REWRITTEN 4/28/16
Samik: Disclaimer! Since the last chapter marked the beginning of Part 2, and Enia forgot the disclaimer in the previous chapter, as her lawyer, I thought I'd reiterate. Enia Silverson does not own the Zombie Survival Guide, though most of the characters in the story are hers or a friend's. She also does not own any Doctor Who references. Hm, this leads me to another question: if Enia's been taken over by an alien, am I still the fake Enia's lawyer? Does this claim have any legal stance since Fake Enia is writing the chapter, not real Enia? …Not going to think about it.
Let's Poke a Dead Thing with a Stick!
True to Arin's word, Samik crafted a massive pancake breakfast for the morning after Christmas. I had no idea how he managed it, and he didn't feel inclined to tell me. All I knew was that it had involved a humongous amount of food from the grocery store across the way and that we wouldn't be having pancakes again.
We needed to start conserving food, and soon, but I didn't have any idea how to even think about coming up with a suitable plan. Feeding nearly sixty people was very, very different from feeding nine. So I did what I always did. I decided we'd burn that bridge when we came to it. Hopefully, we had enough supplies to last us through the winter, and once spring came, we could start working on a more renewable food source. There was absolutely nothing to worry about.
Zeus left on a scouting mission after breakfast, finally changing out of her Christmas garb. She was the best person for the job, since she could literally get a birds-eye view of the city. She'd move faster than any of us would on the ground, even with a car, and the munchers didn't pose any danger to her. She gave me a cock-eyed salute and promised to be back by sunset before she ran off into a nearby street and launched herself into the air.
That left the rest of us with one, burning question. What the hell were we going to do all day?
Almost instantly, I left the din and the heat of the library and scaled the giant wall, dropping to the ground near the snow-covered playground. The wind blew gently through the colorful bars, but nothing else moved.
Despite the stench of decay rising from a few nearby dead bodies, the air smelled cleaner and crisper than it had before the world went to hell in a hand basket. There were no massive lines of cars crawling through the streets, clogging the air molecules with smog. There was just the wind and the rain and the sun.
I grinned as I ran up a slide slick with snow, remembering how particular the teachers in elementary school were about us not doing that. I swung through the slide's mouth and onto the walkway, and my smile faded. Were any of them still alive?
I shook my head swiftly. Of course they were. PMA, Enia, PMA. As opposed to PMS. Oh Gods. I shuddered at the idea of having my period during the zombie apocalypse. What would happen when all the pads and tampons were gone? And we wouldn't have aspirin to deal with the debilitating cramps. I had read a hundred zombie novels, and none of them had ever dealt with a woman having her period. Maybe it would just stop happening? Unlikely, but a girl could hope.
I sighed as I flopped into a sitting position and looped my arm through the railing, my legs swinging wildly through space. Apparently, a zombie apocalypse wasn't all fun and games. Apparently, it hurt. It was so hard not knowing what had happened to the people from my past. Maybe that was why most zombie novels were so serious.
I banged my head against a bar in the railing. I couldn't sit there and be bogged down by the unknown. I was alive and so were those closest to me. We had a safe house, ready access to food, and there was plenty of adventure to be had in the new world.
My head snapped up suddenly, my Spidey sense tingling. I wasn't alone. Only five feet away from me was a lone male muncher, its throat torn out, blood running down its front. I pulled my legs up and somersaulted backwards as it lunged forward, a giant grin spreading across my face. Its rotting arm struck the plastic floor where I'd been siting, its face mushed between the bars.
"Ho ho! Hello there!" I said as I popped to my feet, back to the opposite railing. The muncher made a rude face at me, pulling up its lips as it thrashed against the obstruction. Or maybe that was just how its faced looked normally.
I darted down the short slide behind me and circled around the play structure. The muncher hadn't quite noticed that I was gone, and I stood behind a ladder to watch it, wondering how best to kill it. There was no fun in simply shooting it with a bolt of fire, and I didn't have my sword. It was inside somewhere. I wasn't entirely sure where.
My eyes fell on a large, gnarled stick lying beside a nearby bench. It was easily five feet in length and as thick as my bicep. I picked it up and swung it through the air once, listening to the whistle it made, and then smacked it against the ground to make sure it didn't break. Another smile creased my face. I leaned the stick against my shoulder as if I were a civil war era soldier and turned to face the muncher. The stupid thing still thought I was on the playground. "Oi!" I yelled
The muncher still didn't acknowledge me, and I groaned, rolling my eyes as I noticed the bloody hole on its head where its ear had been. I scouted around for a rock and pounded my heel against the ground to make the nearest one fly up to shoulder level. I nodded my head at the muncher, and the rock shot forward, bouncing of the undead flesh.
"Direct hit!" I cheered.
The muncher lurched away from the play structure, half of its face coming off as it scraped its cheek across the frozen metal. The flap got left behind, swaying in the wind. I waved at it, and the corpse almost tripped over its own feet as it staggered towards me. As soon as it was in range, I stuck out my stick and poked it in the ribs, my arms rock steady. The muncher stopped advancing, though it still struggled to move forward, its arm spinning in drunken semi-circles, its feet slapping against the ground, but it couldn't figure out how to outmaneuver my stick. I began to laugh. It was just as fun as I'd imagined!
A low gurgling sound came from the muncher's mangled throat as it flailed against the branch. I cupped one hand around my ear. "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that. What did you say?"
It gurgled again, and I quickly checked behind me to make sure nothing was trying to sneak up on me, but the street was clear. I stuck my tongue out at my captive and shook my head. "Nice try, buddy."
"Oh, darn," I murmured out of the corner of my mouth in a high-pitched voice.
"Wow, it can talk!" I exclaimed as myself, clapping my free hand to my cheek in shock.
"Of course I can talk. What, did you think we were just dumb brutes?"
"Well, yeah."
The muncher snarled at me, dripping black goo, and I grinned at its timing. "Well, you're just cattle," I said in my fake voice. "Your only purpose for being here is so that we may eat you! We are the dominant species!"
"Wow, bit full of yourself, aren't you, you pompous bitch. You sound just like the Daleks. You used to be us."
"But now I am so much better."
"Try all you like, but I'm still better than you."
"Why?" The muncher smacked its forearm into the stick, but I rolled with the impact, holding it in place.
"For starters, elves are so much better than humans. Also I'm not trying to kill copious amounts of people."
Copious was such a great word. People didn't use it often enough.
"You are trying to kill us," muncher-me pointed out, gesturing for emphasis.
"You guys aren't exactly innocent, are you? And this is war. I'm just defending my side."
"And I will end this war! Starting with you!"
Laughing, I gave the muncher a little shove with my stick, sending it stumbling back a step. Instantly, it was back and trapped once more. "Yeah, right."
"Having fun?" a third voice asked, not one of mine, though I knew without looking that it was Samik. When I glanced over, he was standing on top of the wall, grinning down at me.
"You know it." I flashed him a smirk. He jumped down, landing softly and absorbing the impact, not even skidding on the snow, and joined me. We stood side by side, arms touching, and regarded the snarling monstrosity silently.
"It's an ugly thing, isn't it?" he said as if commenting on the weather.
"Yes, yes it is. Hey, guess what! I finally came up with a Vengeful Mask idea for you!" I flung my arms into the air triumphantly. "Vengeful Chef!"
He was staring across my shoulder, blinking slowly. "Um, Enia?"
"What? Oh." I bent and scooped up the stick, recapturing the muncher and shoving it back until it was a suitable distance from us. "So what do you think?"
Samik leaned over and kissed me lightly on the forehead. "I love it."
I flushed happily. "Woo-hoo! We're some team, ain't we! The Vengeful Authoress and the Vengeful Chef! We're going to rule the world!" Not thinking, I threw my arms into the air again.
"Um, Enia?" Samik repeated, rolling his eyes in amusement.
I watched the muncher stagger towards us with murder on its face. "Opps."
"Maybe you should just kill it."
"Good idea." We leapt out of the way in unison as the muncher lunged forward. Samik booted it in the backside to help it along. The corpse tripped over its feet and crashed to the ground. I kicked the stick into the air and caught it, breaking it in two over my knee. I took the sharper half and plunged it into the muncher's cranium, Buffy-style. I flicked a piece of hair out of my eyes and grinned at Samik. "That was fun."
Samik laughed and wrapped his arms around my shoulder, dragging me close. "That was pretty awesome."
"Now I can check 'Poke a Zombie with a Stick' off my 'Things to Do During the Zombie Apocalypse' list."
"What's next?"
"I'll have to check, but I think it has something to do with liquid nitrogen."
A brilliant smile lit up his face. "I can't wait."
"Neither can I! It's going to be so fucking awesome!" I jumped up and down, pumping my fists excitedly.
Suddenly, something came streaking out of the sky to land before us, making my heart leap. It was Zeus, breathing heavily, her hair in a tangle about her head. "I've found something. We have to go right now."
"What is it?" I demanded, stepping forward, a wash of seriousness taking over.
Zeus gulped in a huge breath. "It's South East. They're surrounded. There's definitely people inside. It's bad. They lit a beacon fire. We have to go!"
I nodded swiftly. "Let's do it."
Samik: Guys, last night, Enia's eyes glowed orange. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Oh shit, here she comes!
Enia (or the alien approximating as Enia): Well, that was fun. See you next time in Mission: School's Out. Leave a review!
Samik: (whispering) Send help.