CHAPTER FOURTEEN
TOBIAS POV
When I reach the Dauntless section of the Choosing Ceremony I take the seat offered to me by the Dauntless man sitting in the front row. Usually I would have said 'no thank you' and just stood but in this moment I feel the need to sit. As I sit down I take a moment to breathe large gulps of air. I am finally free.
I don't think I ever imagined that this day would come. Yes I had been given a wonderful opportunity to live with the Prior's but I don't think they could have ever understood the feelings I felt having to see Marcus all the time. Just because the abuse was taken away there is so much more to it than just stopping the abuser. And Marcus seemed to take great pride in being able to torment me with his presence.
It is amazing just how far a person will go to constantly try to show dominance over another. I don't think it was until the moment that I cut my hand that I realised just how far the abuse Marcus inflicted on me went. I will always be grateful for what the Prior's have given me, what they have shown me but it has taken leaving my faction to finally feel that I may have a chance to heal. Although I don't think I will ever be whole again, I even wonder if I was ever whole. Why else would Marcus do the things he did if I had been? Why did Evelyn abandon me if I was?
Right now isn't a time for reflection or self-pity as I can see the Dauntless are now rising and making their way to the door. For now, I need to concentrate on getting through initiation, there will be time later to look at what has happened and to see if I can find myself a place within this faction they call Dauntless. Right now I need to get up and start to run so I am not left behind. I don't think I could stand having to see Evelyn tonight because I am factionless already and I wouldn't want to have to have Tris hand me food or clothing in the coming days because I couldn't keep up. That would be much harder to cope with than what Marcus has ever put me through.
I am standing on the train platform with the many Dauntless when I hear a familiar voice. "You're not a bad runner," Tori the woman who administered my aptitude test says. "At least for an Abnegation kid."
"Thanks," I say.
"You know what's going to happen next, right?" She turns and points at a light in the distance, fixed to the front of an oncoming train. "It's not going to stop. It's just going to slow down a little. And if you don't make it on that's it for you. Factionless. It's that easy to get kicked out."
I just nod. The thought of being factionless is a great motivator for me to make it onto this train. I will not become factionless; I don't care what I have to do. I will succeed.
Tori grins at me. "You're going to do just fine here, aren't you?"
"What makes you say that?"
She shrugs. "You strike me as someone who's ready to fight, that's all."
I don't think she realises just how correct her statement is, but she will. I have a lot to prove, not just for myself but for everyone who doesn't believe an Abnegation transfer can belong in Dauntless.
I follow Tori as she runs, copying her movements as she prepares to jump onto the train. I yank myself onto the train but wasn't prepared for the turning of the train and I stumble and smack my face against the wall.
"Smooth," one of the Dauntless comments.
"Finesse is for Erudite show-offs," Tori says. "He made it on the train, Amar, that's what counts."
"He's supposed to be in the other car, though. With the other initiates," Amar says. "If he's friends with you, I guess it's okay. What's your name, Stiff?"
"You can call me 'Stiff' for all I care," I say. I hate that the other factions call anyone from Abnegation 'Stiff' but at the moment 'stiff' is a much better option than letting people know that I am the son of Marcus Eaton. This is a new start and for that I don't ever want to have to be associated with my 'father', ever again.
Tori looks at me strangely and I am afraid that she will tell Amar my name but instead she gives me a small nod of understanding. Although I'm sure she has no idea why I don't want to say my name I am grateful that she respects my decision not to mention it.
I sit crouched against the wall of the train with my head in my hands. Trying to block out the world around me. I have no idea what to expect as we make our way towards the Dauntless compound.
Too soon I am taken from my own thoughts when Amar nudges my foot. I look up and he says, "Get up, Stiff. It's almost time to jump."
"Jump?" How can I be surprised at this, of course we will have to jump.
"Yeah," he smirks. "This train stops for no one."
Tori stands right behind me and pushes me toward the doorway. What the hell is she doing?
"Let the initiate off first!" she shouts.
"What are you doing?" I hiss.
"I'm doing you a favour!" she tells me as she shoves me toward the opening.
The other Dauntless step aside and I can feel them all staring. They have grins on their faces like they know some big secret that I don't. I don't like the feeling at all but I also can understand now why she said she was doing me a favour. To jump off the train first will help me to have some credibility among these people.
I look ahead and I see where I am supposed to jump. I see the Dauntless ahead jumping and I can't believe that I need to jump from a moving train several stories above the ground onto a rooftop. I hope I am not the person who is going to miss the ledge and fall to my death.
I take a running leap and jump, the impact shudders through me and I fall forward onto my hands and knees. The gravel from the roof digs into my palms and I wonder whose idea it was to put gravel on the roof.
I brush myself off and ignore the comment from a Dauntless next to me, "I was hoping we would get to scrape some Stiff pancake off the pavement later."
Living in Abnegation you get used to the constant comments made from the other factions. I would hope the fact that I chose Dauntless would curb the constant comments but it looks like I was wrong. It just makes me want to prove myself even more.
"Welcome to Dauntless!" Amar shouts as he steps up onto the ledge of the roof. "Where you either face your fears and try not to die in the process, or you leave a coward. We've got a record low of faction transfers this year, unsurprisingly."
The Dauntless around Amar punch the air and whoop, hearing the fact that no one wants to join them as a banner of pride.
"The only way to get into the Dauntless compound from this rooftop is to jump of this ledge," Amar says, opening his arms wide to indicate the empty space around him. He tilts back on his heels and waves his arms around, like he's about to fall, then catches himself and grins.
The motion makes me feel sick and reminds me of when Marcus used to hang me over the railing of our stair case. The panic I would feel that he would drop me is exactly the same feeling I am having now.
"As usual, I offer the opportunity to go first to our initiates, Dauntless-born or not."
One of the Dauntless steps up, a dark-skinned boy who beckons cheers from his friends with his hands.
"Go Zeke!" one of the girl's shouts.
Zeke hops onto the ledge but misjudges the jump and tips forward right away, losing his balance. He yells something unintelligible and disappears. His Dauntless friends burst into laughter. I don't think that was the dramatic, heroic moment he had in mind.
I watch as the line slowly gets shorter and I know that it will be my turn soon. I just jumped off a moving train onto the top of a building. How hard could this be? It feels like the hardest thing in the world at this moment. I almost wish I was Zeke with his ridiculous jump, at least then I would have already jumped. I take deep breaths hoping that it will help to calm me.
I see that all the other initiates have jumped and I am the last to jump. I can see the members are moving in closer excited that they will get a turn once I have gone. It can't be that bad if the members are lining up to do it. Obviously they have done it before and are happy to do it again.
I get up onto the ledge and wait for Amar to tell me it is safe to jump. "Go ahead," Amar says.
I close my eyes, and I am frozen. I tilt forward and let my body fall, my stomach drops and my limbs flail at my sides as I pray this feeling will stop quickly and then I feel something curl around my body and all the air is taken from my lungs. I've hit a net and it could not have come soon enough. I know I will not be doing that again any time soon.
"The Stiff!" I pull myself off the net to see Max standing in front of me on the wooden platform. "Nice to see you made it this far. Go join your fellow initiates. Amar will be down in a second. I'm sure."
I walk over to the other transfers and an Amity girl smiles at me. "That was surprisingly fun," she says. "I'm Mia. You okay?"
"It looks like he's trying not to throw up," a Candor boy says.
"Just let it happen, man," another Candor boy adds. "We'd love to see a show."
"Shut up," I snap. Thankfully they do. It never crossed my mind that I could speak my mind like this with other people. Whenever I was out in public I had certain rules I had to uphold but now I don't have those rules. It is just another reminder that I am no longer in Abnegation.
"That's it?" Amar says. "that's all there is? God, Stiff."
I have just come out of my fear simulation. Whoever thought this was the best way to start initiation is crazy. Why would they want us to go through that? I hope it taught them a lot because I don't feel like I learnt a damn thing.
Amar offers me his hand and he helps pull me to my feet. I hate that he has been able to see my fears, I hate that he could see the torture that Marcus had put me through.
"We should come up with another name for you," he says casually. "Something tougher than 'Stiff'. Like 'Blade' or 'Killer' or something."
I look at him to see that he is smiling. Although I can see some pity in his smile there isn't as much as I thought there would be.
"I wouldn't want to tell people my name either," he says. "Come on, let's get some food."
If feels like days since I had breakfast this morning. We walk into the dining hall and Amar walks me over to the initiates' table. I sit down in one of the empty chairs. Although I am completely starving there is part of me that feels like I will throw up if I eat after the simulation.
"Jeez, Stiff. You look like you're about to faint," I boy named Eric says. One of the Candor boy's grins.
"You all made it out alive," Amar says. "Congratulations. You made it through the first day of initiation, with varying degrees of success." He looks at Eric. "None of you did as well as Four over her, though."
He points at me as he speaks. I frown—Four? Is he talking about my fears?
"Hey Tori," Amar calls over his shoulder. "You ever hear of anyone having only four fears in their fear landscape?"
"Last I heard, the record was seven or eight. Why?" Tori calls back.
"I've got a transfer over here with only four fears."
Tori points at me, and Amar nods.
"That's gotta be a new record," Tori says.
"Well done," Amar says to me. Then he turns and walks toward Tori's table.
All the other initiates are now staring at me. I was hoping to just blend into the background, get through initiation. But that isn't about to happen. While Amar may have given me a new name he has given me a whole lot more. He has given me power. I just hope that I don't become another Marcus with it.
"What's your real name, again? Starts with an E . . . ?" Eric asks me.
If I wasn't already worried about the type of person Eric was after watching him go through his fear simulation, I know now that he is someone I am going to have to watch out for. While the other initiates don't seem to care what my name was. Eric is the type who will use it if it will help him to get ahead. While I may have the power, Eric is the one who wants the power. And I am sure he will do whatever it takes to get it.
I hesitate for a moment, then put my elbows on the table and raise an eyebrow at him.
"My name is Four," I say. "Call me 'Stiff' again and you and I will have a problem."
He just rolls his eyes, but I know I've made myself clear.
I have a new name, which means I can be a new person. Someone who doesn't put up with cutting comments from Erudite know-it-alls. Someone who can cut back.
Someone who is finally ready to fight.
Four.