Torn
I sighed tiredly and lazily shoved the blankets off my body. I felt like shit, having gotten zero sleep. How could I when my mind was conscious of the fact that I was hurting Kendall? I never meant for my fling with the dancer to go so far...
...yet deep down I knew inside that being with her was going to string up disaster between Kendall and I. But I disregarded it, she was too influencing. Or maybe I'm just weak.
Kendall has seemed to know the truth for awhile but he hasn't let me go. Yet at least. He still is together with me despite my breaking him to pieces. I know that he could- that he should- break it off with me but my body froze up at the thought, my heart dropped heavily inside my chest making it hard to breathe. I don't want him to leave me. I'm selfish, I'm a bastard, but it's how I feel. He's got every right to dump my low life ass but I'll be devastated.
Just like how he is now.
I really am weak.
Today was going to be filled with yelling Gustavo, my depressing self-pity mind and the possibility of Carlos and Logan's wrath. Not to mention I'd have to face Kendall. I'd have to be in a small room with him, standing so close to him, breathing his scent. Fuck. I can't. How can I when last night I spent the majority of it with the dancer? In her room doing the unmentionable. I'm a monster. A guilty, filthy monster. I won't be surprised if Kendall hates me. I hate me.
A knock sounded from my closed door. I tried to get in Kendall's room last night but he had it locked. I really don't blame him, I was pathetic for even trying to sneak inside his room.
"Breakfast." Came Carlos' voice before I heard his feet clip away. A sigh escaped my mouth.
The day starts now.
Eating in room with people who share mix feelings about you, all around the negative scale, is very awkward. Somewhere in mind, a part of it scolds me for feeling that way. I deserved it, I had not right complaining.
The limo ride was a different story. Logan sat next to me who staring at Kendall with a concerned look who was across from him looking at the window and completely avoiding eye contact with me. Carlos sat beside him glaring furiously at me but I only had eyes for the blonde. Also because Carlos' glares pierced me brutally... I'm pathetic.
Once reaching Rocque Records, the limo's door opened for us from the driver and Kendall was the first to slip out, his lithe body easily exiting the vehicle and stepped on the side walk, immediately walking to the entrance doors. Logan clambered after him leaving me and Carlos in the rear.
I began sliding out but flinched back when Carlos yanked the door closed, slipping from the grip our driver had on it. He blinked in a puzzled manner but the warning look the hot headed Latino gave him made him walk away. Carlos turned to me, eyes blazing with fury.
"How could you?" He accuses, voice holding the pent up fury he had for me. I look away knowing what he means. "He's been nothing but devoted to you and this is what he gets!" Carlos hisses before lunging forward, grabbing me by the front of my shirt and slamming my body against the leather back of the seat.
"It doesn't take a genius to know that Kendall is hurting because of you. I want him to leave your ass but for some reason he just can't let you go. That alone proves that you don't deserve someone like him." Carlos leans down until our faces our inches apart. The grip he has on my shirt tightens drastically.
"Leave this side bitch and focus on your failing relationship with Kendall. You've both been through too much to have it go down the drain by your stupid actions. Fix this mess." Carlos growled before shoving me back and opening the door. He flies out and storms to the entrance doors to the building, leaving me hanging my head low with shame.
...
"Stop stop STOP STOP!" Gustavo yells for the millionth time making the four of us wince. "DAWGS. You all SUCK today. What gives?" He demands, eyes squinting behind his bug eye yellow shades.
"A broken relationship." Kendall seems just as surprised as the rest of us by his words before his face explodes crimson and he slowly pulls off his head phones.
"WHAT?" Gustavo asks loudly, looking very confused at his leader's answer. Or maybe it was surprise at the fact that Kendall actually gave him a civilized reply. Granted, it made me feel like shit but it was non-snarky reply nonetheless.
"I need a break." Kendall murmured and walked out the sound room, leaving us three staring after him. We watched him walk in the recording room where Gustavo, Kelly and dread locks guy were before he disappeared down the short steps and out of view.
All eyes followed him until he was gone and Gustavo whipped his head back to look at us. "okAY, someone go fetch K-Dawg! Cruise Control needs some tweaks."
"Actually-" Kelly started, bending her body over Gustavo's so she could speak in the mic. "You three go have a break too. Kat needs to work on her new single."
As Kelly said this, Kat strutted in in her signature black and stalked to the sound room door's, yanking it open and jutting a thumb out. "Out." She demanded, voice full of saucy, authority tones.
We complied mumbling under our breaths as we passed the girl who model walked in and took place behind one of the mics. "My voice is warmed up and I've already downed two waters. I'm ready." She said. I rolled my eyes as I took a seat on the plush couch in the back. Gustavo added a chair where currently Carlos occupied it while Logan his lap.
Kendall had came back and was on the far end of the couch. I sighed as I looked at him. He still refused to meet my eyes. I don't blame him. But... I do want to mend things between us- for good this time.
I scooted down the couch and saw him sneak a glance my way. He tried getting up but I snagged his arm the last minute and tugged him back down. "We need to talk." I whisper to him for Kat's song began to play. He didn't spare me a look as they glared straight ahead.
"Kendall," I pushed on and leaned closer. "You can't ignore me and act like there's no problem. I fucked shit up and I want to fix it. Please."
His jaw clenched. "Not now James." His voice was short, clipped. He weakly tugged his arm out of my releasing grip but didn't make a move to flee. I stared at him a minute longer before sighing and turning to watch Kat.
The music picked up quickly and Kat threw her hands up in the air before tipping her head to the side, mouth open and stinging words pouring out.
"A part of me wants to leave you alone
A part of me wants for you to come home.
A part of me says I'm living a lie
(And I'm better off without you)
A part of me says to think it through
A part of me says I'm over you
A part of me wants to say goodbye
A part of me is asking why..."
A soft hitching noise came from my side but I didn't look at Kendall. I stared at Kat as she sang, her lyrics striking a cord in me.
"A part of me wants to leave
But a part of me wants to be here with you
And every time I think that we're over and done you do something to get me back loving you
And you got me just torn
Torn in between the two (Oh yeah)
Cuz I really wanna be with you
But something's telling me I should leave you alone (I really want to be with you)
Leave you alone
Leave you alone
And you got me just torn in between the two (In between the two)
Cuz I really wanna be with you (Be with you)
But something's telling me I should leave you alone (You alone)
Leave you alone
Leave you alone
I finally looked at Kendall. He was staring at his lap looking as if trapped in his thoughts.
"No..." I whisper and touch his arm. He jumped and looks up at me. "Don't... don't leave me alone, okay?" I plead like the shameless pathetic fool that I am.
There were no issues when we started out
It was cool
It was everything that love's about
But something happened
"You.. went behind my back." He whispers back. His eyes are slowly watering up.
Plus I'm feeling so burnt out.
(Cuz I can't understand you now) Now oh
(I just can't understand you now)
A part of me says it's all my fault
A part of me says "he ain't what you want."
A part of me says to get my bags
A part of me says I can't do that
"Kendall-" I try to reach out to him but he gets up as if he was burned. His arms are rigid at his sides, hands curled into fists as he stares at the ground. We're beginning to cause the room of people minus Kat and Kelly to look at us.
"I don't know what to do-" His voice trembles and breaks off. He doesn't say anything after that. The room is once again filled with Kat's voice.
A part of me wants to leave
But a part of me wants to be here with you
And every time I think that it's over and done
You make me fall back in love
At this, Kendall's mind brings him back to when James slipped inside his room that night and had him crawling back to him as he made love to him endlessly.
You got me just torn
Torn in between the two (Between the two)
Cuz I really wanna be with you (Be with you)
But something's telling me I should leave you alone (You alone)
Leave you alone
Leave you alone
And you got me just torn in between the two (Torn in between the two)
Cuz I really wanna be with you (Really wanna be with you)
But something's telling me I should leave you alone (Telling me I should leave)
Leave you alone (Alone)
Leave you alone (Alone)
("What's wrong with K and J-Dawg?") I hear Gustavo ask the other half of his band group.
The music stutters beautifully before Kat sings again.
So many times I... (I was ready to go)
So many times I... (Had my foot out the door)
So many times I... (I thought to give him a chance, thought he'd be a better man)
Now I'm sitting here and I'm so confused
Cuz I keep fighting myself for you. (I don't know how much more I can take but I can't feel this way)
(You got me so torn)
Kendall's shoulders are trembling slightly and I move to my feet, hand out to place it gently on the lower of his back. He doesn't move, he doesn't do anything. My touch doesn't seem to acknowledge him. I bite my lip. I did this. I hurt him to the breaking point.
"J-James, I don't understand.." He whispers, voice soft and quivering. His hands move up to his face and they stay there, covering it up.
Torn in between the two (Oh yeah)
Cuz I really wanna be with you (I really wanna be with you)
But something's telling me I should leave you alone
Leave you alone
Leave you alone (But I don't know)
And you got me just torn in between the two (Should I stay or should I go)
Cuz I really wanna be with you (I don't know)
But something's telling me I should leave you alone (You alone)
Leave you alone
Leave you alone (You alone)
I know Kat's voice continues but I don't hear it anymore. Kendall is looking at me with his emerald eyes that spilled tears. That held raw pain. That had me wishing for my own immediate end for hurting such a fragile being.
"Huh, James?" He asks me, voice rough. "Should I stay or should I go?"