. But the real question is, do either of us really belong here? Do I have feelings for Tobias? I know I love him in a different way than the way I love Caleb. But is it the same type of feelings that he is having for me?
I walk into Tobias's room to find Caleb and Tobias laughing as they are rolling around on the floor play fighting. It is funny to watch, Caleb is always so serious and to see him having fun like this is nice. But it is also sad at the same time. I can't imagine that he will be like this once Tobias is gone. It is a moment that I want to burn into my memory. If Tobias hadn't come to stay so much would have been different in our house. And I can't even imagine what Tobias's life would have been like, the thought makes me shudder.
The boys see me and stop what they are doing. They are both breathing heavily but they still have smiles on their faces. "Why are you looking so serious for Tris?" Tobias asks.
"I'm just trying to burn this memory into my brain forever," I say.
"Fair enough," says Caleb. "I think I might go and have my shower now."
"Good idea, I didn't want to tell you how much you stunk," says Tobias laughing.
"Do you mean my fighting skills or my body odour?" Caleb says laughing along with Tobias.
"Well . . .. Do you really want me to answer that?" Tobias asks him.
"Not really," Caleb says as he walks out of the room laughing.
"Well you definitely don't stink," Tobias says to me with a smile on his face.
"I would be worried if I did. I would have to try and have Abnegation change the soap they use. And I don't think that would be as easy as it sounds," I say with a smile on my face.
"I think you might be right about that. Could you imagine Marcus's face if you asked him to do that," he says. We both laugh at this.
I go and sit next to Tobias on the floor. I don't know what to say, I feel like I will start to cry if I say anything and I don't want Tobias's last memories of me to be of me in tears.
"It's only two years Tris," he says. I know he is right and I know it will go quicker than I am thinking it will. But . . ..
"I know," I say.
"If you ask me I'll stay," he says. His voice is hardly a whisper but I hear him clearly.
I start to shake my head no. "You know I could never do that," I say. I can see the disappointment on his face. How do I fix this? How do I let him know that I care, more than I probably should?
"Tris," he says. I look him in his eyes and I know I need to explain why. I also know that I have tears in my eyes ready to burst out.
"Tobias if you stay you will end up hating me," I say.
"I could never hate you Tris, ever," he says.
"You were right it's only two years," I say as a single tear falls from my eye. Tobias reaches over and wipes the tear from my cheek. "I'd stay for you," he says with a small smile.
"You can't Tobias, I won't let you," I say. "It doesn't mean I don't care for you; you have no idea how hard this is for me."
"You saved my life that day Tris," he says. He doesn't have to tell me what day he is talking about; we both know which day it was. "You changed my life forever. I can never thank you enough for that."
"You changed all our lives that day Tobias. We would never have had the life we have if it wasn't for what had happened to you," I say.
"I don't want you to come and see me on visiting day," he says.
"Why? Will you be too busy with all those Dauntless girls Tobias?" I know what I have said isn't very nice but it hurts that he doesn't want me to visit.
"Ahhh how can you think something like that. I just don't want people to see just how weak I am. If you come to visit I will just want to come back home with you and . . .."
I know that I have a few tears falling now. Every time one falls Tobias wipes it away. "Please don't cry Tris."
"I can't help it. I am going to miss you so much. I know we always talked about transferring but it always seemed so far away and now it's here and I know my life is going to feel so empty without you here. But it will be a happy day as well. Now you won't have to worry about seeing Marcus all the time."
"That will be a bonus. You know I'm going to miss you just as much as you are going to miss me, don't you?"
I just nod my head.
"Tris I'm going to go and have my shower. Will you stay here with me tonight?"
I nod my head and I watch as Tobias gets up and leaves for his shower.
I get up and I walk over and hop into Tobias's bed. I wish I could just cry myself to sleep but I can't I need to be strong for Tobias. No matter what he needs to leave Abnegation, he needs to be as far from Marcus as possible. Marcus will never leave him alone if he does stay.
It isn't long before Tobias has come back into his room and he climbs over me and hops into bed.
"Well you smell better," I say with a small laugh.
"I thought Caleb was the stinky one not me," he says back laughing.
"I think you were about equal in the stinky department," I say.
"Well I'm glad I had that shower then," he says.
"Me too," I say with a smile on my face. I love when we can joke like this.
"Do you think I could change my name when I get to Dauntless?" Tobias asks.
I turn around so I am facing him. Even though it is dark in the room I can see him. "You don't like your name?"
"I just don't want to be associated with Marcus ever again," he says.
"Well you could always change your last name to Prior I suppose," I say.
"I couldn't do that Tris."
"Why not?" I ask.
"Because then people will think you are my sister and I don't want them to think that," he says.
"Have I really been that bad to live with Tobias?"
"I don't mean it like that Tris," he says. "I mean I want them to think of us differently than that."
I know my heart rate is starting to beat faster, I think I know what he is trying to tell me here but I can't be sure. "How do you mean differently Tobias?"
"I think you know what I am talking about Tris," he says. I think I know too but I don't dare say anything in case I am wrong.
I can't lift my head to face him, I'm too afraid that I am reading this situation wrong. Tobias reaches his hand out and brushes his thumb against my cheek and it sends a shiver down my spine. If we were in any other house in Abnegation Tobias wouldn't dare touch me like this, hell, we wouldn't even be in this bed together.
Should I be in here with him? Should I make an excuse and leave? Now I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head and I don't know what to do.
"Tris," Tobias whispers. "Stop over thinking."
"How do you know that's what I'm doing?" I say, finally looking at him.
"Because it is what you do. You are worried that because we are in Abnegation that we shouldn't be in this position in the first place. Now you are trying to find a reason to leave. Tris you don't need to worry. I would never do anything inappropriate here," he says.
"Sometimes I wish you would," I say softly. I know my cheeks are burning red and I am thankful it is dark enough that he can't see them.
"Me too," he says.
Then he leans over kisses me on my forehead. We just stay in this position for minutes before he finally says anything.
"Turn over Tris so we can go to sleep, I think I am going to need to be well rest for tomorrow," he says.
While I am feeling disappointed that he didn't kiss me on my lips there is part of me that is screaming you aren't ready for that yet. I know that little voice that is screaming is right, I just hope that someday I will be ready and it will be Tobias that is waiting for me. I can hear his breathing start to even out and as I start to fall asleep to the sound of his breathing I pray that he can get a full night sleep without any nightmares.
And it just so happens that for once my prayers are answered and Tobias got his peaceful sleep. I hope that being away from Abnegation will help and that he has many more nights of peaceful sleeps.