REWRITTEN 4/25/16

Kitchen Go Boom

An EZHF Short

Teemo's POV

I grin as I wink in Zeus's direction and take off into the chaos filled store, the sounds of death and hunger surging around us like a hurricane. I fucking love blowing things up. Especially kitchens. It's like a fetish. A fetish that typically ends with me in pain and an assload of work before me, because Arin has hit me over the head with a frying pan or some such object and told me to fix it or she'll kill me. I can't believe that, now, Enia is actually telling me to go blow up a kitchen! A humongous grocery store bakery kitchen! Best. Daughter. Ever!

(Aw, thanks, Teemo).

Get out of my chapter!

Anyways. The kid and I skid around a container half full of apples splashed with blood. She's a good kid, I think as I shoot Zeus a look out of the corner of my eye. She kicks an apple on the ground square in the center and sends it flying into the back of a muncher's head just before it can take a bite out of a fallen woman. I'd better make sure she doesn't get killed, or else Enia will take my head off. Zeus lifts her gun and fires a single shot into the muncher's head as we run by. Dark blood and bits of dry, dusty flesh splatter across the shelf behind the corpse.

Thankfully, it seems like she can take care of herself just fine.

I hurtle an overturned shopping cart with bottles of beer and other booze spilling out of it across the floor. Its previous owner is only a few feet away, being quickly devoured by a pair of former employees. I wrinkle my nose at the growing pool of blood around the corpse. It's soaking into the discarded loafs of bread that litter the floor, wet and floppy and beginning to deflate.

As I land, my foot catches on a bottle, and it immediately spits out from under me. I tumble to the floor, the bottles clinking together as they roll away. My head crashes into the concrete, and bright pin wheeling stars flash before my eyes, twirling in time with the steady, blackening pulse inside my skull.

Zeus skids to a halt up ahead when she realizes I'm no longer with her. She sprints back to me and seizes my limp arm, struggling to yank me to my feet. Somehow, I prop my feet under my and manage to stand, my head spinning, my vision clouded by banks of fog. I stumble as I try to take a step forward, almost tumbling back to the ground, and Zeus has to prop me up. "Snap out of it," she begs, patting my cheek. "There are six of them coming this way!"

I blink furiously, and with each snap of my eyelids, the dancing lights slowly fade away, though the pulsating throb doesn't leave my head. Zeus spins me in the direction of the approaching undead and points unnecessarily.

They're an ugly bunch. One is morbidly obese, and its blubbery stomach has been ripped open violently so that all its entrails swing around like bloody festival streamers. The skin of its face hangs loose and puddled against its chest. The corpse to its right is missing an arm, and the white bone pokes through the mangled skin. Its gray face is covered with lacerations, and its yellow, bloodshot eyes leer at us from above a chip-toothed, gore filled snarl. The other four all look almost human, though pale and sunken eyed. They are so recently turned that they haven't had a chance to feed yet.

Zeus's worried voice interrupts my examination. "There are more of them behind us."

I grin, tossing hair from my face, my head finally clear. "Then let's have some fun."

With a shout, I leap at the group of munchers. Their arms rise to meet me, just out of unison, gnarled hands turning into grasping claws. I spin around the obese muncher, flames dancing along my fingers. They form a long, flickering sword, and I slice its blade through the slowly jiggling head. The severed top falls to the ground with a plop.

A human screams, startling me. I glance around, defensive. A woman with an incredibly bad perm is staring at me, shrieking her head off. Or she is until a muncher grabs her from behind and literally tears her it off.

I pull an abashed face. Oh right. Humans don't like magic, and Enia doesn't want us to use our powers so we don't scare them off. Worst. Daughter. Ever.

(Hey!)

Get out of my chapter!

I pull out the broadsword that I'd…liberated from the pawn shop as a muncher staggers towards me. I shift out of the way smoothly, bringing my blade up so the corpse runs into it headfirst. I cut the leg out from under another muncher lurching towards me and dance out of the way as it falls forward and lands on the floor with a wet splat. It continues to wiggle around like a worm on a sidewalk. Or a fish out of water. Or a beached whale. Or a…a…flamigger flaring on Mars. Ok, shutting up now.

I impale the head on my sword.

Three down, three to go.

The last of the undead throw themselves at me at the same time. I fling myself out of the way and fall onto the cold, slightly wet piles of vegetables behind me. I shove a cucumber into the mouth of a muncher trying to latch onto my arm and roll of the produce. I lop its head off with a flick of my wrist as it struggles against the green plant, then turn to confront the last two munchers. They're a little bit too close for comfort. Just for fun, I toss an eggplant at one of them. It strikes the muncher's forehead and bounces off, leaving a gross indent behind in the gray flesh. I slice through their heads like overly ripe watermelons.

Remember: always eat your fruits and veggies, kids!

Teemo: six. Zombies: 0. Teemo rules!

"Teemo!" Zeus yells, panic in her voice.

I spin around, searching for Enia's friend. She is surrounded by a ring of snarling monsters, and more are closing in on her position. There's no time to pretend to be human. Zombies go boom!

I clap my hands together, and flames roar from them in one, long sheet. The fire envelops the munchers as Zeus flings her arms over her head and crouches down. I run forward and throw myself into the midst of the crackling corpses, the rank stench of burning flesh assaulting my nostrils. I heave Zeus to her feet and leap into the air, using my magic to toss us free of the munchers and the inferno. We land fifteen feet and turn to watch the corpses crumble to tiny bits.

Teemo: twenty-three! Zombies: still zippo! Take that, ya bastards!

"Thanks," Zeus gasps, bracing her hands on her knees.

"No problem," I reply, clapping her on the back. "Enia would kill me if I let you die. Come on, let's go."

She nods, and we weave our way through the rest of the fruit section and into the bakery. I have to stop for a donut. Zeus rolls her eyes as I stand amongst the smoke and blood and chaos, and happily munch away at the brightly sprinkled pastry. I hand her one wordlessly, and she stops mocking me.

We finish the donuts, and I take another for the ride before we head into the kitchen. The large, spacious room is quite beautiful. All the appliances are gleaming chrome, and all the floors are spotless. Freshly baked goods are out on the countertops but had been abandoned with the munchers had appeared. The sight of them makes me hungry. Yes, it's very beautiful. Cue single tear running dramatically down cheek. Now cue malicious grin. It really is too bad it's going to be incinerated in a matter of seconds.

I look at Zeus and grin. "Ready?

She grins back. "Let's blow this popsicle stand.

I definitely like this kid. I stamp her forehead with Teemo's Mark of Approval.

"Kitchen go boom!" I yell and flick my two middle fingers.

The effect is instantaneous. A tiny ball of fire sprouts in the center of the kitchen and rapidly grows bigger, sucking all the air towards it and ripping the appliances from the walls, dragging them into its vortex. The heat blasts our faces, and we have to back up a few feet to avoid being baked along with the rest of the kitchen. A fierce surge of joy rushes through me as I watch the flickering orange and red flames. The fire alarm goes off, but the sprinklers have no effect on the raging inferno. Cackling, Zeus and I slap five and run away from the scene of the crime.

Kitchen go boom!

But then comes the bloodcurdling scream. "Teemo! You bloody idiot!"

Oh crap. Teemo go boom.

Teemo: Bwahahaha.

Enia: Wow good work. Couldn't have done it better myself.

Teemo: That's because I taught you all you know!

Enia: True.

Teemo: Leave a review please!