Disclaimer: I do not own Rizzoli and Isles. I do not own the song either.
'It's hard to wait for something you know won't happen. But it's harder to give up… when it's everything you ever wanted.'
-o-o-o-
Forehead against the door, Maura had no idea how long has she been standing there against the door since Jane left.
She sent Jane away.
At the time, it had seemed to be the right thing to do.
But Maura was not thinking when she said those words and neither when she acted on impulse and kiss her best friend.
Yes.
She kissed her best friend Jane Rizzoli.
And then she sent her away.
Sighing deeply but not bothering to wipe the tears that had started falling right after the kiss ended, she turned and leaned her back against her front door. Too exhausted to bother, she let herself sit on the floor, curling her knees against hers and wrapping her arms protectively around it as she tries to recall the earlier event-
'You asked once, how you'll survive without your best friend… how I'll survive without you Maur?'
Jane asked her. And then Jane was declaring that she should go. She followed Jane and asked her to wait. She didn't know what to say or do. She just knows that she shouldn't let Jane go nor does she want her to go either. She didn't know what to feel or how she felt then. And then it was right there and then that Jane stepped forward invading her personal space and leaned and kissed her.
And that was when she started feeling.
Jane's kiss, although brief and nothing more than just her lips against hers made her feel again. It was the kiss she never knew would happen and when it finally did, it was like a quick shock of electricity. But then, it was gone too soon and she just couldn't allow it to just be it. She couldn't let herself to let go of that feeling too soon.
So for probably the first time in her life, Maura didn't think and entirely and solely acted from want; she threw caution to the wind and pulled and kissed her best friend.
Jane Rizzoli.
And she would be lying if she says that it was ok. The second kiss she shared with Jane was not ok.
It wasn't just ok.
It was out of this world.
And she knew then a few second after the kiss ended that regardless of the consequence it may cause, that she won't ever regret or apologize for the kiss.
Because that kiss, was the type of kiss that she thought only existed in books and purely just put-in-to-words imagination of an author.
The first kiss was like a shock from touching a live wire.
The second kiss made her feel that jolt of electricity like actually holding the live wire.
Of course she knows it to be scientifically impossible. But that was the only way she could describe what she felt when her lips met Jane's. The vibration that travelled through her veins to the whole of her body.
It was terrifying and she was terrified. But she couldn't just let go. She couldn't because it made her feel alive. Like she was dormant for years –just merely existing. And then the kiss and she's alive.
For a moment a ghost of smile crosses in the Doctor's lips, as she thought of how cliché it seemed. In her brilliant head, it had seemed like the Disney classic 'Sleeping Beauty'. She was sleeping and one kiss and she wakes.
But the smile on her lips was short-lived.
Pressing her forehead against her knees, Maura started sobbing.
It had seemed like a life time ago.
Maura made peace with the knowledge that what she wanted will never be. She long accepted that fact. She didn't give up. She just merely accepted defeat.
Jane will never see her as someone who could be an object of her affection. She's Jane's best friend. Anything more than platonic?
Maura Isles doesn't exist in that.
She's invisible.
And it was ok. She was fine with it –eventually. She learned to be ok with it. She at least have Jane in her life and she let herself be contented. She never asked too much or anything as a child, it hasn't changed for Maura as an adult.
So she settled as being the best friend and let herself move on.
There wasn't really much of a choice for her, really.
Her best friend only has her eyes for Casey. Even when Gabriel returned in the picture, it was and always had been Casey.
Jane waited patiently for him even during the times when the ME believed the soldier didn't deserve her best friend's love. Even when Jane adamantly tried to still be included in Casey's life decision; even when he purposely ignored her or pushed her away.
Even then, Jane waited.
And Maura?
She watched idly by while the woman she loves, loves someone else.
It wasn't an instant recognition –her harbored feelings for Jane. She didn't recognize it and certainly didn't understand once she acknowledge whatever that feeling was/is.
At first she thought it was all due to her social awkwardness or naivety. She didn't have that many friends and most definitely didn't have a relationship or friendship like the one she shares with Jane. So she tried ruling it as probably a normal feeling that you feel when the bond were as strong as hers and Jane's; and that it didn't mean anything more than close friendship –she had hoped.
But then their closeness grew and they started relying on each other so much –without noticing it of course- that even though they are both independent woman, they somehow became dependent on each other in some way or rather.
And Maura started questioning her feelings.
Because not only she can't lie to others but also she cannot lie to herself. She knew then that she was feeling more.
Much more.
She fought it.
She wasn't exactly sure when she started feeling more but when she realized, she fought it –or at least she tried.
When Ian visited. She was relieved. Not only because Ian was someone she had had strong feelings for but also because she found herself still very much attracted to him. She was still under the illusion that Ian was the love of her life.
This made her believed that maybe, just maybe, what she 'thought' she was feeling for Jane was all due to loneliness and Jane was just there.
Always there.
That she believed that with their closeness, it wouldn't be hard to misconstrued her feelings for her best friend as something more.
But Ian in the picture caused a rift to her friendship with Jane. She was secretive when it came to Ian and she never once mentioned him to her. When he showed up, her attention was constantly diverted to Ian even during work hours. And this as it had seemed didn't sit well with her Detective best friend.
Jane didn't like or was not comfortable with the secrecy; that she didn't mention Ian or the fact that she wasn't very forth-coming when it comes to her Australian love interest from Africa. She seemed –at the time- to have been jealous. And while Maura was not exactly sure how she felt about the idea of Jane being jealous, it still didn't deter her from realizing that Jane was just curious due to the mystery she created when it comes to the subject of Ian Faulkner.
And when Ian left and Jane came straight over -like the loyal friend that she is- and found her crying, she opened up about Ian.
-Flashback-
Maura admitted that she harbored a fugitive and that Jane can go ahead and arrest her; and when Jane apologizes, she asked if it was because Jane won't be able to arrest Ian.
It was then that Jane commented-
"Man, you got it bad," and then passed a tissue so she can wipe her tears away.
"You know when people talked about the love of their lives?" she asked Jane –it was rhetorical.
"That's Ian," Maura admitted.
"You never ever mentioned him," Jane commented.
"Coz I tried to forget him," she answered simply and Jane apologized again for snooping around knowing that it wasn't her business.
"I just… I can't… I can't talk about him. I can't… with anybody, because it makes me so sad," Maura explained further.
"I mean… how can you love someone and not be able to be with them?"
"Well, why can't you be with him?
"Because he went back to Africa."
"You could go to Africa," Jane answered.
-Present-
Jane then tried to make her smile, saying she would arrest her mother for what she did to Maura's kitchen. She even indulged when Maura mentioned that Angela even threw away her shoe boxes.
But that is Jane.
She always would do or say anything just to try and make her smile –even in the most futile of situation.
And then, after a quiet second Jane looked at her and then unexpectedly –at least for Maura- offered to drive her to the airport.
It was then Maura realized how wrong she had been.
She never talked about Ian because it makes her sad. But she did eventually talked about Ian then. It still made her sad. But in that moment, even when she never truly shed light as to why it hurts more when Jane offered to drive her to the airport to be with Ian, she knew.
She was still under the illusion that Ian maybe the love of her life; but when Jane offered to stay until she feels better, when Jane gathered her in her arms and she involuntarily closed her eyes, she knew.
That 'there' was another thing that she knew she won't be able to talk about with anybody –including and especially Jane.
That right 'there', the feeling to be in her arms was another thing that she needs to forget.
She knew then that the feelings she was having for her best friend, was not due to loneliness. That, yes, it may have been put aside when Ian arrived, but only because she wanted to forget it. She used her still present attraction to Ian to ignore the feelings for Jane that she has yet to fully understand.
Because, really…
How can you love someone and not be able to be with them?
Jane suggesting that she follows Ian to Africa.
Jane offering to drive her to the airport to be with Ian.
It was plenty enough for her to know that Jane doesn't and will never feel anything more for her.
Eventually, she accepted the fact for what it was.
Maura concluded that just because she loves Jane, it didn't mean that Jane could and would love her back the same. It didn't mean that just because you fell in love with someone that you should be with them.
Life is not fair like that.
And it was hard, she won't deny that. It was hard especially during Jane's relationship with Casey. During those times when she couldn't do anything but watch how badly and unfairly the one she loves is being treated by the one 'she' loves.
She has to be supportive because that was what her role is supposed to do.
But it wasn't just hard, it was painful too.
Too painful that it clouded her judgement and became desperate.
Normally, she wouldn't waste time in giving someone a second glance once they stepped out of her life without so much as a goodbye; but because she wanted so badly to escape her unrequited feelings. Because of her –unknowingly- desperation to move on, she gave Dennis Rockmond a second chance.
Biggest mistake of her life.
That second chance, almost caused her, her life.
But of course, she survived it.
She was saved by non-other than Jane Rizzoli.
Maura's lanky knight in plain t-shirt and suit pants armor.
Again –as if she was able to forget- she was reminded of the many reasons why she feels her harbored feelings towards the lanky Detective that is her best friend.
At the sight of Maura in danger, the normally fierce Detective Jane Rizzoli caved in a heartbeat, willing to do anything just to save her.
Maura once again saw the Jane whom willingly shot herself to save Frankie and her during the siege.
The same Jane whom, despite being tied tight at the wrist managed to break free from her captor and come to her rescue from Hoyt's scalpel and eventually killed her own boogie man.
Jane, the one who even against her will still cut open her leg as instructed just to save her leg and to an extent, also her life. Jane who stayed with her and let her use her lap as a pillow while she's under hallucination due to the amount of blood lost.
Jane who was always there.
There when she discovered about her biological father and whom willingly bent the rules because it would keep her safe.
There when her mother Constance and biological mother Hope were treating her less than what Jane thinks she deserves and was not afraid to give them a piece of her mind –had also been the reason why her relationship with her mother Constance improved significantly; also who had been a tool for her to find the peace she found with whatever past herself and her biological mother Hope had.
There, waiting for her when her biological father kidnapped her. There when Ian left to go back to Africa. There when Dennis almost took her life. There when she was framed for murder and worked relentlessly to prove her innocence.
Jane, who was there when she doubt herself to be a good person and reminded her time and again how wonderful she is. Jane who brought her to her class reunion so she could experience a co-ed reunion. Jane who agreed to run with her at the break of dawn. Jane who pretended to be her partner just so she could get rid of Giovanni's advances. Jane who was there when her biological mother Hope accused her of lying and even tried –and succeeded- to make her laugh through tears. Jane who tried to talk her out of donating her kidney and declared that she would donate her own kidney for her. Jane who took time to speak to Paddy Doyle just so she could ask him to get his men to stop following her when she thought the Feds were Doyle's men stalking her. Jane who was there while she recuperate from her surgery when she donated her kidney and who tried to be patient with her. Jane who helped bridge and improve her relationship with Caitlyn as her sister. Jane who brought her a gift after she worried her from jumping off the bridge. Jane who agreed to make a bucket list and do something together that neither of them have done before. Jane who was there after her break up with Jack, willing to do just about anything to cheer her up; who took her to a road trip and made a mix tape for them to listen to during the drive.
At the last thought, a smile once again ghost Maura's lips –even not present, Jane still manages to make her smile despite the circumstance.
She clearly remembers one line form Jane's mix tape-
'You're the biggest part of me'
Jane Clementine Rizzoli.
The one that was able to make her laugh regardless how terrifying of an experience she had or how depressing the scenario she just had. The same Jane that tried to make her laugh just so she would stop worrying about the Bianchi incident or any other incident thereafter. Her best friend that indulges her as far as coming along with her to have that mud-bath –which she had complained relentlessly.
Jane Clementine Rizzoli –the one that had her trying, drinking and actually liking beer. The one that had her guessed or assumed in one way or another unknowingly. Also the one that let her play baseball despite herself wearing a rather embarrassing –for the Detective's taste anyway- suit.
The small smile in Maura's lips still lingers, however quiet tears once again started falling as she recalls more and more of her memories of Jane.
The Detective that regardless of her reluctance, still listens and eats whatever food she makes her eat. Whom every now and then drinks wine because she actually listens when she says wine is good for the heart. Whom shares her fries and burger with her and her peperoni half of the pizza as well as her yogurt.
Once again, that specific line they sang to during their little road trip-
'You're the biggest part of me'
Shaking her head and laughing sardonically at no one in particular, only at the absurdity of what she had realized.
When she met Jack, she genuinely found him attractive. But she believed that it will never work and she told Jane the same. She explained to Jane that she did her research and knew from then that there's no perfect guy for her –she didn't elaborate that there may have been a perfect woman. Jane didn't need to know that, it won't do them any good.
But Jane, being the loyal best friend and only wants her to be happy, encouraged her to give Jack a chance and go out with him.
It stung a bit –or a little bit more than a bit.
Jane once again proved that she doesn't feel anything more than platonic and Maura, regardless of having this knowledge still –at the very deep end of her thoughts- had hoped that maybe, just maybe. But anyway, she swallowed that sting she felt in the middle of her chest and followed Jane's advice.
She gave Jack Armstrong a chance.
And Jack turned out to be… as she described him before –awesome.
Jack had become someone that she could actually have genuine feelings for –after being trapped in her unrequited love for Jane for a long time.
The professor was able to make her love him; enough to sacrifice the first time around and enough to actually marry him.
The professor gave her hope that she could move on from Jane.
Covering her face with both hands, sighing and wiping the quiet tears that seems to never end, Maura bit her lower lip.
Once again she feels her heart breaking at the realization; how did she ever expected or believed that she would be able to move on from her love for Jane was beyond her.
But perhaps she didn't really expected herself to be able to fully move on. Perhaps, she agreed to move to New Mexico to be away from Jane.
In her mind's eye, it was the logical thing to do. She's marrying Jack and he lives in New Mexico.
But perhaps, subconsciously, she was willing to move away because deep inside –deepest that she refuse to shed light on- she knew that to give her relationship with Jack a chance, she needed to detach herself from Jane Rizzoli.
Because the fact of a matter is, even though it has never been voiced out, Jane Rizzoli is the biggest part of Maura Isles.
And her marriage with Jack will be doomed to fail if she stays in Boston.
But she doesn't have a choice either; Jane will never feel the same and she doesn't want to wait for when Casey Jones comes back in her best friend's life or if another Casey Jones comes along.
It hurts way too much and as selfish as it may sound, she's not willing to put herself through that again.
She finally found someone that she was able to have genuine feelings for and loves enough in the form of Jack Armstrong.
He's her fresh start.
But then, as Maura tentatively touches her lips, she closes her eyes, trying to remember the feel of Jane's lips against hers.
Just when she was able to take a step forward, Jane pulls and she takes 2 steps back.
In all the years of their friendship, regardless of how close they have been or they are, Jane never showed any or even just a slight interest in her in that way. Sure she knows the Detective cares for her and even loves her –they are best friends after all. But never did Jane ever actually say those words to her.
Jane never said 'I love you'; even if it meant platonically.
And then just now, Jane kissed her.
'Forgive me for what I'm about to do.'
'I just need to know… just this once.'
Said Jane before she kissed her.
Why did Jane kiss her? What did she mean when she said –I just need to know?
Jane needs to know what?
Roughly wiping the non-stop tears staining her face –including the ones that were just about to fall, Maura stood, determined look in her face and stance.
She herself needs to know.
And she'll find out the answer to these questions and she will get those answer now.
So against her better judgement, she took her car keys, deciding to driver herself to Jane's. Her alcohol limit be damned. She will get her answer one way or the other.
On her way to Jane's though, not wanting to further drown herself in thoughts of the many whys -she turned her radio on.
She welcomes any noise in her right at that moment.
But as if someone up there is mocking her situation -a familiar song and she lets it accompany her.
Coincidence or irony, but as she really listens and let the lyrics washes over her, the tears once again begun.
(Sunlight) There's a new sun arisin'
(In your eyes) I can see a new horizon
(Realize) That will keep me realizin'
You're the biggest part of me
(Stay the night) Need your lovin' here beside me
(Shine the light) Need it close enough to guide me
(All my life) I've been hoppin' you would find me
You're the biggest part of me
Well, make a wish, baby
And I will make it come true
Make a list baby, of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk girl in lettin' my love rain down on you
So we can wash away the past so that we may start anew
(Rainbow) Risin' over my shoulder
(Love flows) Gettin' better as we're older
(All I know) All I wanna do is hold her
She's the life that breathes in me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) For me there's nothing better
You're the biggest part of me
Well, make a wish, baby
And I will make it come true
Make a list baby, of the things I'll do for you
Ain't no risk girl in lettin' my love rain down on you
So we can wash away the past so that we may start anew
More than an easy feelin'
She brings joy to me
How can I tell you what it means to me
Flow like a lazy river
For an eternity
I finally found someone who believes in me
And I'll never leave
(Now I've found all I need)Ooh... La do dah now
Ain't life grand
(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me
(To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me
(Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me
You´re the biggest part of me
(Forever) Got a feelin' that forever
(Together) We are gonna stay together
(Forever) From now until forever
You're the biggest part or me
You're the life that breathes in me
You're the biggest part of me
You changed my life
You made it bright
And I'll be a savior to you
For the rest of my life
Oh, the biggest part of me
A/N: First and foremost... Seriously? 114 followers?! Thank you so sooo much. I appreciate all the reviews and critics alike. I'm very glad that you guys liked the story or the plot or whatever that made you guys like this story. :) And to one of the says "bribery for more chapters absolutely possible" the answer is YES. I am open to be bribed. Lolz
So again, here's another installment. And as from previous, this is not a beta version so expect to find type errors and grammatical errors. I try to minimize it.
As you probably know now, this is Maura's POV. I thought, it's only fair to know her side of the story, right?
Let me know what you guys think, and I am open for suggestions. I know where and how I want this story to go, but I'm not oppose to suggestions. :)