REWRITTEN 2/11/16

Enia: Soooo, this is not Onyx's chapter. Obviously. She's taking a long time. And I'm annoyed at her. She's had, like, three weeks. So I wrote this little EZHF short story. Mainly because I'm bored. Yes, I know it's random, probably not particularly good, and I do realize that I broke the fourth wall, like, three times. Please don't flame me or hate me or something. Like I said, I was really, really bored.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruit Ninja, bacon, or Beggin' Strips. Onyx owns Riskapoop.

Onyx and Riskapoop

An EZHF Short

Onyx loved competitions, mostly because she loved proving to people that she was better than them. Her winning record was practically spotless. Her few losses almost always turned to victories, because her opponents would cede the title to her after she angrily kicked them in the shin. The competition Enia had suggested had all the hallmarks of a perfect game. It had multiple teams, one prize, and a life or death situation. Teemo, Arin, and Zeus didn't stand a chance! Onyx's team was so totally going to own them!

Bwahahahahaha! Ack! Hack cough! Augh! Fly!

Onyx glanced around briefly to make sure no one had seen that.

They would need a master, unbeatable plan, and Onyx thought she had the perfect idea that would guarantee victory. "Keep going!" she yelled to Minka as they ran around the chain link fence circling the football field. "I have a plan! They won't be able to beat us!"

"What are you going to do?" Minka asked, her dark hair flying out behind her as she turned to look at Onyx.

"Go find a friend," Onyx answered mysteriously.

She turned away from her teammate and started running faster, shifting to her super badass horse form midstride. Her hooves kicked up huge clumps of snow and earth. Within seconds, she was cantering into Creekside Park, home of the Portal, leaving an imaginary trail of destruction in her wake. She skidded to a halt beside the creek and stared down at the frozen water, wondering how the hell she was going to open the Portal. That was Enia's area of expertise, not hers.

Onyx swung her legs around, murmuring a jazz beat under her breath and hoping that she was performing a Portal dance. Suddenly, the water around her began to swirl and glow, and, due to a miraculous bout of authorial laziness, a deep, black hole opened in the center of the creek, sucking Onyx down into its bottomless depths.

Well, that's convenient, she thought as the magic of the Portal dissembled her molecules. An instant later, she found herself cantering out of a giant, grey boulder onto a grassy field. Gentle hills rolled in every direction, the shining green grass billowing in the wind.

Onyx glanced around, searching for clues. She spotted a magnificent castle sitting on the tallest hill in the distance. The bright, noon sun shone through its rainbow-colored, crystalline walls and painted the land around it with dancing beams of light. Towering spires rose towards the sun, twisting around themselves like massive curly-cues. Dark shapes flitted around behind the translucent walls and dotted the land outside.

Onyx grinned to herself and began to canter up the slope, her long legs eating up the distance eagerly. Her hooves left huge grooves in the soft earth, the dirt and grass spraying up behind her. The castle grew in size the closer she got, cresting hill after hill until she was panting up the final, steep slope. The ground leveled out, and Onyx found herself only about fifty feet from the building.

The colored lights flashed across her eyes, and she squinted as she skidded to a halt. "Damn, that's a big building," she breathed, craning her neck to stare up at it. She tossed her man once and trotted forward, intent on barging through the doors and demanding to see the Queen. Before she got more than halfway across the field, though, a black-clad appeared in her path, calling for her to halt. "State your name and business!"

"My name is Onyx Aurora!" she yelled, striking a dramatic pose, her legs straight and her head high in the air, puffing out her massive chest. "I demand to see Rodriguez!"

The ninja regarded her suspiciously, his rainbow-colored eyes narrowed behind his black mask. The disguise covered his entire face and clung tightly to the rest of his body. Two knives hung from his belt, and the hilt of a katana poked up from over his shoulder. "The Queen of the Unicorns and Father of the Ninjas doesn't see just anyone," he told her haughtily.

Onyx reared up indignantly, landing on the ground with a mighty grass, her hooves digging deeply into the ground. "I am not just anyone! I'm Onyx Aurora, ambassador for the Seven!" Onyx rarely invoked her status, mostly because there wasn't any need to in the Human Realm. She was a member of a powerful group tasked with protecting the Universe – though admittedly, they only knew who four of the members were. No one had actually elected her ambassador, but the ninja didn't need to know that.

His eyes widened with surprise. "Of course, my apologies. If you would follow me…" He turned on his heel and hurried towards the castle's massive doors.

Onyx shook her mane again and followed him, clopping almost daintily through the grass.

The front doors towered over her, carved from a glittering green crystal. Stone vines crawled up the sides, and the door knockers were a pair of snarling unicorn heads with rings in their mouths. The ninja placed his hands on each door and shoved, his muscles straining through the black cloth. They swung open silently, the outrush of air hissing past Onyx's face.

The ninja led the horse through a series of twisting, shimmering hallways. Onyx did her best not to look down. Peering through the clear floor and seeing the room beneath made her head swim. Luckily, plush red carpets covered the crystal most of the time, cleaning the mud from her hooves with each step.

Humongous weavings, decorated with shivering gold thread and rotating colors, hung from the walls, telling the story of the castle's past. One showed a majestic, rainbow-colored horse with a spiraling horn on its forehead, wings sprouting from its back. It was rearing up on its hind legs and pawing at the air, a cape billowing about its body. Onyx knew that the regal creature could only be Riskapoop, the Rainbow Sparkle Glitter Unicorn Pegasus Pony named Rodriguez who ate rocks and shat zombies and who was the Queen of the Unicorns and the Father of the Ninjas.

The unicorn appeared on the next tapestry as well, standing on a platform high above a crowd of black-clad figures. The rest of the tapestries depicted scenes of war and battle. Each one was amazingly detailed and incredibly gory. Heads flew through the air in every direction. Every character was coated in blood, and a million swords flashed.

They stopped before a set of heavy wooden doors. Another picture of Riskapoop was etched into their faces. The ninja pushed the doors open, and Onyx's face dropped into a pout. She had wanted to kick them down. Onyx strode past the ninja and into the room, her head held high, her steps precise and proud. Riskapoop sat on his rainbow, glass chair, playing with a sock monkey. He looked up and frowned when he heard Onyx enter, then he went back to his play.

A sudden thought popped into Onyx's head. It was random and completely unrelated and probably just the authoress's curiosity inserting itself into the story. She turned back to the ninja guarding the door. "Hey, are any of you guys Fruit Ninjas?"

The ninja jumped at the name, his eyes widening in amazement. "Wh-where did you hear that name? It's supposed to be highly classified!"

Onyx rolled her eyes. "Obviously not so classified. Where I come from, we have a whole app based off them."

"An app?" the ninja asked curiously.

"It's like a video game," Onyx explained.

"A video game?"

"Never mind."

The ninja shrugged and slunk away, disappearing in an instant and leaving Onyx alone with the Queen of the Unicorns and the Father of the Ninjas. The unicorn finally put his toys aside and looked at Onyx as she loudly crossed the glass floor. "Well? What do you want?"

Onyx squared her shoulders, coming to a halt before the throne. "I need your help, majestic Riskapoop! A rescue mission of sorts! In the Human Realm! I must win the competition, and you are a sure ticket to victory! Will you give me your aid?"

"Why should I?" Riskapoop asked skeptically.

Onyx didn't even bother with the whole 'be a hero' crap. "Because I will give you bacon!"

Riskapoop considered the proposal, tapping at the armrest with one hoof. "Okay," he said finally. "But none of those gross Beggin' Strips. Godfrey says those are disgusting."

"Who's Godfrey?" Onyx asked, cocking her head to the side.

"My alien dog who can turn green and invisible…at the same time!"

Onyx's eyes bugged out, and she almost collapsed. "Whoa!"

"Do we have a deal?"

Onyx nodded gravely. The two of them raced from the castle in a blur of movement. Riskapoop flew grandly on his three foot wings, and Onyx ran along beside him on her four hooves. They made it to the Portal in record time – mainly due to another bout of authorial laziness. Riskapoop used his mystical unicorn powers to open up the swirling vortex, and then they both jumped through. Onyx led the way back to the high school, confident that she was about to kick her competitions' asses.

She skidded to a halt in the slushy mud and struck a heroic pose, calling out to her fellows that she was there to save the day!

But they just started laughing at her, claiming that she'd missed the whole thing! Onyx couldn't believe that shit! She'd done all that work for nothing! She wanted to bash some heads in. Particularly Enia's since she had started the stupid competition in the first place. Teemo's two because he was her main competition.

But worst was the embarrassment. She'd dragged Riskapoop half way across the Universe for nothing. But the Unicorn didn't seem terribly put out by it. He flew away nonchalantly, shitting a zombie for them as his form of a present.

Curses, foiled again.

Enia: I told you it'd be weird, but I hoped you liked it anyways. Please don't flame me for breaking the fourth wall, sometimes I just can't resist. Let me know what you think. There'll be more of these coming. The next is the scene where Teemo and Zeus blow up the kitchen.